Another dispatch from a young lady in the West Indies, as told to our reporter Zephirine
"We're in Guyana now right and we have to go to the cricket because Gavin insists and he's paying right and Alisha wants to keep him happy cos she wants them to get married which is sensible yeah cos her horse Darcy is very expensive to keep up.
"It's England v Ireland yeah though quite a lot of the Irish are Australians and one of our blokes is Irish and both sides have got a South African so like that's cricket for you. Gavin tries explaining to us about the Super Eights right and after about ten minutes of two points from the first round and who's seeded from what yeah I lose the will to live so I'm like, what you're telling me is the ones that lose go out yeah and in the end somebody wins. Duh. So at first me and Alisha are talking about shoes yeah while Gavin's making like expert comments on the game to this seriously wanky bloke he's made friends with.
"Our Irish one gets out straightaway so like he doesn't have to battle his divided loyalties for long lol. Then our captain gets out too and Gavin looks for a moment like he's going to cry right so Alisha and I keep quiet cos you have to respect people's pain. And we start to think, suppose England lose this right what is going to happen to like national self-esteem yeah and will we still be able to tell Irish jokes?
"So hopes are pinned on KP yeah who's like our cricket king of bling and does lots of adverts. Gavin's wanky mate who is some kind of media person right with stupid glasses and a bit of a fondness for the old nose candy if you know what I mean is going on about establishing momentum right but it seems to me yeah, it would help if our lot could just play cricket a bit better. Call me naïve lol.
"After a bit it seems that English people are able to breathe again yeah but no, KP is out and then here comes Freddie right doing like, I'm big and tough and professional yeah, funny last time we saw him he was propping up the bar in Saint Lucia burbling on about how beautiful his kids are yawn yawn. He's supposed to be off the sauce now right after being exposed in the papers by certain people so you could say Alisha and me have done a service to English cricket. He does OK yeah but now the whole thing gets to be quite frankly pretty boring right but I'm sort of beginning to see that it's all about hanging in there yeah, and then Collingwood who is like a gritty northerner right plays very well in gritty northerner stylee and we end up not too bad.
"So in the break I'm chatting to this quite cute Aussie guy from the row behind us yeah and his view is that cricket is like a microcosm of life right. So I'm like, you mean it goes on and on and on and then in the end you give up and die. And he says no it's like a test of character so I'm like, what, to play or to watch? Lol. But he tells me about Shane Warne who makes strong batsmen cry yeah and then he says it's all about courage in adversity and mental domination right and one false move and the tide of a match can turn and I can see that like Gavin's keen on cricket but this guy is like religious.
"So all through the second half right I stay there and watch the microcosm of life yeah while Alisha goes to sleep and Gavin and Media Prat have one of those endless bloke conversations which sound friendly but are all scoring points off each other yeah you know the kind. But mental domination right well I'd say hard to spot yeah all I can really see is like slow grinding kind of grind and we almost don't win but in the end we do.
"So it seems there's like a mystery in cricket somewhere right which has a deep effect on people yeah but so far I haven't like had this revealed to me by the England team. The cute Aussie guy says this is quite natural and I have to see Australia play yeah and then I'll understand everything."