(A pub. A grumpy old local sits alone by the bar. Jim Reeves' "He'll Have to Go" is heard in the background. An athletic Frenchman enters.)
Greengrass: Alright, O? The usual?
Offside: Please.
Greengrass: Pint of Guinness, pint of Murphy's Ingrid! (To Offside)
Everything OK?
Offside: Yeah. How was your weekend?
Greengrass: Fair to middling. Left town to avoid having to go to the pub and watch England. Had a barbecue, but our neighbour kept nipping off to check the latest non-score on his telly. The only sport apart from that was with Mrs. G.: trying to look busy while actually doing nothing. You know - squinting at the house, taking measurements, noting things down, muttering. And you?
Offside: Much the same. Slept in so I wouldn't have to watch the France game. I hear it wasn't pretty. Otherwise, a spot of blogging while pretending to be working on that translation with the really tight deadline. It's easy enough, I just have to be quick with the Alt-Tab keys if Mrs Offside watches over my shoulder.
(Ingrid sets two pints of the black stuff in front of them. Offside inspects his. There is a little shamrock drawn in the creamy white head.)
Offside: Thanks, Ingrid. Very thoughtful of you.
(Offside turns around and rolls his eyes at Greengrass, as if to say "that's a bit tacky, though".)
Offside: Cheers (They take a sip, Offside looks towards the door) Are we expecting anyone?
Stumble It!
256 comments:
1 – 200 of 256 Newer› Newest»Yes! You're expecting me!
I'll have a boilermaker, like Joan Didion, please, with the whisky on the side.
Is there karaoke later?
Whassup?!?!
Is it only me (the hated one) or is this on screen in a ridiculously small font that I can bearly read? Gave me a laugh though, and that's sorely lacking this evening.
Guinness for me too please Ingrid.
Lads? Not sure they do absinthe offside, but I'll ask, but if not? Okay.
Lulu - move up a bit.
If not McLaren, who else? Hiddinck wouldn't want all that flak at his age would he and Big Phil's said no more times than Boston choirboy.
Is it always that colour Offside?
Mimi- pull up a chair.
Now don't be like that just because you've been denied Vettori screen-time by those dismal Windies bowlers.
What's the view from Scotland? McLaren sounds a bit Scottish to me - can't your mates take him away?
Evening all. It's cold out there.
Vodka with ice for me, Ingrid - no mixer.
Mouth, don't you dare try and fob him off on us. We'll only take him if you can beat me at darts, and pool. And cards. And smoke more cigars in ten minutes.
Where is Offside? Surely he should be here with generous pourings of the absinthe or anything else he can brew on that island of his.
Glad it gave you a laugh, mimi. Here's another one: I just got banned again.
For posting this:
Sweden haven't done badly against England for a good while, but yesterday the Swedes were full of themselves before the match against Northern Ireland. Oh, yes, they knew all about the "threat" posed by that "freak" Healey - they knew exactly how to take care of him - and, yes, centre-half Hansson has come on a treat, so he'll do the job for sure.
When the Swedes have done well against England they've been the underdogs, and they've fought. Yesterday, the Swedes thought they were superior - and they scored the first goal.
The Irish showed real grit - spelt b-a-l-l-s - and fought their way to a well-earned win.
If the England players - and I wouldn't be surprised if one of them earns as much as the entire Northern Ireland team - showed just a fraction of that grit, we'd have been home and dry.
Yes, the England fans have the team they deserve - but I'm glad they booed that sorry bunch.
I couldn't even be bothered to watch.
Greengrass
I'm busting a gut - I've finally drawn level with Hannibal.
Hannibal - there's a piano in here!
sure, enough, motm... do you have enough room?
(dropping voice-level so as to not interrupt the Scotland-McClaren conversation) What kind of translation are you working on, offside?
Mimi - Offside's here. I got him the absinthe. He's smoking a sly cheroot outside I think.
Well, I shouldn't... oh. Okay. Another Guinness then. I hope the kids are asleep.
Greengrass (out of the side of his mouth to Honolulu): "He's translating
The Complete Beatles Songbook from Gaelic into Papuan".
(Sitting up right)Oooh! Is he also converting the guitar chords to ukelele? That could be very useful.
(Offside emerges from the floor hatch behind the bar, slightly flushed)
Sorry, I was giving Ingrid a hand moving kegs around. She can't do it all on her own you know.
Go easy on the absinthe, lads, if you have too much and then go out in the cold, all the blood vessels in your face burst simultaneously.
Did I miss anything?
Ingrid, another vodka to toast GG's success.
HB, the piano is calling you.
(He's waiting for marcela to arrive so he can dazzle her with his Coltrane renditions)
GG: Yep! (New tune on juke-box: Little Stevie Mclaren's cover of "When You're Smilin') Full uke chords, plus the first ever scores for all the Beatles songs for the Hooligan pipes.
(To Honolulu, sotto voce, giving Offside a rheumy glance): Yon Ingrid's allus bin able to move t'kegs on 'er own! She can crack walnuts between 'er knees! (To Andy):
Oh, thank you kindly! (Sweeps vodka) The rest of the bunch 'ave empty glasses, tha knows - 'ow can they toast me wi' nowt to drink?
Pour me a large one, please, I've just had to do trauma with GU so I need a strong drink, and is anyone rolling...?
Ebren stumbles into the bar - haggis in one hand, Scotch bonnet in the other, kilt almost akimbo
"I fuckininnggg love you GG!"
Ebren trips over trailing kilt, saves modesty - just
"Yoouuu'reee grreat"
Ebren finds barstool that is swaying less than the others, tries to order alcohol, Ingrid takes pity and puts a pint of Highlander in front of him
"Laast night, g' this, last night I wasinEdinburgh, and this pub quiz, and the thir kestin on the the, the, the spors round, g' thisss - 'what dutch sport has equal numbers of men and women in it?'
"andIknewit becauz of you
"an we won tha kiz, an we winned it by halfapoint"
"aaay feckin lovews you."
Ebren falls off stool, modesty saved - just - sees Scotch bonnet in hand, eats it
GG, what I meant to say was: drinks for everyone except Ebren.
Greengrass: Mixed-sex gurning, Ebren?
oh la la, gigi...
OhLaLa, ebren!
(lifting feet onto chair to get away from the haggis)
ach, f'wit, ebren - you can't save your modesty falling off a barstool if you're wearing the kilt in the right way! There'd just be nothing to hide.
Pass that absinthe Offside - we're not done here yet.
(To Honolulu) Aye, tha wants to watch
them little buggers! If they bite thee, their jaws lock. Tha needs a crowbar to prise 'em apart!
I'm just off to do a risk assessment in the cellar re that keg moving. Ingrid'll have to er accompany me and demonstrate her normal working practices, so I may be as long as a minute.
Who's holding up that camera-phone? I'll thank you not to do that now please. (Sotto voce) If this ends up on next Thursday's youtube blog that's it for me.
It's just a cough sweet that's all - it's damp in that cellar. Well you need a prescription for these cough sweets. No you don't need to look at the packet - and I've only had a couple of pints anyway, so I don't know what you're insinuating Offside.
Mouth, shove a few down Ebren's throat - a Viagra or two might make him rise.
Ebren - eyes watering profusely from ingesting the contents of the wrong hand - raises head from pool of spilled ale
"Waydaminit hic
"wasntggwasit- it was tone nodGG"
"get thamanadrin"
Ebren, the chili clearing his head rather effectively, at this point realises he is wearing a kilt, that there are ladies present, and he is now spralled on the floor - crawls to nearest toilet - emerges in more appropriate outfit dressed as Morris dancer
"tha's better"
Do we have any pork scratchings?
(Offside is scanning the room at floor-level, looking very worried)
Er, lads, I don't want to kill the mood or anything but we still have some haggis running loose and, erm, maybe we should do something about it... What if they multiply? No, not like that, I mean virally.
Offside: just hit the haggis hard enough to stop it moving. It can't replicate if it's dead. Hit it, hit it, oh god, mind what's up Ebren's kilt, he won't be pleased if you hit that!
(New tune on juke box: Wee Andy Macdonald of That Ilk's cover of "Donald Where's Your Troosers", featuring John Coltrane on bagpipes).
That's a lovely dress, Ebren - you forgot the ankle bells. The Cornish Floral Dance is on next - get primed!
(To Andy, pointing at Mouth disappearing down the hatch):
Hasn't this place come on a treat since we got that transvestite barmaid?
What's that - a pool of spilled beer.
I'm having some of that.
And look - an athletic-looking and thereby oxymoronic Frenchman holding out a bowl of green drink.
Huzzah!
Absinthe
haggis then steps outside - all the veins on her face explode - haggis becomes black pudding, is eaten by passing turtle
Tom Waits or Nick Cave anyone?
Don't worry about the mess on the floor, Ebren will clean it up later.
I thought the mess on the floor WAS Ebren!
Oops, what did I just step into, then?
offside - you didn't spill something from your shell did you?
What?
Oh, it's you Offside.
Can I get a shot of off-topic to go with my ...
Where's my pint gone?
Why is there a Scottish cat fighting a turtle over black pudding?
I'll just pop out and take t'dog for a walk. (Steps over prostate Morris Cambridge dancer, turns to Offside, winks):
If 'e doesn't come up for air soon, throw a lifebelt down that 'atch!
You see, we knew they were real... and the Scottish tourist board insisted otherwise, laughing all the while.
Ha!
(Curls onto chair, legs still up, horrified by the thought of Sheep's innards with oatmeal and/or furry platypuses, and falls asleep dreaming of Homer Simpson and a chili cookoff)ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz
Ebren reclaims bar stool, settles down to pint and chaser of off-topic
Mimi - is that whay haggis is almost extinct?
Damn Scottish cats - quick Andy, distract it with your wrists!
Did I hear that right? McCalren's been sacked and replaced with a Sweet Potato?
I'm going to try and get some sleep under the pool table. If anyone kicks me I'll vomit on your shoes.
mimi, be a pal and play me to sleep with some Nick Cave would you?
Night all.
PS. I can be awoken at any time by someone shouting "FIGHT!!!!!!!!" in my ear. I will spring into action like a startled haggis.
Is that a fresh quiche I spy?
Andy, I don't think shaving lulu's eyebrows while she's asleep is a good idea.
(Offside looks up to see a 7ft tall, green furry creature with a silly hat - looks at his glass of absinthe - sniffs it - looks up again -the creature has morphed into a slightly blurry greengrass)
Oh, it's you. What'd you do wit' ze god, sorry, dog?
Nah - no more napping to Nick Cave - we've got the Jesus and Mary Chain blasting out of the juke box now, and all of you, if that small so sweet furry cat is still around and not chasing the haggis, you should be scared! She'll nip you in places you won't like.
Where's Marcela, or Zeph? This is a bit of a boys' show isn't it?
Bog visoko, a Rusija daleko
Whats the difference between black pudding and haggis?
hey jim: just thinking of you. Nice of you to join us. Are you on the absinthe too?
Blimey, just come in from a very serious evening, stone cold sober, found a message to come here... who ARE these people? I was told it was a meeting of the Franco-Swedish Haiku Society....
Mimi? Is that you? And why are you wearing a cat round your ankle? Oh, mine's a double Glenlivet if that's OK, thanks, very kind...
Beer is good
The taproom opens
Ebren sways
Mimski
Glad to know I'm on yer mind but feel it may only be as we're on the lash tonight. Just the serna vino for me tonight though. Gotta keep it cool before the island extravaganza on Sunday.
Whaddabout hose England "fans", eh?
Trying to get my mate to write a piece on the current div 3 title/playoff race (Forest fan). Anyone interested. He's also mad ferret about American Football......er...........just thought I'd ask, like.
ebren: not good to attempt a haiku this late at night.
Zeph: I fear a permanent cat ankle bracelet is now part of my life. However the small black vicious one has forsaken my keyboard and just taken control of the bed. An improvement? I don't know.
Right - that's it. I'm off home for the night.
I've got to sort out the mess Mouth and Andy left in my office.
I also need to tidy up some copy and post it here while appearing to be doing work.
Night all.
Mimi, is there a small TV in the bar where we can watch the WC highlights and be emotionally confused? I like the Kiwis but I didn't want them to beat the Windies....too sad... can't cope....
No no no nn- no nnn- no no no
No TV. kills the moooood...
Haiku, Haiku... I couldn't bear to watch ze criket anyway. s'like, I dunno, I dunno (loses train of "thought" - sways in Zeph's direction, vaguely)
Hya, ha' ya doin'? Did I tell ya I waz French? (means to lean athletically against wooden post, misses...)
Zeph: we're all emotionally confused but i'm afraid that the haggis ate the tv. No highlights for us!
Offside, mon brave, far be it from me to inflict cricket on your tender Gallic nerves... mind the furniture now...
Zef, jus' elp me up, will ya? I think I've pulled me hamster or somethin...
Do you serve prawn sandwiches here?
It's all right, you slipped on - what on earth is that on the floor? looks like a half-eaten haggis? no, don't tell me... You want to go easy on the absinthe, Offie me old mate, this Gauguin fantasy of yours is all very well but...
(one two three all together now) We only serve prawn sandwiches if they're over 18!!
snort, cackle
Aw look, settle down fellers - oh and looks like we've a couple of girlies in here tonight too. Well, that's alright. We'll serve anyone here in the Taproom. Who's up for some single malts?
"Girlies"? I seem to have unwittingly entered the taproom that time forgot. If I could be bothered, I'd be offended...
No good, gotta go. Sleep.
Offside, what did you do with Mouth? Is he still in the cellar?
Mouth? Dunno. Saw 'im swallow six viagras and disappeat into the cellar with Ingrid. Don't expect him to come up again. At all. Ever.
Pass me a cushion, will ya?
NIght all. Er... sleep tight.
Was it the banning celebration party? I guess I am still on the job to clean up this mess.
guitou! glad you're here... could you pass me a straw? see, if I raise my head, the room spins. and if I tilt my glass, I spills it...
The straws are behind the bar, I am busy with Ingrid.
[door slaps open, in steps man in skintight pink trousers,Chelsea Gullit shirt, green and white scarf emblazoned with "Real Betis Balompie" and matador hat, at jaunty angle]
I've heard there's an after hours party here, mind if I join you? I'll have a servesa pour favour.
[notices something on floor]
What on earth have you done to that sheeps stomach?
[Gallic noises]
Aaah, it's a frenchman....no make that two. What are you doing with that straw?
do you sell rizzla in here?
hello, hello... is this place still open?
What do you think I'm doing? I'm snortin' absinthe through my nose, that's what. Goes straight to the brain.
Where'vyabeen? Did ya borrow Luis's trousers? Are you coming to pick up Ingrid for her late night transvestite show?
oh, allo.
i didn't see you there, bd.
tray asking for 'cerveza' and the natives may understand you better.
Now then ...
Shoot that piano player, I've just put a quid in the jukey.
A bit of Sly & The Family ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJRNtBqHCyc
Marcela, of course we're open but we only have OCB. Oh and can you tell that fake spaniard that this is no bull ring? Off with the pink trousers and let's see what you're wearing underneath...
[flashes knowing look at Marcela]
Sorry
[to Offside]
no, thats Marcela,
[again to Marcela]
look I'm really sorry about him. He's french.
[shrugs shoulders]
[flashes knowing look at Marcela]
Sorry
[to Offside]
no, thats Marcela,
[again to Marcela]
look I'm really sorry about him. He's french.
[shrugs shoulders]
is there an echo in here?
is straw beaucoup? one frenchman is thinking the sun rises in the west tomorow and the ocean pacific runs dry.
The other one is nursing the poor Ingrid or what's left from the beautiful barmaid. BiB , your friends are not the company you should seek few weeks prior to semana santa.
Did someone mention karaoke?
I'd like to get up and do a turn
Marcela ... mine's a brandy if you're going to the bar.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUW5_FNr6VI
'toy 'qui!
'amo' a torear killo!
Marcela, i was going to get seriously blogging on your thread, you know about Mario's last few years with Kremser's sc and in Chile but this wild bunch pulled me back in the taproom.
(Offside - sitting at the bar again - pensively talking to himself)
That's the thing with absinthe, you can't have your own private little hallucination, it has to turn into a circus.
(pats el toro andaluz between the horns - the bull nudges him gently)
(to the bull) Yeah, I know. Don't worry, you're safe here.
Ingrid! Two absinthes! And another straw for my friend here.
I'll have a bowl of skimmed milk for my mate please, that should send him off to sleep. He doesn't let me take off the trousers, says he has no respect for a man that doesn't wear skintight pink trousers..what can I do?
Don't give him absinthe Offisde, he'll be like a bull in a pub, breaking glasses, and its looks like Marvin has just set up and is about to start singing.
Ingrid is hiding behind the curtain. Six viagra to MOTM, was not too smart. He was caught by the police chasing a bus and they took him to the zoo.
blue will be safe as long as he remembers to go to confession tomorrow.
sorry marvy, i took a little while with your brandy because i managed to get hold of some skins after all.
guitou, what were you seriously going to blog about kempes?
you're going to have to do a good job if you hope to match the standard set by oit's st etienne report.
Don't worry, he's not really a bull. I made him up, you see... I think so anyway... He looks real enough...
(bull scratches at the floorboards - Offside looks confused - hesitates...)
Hum, blue, have you see Runf and Munf lately?
St Etienne, "only love can break your heart."
If only I had a computer with a good processor I would find you that song, and put in a youtube link.
Thats what I was thinking about when I read that. Only love can break your heart.
[to el Toro]
will you stop that, I wasn't talking about you!
Marcelle, always pressuring me.Now i am paralyzed with fear. To compete with Offside on writting is like hunting a tiger with a switch.
Runf and Munf will be coming soon to a blogspot near you. I have high hopes for the pair. I only hope Ebren passes them for muster.
[to Toro]
Ya 'ta eh? Que no, hombre! 'tamos hablando!
So, Marcela, do you work or study?
both. permanently. for the moment. yourself?
blueinbetis
Saint Etienne's cover version isn't on YouTube but there is a version by the chap who wrote it, accompanied by one of The Beatles, and it kind of has a pissed on a stay-behind/lock-in late night kind of feel about it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruCXqULP_tc&mode=related&search=
That was a good chat-up line, martillo, no really, it was.
hannibal?!!
next thing we know Sir Oliver Reed's going to walk in the door claiming he beat Maradona to the ball and nutmegged himself before chipping it past Camus.
someone ask the dj to play something a little easier on the soul than macca and neil young SOOOOO past their prime.
is this like an english pub or is it possible to get a cup of coffee around here?
I'm not precisely familiar with the oceanic wildlife in Tahiti but these are for Offside ... he said in a 'Whispering' Bob Harris kind of way ...
'Dolphins' and 'Song To The Siren' by Tim Buckley, the only word for which is ... sublime.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNtyStkHx40
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JAT859NotE&mode=related&search=
espresso? con leche? te gustaria churros? lo tenemos todo...
pssst, martillo, watch and learn.
I pass the smoking you do the talking.
por favor martillo,paga la luz.
Marilla.
Van and Chet for Marcela ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxw98-SBhGo
the siren, the clowns... the churros. it's all too much. i dare not speak for fear of weeping in public.
can i just sit quietly in this corner with guitou and his gear?
Hey, HB, really enjoyed the Tim Buckley clips. Haven't seen the dolphins in a while but the sirens are always around.
Marcela, here's your coffee.
That's my favourite hour. The effects of too many glasses of absinthe are wearing off, just a couple of regulars sitting quietly, enjoying the great tunes on the juke box, sharing a smoke for a smooth landing.
I expect the other regulars will come back soon, looking scruffy and demanding more coffee and croissants.
one night in march ella song the blues.
More old favourites, Prince and his purple accoustic guitar are back on the Tube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAiTj3scoB8
H.B coincidence or indian sign, I was just listening "when doves cry" on itune.
Stella Artois, por favor
Good stuff that Buckley tune, HB.. i'm more partial to his Lorca album... perfectly depressing music !
Et une Stella, une!
Welcome, Rovers. Bit quiet at the moment. Have a seat.
alone again.....
ok.
far from trying to muscle in on hannibal's gig, i venture to offer another one of those exquisite little gems that one stumbles upon now and again -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCwME6Jpn3s
i'll have otro café before i nod off. or better still, while i nod off. hello rovers. wouldn't you rather have a quilmes?
that's true Marcela, but lately i've taken quite the shine to Stellas.. it keeps me in touch with my inner yob.... :0
Great link HB... anyone check out Song to the Siren?
Brillant!
Marcelle, are you talking about JennyHuston?
Glancing my vintage Hamilton, I note that it is 12 am (EST). I must bid all adieu for the evening as I've got an early morning in just a few hours.
At the risk of being unoriginal, I wish to leave you with this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivS5wjwGbn8
I'm sure we'll be crossing paths again quite soon.
cheers
before you do check your email, the cd is on the making
(stirring, stretching, rubbing eyes)
Whadimiss? Whassup? Nina. Good.
(surveying the damage)
(squinting at bullfighter in pink pants, rubbing eyes)
(looking for talking haggis, the spiritual guide)
(putting head back on table)
(asleep)
Yeah, yeah - I'm all right honest. They should have a warning on those cough sweets they really should.
Coffee yes please. Well how strong can you do?
Looks like it's been a good night in here - did I miss anything?
Seems I might have...
(Offside comes out of the kitchen carrying a steaming pot of coffee - sets it down on the bar, which he starts wiping vigourously)
'morning mouth, si'down, make yourself at home, Ingrid had to take the rest of the night off. The others won't be long now. Croissant?
(Greengrass enters, dishevelled, with
BlueDaddy in tow in a "Zola" vintage jersey and doing a fair imitation of the tower of Pisa. GG surveys the scene, tells BD):
I'm after the bugger who slipped my Nebuchadnezzar some o' them Viagra tablets. Ah've chased 'im through three parishes, up 'ill an' down dale. Ah finally found 'im cop-you-late-in wi' a vat o' fifteen-year-old malt at the Glendenning distillery - t' fire brigade's there now wi' weldin' gear, tryin' to cut 'im loose. They said they might - ah say might - be able to save 'im, but 'is member will stay in the vat. Waste of a good breedin' hound - Irish Wolfhound crossed wi' a Pit Bull Terry...
Blue Daddy: Four an' Twenty Virgins
Cam Doon... ...can some bugger tell me where that bloody stag night is? Now what the fuck's that?
(BlueDaddy steps over Marcela and Andy, goes up to the bar and slurs to Offside):
Give us a pint of LaFrog, luv, an' I'll give yer a kiss!
(To GG, sotto voce) I'm glad you told me the barmaid's a tranny - she could've fooled me!
GG: Save mine in t'bottle, Fifi - I'm off to see a fireman about a dog.
Greengrass! Come back here! Or leave if you must, but at least take that specimen with you. I'm not serving him. Don't you think it's bad enough that Ebren threatens to snog me every chance he gets? And now I have to deal with... this?
(Bleudaddy bends down to tie his shoe lace - knocks his head against the bar - crumples in a heap)
Ah, nevermind. (beat) Guitou! Guitou! Jaysus, who's gonna clean this mess?
What's wrong with a little continental 'sophistication'.
Or aren't you man enough to handle it M. Offside?
Marcela - any of that coffee left, I have some sort of hangover.
Anyone know why I am dressed like this?
Man enough? MAN ENOUGH? Jaysus, lad, it's not the snog I mind, but have you smelled your own breath?
Coming from a Frenchman?
I thought you lot approved of the Garlic, coffee, onions combo?
I was trying to fit in....
You may not remember what you were drinking last night but I can tell you it wasn't a garlic, coffee and onion cocktail... And what you did to that cat... that was... urgh.
I may not remember what I did to the cat (although mimi assures me it had it coming) but I did find a photo on my phone of what you were doing with the turtle
non non non non non
pas du tout
wrong kind of turtle altogether
now, I can't do that fancy stuff with links that you do, but here's a link to a picture of me.
http://www.reseau-tortues-marines.org/Chelonia-mydas-tortue-verte.html
As you can see, offside keeps me swimming in absinthe. Nothing to complain about from this turtle
ok, get off the juke box everyone.
Now, altogether...
aruba, jamaica, ooh i wanna tak ya
to bermuda, bahama, come on pretty momma
Key largo, montego, baby why don't we go
down to kokomo
we''l get there fast and then we'll take it slow
that's where we wanna go
way down to kokomo....
i been in this town so long, that back in the city i've been taken for lost and gone for a long, long time...
Ok, i am punctuating my day with trips to the bar, to drunlenly recite beach boys songs to you all.
I am the bore that you all hate at the pub, and i don't careeee.... (cue johnny rotten snarl..)
They say I got brains, but they ain't doing me no good, I wish they could...
Time to breakaway... if not jump for joy.
i had a dream that i could make it alone now but that's not me...
eat a lot, drink a lot, brush 'em like crazy...
when i weas a little bitty baby, my momma did rock me in the cradle, in those old, old, cotton fields back home.
Dear Howard,
It recently came to my attention
That I did not win this year's free-style rap competition
True my feelings were hurt
But I'm okay
I've got three turntables and two microphones
Three turntables and two microphones
If you think I am not a broken man
You are sadly, sadly...
Wrong
Now Howard, I want to be magnanimous
I want to be a good loser
I am not a bitter man
This year's free-style rap competition
Doesn't mean a thing to me now
It's all in the past
But let's face it
You and I know
The whole world knows
That DJ whatshisname doesn't deserve that title
Let my people know that I will be back next year
And I'll have...
Four turntables and three microphones
Four turntables and three microphones
Four turntables and three microphones
Four turntables and three microphones
If she had a set of wings man, I swear she would fly.
I'm a leaf on a windy day
Hang on to your ego
As long as there are stars above you.
Mc Honkey!
When's the next album coming out man? It's been too long.
Greengrass returns, exclaims:
- Oh, Dog above!
He gazes, amazed, at Ebren and Offside furiously turtle-tickling - a sport to be featured at the next Olympics - and turns on his heel, only to gingerly step off it and say:
- The sight of this would turn Ingrid straight. I'll have to talk to Father Sean about this - no more banning parties for Greengrass, for sure...
And he mumbles off towards the Pearson Arms for a glass of Jennings Off Topic and a bratwurst.
Its lunch time over here. Ingrid, can I have a steak please?? Vuelta y vuelta. What?? No bife de chorizo!!?? Cant one have a decent meal in this taproom?? GG, any Astor on the Jukebox?? No?? Boy, Im getting home sick
Pipita, you're going to have to settle for a bife ancho, some empanadas and a palmito salad on the side and churros to finish like the rest of us. Maybe a cheeky 2003 vintage Vicien Reserva to go with the meal. But that's it.
I've heard rumours that the Taproom will be serving again on Sunday. Any truth in this?
Ebren, okay I appreciate your efforts but the empanadas came across as being more a criollo version of yorkshire pudding than anything else...We've also got to do something about the bife ancho...its too gummy. Plus, when I mentioned these things to Ingrid, she got pretty touchy. She should try to understand that there are people from all over the globe here, with different gastronomic demands. Palmito salad was surprisingly good, and I'll bring in some dulce de leche for the churros next time
**yaaaaaawn - stretch - scratchballs**
Is there any coffee left?
Offside
Think their's some left over from lunch. Re lunchtime, cant we have someone taking care of the jukebox when Hannibal's not around?? Didnt have any coins left, so Ingrid was kind enough to put a couple into the machine. Unfortuantely her selction of songs was not the most approprate for that hour of the day. First she selected Tom Jones's "Delilah" which was particularly disturbing, and then The Madness "Bed and Breakfast man" which was just a bit more up lifting
With a large yawn and wondering where the next absinthe is coming from, I've chucked the Triffids on the juke-box if anyone knows or cares. Lonely Stretch seems appropriate ...
Yes, it's that time again. Everybody is out in the real pubs for now, but just you wait for the after hours...
Offside - if only but it's a work morning tomorrow, so I'll just have to ask you to set a few up for me whn I can come back.
So sad to go ...
Orsay, psssst, got any pakalolo????
May be early for you, but over here its the perfect moment to enjoy a bit of that stuff with some whisky and Coltrane's ballads on the jukebox
pipita,
sure, should I just blow the smoke your way, shotgun style?
Orsay
Sure, fire away. Any special recommendation before I start
puffing that stuff???
just sit down and disconnect the phone.
Orsay
Ive disconnected completely...Im feeling relaxed, but this fine groovy shit youve sent over isnt helping me figure out that bizarre quiz you sent over at Gu about scoring two goals without setting foot on the pitch, or something like that
hey, hey, hey, vait a minute zis is ze guy who last night,cleaned-up your bordel and called ze ambulance for ze poor Ingrid .Is she back to work?I like her beaucoup.
Don't forget to turn off ze light and to leave ze key under ze mat.You crazy peepole.
Guitou!!!!!!!
Want to share some of this pakalolo????
Pipita - i do my best to make our Argies feel at home and you scorn my efforts.
No paakalolo for you!
ah come on, Ebren, don't be like that, pipita's a bloody foreigner, he doesn't know any better. Pakalolo for everyone, it's my round.
Well Ebren, I had a real rough time chewing that bife ancho and eating em churros with no dulce de leche, so that tahitian stuff came in handy to ease things up a bit. Dont worry I'll order supplies of bife de lomo for the taproom. Oi Offside, no need to be abusive and pass the pakalolo, youve had quite enough
not again please, it's friday night got to take the dog to a movie...
pipita pakolo makes you melon going mango.
pipita,
just checking if you were still awake... that stuff can send you to sleep if you're not careful.
guitou,
is that gg's dog you're taking to the movies? Does he know?
are you kidding, he is waiting by the door with his cap and sunglasses on.Not barking though just yapping.
pipita, hello, what is the story with Maradonna going to psycho-evaluation, don't they know already the guy is coockoo..?
I some some replay River vs Liga a lot of missed-opporunities. Are you frustrated with the draw? Reims was the team I was supposed to play for when I was 16 in Beauvais France.
their best team was with Kopa-Piantoni-Fontaine-
Vincent etc...their coach Batteux was the coach for France at the time, most of the team were international.
Offside
Yep, still here alive and kicking. Just picked up my eldest daughter from a 12 year old's party. The other parents were staring at me kind of strange. Must be the paka lolo hang-over showing in my face...Dozed off for a while and had these hallucinations that I was playing these one-two's with Marama in this five-a-side game
Guito
The reason why Im so heavily into this pakalolo stuff tonight has a lot to do with my miserable mood over River's latest performances. Last night was a slight improvement but not enough. Cant score goals anymore. Did you really get anywhere near playing for Reims youths??I followed them when they had Bianchi and Santamaria playing for them. As for Diego, Im pretty bored of his his ups and downs. Apparentlyy he is getting better
pipitou, guitao,
I'm not old enough to have seen the great Reims but they were still in the top division when I started following football. I left the anorak in France but I remember Carlos Bianchi very well and I think he scored 38 goals in 38 games for Reims in the 76 or 77 season. Don't have the stats handy and my memory could be playing tricks on me. Could have been 34 or something like that, which is still amazing.
The French cup final that year was St-Etienne v Reims. 2-1 for the team in green.
Offsidinho, guitoao
Yeah, Bianchi was a goal-machine. To think I saw him play for velez in 1971 when I was a kid...Always scored against River, team he allegedly supported, then the bastard went on to coach Boca and won all these trophies with them
pipinho,
can you do that? Support River and coach Boca to the title? Don't you get death threats?
Speaking of which, did you see the news about the supporters/gang leader that turned himself in in Argentina yesterday? Is that the guy Marcela wrote an article about a few months ago?
Did Bianchi play a season or two for PSG at the end of his career in France or is the paka playing tricks on me? Doesn't look good for Gallardo's new friends at the moment...
The Great Reims was 55-56, I was in high school and that when they played real Madrid in European cup a couple times .Early 60's I was playing with A, Beauvais, yes I could and wanted to play for Reims, I knew and played when I was a little kid with some guys who made it big with the pros.
But the problem was 1)my school in Beauvais and 2)my parents-
Later while in Paris I used to drive to Reims to watch them play until they crashed,once their sponsor and president Henri Germain passed away.they didn't have the ressources to compete anymore.
Offside, no you are perfectly right about Bianchi playing for PSG after Reims ,then he went to Argentina and came back in Reims few years later ,I think he retired as a Remois. (65).
Guys! What are we doing? We're talking football, that's completely off topic! Put it away, greengrass will be back soon, he'll be mad as hell.
guitou,
which position did you play?
position:inter droit- you know Wenger stole the book from Batteux. Arsenal style of play is very similar to the Reims late fifties....They have the same problem too pretty...Real's Di Stefano, Gento,Puskas more athlectoc and realistic football.
We are of topic yes, but all the drunks are gone to bed.
Well that shouldn't stop us from having a drink ourselves. I have a brand new bottle of amber rum from Hawaii but it's still a bit early for the hard stuff. I think I'll take a leaf out of andy's book and go for a shandy. Refreshing.
Arsenal 2000 - Reims 1960 would be quite a game but who stole the jersey from who?
I'm still here to take orders by the way... Why do you all keep such strange hours?
Sunday roast, anyone?
Offside
Fine with me. I'll even accept the gravy and yorkshire pudding to go with it...And a bottle of Bordeauxlais in honor of Cavenaghi and the cup win
no april fish at the menu today?
Hi guys - I'm in now after a lovely sunny day down at the beach and harbour.
I've got a lot to celebrate tonight- 7 gold medals in Majorca including a triple for Queen of the Track Vicky Pendleton, and golds for local boy Chris Hoy and fab stuff from Bradley and Craig - another local boy. So nice to have a sport at which Team GB slaughters all-comers.
I think I'll have something fizzy, please Offside.
hi, mimi.
or have you left already? i see it's a good 3 hours since your first this evening. but i'm up for sipping slowly at the bar for a wee while...
Marcela: how nice to see you. Looks like it's a quiet night in here. What's your poison? I'm on the fizz cos I'm so excited about our performance in Majorca, but I know the others won't share my enthusiasm!
Well - 'ello, Marbella luv! Ah see they've cleaned up in 'ere - 'asn't bin a neet like it sin Armistice Day!
No, ah won't 'ave one, luv, ah'm off to see a man about a virtual dog. If
t'vicar comes in, tell 'im to stop - ah'll be back soon. (Whispers) An' watch out fer that Froggy bloke...
glenmorangie. straight.
greengrass, just listening to a rather beautiful rendition of 'do not go gentle into that good night', which arrived yesterday.
really lovely in so many ways. your voice is particularly soothing. thank you so much.
mimi, is tura anywhere near you?
tura, jura they're all just islands to me - we're more mountains and rivers here. Is that the original Richard Burton reading of Do not go gentle that was mentioned?
We Welsh are quite good at that sort of thing you know.
i don't think it's richard burton. i think it's a certain blogger singer songwriter with a record number of bannings on GU and a scandinavian drink habit...
co author of this very blog entry as well as several songs on same cd.
i'm sure mouth can broker you a copy, mimi.
it's very nice!
so mimi, you lived in oxford when exactly?
Marcela, if I told you exactly when I lived in Oxford, I would reveal my age, and a lady never does that! However, most of my life has been far from ladylike! I was born and brought up in Oxford and started my professional career at OUP in the 1980s. Any more questions? From the crew?
And Marcela, I have been mystified by exactly where you write from? South America, or GU Towers?
And where's Offside? Hey - I saw he made a joke on a GU blog about 1 April and there's been a huge lack of fun. does anyone remember the Guardian spoof some years back of the island of San Serif?
i lived there for a while... that's why i ask.
Marcela - if you were there in the key years of 1979-1990, maybe we might have met?
(Offside stumbles in, unsteady gait, puffy eyes, leans heavily against the bar)
Hi.
Need drink.
Hair of the greengrass' dog that bit me.
(leans over, steals Marcela's glass, sniffs)
Glenmorrangie? Aye, that'll do.
(downs glass)
Mimi, if you lend me ten pounds, I'll buy you a drink.
Hey, ladies, don't want to interrupt, just passing by, I am getting my sissy drink to go. Night everybody.
As for where i write from, i write from my home, which is very near GU towers but not quite in there, if you know what i mean.
a particular poignant moment in my blogging experience came when i read on a GU thread that GU were having their christmas party that evening.
it was a fun thread, so i was following it on and off with the screen open. later on that evening i looked out of my kitchen window - which is an unfussy square, a bit like a screen - and saw the GU lot in the pub accross the road. My local.
i refreshed the ol' mac screen, with a marlowesque squint. bluedaddy was making his local pub/other pub analogy. i looked up through the kitchen window, waved with a grin at few faces waving back, looked back down at the mac window... there i was, literally caught between two taprooms.
ahhh. les amis francaise qui vien a nous aider...
offside: I'm still waiting for someone to join me in cracking open the sparkly stuff to celebrate my boys and girls in Majorca, so if you're buying, then mine's a glass of the finest bubbly.
Marcela - I'm still none the wisest, and when were you in the old Oxenford?
offside Dubonnet cocktail to go please,Pour the dubonnet and the gin in a glass without ice cubes, you always put more ice than liquid.Ladies drinks are one me...here's the dow, keep the change.
september 1981 - summer 1985.
it's a fact our paths have crossed before. don't you think?
maybe we were both lying in the university parks when viv richards played there. or maybe i served you at the cherwell boathouse. you might have walked out of a film at the phoenix as i made my way into the 1.00 screenings.
maybe i unlocked my bike just as you walked out of an oxfam bookshop.
A cocktail to go? Are you not staying mon brave gitou? surely not scared of a haggis or ebren in his skirt?
Allright, if you want to celebrate and guitou is buying, let's do things properly.
(offside springs to life and athletically leaps over the bar - lands on his feet - opens fridge doors - rummages around - clinking bottles sounds - sufaces holding two bottles and several glasses - arranges them on the bar - cork goes pop - starts pouring)
This is the simplest cocktail in the world. One third vodka, two thirds champagne. That's it. Chilled glasses but no fancy decorations. Mind you, has to be quality ingredients, if you use the cheap stuff, you end up with the mother of all hangovers.
Cheers
Marcela: you send shivers down my spine, as any of those things could have happened. I used to spend endless afternoons in the Parks, I had many a lunch at the Cherwell Boathouse and I went to the Phoenix most Monday nights for the 6pm screenings - only ever walked out once. Did you by any chance ever come to our music things at St Paul's - the old deconsecrated church opposite OUP or maybe the indie club I ran at the Jericho Tavern?
offside - i'l stay for a bit but only if you can supply with caffeine rather than champagne. as i think i've mentioned before - never.
mimi, i remember the music stuff at St paul's, but although i often went into the jericho tavern i have absolutely no recollection of anything that went on in there.
and gui - if you're buying. you're staying.
Marcela: have a latte - I've heard they're good here. As far as the Jericho Tavern is concerned rather awfully, although I ran the music for 6 months, I can remember little of it also!
Though we do have family history there - it's where my Mum proposed to my Dad!
Dark blues springing up everywhere!
I shall be in Putney for the Boat Race next week, proudly sporting my light blue colours.
Anyone with me - or are you all over at the other place?
I am staying and I am sad to learn that you remember the Tavern rather than the st Paul church.Mimi, do you care for a Sazerac, Edgar Poe favorite,offside will join us that's for sure.
Marcela, that's because you haven't tried my vodka-champagne combination. Go on, give it a try.
ebren,
if ir was still march ella will be singing the blues for you..
(2nd attempt)
ebren: enjoy your light blue - you deserve a win after the last few years pastings!
More champagne please Offside, like the cocktail, but you're not using the best Icelandic vodka there, that's what I expect. I have 7 gold medals to celebrate and that's gonna take a lot of drinks being bought for me!!
oit - no way mate. i ain't drinking. not now.
ebren. putney is not easy for me to get to. and the boat race is not something that would drag me there. in fact, wild horses would struggle.
if you're coming down from cambridge, you will be passing king's x and the GU location in the physical world?
we could schedule a taproom meeting to discuss new media, how blogging is shaping the representation of sport in contemporary culture, and plot a pr/advertising and distribution campaign for Pseud'sCorner.
gui my firend. i remember st paul's vividly. it's the jericho tavern that blurs into the other pubs, the other nights...
Mimi
Me too lived in Oxford, especially during the 1987-93 period. Woodstock Rd, Abingdon Rd, Jericho near OUP, North Oxford near the parks...So pretty much around those same places you used to frequent. Surely our paths crossed at some point during those years...
(sigh)
allright so.
(offside picks up Marcela's glass - empties it into his own - disappears behind the bar)
(voice from the kitchen)
I'll make you a cup of my world famous tahitian vanilla flavoured coffee, is that allright?
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