[ed] Pseuds' Corner - ever eager to track down a pretty face - has gone in search of the maidens our first XI tried to bowl over in the Caribbean, here are the results - as recorded by Zephirine:
"So me and my friend Alisha right, we’re in Saint Lucia cos her boyfriend Gavin wanted to see the cricket and he’s got shedloads of money yeah, so he paid for us but it’s dead boring cos he’s off on all these other islands watching these cricket matches and they’re really long they go on for fifty thingies each side I dunno.
"So me and Alisha right, we went to this club by ourselves and we had a few rum and cokes on Gavin’s platinum card lol. And then these blokes came in and Alisha said to me they’re England cricketers and I was like, they look like a bunch of wankers to me omigod look at that one’s hair. And then this tall one came in and even I knew it was Freddie Flintoff cos I saw him on TV on that bus when he was really pissed that time. You know, ages ago I was still at school, they won that whatsit thing.
"So they saw we didn’t have any blokes with us and they bought us lots of drinks and we all had a laugh yeah, and then we got photos of us with them on our phones to send home to say, look, we’re with these like famous sports blokes.
"They were well hammered right, I said don’t you have like a game to play tomorrow or something but they were just like, bovvered, and the Freddie guy said he could play cricket with a hangover like some Sober bloke, I said to Alisha I didn’t reckon he knew what sober was and she nearly wet herself. He said he could drink Shane Warne under the table and I thought Shane Warne was the one that won The X Factor but he got sort of pissed off with me about that.
"So then they started asking us questions about cricket, like do we know what an over is, and we were like, we dunno, we just come here for the laugh and the beach action lol. Omigod they went all snotty, like it was important or something. The Kevin one who was a bit older, he started trying to teach us all this cricket stuff and Alisha said save your breath, Gavin’s tried for six months and it’s still a load of wank to me.
"Well then they all walked off and Freddie went out on the beach and we were like, well fuck you then arseholes, no need to be so up yourselves, so we phoned the News of the World yeah and sent them the pictures and they promised to pay us fifty grand but Gavin was well mad at us when he got back cos we didn’t sign a contract he said we’ll never see any money.
"I think famous blokes are all the same, when they meet real ordinary girls like us they can’t hack it, we’re too like genuine for them.
"Now our pictures are all over the News of the World and all our friends are texting us we’re famous too, so nyer. Only Gav was right cos they haven’t paid us yet. And they’re all writing stuff about Freddie’s in trouble for being legless, like, big surprise. Well, bovvered. I hate cricket."