Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Eyewitness account - Zephirine

[ed] Pseuds' Corner - ever eager to track down a pretty face - has gone in search of the maidens our first XI tried to bowl over in the Caribbean, here are the results - as recorded by Zephirine:

"So me and my friend Alisha right, we’re in Saint Lucia cos her boyfriend Gavin wanted to see the cricket and he’s got shedloads of money yeah, so he paid for us but it’s dead boring cos he’s off on all these other islands watching these cricket matches and they’re really long they go on for fifty thingies each side I dunno.

"So me and Alisha right, we went to this club by ourselves and we had a few rum and cokes on Gavin’s platinum card lol. And then these blokes came in and Alisha said to me they’re England cricketers and I was like, they look like a bunch of wankers to me omigod look at that one’s hair. And then this tall one came in and even I knew it was Freddie Flintoff cos I saw him on TV on that bus when he was really pissed that time. You know, ages ago I was still at school, they won that whatsit thing.

"So they saw we didn’t have any blokes with us and they bought us lots of drinks and we all had a laugh yeah, and then we got photos of us with them on our phones to send home to say, look, we’re with these like famous sports blokes.

"They were well hammered right, I said don’t you have like a game to play tomorrow or something but they were just like, bovvered, and the Freddie guy said he could play cricket with a hangover like some Sober bloke, I said to Alisha I didn’t reckon he knew what sober was and she nearly wet herself. He said he could drink Shane Warne under the table and I thought Shane Warne was the one that won The X Factor but he got sort of pissed off with me about that.

"So then they started asking us questions about cricket, like do we know what an over is, and we were like, we dunno, we just come here for the laugh and the beach action lol. Omigod they went all snotty, like it was important or something. The Kevin one who was a bit older, he started trying to teach us all this cricket stuff and Alisha said save your breath, Gavin’s tried for six months and it’s still a load of wank to me.

"Well then they all walked off and Freddie went out on the beach and we were like, well fuck you then arseholes, no need to be so up yourselves, so we phoned the News of the World yeah and sent them the pictures and they promised to pay us fifty grand but Gavin was well mad at us when he got back cos we didn’t sign a contract he said we’ll never see any money.

"I think famous blokes are all the same, when they meet real ordinary girls like us they can’t hack it, we’re too like genuine for them.

"Now our pictures are all over the News of the World and all our friends are texting us we’re famous too, so nyer. Only Gav was right cos they haven’t paid us yet. And they’re all writing stuff about Freddie’s in trouble for being legless, like, big surprise. Well, bovvered. I hate cricket."

46 comments:

BlueinBetis said...

Zephririne,

I ate cricket, and that Freddie right, e tried to get off wiv me an all, an I was like no way man, you stink, but i wish i ad now, e's well fit.

AlISHA.

Very nice.

fred said...

Yet another penetrating account from behind the scenes - first we had the boardroom angle, now the (almost) bedroom angle.
This account underlines the gross incompetence of the present England side - multi-tasking is what modern cricket is all about, and if they can't get legless and pull a pair of Essex girls at one and the same time, how can we ever expect them to win matches?
Greengrass

bluedaddy said...

Perfect Zeph!

slimjim68 said...

nice one Zephirine, made me laugh

andrewm said...

So we've established that Pseuds does humour better than GU (Harry is of course a Guardian writer, as is Marty) and also personal reflective articles, covers a wider range of sports, doesn't bang on about the big four all the time, doesn't ban people and even has previously unpublished Marcela articles.

I think I know who's winning.

PS. Good stuff Zeph, made me laugh.

Zeph said...

Andrewm, does it have to be a contest?

Glad you liked it folks!

andrewm said...

Zeph, when GU linked to Ebren's other site in the intro to the MOAB I think they made it one.

I'm sure they would laugh at the idea that the standard of writing on here is generally higher than theirs, but I believe it is.

fred said...

Zeph -
no, it doesn't have to be a contest.
But we, the banned and their so-called clique friends, do have certain aversions to the GU elite. Had they been fair-minded and open, we wouldn't have a PC to enjoy; since they weren't, we had to create one.
Surely it is reasonable that we celebrate its success?
PC is burgeoning in all directions. One interesting development is that women appear to find it far easier to post and write on here than on GU - and that has just happened, without any earnest policy decisions from anyone involved. My
conclusion: the derided "clique" must be a very open bunch, and I really like that.
Hey - and it is "our" corner, which means that it is yours too, now that you are a part of its organic growth (I am sure that Ebren, who took the initiative and did the donkey work, is in no way possessive).

Greengrass

Ebren said...

GG -this was not created because of the bannings - that was the original other place (http://ebren.blogspot.com/).

I just happen to be among the ??? (legion of the banned? the banned united? Published and be banned?), and some of them seem to like it here (offside - put that server down, I've told you before - no posting until after the third mohita).

I don't think this is a competition. Or if it is it's a competition designed for and by losers. Which is fine.

I am highly possessive - btw - this is why I let Mouth, Margin, and AndrewM post directly, and gave out the pseuds' email login details a while back.

I just seem to be the only one posting stuff.

andrewm said...

Ebren, I don't like to read the stuff in the pseuds mailbox in case it's part of a conversation you're having with someone. If Miro sends me anything new it will be on here as soon as I can edit it.

I'm keen to show my support by writing something, but it's going badly. I have some ideas but I can't seem to get them across. I'll keep trying.

mimi said...

Lovely Zeph, and you've caught the tone exactly. This could be straight out of a tabloid interview!
Can't wait for the next episode starring Alisha and friends.

Zeph said...

Thanks for a bit more of the back-story, I wasn't around for all the banning stuff. As for cliques, blimey, try the Organ Grinder blog...

More women here eh? Perhaps us females are naturally more rebellious...?

CHANTELLE AND ALISHA said...

GIRL POWER LOL!

fred said...

Ebren -
I stand corrected. This was not a direct result of the bannings. But oppression often fosters creativity (witness the birth of the blues), and I hardly think that this would have happened if the GU had been open and welcoming.
Whatever: it's a site for sore eyes, and getting better all the time (welcome, all you new members of the non-existent "clique"!).

Greengrass

mimi said...

Fred or GG, I don't know who many of you are, you use so many names!
I don't know that we're oppressed by GU - I think that is empowering the hacks with an influence that they simply don't have. But I do agree that without failing to succeed on Seani's Big Blogger, most of us would not have had the nerve to publish here, and this is a very different forum.
Hey, we don't get banned or slapped here!

Zeph said...

'A competition designed for and by losers'.... oh, THAT's why I feel at home....

fred said...

mimi -
we're not all losers on here.
Marcela is by no means a loser, and I think Johnnyboy71 - one of the winners - has contributed.
I haven't submitted anything to Big Blogger. I prefer a friendly forum like this - where even those who don't think they would have a chance of winning, but nevertheless enjoy writing, feel welcome. Here there is no panel of judges, no honourable mentions, no hidden losers - all of us are winners.
Greengrass

P.S. "Fred" or "Greengrass" - just
different ways of signing in

MotM said...

Oh Zeph I liked this.

Living in Sarf London and spending time in a college (alas seldom teaching) the voice is perfect. It's too easy to make this stuff cruel, which I always find a little distasteful, but you capture it with warmth and spirit.

Alisha and Chantelle on tour with various sports teams is a series just waiting to be written - please do it!

mimi said...

When, guys and gals, did I ever suggest that we are losers here?
To me this is the winning forum not least because we TALK and don't just go into a whole load of argument.
It's a joy to me that there is a forum where we discuss.

Zeph said...

MotM, glad you enjoyed it - not sure what I've started here, Chantelle and Alisha seem already to have a life of their own, expect further dispatches from the CWC.

offside said...

Zeph,

I'm not surprised but I'm very impressed nonetheless. This is quality writing and not as easy as it looks. In fact, making it look easy was probably the difficult bit, non?

Don't worry, I'll find some silly comments to post later on but I just wanted to tell you that first.

greengrass said...

Sorry, Mimi - I was answering Zeph (I think).
All these never names - and all this inspiring writing - make my head spin.
GG

greengrass said...

I meant, of course, new names.
Grossgrunt

BlueinBetis said...

Greengrass,

Confused, the blues were born because a scots terrier bit Gus Mears. Everybody knows that. Are you suggesting that dogs are capable of oppression? It would explain a lot, though.

Ms Pankhurst: "I have the same rights as a man, and I want to vote"
Member of Parliament: "My dog says no, sorry, he says you have to go and talk to the King's horse, and ask him."
Ms Pankhurst: "Okay"

It all becomes clear.

greengrass said...

BiB -
are you trying to tell me that Scots terriers aren't historically oppressed?
GG

levremance said...

Yes I've had a muffled belly laugh and several audible sniggers over this story or should I just say lol.

Thanks Zeph.

Zephirine said...

Thank you levremance, the fantasy team king....

Offside, you're right of course, not easy at all. But fun!

Anonymous said...

Great stuff Zephirine

this is like coming to a different pub when you get a bit fed up with your local...

Doley

offside said...

Zeph,

I'm sure you had fun and let me tell you again it was fun to read. Twice.
Now, it's a bit of an obsession with me, but it made me think of another Frank Zappa song. Ever heard "Valley Girl"?

offside said...

hey, Doley!

At last!

Welcome.

Zeph said...

Offside - Chantelle and Alisha are certainly Valley Girls. (Only it's the Lea Valley in Essex).

That would be doleywino then? the football crowd seem to be all over in the Mersey bar...

bluedaddy said...

Doley, the Witherspoons pub definitely had trouble with it's pumps today. We havent got Sky in here, but there's one or two local ales worth trying.

Zeph, I just read this again and it's bloody brilliant. Offside's right - the 'voices' ring true without being cruel. In fact A&C are in the driver's seat.

Zeph said...

Thanks bluedaddy. I thought it was funny, but you never know...

It's hilarious on this site tonight, exactly like when you're at a party a bit early and then everyone comes in from the pub.

greengrass said...

Doley -
welcome, welcome!
Zepp -
glad I got the accent right. Lea Valley, eh? I would quote a limerick about a young plumber of Lea, but Mocne is running riot in the Mersey Bar lock-in with limericks galore, so he'll probably do that one before stop-tap.
Night, all!
Greengrass

MotM said...

I've followed BlueDaddy and read it again and it really is v v good indeed.

Just got to have the next text from Alisha and Chantelle...

Zeph said...

Gavin's making them go to the England/Kenya match on Saturday...

MotM said...

Zeph - Gavin is shaping up to be Man of the Tournament

MotM said...

Actually - I might get a text from Gav myself...

Zeph said...

Hmmm... (struggles to control possessive feelings re characters)

mimi said...

Surely Chantelle is on her way home by now? Must be missing her Preston (North End). Honk.

Zephirine said...

Oh shit, I forgot about that Chantelle... oh well, libel suit coming up.

By the way Mimi, Alisha has a soft spot for a certain ginger English batsman...

mimi said...

Oh god, will I have to fight her on the Caribbean beaches for the attentions of St Paul of Collingwood, or is it into battle for my Bell-Boy?

Zeph said...

It's Mr Bell (who reminds me of a very nice ginger cat I used to have)... but fear not, Alisha is sticking with Gavin, she wants a white wedding in the Bahamas.

MotM said...

My phone might not work - I might not get a text from Gav... I might have to ask Zeph if she can fix my phone...

Zeph said...

lol.

MotM said...

After another humour free zone on Big Blogger and the trauma of the last twenty hours, I am so looking forward to reading Chantelle and Alisha's text.

I can't even begin to describe how much bteer this is than the hooligans piece.

Tweet it, digg it