Thursday, March 29, 2007

Team Talk – a virtual taproom

(A pub. A grumpy old local sits alone by the bar. Jim Reeves' "He'll Have to Go" is heard in the background. An athletic Frenchman enters.)

Greengrass: Alright, O? The usual?

Offside: Please.

Greengrass: Pint of Guinness, pint of Murphy's Ingrid! (To Offside)
Everything OK?

Offside: Yeah. How was your weekend?

Greengrass: Fair to middling. Left town to avoid having to go to the pub and watch England. Had a barbecue, but our neighbour kept nipping off to check the latest non-score on his telly. The only sport apart from that was with Mrs. G.: trying to look busy while actually doing nothing. You know - squinting at the house, taking measurements, noting things down, muttering. And you?

Offside: Much the same. Slept in so I wouldn't have to watch the France game. I hear it wasn't pretty. Otherwise, a spot of blogging while pretending to be working on that translation with the really tight deadline. It's easy enough, I just have to be quick with the Alt-Tab keys if Mrs Offside watches over my shoulder.

(Ingrid sets two pints of the black stuff in front of them. Offside inspects his. There is a little shamrock drawn in the creamy white head.)

Offside: Thanks, Ingrid. Very thoughtful of you.

(Offside turns around and rolls his eyes at Greengrass, as if to say "that's a bit tacky, though".)

Offside: Cheers (They take a sip, Offside looks towards the door) Are we expecting anyone?

257 comments:

1 – 200 of 257   Newer›   Newest»
honolulu said...

Yes! You're expecting me!

I'll have a boilermaker, like Joan Didion, please, with the whisky on the side.

Is there karaoke later?

Whassup?!?!

mimi said...

Is it only me (the hated one) or is this on screen in a ridiculously small font that I can bearly read? Gave me a laugh though, and that's sorely lacking this evening.

MotM said...

Guinness for me too please Ingrid.

Lads? Not sure they do absinthe offside, but I'll ask, but if not? Okay.

Lulu - move up a bit.

If not McLaren, who else? Hiddinck wouldn't want all that flak at his age would he and Big Phil's said no more times than Boston choirboy.

Is it always that colour Offside?

MotM said...

Mimi- pull up a chair.

Now don't be like that just because you've been denied Vettori screen-time by those dismal Windies bowlers.

What's the view from Scotland? McLaren sounds a bit Scottish to me - can't your mates take him away?

andrewm said...

Evening all. It's cold out there.

Vodka with ice for me, Ingrid - no mixer.

Mouth, don't you dare try and fob him off on us. We'll only take him if you can beat me at darts, and pool. And cards. And smoke more cigars in ten minutes.

mimi said...

Where is Offside? Surely he should be here with generous pourings of the absinthe or anything else he can brew on that island of his.

greengrass said...

Glad it gave you a laugh, mimi. Here's another one: I just got banned again.
For posting this:
Sweden haven't done badly against England for a good while, but yesterday the Swedes were full of themselves before the match against Northern Ireland. Oh, yes, they knew all about the "threat" posed by that "freak" Healey - they knew exactly how to take care of him - and, yes, centre-half Hansson has come on a treat, so he'll do the job for sure.
When the Swedes have done well against England they've been the underdogs, and they've fought. Yesterday, the Swedes thought they were superior - and they scored the first goal.
The Irish showed real grit - spelt b-a-l-l-s - and fought their way to a well-earned win.
If the England players - and I wouldn't be surprised if one of them earns as much as the entire Northern Ireland team - showed just a fraction of that grit, we'd have been home and dry.
Yes, the England fans have the team they deserve - but I'm glad they booed that sorry bunch.
I couldn't even be bothered to watch.

Greengrass

I'm busting a gut - I've finally drawn level with Hannibal.

Hannibal - there's a piano in here!

honolulu said...

sure, enough, motm... do you have enough room?

(dropping voice-level so as to not interrupt the Scotland-McClaren conversation) What kind of translation are you working on, offside?

MotM said...

Mimi - Offside's here. I got him the absinthe. He's smoking a sly cheroot outside I think.

Well, I shouldn't... oh. Okay. Another Guinness then. I hope the kids are asleep.

greengrass said...

Greengrass (out of the side of his mouth to Honolulu): "He's translating
The Complete Beatles Songbook from Gaelic into Papuan".

honolulu said...

(Sitting up right)Oooh! Is he also converting the guitar chords to ukelele? That could be very useful.

offside said...

(Offside emerges from the floor hatch behind the bar, slightly flushed)

Sorry, I was giving Ingrid a hand moving kegs around. She can't do it all on her own you know.

Go easy on the absinthe, lads, if you have too much and then go out in the cold, all the blood vessels in your face burst simultaneously.

Did I miss anything?

andrewm said...

Ingrid, another vodka to toast GG's success.

HB, the piano is calling you.

(He's waiting for marcela to arrive so he can dazzle her with his Coltrane renditions)

greengrass said...

GG: Yep! (New tune on juke-box: Little Stevie Mclaren's cover of "When You're Smilin') Full uke chords, plus the first ever scores for all the Beatles songs for the Hooligan pipes.

greengrass said...

(To Honolulu, sotto voce, giving Offside a rheumy glance): Yon Ingrid's allus bin able to move t'kegs on 'er own! She can crack walnuts between 'er knees! (To Andy):
Oh, thank you kindly! (Sweeps vodka) The rest of the bunch 'ave empty glasses, tha knows - 'ow can they toast me wi' nowt to drink?

mimi said...

Pour me a large one, please, I've just had to do trauma with GU so I need a strong drink, and is anyone rolling...?

Ebren said...

Ebren stumbles into the bar - haggis in one hand, Scotch bonnet in the other, kilt almost akimbo

"I fuckininnggg love you GG!"

Ebren trips over trailing kilt, saves modesty - just

"Yoouuu'reee grreat"

Ebren finds barstool that is swaying less than the others, tries to order alcohol, Ingrid takes pity and puts a pint of Highlander in front of him

"Laast night, g' this, last night I wasinEdinburgh, and this pub quiz, and the thir kestin on the the, the, the spors round, g' thisss - 'what dutch sport has equal numbers of men and women in it?'

"andIknewit becauz of you

"an we won tha kiz, an we winned it by halfapoint"

"aaay feckin lovews you."

Ebren falls off stool, modesty saved - just - sees Scotch bonnet in hand, eats it

andrewm said...

GG, what I meant to say was: drinks for everyone except Ebren.

greengrass said...

Greengrass: Mixed-sex gurning, Ebren?

honolulu said...

oh la la, gigi...

OhLaLa, ebren!

(lifting feet onto chair to get away from the haggis)

mimi said...

ach, f'wit, ebren - you can't save your modesty falling off a barstool if you're wearing the kilt in the right way! There'd just be nothing to hide.
Pass that absinthe Offside - we're not done here yet.

greengrass said...

(To Honolulu) Aye, tha wants to watch
them little buggers! If they bite thee, their jaws lock. Tha needs a crowbar to prise 'em apart!

MotM said...

I'm just off to do a risk assessment in the cellar re that keg moving. Ingrid'll have to er accompany me and demonstrate her normal working practices, so I may be as long as a minute.

Who's holding up that camera-phone? I'll thank you not to do that now please. (Sotto voce) If this ends up on next Thursday's youtube blog that's it for me.

It's just a cough sweet that's all - it's damp in that cellar. Well you need a prescription for these cough sweets. No you don't need to look at the packet - and I've only had a couple of pints anyway, so I don't know what you're insinuating Offside.

greengrass said...

Mouth, shove a few down Ebren's throat - a Viagra or two might make him rise.

Ebren said...

Ebren - eyes watering profusely from ingesting the contents of the wrong hand - raises head from pool of spilled ale

"Waydaminit hic

"wasntggwasit- it was tone nodGG"

"get thamanadrin"

Ebren, the chili clearing his head rather effectively, at this point realises he is wearing a kilt, that there are ladies present, and he is now spralled on the floor - crawls to nearest toilet - emerges in more appropriate outfit dressed as Morris dancer

"tha's better"

andrewm said...

Do we have any pork scratchings?

offside said...

(Offside is scanning the room at floor-level, looking very worried)

Er, lads, I don't want to kill the mood or anything but we still have some haggis running loose and, erm, maybe we should do something about it... What if they multiply? No, not like that, I mean virally.

mimi said...

Offside: just hit the haggis hard enough to stop it moving. It can't replicate if it's dead. Hit it, hit it, oh god, mind what's up Ebren's kilt, he won't be pleased if you hit that!

greengrass said...

(New tune on juke box: Wee Andy Macdonald of That Ilk's cover of "Donald Where's Your Troosers", featuring John Coltrane on bagpipes).

That's a lovely dress, Ebren - you forgot the ankle bells. The Cornish Floral Dance is on next - get primed!

(To Andy, pointing at Mouth disappearing down the hatch):
Hasn't this place come on a treat since we got that transvestite barmaid?

haggis said...

What's that - a pool of spilled beer.

I'm having some of that.

And look - an athletic-looking and thereby oxymoronic Frenchman holding out a bowl of green drink.

Huzzah!

Absinthe

haggis then steps outside - all the veins on her face explode - haggis becomes black pudding, is eaten by passing turtle

mimi said...

Tom Waits or Nick Cave anyone?
Don't worry about the mess on the floor, Ebren will clean it up later.

offside said...

I thought the mess on the floor WAS Ebren!

offside said...

Oops, what did I just step into, then?

mimi said...

offside - you didn't spill something from your shell did you?

Ebren said...

What?

Oh, it's you Offside.

Can I get a shot of off-topic to go with my ...

Where's my pint gone?

Why is there a Scottish cat fighting a turtle over black pudding?

greengrass said...

I'll just pop out and take t'dog for a walk. (Steps over prostate Morris Cambridge dancer, turns to Offside, winks):
If 'e doesn't come up for air soon, throw a lifebelt down that 'atch!

honolulu said...

You see, we knew they were real... and the Scottish tourist board insisted otherwise, laughing all the while.

Ha!

(Curls onto chair, legs still up, horrified by the thought of Sheep's innards with oatmeal and/or furry platypuses, and falls asleep dreaming of Homer Simpson and a chili cookoff)ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

mimi said...

for fuck's sake ebren, that's not a black pudding. Yer wee scottish cat's trying to kill the haggis. More absinthe please offside. I can't take this tension.

Ebren said...

Ebren reclaims bar stool, settles down to pint and chaser of off-topic

Mimi - is that whay haggis is almost extinct?

Damn Scottish cats - quick Andy, distract it with your wrists!

Did I hear that right? McCalren's been sacked and replaced with a Sweet Potato?

andrewm said...

I'm going to try and get some sleep under the pool table. If anyone kicks me I'll vomit on your shoes.

mimi, be a pal and play me to sleep with some Nick Cave would you?

Night all.

PS. I can be awoken at any time by someone shouting "FIGHT!!!!!!!!" in my ear. I will spring into action like a startled haggis.

Ebren said...

Is that a fresh quiche I spy?

offside said...

Andy, I don't think shaving lulu's eyebrows while she's asleep is a good idea.

(Offside looks up to see a 7ft tall, green furry creature with a silly hat - looks at his glass of absinthe - sniffs it - looks up again -the creature has morphed into a slightly blurry greengrass)

Oh, it's you. What'd you do wit' ze god, sorry, dog?

mimi said...

Nah - no more napping to Nick Cave - we've got the Jesus and Mary Chain blasting out of the juke box now, and all of you, if that small so sweet furry cat is still around and not chasing the haggis, you should be scared! She'll nip you in places you won't like.
Where's Marcela, or Zeph? This is a bit of a boys' show isn't it?

MocneJim said...

Bog visoko, a Rusija daleko

MocneJim said...

Whats the difference between black pudding and haggis?

mimi said...

hey jim: just thinking of you. Nice of you to join us. Are you on the absinthe too?

Zeph said...

Blimey, just come in from a very serious evening, stone cold sober, found a message to come here... who ARE these people? I was told it was a meeting of the Franco-Swedish Haiku Society....

Mimi? Is that you? And why are you wearing a cat round your ankle? Oh, mine's a double Glenlivet if that's OK, thanks, very kind...

Ebren said...

Beer is good
The taproom opens
Ebren sways

MocneJim said...

Mimski
Glad to know I'm on yer mind but feel it may only be as we're on the lash tonight. Just the serna vino for me tonight though. Gotta keep it cool before the island extravaganza on Sunday.

Whaddabout hose England "fans", eh?

Trying to get my mate to write a piece on the current div 3 title/playoff race (Forest fan). Anyone interested. He's also mad ferret about American Football......er...........just thought I'd ask, like.

mimi said...

ebren: not good to attempt a haiku this late at night.
Zeph: I fear a permanent cat ankle bracelet is now part of my life. However the small black vicious one has forsaken my keyboard and just taken control of the bed. An improvement? I don't know.

Ebren said...

Right - that's it. I'm off home for the night.

I've got to sort out the mess Mouth and Andy left in my office.

I also need to tidy up some copy and post it here while appearing to be doing work.

Night all.

Zeph said...

Mimi, is there a small TV in the bar where we can watch the WC highlights and be emotionally confused? I like the Kiwis but I didn't want them to beat the Windies....too sad... can't cope....

offside said...

No no no nn- no nnn- no no no

No TV. kills the moooood...

Haiku, Haiku... I couldn't bear to watch ze criket anyway. s'like, I dunno, I dunno (loses train of "thought" - sways in Zeph's direction, vaguely)

Hya, ha' ya doin'? Did I tell ya I waz French? (means to lean athletically against wooden post, misses...)

mimi said...

Zeph: we're all emotionally confused but i'm afraid that the haggis ate the tv. No highlights for us!

Zeph said...

Offside, mon brave, far be it from me to inflict cricket on your tender Gallic nerves... mind the furniture now...

offsideonthefloor said...

Zef, jus' elp me up, will ya? I think I've pulled me hamster or somethin...

martillo said...

Do you serve prawn sandwiches here?

Zeph said...

It's all right, you slipped on - what on earth is that on the floor? looks like a half-eaten haggis? no, don't tell me... You want to go easy on the absinthe, Offie me old mate, this Gauguin fantasy of yours is all very well but...

the cat said...

(one two three all together now) We only serve prawn sandwiches if they're over 18!!

snort, cackle

mimi said...

Aw look, settle down fellers - oh and looks like we've a couple of girlies in here tonight too. Well, that's alright. We'll serve anyone here in the Taproom. Who's up for some single malts?

martillo said...

"Girlies"? I seem to have unwittingly entered the taproom that time forgot. If I could be bothered, I'd be offended...

Zeph said...

No good, gotta go. Sleep.

Offside, what did you do with Mouth? Is he still in the cellar?

offsidestillonthefloor said...

Mouth? Dunno. Saw 'im swallow six viagras and disappeat into the cellar with Ingrid. Don't expect him to come up again. At all. Ever.

Pass me a cushion, will ya?

Zeph said...

NIght all. Er... sleep tight.

guitougoal said...

Was it the banning celebration party? I guess I am still on the job to clean up this mess.

offside said...

guitou! glad you're here... could you pass me a straw? see, if I raise my head, the room spins. and if I tilt my glass, I spills it...

guitougoal said...

The straws are behind the bar, I am busy with Ingrid.

BlueinBetis said...

[door slaps open, in steps man in skintight pink trousers,Chelsea Gullit shirt, green and white scarf emblazoned with "Real Betis Balompie" and matador hat, at jaunty angle]

I've heard there's an after hours party here, mind if I join you? I'll have a servesa pour favour.

[notices something on floor]

What on earth have you done to that sheeps stomach?

[Gallic noises]

Aaah, it's a frenchman....no make that two. What are you doing with that straw?

marcela said...

do you sell rizzla in here?

hello, hello... is this place still open?

offside said...

What do you think I'm doing? I'm snortin' absinthe through my nose, that's what. Goes straight to the brain.

Where'vyabeen? Did ya borrow Luis's trousers? Are you coming to pick up Ingrid for her late night transvestite show?

marcela said...

oh, allo.
i didn't see you there, bd.

tray asking for 'cerveza' and the natives may understand you better.

hannibalbrooks said...

Now then ...

Shoot that piano player, I've just put a quid in the jukey.

A bit of Sly & The Family ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJRNtBqHCyc

Ingrid said...

Marcela, of course we're open but we only have OCB. Oh and can you tell that fake spaniard that this is no bull ring? Off with the pink trousers and let's see what you're wearing underneath...

BlueinBetis said...

[flashes knowing look at Marcela]

Sorry

[to Offside]

no, thats Marcela,

[again to Marcela]

look I'm really sorry about him. He's french.

[shrugs shoulders]

BlueinBetis said...

[flashes knowing look at Marcela]

Sorry

[to Offside]

no, thats Marcela,

[again to Marcela]

look I'm really sorry about him. He's french.

[shrugs shoulders]

BlueinBetis said...

is there an echo in here?

guitougoal said...

is straw beaucoup? one frenchman is thinking the sun rises in the west tomorow and the ocean pacific runs dry.
The other one is nursing the poor Ingrid or what's left from the beautiful barmaid. BiB , your friends are not the company you should seek few weeks prior to semana santa.

marvin gaye said...

Did someone mention karaoke?

I'd like to get up and do a turn

Marcela ... mine's a brandy if you're going to the bar.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUW5_FNr6VI

El Toro Andaluz said...

'toy 'qui!

'amo' a torear killo!

guitougoal said...

Marcela, i was going to get seriously blogging on your thread, you know about Mario's last few years with Kremser's sc and in Chile but this wild bunch pulled me back in the taproom.

offside said...

(Offside - sitting at the bar again - pensively talking to himself)

That's the thing with absinthe, you can't have your own private little hallucination, it has to turn into a circus.

(pats el toro andaluz between the horns - the bull nudges him gently)

(to the bull) Yeah, I know. Don't worry, you're safe here.

Ingrid! Two absinthes! And another straw for my friend here.

BlueinBetis said...

I'll have a bowl of skimmed milk for my mate please, that should send him off to sleep. He doesn't let me take off the trousers, says he has no respect for a man that doesn't wear skintight pink trousers..what can I do?

BlueinBetis said...

Don't give him absinthe Offisde, he'll be like a bull in a pub, breaking glasses, and its looks like Marvin has just set up and is about to start singing.

guitougoal said...

Ingrid is hiding behind the curtain. Six viagra to MOTM, was not too smart. He was caught by the police chasing a bus and they took him to the zoo.

marcela said...

blue will be safe as long as he remembers to go to confession tomorrow.

sorry marvy, i took a little while with your brandy because i managed to get hold of some skins after all.

guitou, what were you seriously going to blog about kempes?

you're going to have to do a good job if you hope to match the standard set by oit's st etienne report.

offside said...

Don't worry, he's not really a bull. I made him up, you see... I think so anyway... He looks real enough...

(bull scratches at the floorboards - Offside looks confused - hesitates...)

Hum, blue, have you see Runf and Munf lately?

BlueinBetis said...

St Etienne, "only love can break your heart."

If only I had a computer with a good processor I would find you that song, and put in a youtube link.

Thats what I was thinking about when I read that. Only love can break your heart.

[to el Toro]

will you stop that, I wasn't talking about you!

guitougoal said...

Marcelle, always pressuring me.Now i am paralyzed with fear. To compete with Offside on writting is like hunting a tiger with a switch.

BlueinBetis said...

Runf and Munf will be coming soon to a blogspot near you. I have high hopes for the pair. I only hope Ebren passes them for muster.

[to Toro]

Ya 'ta eh? Que no, hombre! 'tamos hablando!

martillo said...

So, Marcela, do you work or study?

marcela said...

both. permanently. for the moment. yourself?

hannibalbrooks said...

blueinbetis

Saint Etienne's cover version isn't on YouTube but there is a version by the chap who wrote it, accompanied by one of The Beatles, and it kind of has a pissed on a stay-behind/lock-in late night kind of feel about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruCXqULP_tc&mode=related&search=

muffledvoicefromcellar said...

That was a good chat-up line, martillo, no really, it was.

marcela said...

hannibal?!!

next thing we know Sir Oliver Reed's going to walk in the door claiming he beat Maradona to the ball and nutmegged himself before chipping it past Camus.

someone ask the dj to play something a little easier on the soul than macca and neil young SOOOOO past their prime.

is this like an english pub or is it possible to get a cup of coffee around here?

hannibalbrooks said...

I'm not precisely familiar with the oceanic wildlife in Tahiti but these are for Offside ... he said in a 'Whispering' Bob Harris kind of way ...

'Dolphins' and 'Song To The Siren' by Tim Buckley, the only word for which is ... sublime.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNtyStkHx40

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JAT859NotE&mode=related&search=

orsay said...

espresso? con leche? te gustaria churros? lo tenemos todo...


pssst, martillo, watch and learn.

guitougoal said...

I pass the smoking you do the talking.

guitougoal said...

por favor martillo,paga la luz.
Marilla.

hannibalbrooks said...

Van and Chet for Marcela ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxw98-SBhGo

marcela said...

the siren, the clowns... the churros. it's all too much. i dare not speak for fear of weeping in public.

can i just sit quietly in this corner with guitou and his gear?

offside said...

Hey, HB, really enjoyed the Tim Buckley clips. Haven't seen the dolphins in a while but the sirens are always around.

Marcela, here's your coffee.

That's my favourite hour. The effects of too many glasses of absinthe are wearing off, just a couple of regulars sitting quietly, enjoying the great tunes on the juke box, sharing a smoke for a smooth landing.

I expect the other regulars will come back soon, looking scruffy and demanding more coffee and croissants.

guitougoal said...

one night in march ella song the blues.

hannibalbrooks said...

More old favourites, Prince and his purple accoustic guitar are back on the Tube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAiTj3scoB8

guitougoal said...

H.B coincidence or indian sign, I was just listening "when doves cry" on itune.

Rovers said...

Stella Artois, por favor

rovers said...

Good stuff that Buckley tune, HB.. i'm more partial to his Lorca album... perfectly depressing music !

offside said...

Et une Stella, une!

Welcome, Rovers. Bit quiet at the moment. Have a seat.

guitougoal said...

alone again.....

marcela said...

ok.
far from trying to muscle in on hannibal's gig, i venture to offer another one of those exquisite little gems that one stumbles upon now and again -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCwME6Jpn3s

i'll have otro café before i nod off. or better still, while i nod off. hello rovers. wouldn't you rather have a quilmes?

rovers said...

that's true Marcela, but lately i've taken quite the shine to Stellas.. it keeps me in touch with my inner yob.... :0

Great link HB... anyone check out Song to the Siren?
Brillant!

guitougoal said...

Marcelle, are you talking about JennyHuston?

Rovers said...

Glancing my vintage Hamilton, I note that it is 12 am (EST). I must bid all adieu for the evening as I've got an early morning in just a few hours.

At the risk of being unoriginal, I wish to leave you with this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivS5wjwGbn8

I'm sure we'll be crossing paths again quite soon.

cheers

guitougoal said...

before you do check your email, the cd is on the making

honolulu said...

(stirring, stretching, rubbing eyes)

Whadimiss? Whassup? Nina. Good.

(surveying the damage)
(squinting at bullfighter in pink pants, rubbing eyes)

(looking for talking haggis, the spiritual guide)

(putting head back on table)

(asleep)

MotM said...

Yeah, yeah - I'm all right honest. They should have a warning on those cough sweets they really should.

Coffee yes please. Well how strong can you do?

Looks like it's been a good night in here - did I miss anything?

Seems I might have...

offside said...

(Offside comes out of the kitchen carrying a steaming pot of coffee - sets it down on the bar, which he starts wiping vigourously)

'morning mouth, si'down, make yourself at home, Ingrid had to take the rest of the night off. The others won't be long now. Croissant?

greengrass said...

(Greengrass enters, dishevelled, with
BlueDaddy in tow in a "Zola" vintage jersey and doing a fair imitation of the tower of Pisa. GG surveys the scene, tells BD):
I'm after the bugger who slipped my Nebuchadnezzar some o' them Viagra tablets. Ah've chased 'im through three parishes, up 'ill an' down dale. Ah finally found 'im cop-you-late-in wi' a vat o' fifteen-year-old malt at the Glendenning distillery - t' fire brigade's there now wi' weldin' gear, tryin' to cut 'im loose. They said they might - ah say might - be able to save 'im, but 'is member will stay in the vat. Waste of a good breedin' hound - Irish Wolfhound crossed wi' a Pit Bull Terry...
Blue Daddy: Four an' Twenty Virgins
Cam Doon... ...can some bugger tell me where that bloody stag night is? Now what the fuck's that?

greengrass said...

(BlueDaddy steps over Marcela and Andy, goes up to the bar and slurs to Offside):
Give us a pint of LaFrog, luv, an' I'll give yer a kiss!
(To GG, sotto voce) I'm glad you told me the barmaid's a tranny - she could've fooled me!
GG: Save mine in t'bottle, Fifi - I'm off to see a fireman about a dog.

offside said...

Greengrass! Come back here! Or leave if you must, but at least take that specimen with you. I'm not serving him. Don't you think it's bad enough that Ebren threatens to snog me every chance he gets? And now I have to deal with... this?

(Bleudaddy bends down to tie his shoe lace - knocks his head against the bar - crumples in a heap)

Ah, nevermind. (beat) Guitou! Guitou! Jaysus, who's gonna clean this mess?

Ebren said...

What's wrong with a little continental 'sophistication'.

Or aren't you man enough to handle it M. Offside?

Marcela - any of that coffee left, I have some sort of hangover.

Anyone know why I am dressed like this?

offside said...

Man enough? MAN ENOUGH? Jaysus, lad, it's not the snog I mind, but have you smelled your own breath?

Ebren said...

Coming from a Frenchman?

I thought you lot approved of the Garlic, coffee, onions combo?

I was trying to fit in....

offside said...

You may not remember what you were drinking last night but I can tell you it wasn't a garlic, coffee and onion cocktail... And what you did to that cat... that was... urgh.

Ebren said...

I may not remember what I did to the cat (although mimi assures me it had it coming) but I did find a photo on my phone of what you were doing with the turtle

la tortue said...

non non non non non

pas du tout

wrong kind of turtle altogether

now, I can't do that fancy stuff with links that you do, but here's a link to a picture of me.

http://www.reseau-tortues-marines.org/Chelonia-mydas-tortue-verte.html

As you can see, offside keeps me swimming in absinthe. Nothing to complain about from this turtle

kokomo said...

ok, get off the juke box everyone.

Now, altogether...

aruba, jamaica, ooh i wanna tak ya
to bermuda, bahama, come on pretty momma
Key largo, montego, baby why don't we go
down to kokomo
we''l get there fast and then we'll take it slow
that's where we wanna go
way down to kokomo....

i been in this town so long, that back in the city i've been taken for lost and gone for a long, long time...

Ok, i am punctuating my day with trips to the bar, to drunlenly recite beach boys songs to you all.

I am the bore that you all hate at the pub, and i don't careeee.... (cue johnny rotten snarl..)

MotM said...

They say I got brains, but they ain't doing me no good, I wish they could...

Time to breakaway... if not jump for joy.

kokomo said...

i had a dream that i could make it alone now but that's not me...

eat a lot, drink a lot, brush 'em like crazy...

when i weas a little bitty baby, my momma did rock me in the cradle, in those old, old, cotton fields back home.

MC Honkey said...

Dear Howard,
It recently came to my attention
That I did not win this year's free-style rap competition
True my feelings were hurt
But I'm okay

I've got three turntables and two microphones
Three turntables and two microphones

If you think I am not a broken man
You are sadly, sadly...
Wrong

Now Howard, I want to be magnanimous
I want to be a good loser
I am not a bitter man
This year's free-style rap competition
Doesn't mean a thing to me now
It's all in the past
But let's face it
You and I know
The whole world knows
That DJ whatshisname doesn't deserve that title
Let my people know that I will be back next year
And I'll have...

Four turntables and three microphones
Four turntables and three microphones
Four turntables and three microphones
Four turntables and three microphones

MotM said...

If she had a set of wings man, I swear she would fly.

I'm a leaf on a windy day

Hang on to your ego

As long as there are stars above you.

andrewm said...

Mc Honkey!

When's the next album coming out man? It's been too long.

greengrass said...

Greengrass returns, exclaims:

- Oh, Dog above!

He gazes, amazed, at Ebren and Offside furiously turtle-tickling - a sport to be featured at the next Olympics - and turns on his heel, only to gingerly step off it and say:

- The sight of this would turn Ingrid straight. I'll have to talk to Father Sean about this - no more banning parties for Greengrass, for sure...

And he mumbles off towards the Pearson Arms for a glass of Jennings Off Topic and a bratwurst.

pipita said...

Its lunch time over here. Ingrid, can I have a steak please?? Vuelta y vuelta. What?? No bife de chorizo!!?? Cant one have a decent meal in this taproom?? GG, any Astor on the Jukebox?? No?? Boy, Im getting home sick

Ebren said...

Pipita, you're going to have to settle for a bife ancho, some empanadas and a palmito salad on the side and churros to finish like the rest of us. Maybe a cheeky 2003 vintage Vicien Reserva to go with the meal. But that's it.

mimi said...

I've heard rumours that the Taproom will be serving again on Sunday. Any truth in this?

pipita said...

Ebren, okay I appreciate your efforts but the empanadas came across as being more a criollo version of yorkshire pudding than anything else...We've also got to do something about the bife ancho...its too gummy. Plus, when I mentioned these things to Ingrid, she got pretty touchy. She should try to understand that there are people from all over the globe here, with different gastronomic demands. Palmito salad was surprisingly good, and I'll bring in some dulce de leche for the churros next time

offside said...

**yaaaaaawn - stretch - scratchballs**

Is there any coffee left?

pipita said...

Offside

Think their's some left over from lunch. Re lunchtime, cant we have someone taking care of the jukebox when Hannibal's not around?? Didnt have any coins left, so Ingrid was kind enough to put a couple into the machine. Unfortuantely her selction of songs was not the most approprate for that hour of the day. First she selected Tom Jones's "Delilah" which was particularly disturbing, and then The Madness "Bed and Breakfast man" which was just a bit more up lifting

mimi said...

With a large yawn and wondering where the next absinthe is coming from, I've chucked the Triffids on the juke-box if anyone knows or cares. Lonely Stretch seems appropriate ...

offside said...

Yes, it's that time again. Everybody is out in the real pubs for now, but just you wait for the after hours...

mimi said...

Offside - if only but it's a work morning tomorrow, so I'll just have to ask you to set a few up for me whn I can come back.
So sad to go ...

pipita said...

Orsay, psssst, got any pakalolo????
May be early for you, but over here its the perfect moment to enjoy a bit of that stuff with some whisky and Coltrane's ballads on the jukebox

offside said...

pipita,

sure, should I just blow the smoke your way, shotgun style?

pipita said...

Orsay

Sure, fire away. Any special recommendation before I start
puffing that stuff???

offside said...

just sit down and disconnect the phone.

pipita said...

Orsay

Ive disconnected completely...Im feeling relaxed, but this fine groovy shit youve sent over isnt helping me figure out that bizarre quiz you sent over at Gu about scoring two goals without setting foot on the pitch, or something like that

guitougoal said...

hey, hey, hey, vait a minute zis is ze guy who last night,cleaned-up your bordel and called ze ambulance for ze poor Ingrid .Is she back to work?I like her beaucoup.
Don't forget to turn off ze light and to leave ze key under ze mat.You crazy peepole.

pipita said...

Guitou!!!!!!!

Want to share some of this pakalolo????

Ebren said...

Pipita - i do my best to make our Argies feel at home and you scorn my efforts.

No paakalolo for you!

offside said...

ah come on, Ebren, don't be like that, pipita's a bloody foreigner, he doesn't know any better. Pakalolo for everyone, it's my round.

pipita said...

Well Ebren, I had a real rough time chewing that bife ancho and eating em churros with no dulce de leche, so that tahitian stuff came in handy to ease things up a bit. Dont worry I'll order supplies of bife de lomo for the taproom. Oi Offside, no need to be abusive and pass the pakalolo, youve had quite enough

guitougoal said...

not again please, it's friday night got to take the dog to a movie...
pipita pakolo makes you melon going mango.

offside said...

pipita,

just checking if you were still awake... that stuff can send you to sleep if you're not careful.

guitou,

is that gg's dog you're taking to the movies? Does he know?

guitougoal said...

are you kidding, he is waiting by the door with his cap and sunglasses on.Not barking though just yapping.

guitougoal said...

pipita, hello, what is the story with Maradonna going to psycho-evaluation, don't they know already the guy is coockoo..?
I some some replay River vs Liga a lot of missed-opporunities. Are you frustrated with the draw? Reims was the team I was supposed to play for when I was 16 in Beauvais France.
their best team was with Kopa-Piantoni-Fontaine-
Vincent etc...their coach Batteux was the coach for France at the time, most of the team were international.

pipita said...

Offside

Yep, still here alive and kicking. Just picked up my eldest daughter from a 12 year old's party. The other parents were staring at me kind of strange. Must be the paka lolo hang-over showing in my face...Dozed off for a while and had these hallucinations that I was playing these one-two's with Marama in this five-a-side game

pipita said...

Guito

The reason why Im so heavily into this pakalolo stuff tonight has a lot to do with my miserable mood over River's latest performances. Last night was a slight improvement but not enough. Cant score goals anymore. Did you really get anywhere near playing for Reims youths??I followed them when they had Bianchi and Santamaria playing for them. As for Diego, Im pretty bored of his his ups and downs. Apparentlyy he is getting better

offside said...

pipitou, guitao,

I'm not old enough to have seen the great Reims but they were still in the top division when I started following football. I left the anorak in France but I remember Carlos Bianchi very well and I think he scored 38 goals in 38 games for Reims in the 76 or 77 season. Don't have the stats handy and my memory could be playing tricks on me. Could have been 34 or something like that, which is still amazing.

The French cup final that year was St-Etienne v Reims. 2-1 for the team in green.

pipita said...

Offsidinho, guitoao

Yeah, Bianchi was a goal-machine. To think I saw him play for velez in 1971 when I was a kid...Always scored against River, team he allegedly supported, then the bastard went on to coach Boca and won all these trophies with them

offside said...

pipinho,

can you do that? Support River and coach Boca to the title? Don't you get death threats?

Speaking of which, did you see the news about the supporters/gang leader that turned himself in in Argentina yesterday? Is that the guy Marcela wrote an article about a few months ago?

Did Bianchi play a season or two for PSG at the end of his career in France or is the paka playing tricks on me? Doesn't look good for Gallardo's new friends at the moment...

guitougoal said...

The Great Reims was 55-56, I was in high school and that when they played real Madrid in European cup a couple times .Early 60's I was playing with A, Beauvais, yes I could and wanted to play for Reims, I knew and played when I was a little kid with some guys who made it big with the pros.
But the problem was 1)my school in Beauvais and 2)my parents-
Later while in Paris I used to drive to Reims to watch them play until they crashed,once their sponsor and president Henri Germain passed away.they didn't have the ressources to compete anymore.

guitougoal said...

Offside, no you are perfectly right about Bianchi playing for PSG after Reims ,then he went to Argentina and came back in Reims few years later ,I think he retired as a Remois. (65).

offside said...

Guys! What are we doing? We're talking football, that's completely off topic! Put it away, greengrass will be back soon, he'll be mad as hell.

guitou,

which position did you play?

guitougoal said...

position:inter droit- you know Wenger stole the book from Batteux. Arsenal style of play is very similar to the Reims late fifties....They have the same problem too pretty...Real's Di Stefano, Gento,Puskas more athlectoc and realistic football.
We are of topic yes, but all the drunks are gone to bed.

offside said...

Well that shouldn't stop us from having a drink ourselves. I have a brand new bottle of amber rum from Hawaii but it's still a bit early for the hard stuff. I think I'll take a leaf out of andy's book and go for a shandy. Refreshing.

Arsenal 2000 - Reims 1960 would be quite a game but who stole the jersey from who?

offside said...

I'm still here to take orders by the way... Why do you all keep such strange hours?

chefoffside said...

Sunday roast, anyone?

pipita said...

Offside

Fine with me. I'll even accept the gravy and yorkshire pudding to go with it...And a bottle of Bordeauxlais in honor of Cavenaghi and the cup win

guitougoal said...

no april fish at the menu today?

mimi said...

Hi guys - I'm in now after a lovely sunny day down at the beach and harbour.
I've got a lot to celebrate tonight- 7 gold medals in Majorca including a triple for Queen of the Track Vicky Pendleton, and golds for local boy Chris Hoy and fab stuff from Bradley and Craig - another local boy. So nice to have a sport at which Team GB slaughters all-comers.
I think I'll have something fizzy, please Offside.

marcela said...

hi, mimi.
or have you left already? i see it's a good 3 hours since your first this evening. but i'm up for sipping slowly at the bar for a wee while...

mimi said...

Marcela: how nice to see you. Looks like it's a quiet night in here. What's your poison? I'm on the fizz cos I'm so excited about our performance in Majorca, but I know the others won't share my enthusiasm!

greengrass said...

Well - 'ello, Marbella luv! Ah see they've cleaned up in 'ere - 'asn't bin a neet like it sin Armistice Day!
No, ah won't 'ave one, luv, ah'm off to see a man about a virtual dog. If
t'vicar comes in, tell 'im to stop - ah'll be back soon. (Whispers) An' watch out fer that Froggy bloke...

marcela said...

glenmorangie. straight.
greengrass, just listening to a rather beautiful rendition of 'do not go gentle into that good night', which arrived yesterday.

really lovely in so many ways. your voice is particularly soothing. thank you so much.

mimi, is tura anywhere near you?

mimi said...

tura, jura they're all just islands to me - we're more mountains and rivers here. Is that the original Richard Burton reading of Do not go gentle that was mentioned?
We Welsh are quite good at that sort of thing you know.

marcela said...

i don't think it's richard burton. i think it's a certain blogger singer songwriter with a record number of bannings on GU and a scandinavian drink habit...

co author of this very blog entry as well as several songs on same cd.

i'm sure mouth can broker you a copy, mimi.

it's very nice!

so mimi, you lived in oxford when exactly?

mimi said...

Marcela, if I told you exactly when I lived in Oxford, I would reveal my age, and a lady never does that! However, most of my life has been far from ladylike! I was born and brought up in Oxford and started my professional career at OUP in the 1980s. Any more questions? From the crew?
And Marcela, I have been mystified by exactly where you write from? South America, or GU Towers?

mimi said...

And where's Offside? Hey - I saw he made a joke on a GU blog about 1 April and there's been a huge lack of fun. does anyone remember the Guardian spoof some years back of the island of San Serif?

marcela said...

i lived there for a while... that's why i ask.

mimi said...

Marcela - if you were there in the key years of 1979-1990, maybe we might have met?

offside said...

(Offside stumbles in, unsteady gait, puffy eyes, leans heavily against the bar)

Hi.

Need drink.

Hair of the greengrass' dog that bit me.

(leans over, steals Marcela's glass, sniffs)

Glenmorrangie? Aye, that'll do.

(downs glass)

Mimi, if you lend me ten pounds, I'll buy you a drink.

guitougoal said...

Hey, ladies, don't want to interrupt, just passing by, I am getting my sissy drink to go. Night everybody.

marcela said...

As for where i write from, i write from my home, which is very near GU towers but not quite in there, if you know what i mean.

a particular poignant moment in my blogging experience came when i read on a GU thread that GU were having their christmas party that evening.

it was a fun thread, so i was following it on and off with the screen open. later on that evening i looked out of my kitchen window - which is an unfussy square, a bit like a screen - and saw the GU lot in the pub accross the road. My local.

i refreshed the ol' mac screen, with a marlowesque squint. bluedaddy was making his local pub/other pub analogy. i looked up through the kitchen window, waved with a grin at few faces waving back, looked back down at the mac window... there i was, literally caught between two taprooms.

marcela said...

ahhh. les amis francaise qui vien a nous aider...

mimi said...

offside: I'm still waiting for someone to join me in cracking open the sparkly stuff to celebrate my boys and girls in Majorca, so if you're buying, then mine's a glass of the finest bubbly.
Marcela - I'm still none the wisest, and when were you in the old Oxenford?

guitougoal said...

offside Dubonnet cocktail to go please,Pour the dubonnet and the gin in a glass without ice cubes, you always put more ice than liquid.Ladies drinks are one me...here's the dow, keep the change.

marcela said...

september 1981 - summer 1985.

it's a fact our paths have crossed before. don't you think?

maybe we were both lying in the university parks when viv richards played there. or maybe i served you at the cherwell boathouse. you might have walked out of a film at the phoenix as i made my way into the 1.00 screenings.

maybe i unlocked my bike just as you walked out of an oxfam bookshop.

mimi said...

A cocktail to go? Are you not staying mon brave gitou? surely not scared of a haggis or ebren in his skirt?

offside said...

Allright, if you want to celebrate and guitou is buying, let's do things properly.

(offside springs to life and athletically leaps over the bar - lands on his feet - opens fridge doors - rummages around - clinking bottles sounds - sufaces holding two bottles and several glasses - arranges them on the bar - cork goes pop - starts pouring)

This is the simplest cocktail in the world. One third vodka, two thirds champagne. That's it. Chilled glasses but no fancy decorations. Mind you, has to be quality ingredients, if you use the cheap stuff, you end up with the mother of all hangovers.

Cheers

mimi said...

Marcela: you send shivers down my spine, as any of those things could have happened. I used to spend endless afternoons in the Parks, I had many a lunch at the Cherwell Boathouse and I went to the Phoenix most Monday nights for the 6pm screenings - only ever walked out once. Did you by any chance ever come to our music things at St Paul's - the old deconsecrated church opposite OUP or maybe the indie club I ran at the Jericho Tavern?

marcela said...

offside - i'l stay for a bit but only if you can supply with caffeine rather than champagne. as i think i've mentioned before - never.

mimi, i remember the music stuff at St paul's, but although i often went into the jericho tavern i have absolutely no recollection of anything that went on in there.

marcela said...

and gui - if you're buying. you're staying.

mimi said...

Marcela: have a latte - I've heard they're good here. As far as the Jericho Tavern is concerned rather awfully, although I ran the music for 6 months, I can remember little of it also!
Though we do have family history there - it's where my Mum proposed to my Dad!

Ebren said...

Dark blues springing up everywhere!

I shall be in Putney for the Boat Race next week, proudly sporting my light blue colours.

Anyone with me - or are you all over at the other place?

guitougoal said...

I am staying and I am sad to learn that you remember the Tavern rather than the st Paul church.Mimi, do you care for a Sazerac, Edgar Poe favorite,offside will join us that's for sure.

offside said...

Marcela, that's because you haven't tried my vodka-champagne combination. Go on, give it a try.

guitougoal said...

ebren,
if ir was still march ella will be singing the blues for you..
(2nd attempt)

mimi said...

ebren: enjoy your light blue - you deserve a win after the last few years pastings!
More champagne please Offside, like the cocktail, but you're not using the best Icelandic vodka there, that's what I expect. I have 7 gold medals to celebrate and that's gonna take a lot of drinks being bought for me!!

marcela said...

oit - no way mate. i ain't drinking. not now.
ebren. putney is not easy for me to get to. and the boat race is not something that would drag me there. in fact, wild horses would struggle.
if you're coming down from cambridge, you will be passing king's x and the GU location in the physical world?

we could schedule a taproom meeting to discuss new media, how blogging is shaping the representation of sport in contemporary culture, and plot a pr/advertising and distribution campaign for Pseud'sCorner.

gui my firend. i remember st paul's vividly. it's the jericho tavern that blurs into the other pubs, the other nights...

pipita said...

Mimi

Me too lived in Oxford, especially during the 1987-93 period. Woodstock Rd, Abingdon Rd, Jericho near OUP, North Oxford near the parks...So pretty much around those same places you used to frequent. Surely our paths crossed at some point during those years...

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