Friday, March 23, 2007

Feedback on the Exam by MouthoftheMersey

“…he is also one of a handful of Englishmen to have gained the LMA-sponsored diploma in football management from Warwick University.” The Guardian March 9 2007.

The following text is reproduced from a sheet of paper found next to a photocopier at Warwick University.

Tutor Feedback Dip in FM 2007

Pie and chips on the coach on the way back from an away game does not constitute carbohydrate-loading. You should consider working with a qualified nutritionist to produce individualised diet sheets. Red Bull and vodka will not replace salts lost during a match.

Pre-season training should concentrate on building balanced muscle growth and losing excess fat, avoiding over-training and consequent injury. Whilst running up sandhills may be a valuable component of such work, it should not be the sole form of exercise and never prolonged until “the Big Fella vomits”. It is also not advisable to deposit the first “puker” into the sea, nor to collect used condoms from the beach to throw around on the team bus, whether this activity builds team spirit or not.

New recruits to the club should undergo a detailed health assessment and be immediately issued with instructions on developing and maintaining fitness. This process should be integrated into an all-encompassing induction programme. Taking the new lads to a lap-dancing club then stripping them and tying them to a lamppost whilst recording the evening on mobile phones does not constitute an appropriate induction.

Promoting mental agility is an important element of building decision-making capacity through all members of the squad. However, convening card schools to play No Limit Texas Hold’em until 5.00am the night before a Champions League game is not a suitable activity. It is not the coach’s role to advise young players never to raise if holding a straight draw with just the river card to come.

With football’s role in the community being recognised as crucial in addressing social exclusion, a young player should be encouraged to use his free afternoons to link with voluntary groups or fund raise through charitable works. Advice such as “Dunno. Go home and watch Countdown like me” is not constructive.

Agents are now licensed with a clear and valuable role to play in football. It is not acceptable to scream abuse down the phone at them even in role play, nor is it acceptable to “get my boy to google them on his computer and see if we can blackmail the oily bastard”. Speaking fluent French is not indicative of criminal intent.

Overall it is clear that there is still some way to go before I would wish to put your name forward for final assessment. I wish to see a marked improvement in your attitude – “Let’s put our caps on the table then shall we?” is not seen as a clinching argument at Warwick University.

30 comments:

Zeph said...

Hehe, she said cliquishly in a mutually congratulatory manner. Good fun, Mouth.

I especially like 'speaking fluent French is not indicative of criminal intent'.

Anonymous said...

you've just made me laugh in front of my computer and a pile of pending work.
thanks!

allwell said...

I like this, a lot.

Emma said...

Warwick! I might apply there.

mimi said...

Does Emma know that you're not actually at Warwick?
Mouth, she should be told.
And I did snigger into my porridge at this, and not for the first time ...

Emma said...

Didn't say I didn't know. Just the name of Warwick distracted me from my crappy Hamlet essay to think of possible happier times in the future.

MotM said...

Warwick is a fine and successful university full of go-getting people pushing back all kinds of academic boundaries and all flushed with entrepreneurial spirit.

Were I even to peek inside their doors, I would get the treatment meted out to Private Baldrick by General Melchett - "Get out. We don't want your sort here" - although much more politely of course.

But don't let that put you off Fishcake.

Emma said...

Heh-heh, if that's Warwick, what the hell am I to expect of Oxbridge? (if I even get a look in, that is.)

MotM said...

Churlish of me not to acknowledge the kind words in these comments. I LOVE the idea that I can raise a laugh in an anonymous reader somewhere in the world. It's a trip, as I think people used to say.

Fishcake - there are people better qualified (ha ha!) than me to write about Oxbridge, but I'm sure you're deeply into thestudentsroom.com or facebook or whatever which has the real inside track.

andrewm said...

Mouth, I enjoyed it, but I know Ebren wants more fire on the blog so if you'll forgive me I'll pretend I didn't.

Mouth - what the f*** is this? Did you write this on the bog or something? How long did it take you - five minutes? Russell F'ing Brand could do better than this!!!

And so on .... you get the idea.

PS. Fat Frank is shit.

offside said...

"Speaking fluent French is not indicative of criminal intent."

Non? T'es sûr?

MocneJim said...

Avez vous le bon snout woodbine sil vous plait?

MocneJim said...

If the likes of me had an place ay Warwick and turned it down then you know yer better off looking elsewhere. They did do a great Unite/Liverpool soial psychology experiment I remember. Remind me about it when I can be arsed to tell it

mimi said...

Emma: you still didn't tell me if you'd had a Spanish mock or a Spanish Monk. I need to know!!

Ebren said...

Oxbridge is overrated. Anddy, superb dissent - I'm lovin it.

I have a Cam masters, my sis was thrown out before she got an Oxon version. She is far more successful than me.

Worth going to Oxbridge - but Very Far from the end of the world if you don't get in.

The key is to drinking as much as possible at uni and to still get away with a 2.1.

Emma - feel free tp ignore me.

Loads of love all,

Ebren/james/4tt

offside said...

Ebren,

"my sis... is far more successful than me".

Not anymore, she isn't.

Unless she has a media empire of her own.

Ebren said...

Offside - mate, I thank you for the support - but my evil empire is yet to burgeon.

Give it a few weeks and I will be on top - but currently (and this is not something I admit lightly) she is still winning.

offside said...

Ebren,

don't thank me just yet. Have a look at the other thread first.

MotM said...

andrewm - Top sledging there!

Did you see me catching flak on the OBO? People claiming that I believed my own publicity? What larks!!!

andrewm said...

Mouth, I did see that. It's jealousy, pure and simple. If you were female - as mimi has found out - they would all be asking you out. As it is, they all want to hit you :o)

MotM said...

andrewm - Pleased to see that you survived the cat nibbling.

"There is only one thing worse..."

duncan said...

'even in role play' - ha ha

mimi said...

andrewm: they might SAY that on OBO, but no-one ever has, sob!
BTW comments on other thread about Scottish cats are quite right. I acquired a kitten shortly after moving north, to be company for my older cat. Ha. The small cute bundle of fluff has grown up to be still small, and very cute-looking but underneath the fur is the soul of a ruthless Stalinist dictator who rules not just this house, but the entire surrounding area.

Emma said...

A Spanish monk? I wish! Maybe then I'd come in contact with some boys now and again.

It was a mock. Writing about powercuts and lah.

andrewm said...

mimi, at least you haven't just revealed yourself as an alcoholic to the OBO community :)

I liked the "disturbing insight" line. Andy is one of the few at GU who can be funny without being insulting I think.

mimi said...

andrew: I think I've revealed more than just a drinking habit on OBO in my time, but am not following OBO this afternoon as I have NO FUCKING EMAIL! and it is just no fun if you can't even try to get a comment on. Still have had plenty of time to watch stellar qualifying from Jerez that I taped earlier. Pedrosa, The Doctor and Checa on front row for tomorrow. Hayden satisfyingly back down in 11th (should never have won last year) so all set for a stonking race tomorrow as a warm-up for the nailbiter that will be Bermuda v Bangladesh later in afternoon.

andrewm said...

mimi, just what are the Aussies doing to SA? It sounds brutal. I know they can't really bowl, but will they need to?

mimi said...

andrew: I haven't a fucking clue! I'm so pissed off with no email, and just tried setting up both hotmail and yahoo accounts to tide me over, and found myself so lacking in skill (or maybe it's the glass of wine I've been quaffing) that I can't get either to work. This afternoon is NOT going as planned!

mimi said...

andrew: think I may have set up a google account, but have no-one's email address to test it on (all addresses are kept in my contacts on the email I can't fucking get at).
If you check in here soon, send me a mail to mimitig@googlemail.com so I can see if it's working.
Grrr.

Anonymous said...

That was shite

Tweet it, digg it