Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Verse or worse? by MouthoftheMersey

Ebren suggested saving this until after Big Blogger has run its course, but things seem to have ground to a halt at GU.

Pseuds are, of course, invited to add their own excruciating couplets.

Pseudscorner – an appreciation (with apologies to McGonagall)

Twas in the year of Two Thousand and Seven
That Bloggers were offered a ticket to heaven
“Rebellious lot – write five hundred words
And we will sift the gems from the turds”
The prize was something ever so glorious
A GU gig for the blogger victorious

So keyboards were punched all over the world
Ideas were spun and others were twirled
But in competitions there are so few winners
So on to the spike went us literary sinners
Frankly I couldn’t have been much forlorner
Then Ebren invented a place called pseudscorner

So here we loiter with journalistic intent
Our thoughts are composed, then through cyberspace sent
So forget the mean verdicts of Barry and Sean
Big Blogger is dying, but at Pseuds it’s the dawn
Of writing by a worldwide network of chums
Pseuds is the cake and GU the crumbs.

79 comments:

andrewm said...

Excellent work Mouth.

You've inspired me to think about writing a poem eulogising John Barnes. No, really. No promises mind.

So now poetry is another edge we have over GU :o)

greengrass said...

Along comes this bloke called "Mouth of the Mersey",
And starts pulling poetry out of his jersey.
He gives us this schpiel about Seani and Barry,
But, for some reason,
Says nowt about Harry.
Now HE is a writer
Who makes me smile
And chuckle and laugh out loud
All the while,
So people I meet,
The whole day through,
Think that I must
Be short of a screw.

mimi said...

I think it's a "Through the Looking-Glass" day over at GU today. Not just the 30 min rule, but an excess of articles about Fred (done and dusted guys) and now an execresence of a piece about rumours surrounding Bob Woolmer's death. I don't think anything any blogger can ever have done could be in worse taste than this official GU piece of sordid muck-raking.

pipita said...

MOtM, GG

Terrific stuff lads, Im clapping out loud in my office -I'll get kicked out of here any minute...-Very proud we have two bards in this corner

mimi said...

Sorry Mouth: just realised I forgot to say how much I liked this. Good job no 30 min rule here, he he!

fred said...

pipita,
hardly Nobel Prize stuff, but Mouth did mention McGonagal, so I followed suit...
Mimi,
I agree on that Woolmer article; since when did the GU contract out work to News of the World hacks?
Greengrass

chelseaexile said...

Ah, to be amongst friends... I just tried to post a valedictory note for the Graun blogs on the MU-Chels thread. No doubt being poured over my sweaty mods as I write...
I like it here. Think I'll move me stuff in. ;@)

hannibalbrooks said...

Bard
Yer barred

Not as good as Ali's classic, 'Me?Oui.' but its the best I can do at such short notice.

If bluedaddy reads this then there is somebody called ProudPreston who has posted a really dull reply to Marcela on her blog, he objects to her calling Maradona's hand of God goal 'elegant'. I thought that it would be really funny if you posted a repost using the Prestonian language skills beautifully demonstrated in your Tom Finney piece.

Zephirine said...

Splendid poetic efforts. McGonagall would be proud.

Quite agree, Mimi, that's a nasty and unnecessary piece about a very recent death which is the subject of an ongoing police investigation.

I hate the way posh papers reproduce web rumours and tabloid stories: "of course we don't endorse any of this but we feel we have a duty to report it". Yeah, right.

fred said...

chelseaexile -
I was wondering when you'd arrive; no-one is more welcome. Mocne and Exile in such a short time: bingo!
Greengrass

andrewm said...

GG, I'll second that.

CE, welcome. We now have regular visits here from almost everyone who's worth reading on GU. I haven't seen Cally yet, but I think the off-topic stuff isn't really his thing. Or maybe he does have a life :o)

As long as we all keep writing and posting - I promise I'll write an article soon, you'll see - Pseuds can only get better (no singing please GG).

Rejoice!

retentiveannals said...

hmmm Hi everyone, first tentative steps into the unknown, not sure what to expect here on the dark side, nor indeed whether I am welcome, especially as it is alleged that my comments re the Arse have been less than charitable on occasion....

Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained, so here goes...
I have heard talk of such a place, but until now have never wanted to leave the Arcadian groves( not Perry) of GU. But this new 30 min rule is beyond the pale! Are we to be punished for our industry, our verbal diarrhoea? If so, then I hope that I will find a welcome here...

I cannot promise to be unblinkered, or always charitable, but like Fagin,( not Joe), I am reviewing the situation...

slimjim68 said...

Couldn't agree more with the sentiment, Mouth. The poetry's not bad either.
I gave the founder of Pseudscorner a bit of stick when BB kicked off but I'm eating my words now.
I can't believe what's going off over there. "Think before you post"? What the heck is that about? I penned a valedictory piece on Marcela's blog and have started my boycott in response to their pathetic rules. That'll bring them to their senses.
Anyway, here's some McGonagall:
The Tay, the Tay, the silvery Tay
Looks just like the Bay o' Naples And stinks like Keilor's rotten aiples.

andrewm said...

retentive, you're very welcome.

retentiveannals said...

Thanks Andrewm, and I will do my utmost to be on my best behaviour........for now......:-)

mimi said...

Slim: so right, picking up on the "think before you post" bollocks. It'll be six of the best from the headmaster and detentions after school hours next!

Anonymous said...

Anyone know what caused the Stalinist moderation on GU?

evanp

PS, waves at reten: I read your last comment on the MU v. CFC blog, very witty, not as funny, but witty, liked the exams bit.

MocneJim said...

Retentivearse

I welcome you as I've been welcomed.

Off to finish a curry and as I've no ebren address to ask may I ask here? Can I try a kids story on here and where do I send it to?

Everyone appears to know about this place now appart from that Irish cunt (christ what was his moniker??????) and SirOlie. What's happened to SirOllie? Has anyone heard owt from sirOllie? Come on HB he aint banned here.

Hang on.......an Easter return from the dead may just be on the cards, eh? Come on.............

retentiveannals said...

Evanp

Rubbing my eyes in disbelief... is this a white truce flag being waved in my direction? If so, consider one waved back! Life is too short...

offside said...

Ah! Check this out, this is the space where retentivedude and extravp will be civil to each other and put their differences behind them.

Looks like the beer at the other place has gone stale and people are flocking here for refreshments.

Ebren! Get behind the bar! Get everyone a drink, it's my round!

Mine's a pint of Murphy's, by the way. A slow one, please.

Slainte!

MocneJim said...

Mine's a slow one but I'll have a fast one while I'm waiting.

Ebren's gonna wake up from his slumber and see the fruits of some hard labour exploding before his eyes.

If I just had CockfacedCanadians number.......................

andrewm said...

Jim, you can write about anything you like, and you can send it to pseudscorner@hotmail.co.uk or dr_sanchez@hotmail.co.uk since I check my email constantly and have posting rights.

I've just crapped out 500 words on how shit Scotland are at football and how it's made my life a misery. I'm sure it will appear during the week. Don't say I never do anything for you bitches :)

MocneJim said...

Andy boy
What, and we can say bitches too?!!!!!!!!!!!

500 words to realise that being Scotish is a bit of a cunt. Have you not watched Braveheart?

Come on Cally you must have had a read by now. The correlation between Scotland being shite and the amount of Scotish pie-eaters ever to wear the Milan jersey.... Alright if SirOl does then you have to

retentiveannals said...

Mocnejim

Thanks for the welcome, and this place is already starting to send out positive vibes..... hells bells, if I stay here much longer, I may turn into Dr Strangelove, or 'how I learned to love the Arse'....

On second thoughts, I may have to rephrase that one..

bluedaddy said...

Hey you lot! Never mind coming over here and all crowding round the bar, hassling the poor barman for slowly poured stout. There's plenty of room next door in my gaff yer know. I need to hit three figures to hold my head up round here since Mouth's Zimbo bar started putting music on.

Retentive and EvanP. You two can both come in, but I'm warning you, first sign of trouble and we'll set mimi on you.

MocneJim said...

Right thats it! I've been racist and hereby punish myself to write a kids football novel set around the Scottish West Coast islands........... Fuck, what am I saying!........No. no, I promise. Should it be like a story for bed time?.........maybe 200 words a night? Who am I kidding

Och I'll give it a wee try

MocneJim said...

On topic?

There once was a girl named Dolores
Whos cunt was all covered in sores
The dogs in the street
Used to snap at the meat
wWhich hung in festumes from her drawers

olivier said...

Jim,

If your peotry is anything to go by, I can't wait to read your piece on western Scottish football.

Ebren can I have two double off-topics, one for me, one for my buddy greengrass?

greengrass said...

This is exhilirating!
All (well, almost all) the old quiche faces, some of which I have really missed.
Some ex-combatants waving white flags.
Some really inspiring new faces.

Rejoice, Ebren, rejoice!

I once rejoiced at the virtual tap-room nature of the GU when it was at its best.
This is a tap-room and a half - Offside is buying, and it's a lock-in!

Mine's a McGonagall, cask-strength.
I'd love to stay here for the vast
length
Of this night and all of tomorrow,
But must confess, not without sorrow,
That off to bed soon I must canter.
So give me a gallon of banter
And on my way, happy, I'll toddle.
Bejaysus - this rhyming's a doddle!

Greengrass

offside said...

And for the newcomers, olivier is offside and vice-versa, although offside tends to start drinking earlier in the day.

mimi said...

Bluedaddy: you've warned them!

MocneJim said...

I'd love to think Ebren is sitting
At home in his kitchen, knitting
But he'll be playing five-a-side
Come home, almost die
That we've been in his house without him

MocneJim said...

Sorry peeps but after that appauling attempt I have to have another go.

There was a young man from Leeds
Got stung on the head by a wasp
When asked if it hurt
He said, "no, it can do it again if it likes".

greengrass said...

Mocne -
apart from the virtual tap-room, I think that my recommending Count (yes, c-O-u-n-t!) Palmiro Vicarion's Book of Limericks to Offside - and providing an asterixed example of its contents - might have offended the sensibilities of the moderators.

I get the impression you have read that tome.
In fact, I get the impression you have swallowed it.

Since I'm still here, and the McGonagall muse is with me (she's the one in the corner with the moustache), I must depart with a verse:

Before that I, sozzled, retire,
I think I might piss in the fire.
For why?
For no reason, I fear:
It just seems a spiffing idea.

Greengrass

MocneJim said...

So, right, I'm thinking, what are the characters gonna be called?

There's gotta be one called Rory but he spells it Ruaidhri just to be an annoying cunt. Well Red King, what'd you expect?

Calum - means "dove". Career cut short by sex, drucks and eurovision?

Donnchadh - Duncan the brown warrior who always looks to Andrew Cole for advice?

Hang on lets not give it all away I can hear lips being smacked as I type

MocneJim said...

GG never heard of it but....

A sailor boy once of Nantucket
Took a pig to the thicket to fuck it
Said the pig, "no I'm queer",
"Get away from my rear"
But come round the front and I'll suck it

MocneJim said...

There once was a woman from Bude
Went out to swim in the nude
Some chaps in a punt shouted out, "Cunt!"
Right out loud just like that
How rude

PW75 said...

So this is where everybody's got to. Good work Ebren. Make mine a cocoa.

retentiveannals said...

This fabled Mimitig has me worried! Does she attack with teeth in or out? Or is she just too busy on the OBOs jousting with the fabulous wits of Booth and Smyth? Or does she just have her Mouth full?

Btw, do we all need to rub down our rusty blog skills, and penpush some tome for general perusal and amusement?

MocneJim said...

Retentiveinho

You gotta have a go mate. Just gotta find yer angle

MocneJim said...

Good night all

Gonna be dreaming of Fionnlaochs, Aonghus', Dubh Galls, not to mention Davids.

Sleep tight and here's hoping for a tomorrow of the same

All the best

MJ xx

offside said...

What? You're leaving? It's only lunchtime!

MotM said...

Heard Derek Nimmo on Just a Minute bring the house down with,

"There was an old poove from Khartoum,
With a lesbian friend took a room,
The light went out
And up went a shout
Who does what and with what and to whom"

Zeph said...

Guys, did you see this on Marcela's thread?

"Hello, I'm Kevin Anderson, the Guardian blogs editor. We were doing an upgrade of the blog software on Wednesday, and a commenting system developed for Comment is Free was accidentally rolled out to our other blogs, hence the character count and 30-minute rule.

Sorry for the confusion, and thanks for the patience as the new system was rolled out. We'll be rolling back to the previous commenting system as soon as possible."

There. And polite with it.

MocneJim said...

Use your time well Offside. By the morning I want some South American women to have joined the cause. And when I say say morning I mean evening and when I say evening I .........

Is anyone writing something for tomorrow......Come on offside you've got 9 hours till the morning rush. Not that you've got owt else to do mind.

offside said...

Jim,

I have written something already. It's in the archives, the vault, whatever it's called... "Older posts" or something.

And that's my quota for the year running. I have to mind the turtle, you know.

mimi said...

mocne: I've done you some fiendishly spelt Scottish names on the other strand.
Zeph: well that's nice to know isn't it?
Too little, too late, or will we all be back there tomorrow as though nothing has happened? I may hold off until they apologise for the crap tabloid stuff they put on the WC section about Bob Woolmer's death.

miro said...

I see Ebren eventually becoming a Hue Heffner, a slightly younger but uglier...

I only doubt:
- if Ebren ever died, what doesn't seem likely, would his apartment be opened to be the first Pseuds' Corner Museum, or would be sold at auction?
- do wee look like the bunnies? If we do, how to avoid getting an eating disorder?

offside said...

miro,

I don't think Ebren will be living in an apartment for long. The mansion beckons.

Is it Easter that puts bunnies on your mind?

fred said...

News from the Western Front:

Looks like I got deleted yesterday for giving Speaktruth the address to this place.

Legionrebel got banned - apparently for suggesting that classist comments, just like racist and sexist
ones, should merit a GU ban. New pseudo: originalinvention. Hope he turns up soon.

Greengrass

offside said...

I got deleted too, but I can't remember what I'd written or where. Honest. I know one of my comments disappeared, just can't remember which.

What was it we were drinking?

fred said...

offside -
got to go to work. But I saw Hannibal's "bard/barred", so I've done a limerick to commemorate our slight difference of opinion re St. Henrik:

A barred, bearded bard in a bar
Said "I just don't think Henrik Lar-
sson is all he's cracked up to
be." "I won't sup to
that", said HB, "You're a tar-
t.

Greengrass

Ebren said...

While Ebren was off playing footy you know
Some blogers got typing and poetry flowed
Getting home drunk, his team having won
Ebren then discovered the verse they'd put on
But sleep took away the opportunity big
To add to these couplets with rhymes that you'd dig
So now in the morning and still quite hung over
The blog host got typing, and thinking that Dover
Was nearer the channel than London or Lille
Not on topic or funny, but rhymed rather well

greengrass said...

Oh, Ebren! At last you are with us,
Thank Dog!
Hungover, but rhyming,
Back here on our blog.
GG

Ebren said...

Your verse is terse and fit to burst with rhymes lines quite well rehearsed
The grass is green, your lines it seems, are quite sublime and never cursed.

Emma said...

Guardian Unlimited aren't even crumbs. Just poo.

greengrass said...

Nah, then, Emma luv -
that's not a nice thing to say.
And even though it may be true
it doesn't rhyme, anyway.


Greengass

Ebren said...

To say that we respond only to verse
Is a rule that I find, quite frankly, perverse
And while to rhyme is fun and thrilling
If you write in prose I will be quite forgiving

MotM said...

Now surely enough is enough
Of smart-arsed versifying stuff
Soon it will be a crime
To post anything not written in rhyme

Ebren said...

A crime to post things not written in poem?
Like making words tapped not in meter verboten?

I'll inform the relative authorities

www.nurserycrime.co.uk/

Ebren said...

Better link:

www.nurserycrime.co.uk/report_crime.html

MotM said...

Confession - I'm working on another form of poetry fopr a later submission. You have been warned...

Anonymous said...

So THIS is where everyone got to. I wondered why the GU blogs were getting so dull.

greengrass said...

Mouth -
you did ask us to add our own excruciating
couplets...
Do you mean to say that I have been thrutching forth increasingly excruciating comments, and I could have been writing prose all the time?
GG
P.S. It wasn't a question of having a go at Emma - I just enjoyed her post and was struggling to find a decent rhyme.

andrewm said...

Ebren, you should link to Emma/FishCake's film blog as a show of solidarity.

I mean, that's if she wants GG spouting his foolishness over there as well :o)

pipita said...

GG
Bringing speaktruth over here was a good move. Lets say you got banned for a good cause then
Ebren
Hope your footy went better than mine last night. We got walloped so badly I thought I Could write a poem about that...but I wont
Anonimo
Good to see you. I agree GU is getting duller

fred said...

Ebren,
thanks - great link.
Andy,
Emma = Fishcake! OK, been on her blog; wrote nowt.
All these pseudos & names confuse me!

Fred/GG/Couth/Ofhome/BackintheBuilding

MotM said...

GG I think that it's plain to see
That posting in verse is such glee
I wish to be wholly encouragin'
To those who for a rhyme are still rummagin'
Bring couplets from near and from far
The corner's the place you can star!
So let's have more from GG or Couth
As Scots say, one is never enough.

fred said...

Mouth -


Looks like you have an understanding boss,
Or one that's blind -
or couldn't give a toss.
GG

MattBelmer said...

I went to the Guardian today
But the posters had all run away
And here they now sit
Posting poems and wit
It's true, every blog has it's day.



Oh dear. Sorry. Pass the shotgun.

fred said...

Matt -
don't get us wrong.
We don't advocate that GU readers commit suicide.
GG

MotM said...

Matt - Why reach for a hideous gun
When there's always a chance of a pun
Real writers say wit's overrated
But smarm is what should get slated
So join in our happy band
Of refuseniks, hacks and the er... banned.

I'm going to go home and speak like the italics in Rupert Bear if I don't take a bit of care. I'm stuck - oh fuck.

mattbelmer said...

Haiku anyone?

The GU blog dies
Crows circle the body
And nobody mourns

MotM said...

Matt - you are an absolute bastard! Note my 12.54 post! I had intended to post some plaintive haikus on the demise of Big Blogger and now you've beaten me to the punch!

I hereby sentence you not to bury the perfection that is the haiku here in the Tap Room, but to e-mail to Ebren at the Pseudscorner address in the header to start a whole new string of haikus!

mimi said...

Can't do rhyme, can't do song
Bugger, bugger, bugger
It's all gone wrong.

MotM said...

You can skip to that little ditty.

Why no OBO contributions? You are, of course, mentioned by Rob and others though.

fred said...

mimi -
what a lovely verse!
I've seen "real" poets do far worse.

matt, mouth,
a reflective couplet:

"Haiku?", said the gnarled old sod.
"No - just my usual piece of cod".

GG

mimi said...

Mouth: match was nearly over by the time I got home today, but have sent a few to Andy who resolutely turns me down. What do you mean mentioned by Rob and others? That's ages ago. Haven't had anything on since Lawrence last did a match.
Sadly there has been a coup and I am no longer Queen of the OBO. Am in exile at Pseud's!

mimi said...

Spoke too soon
Thought to fast
Back on OBO
Maybe the last

A far from perfect Haiku, but best I can do.

Tweet it, digg it