The England dressing-room was swept for bugs after the last disastrous leak, but being cricketers and not artists, no-one realised that the telephone with a lobster on top was in fact a top-level MI5 listening device. Much to our joy we are again able to bring you Michael Vaughan's between innings team talk.
OK you lot. Straussy has been using his time wisely, he's found the GUSportsblog - yeah, I don't know what this is either Colly, but seems like it's pretty important. A bunch of people write things about us, and he's picked this one, which really hurts: those tossers back in England reckon that we're "second-class chokers". Now I don't know how that makes you lot feel, but I'm fucking gutted. Obviously we're here to win, but if we can't win, then sod this being best of the fucking rest. We'll make it our business to be first-class fucking chokers like the Saffers - not you Kevin.
Not the best of starts, really - in fact a pretty piss-poor display from the top order.
And well done Ed! You led the fucking way. Whose side are you on, for fuck's sake? When I said that I wanted to see the Irish lads' stumps hit, I didn't mean yours. KP wasn't like this against the Saffers last year eh Kev? Well don't sulk Ed - not yet anyway.
Now before any of you say anything, let me remind you that I'm not in the team for my batting. Being caught behind is just something that happens when the bowling's too damn good - and that clubby was really good. And I'm going to sue the BBC for that photo Straussy's just found on their fucking website - who's representing Kate Middleton?
Ian: I feel for you, I really do. A shocking decision - I could see the daylight between bat and ball from here, without the binoculars. But honestly I don't know what to do about you - you used to hit bowlers like this all round those club grounds in Birmingham when you were 12. And that was poor, Kevin, to appeal like that. It doesn't look good, especially as your own performance left a lot to be desired. 48 is a fucking disgrace - you were supposed to have studied the Hayden tapes. And you know you're in my fantasy team.
Fred, Fred, Fred: I'm lost for words. This was your chance, your big fucking chance of redemption, and it didn't go well, did it? You'd better bowl your little pink heart out now, boy, or that's your career down the fucking Swannee.
Colly: damn fine batting. Fuck, if the rest of you could bat as well as Paul I'd be less likely to be bald by the end of this tournament.And I've more than that in common with Punter before you start.
Badge: fucking ace bit of mind-twisting there in the 47th. We all know Porterfield fancies himself as a shit-hot fielder, so nice stuff - with any luck that'll rock'em a bit before they start batting. Shame about the Morgan catch, but now maybe you'll all learn something from seeing him field. How many runs did he save in the final power-play? Yep at least 20.
What's that Ravi? Sorry - didn't notice. I was talking to Athers about tomorrow's fishing. What did you get?
OK you lot, go and do something for 10 mins, I don't care what. I've got a packet of madeleines to eat.
At the end of the match, we caught up with just a few brief words that the England Captain had for his troops - and we are finding it increasingly hard to believe that they haven't busted us yet. It's almost as though Michael WANTS us to publish his briefings
Right, you lot, settle down now: that was good, but not that good. Two early wickets against Ireland is not like getting the Punter and Haydos out fast, is it?
Ed: that drop in the 11th was an absolute shocker. Bloody square leg, all you had to do was catch the fucking ball. I'm not at all pleased with you, and I hope, I just fucking hope, that we're not going to find any Aussies or Kiwis in your family heritage because I don't know if I can trust you any more. Straussy - I hope you're feeling good - I'll have to persuade Duncan, but I'm looking at you for next time out.
Ravi: I like you - you watched those bloody run-out tapes, didn't you? It was ridiculous to have your throw referred and a nonsense that we didn't get that wicket. Do you bowl at all?
Now you bowling boys: did you actually see what I did to Niall? Yeah, ball in flight, line and length, it was beautiful, wasn't it? Straussy - get it on that youtube thing and get the number of views up to triple figures will you? See that Colly? That's how to bowl if you're a batsman who bowls. Look and learn - your time will come.
But I have to ask the question, why the fuck is it all left up to me? I've fielded like a demon and bowled like a professional, and what the fuck have you lot done?
Apart from you, obviously Monty: neat and tidy, kept it clean and tight and 2 fucking wickets. I love you and so do both the England fans in the crowd.
Fred - I liked it at the end and I bet Botham did up in the box. One more wicket and you would have had to buy a jug - for us obviously, not you.
Get on the bus now - it's late and you're all up early in the nets tomorrow.