England Cricket Team Meeting Transcript by Mimitig and MouthoftheMersey

Transcript of England Team meeting held Friday 22 March 2007

In a strange parallel with the leak of England’s bowling plans during the Ashes series, a tape has surfaced of Michael Vaughan’s team meeting held Friday 23 March 2007. This is a transcript of that tape.

MV – Okay, that’s just about it on the tax advantages of property in Dubai, so we’ll move to next business. Straussy make yourself useful (muffled laughter) and give the non-contracted boys a shout will you? (Sounds of people shuffling into room, chairs scrape)

Right, well I’ve just about had it up to fucking here with you – you pile of losers. We’re going to get serious now, forget the shit everyone is talking about, forget your piss-ups and the deals that some of you fucking bastards have done with the tabloids. This is it, it really is, and the fact I fell down a hole is nothing to laugh at. My knee is fine, just fucking fine, so shut up, the lot of you.

Right: Jamie – just sit down will you? We’ve been talking about Dubai not Welwyn Garden City. For fuck’s sake, you’ve nothing to be happy about.

Tomorrow lads, as you know, we’re up against Kenya – is it Ken-ya or Keen–ya? KP: that’s your neck of the woods isn’t it? We know your history with Happy Valley, so no need to be shy here. God, didn’t they teach you anything between the canings at the General Smuts Voortrekkers Academy?

Colly, didn’t quite catch that, but then, that’s your area. If you’ve got something to contribute, you’re going to have to speak a bit more clearly than that.

I’m saying Kenya and they’re a decent side (muffled giggling) so we’re taking this seriously right? I said RIGHT? Fred, please concentrate – put that bloody can down. Straussy – go and look their ODI record up on cricinfo while I’m going through the team will you? For fuck’s sake, you can’t bat, can’t bowl so do something for the boys.

Okay, here’s the team. I’m shaking things up, and you won’t all be happy (especially you Jamie) but I want to liven things up.

Fred – I’m throwing you in at the deep end (raucous laughter) and you’re opening with me.

Where’s that Irish lad – the little one? Boyce – sorry Joyce? There you are. Well sit tight and stop looking in that mirror will you, I’m coming to you later. Just sorry we don’t have Alistair but never mind, needs must …

Belly Boy – you’re three, but really, let’s see a few more shots shall we, and make sure you move those bloody feet? And don’t for fuck’s sake get caught asking for a drink at the bar again. They WON’T serve you. Child.

KP – Four, and don’t smirk. No-one likes a smart-arse, and winning the best arse in the competition so far is no excuse for slacking.

Colly – Five. Sit down, there’s time for nets later. (Oh god, will that man never rest)

James, sorry, Ed, you’re Six to er… be the finisher that’s right. Not to bail us out, not that at all, no.

Ravi – Seven. I’m sure you’ll get a go. Stop pointing at Jamie – he may have more in his bag than you, but we’re a team here so sit and shut. And you field nearest me all 50 overs nad when it goes past me, you're chasing it.

Nix – Leave Belly alone. Yes, you’re Eight. Why have you got that gum shield in? I know you’ve waited a long time, but sheesh.

Plonker – Nine and put the bottle down. I don’t care if it is low alcohol. It looks bad through the long lenses – don’t you ever learn?

Jimmy and Monty – Toss for it. Loser gets Ten. Ha Ha! Straussy – come in, we’ve just gone through the team.

Now all of you lads who’ve missed out this time – where is Saj by the way – I want you to stay focussed and fit, ready to step in if someone’s knee goes (very muffled laughter).

Right let’s get to nets – Straussy, clear away the glasses will you? (Chairs scrape – sound of whooping: probably Nixon)

Tape finishes.