Saturday, March 31, 2007

Microcosm of Life - Zephirine

Another dispatch from a young lady in the West Indies, as told to our reporter Zephirine

"We're in Guyana now right and we have to go to the cricket because Gavin insists and he's paying right and Alisha wants to keep him happy cos she wants them to get married which is sensible yeah cos her horse Darcy is very expensive to keep up.

"It's England v Ireland yeah though quite a lot of the Irish are Australians and one of our blokes is Irish and both sides have got a South African so like that's cricket for you. Gavin tries explaining to us about the Super Eights right and after about ten minutes of two points from the first round and who's seeded from what yeah I lose the will to live so I'm like, what you're telling me is the ones that lose go out yeah and in the end somebody wins. Duh. So at first me and Alisha are talking about shoes yeah while Gavin's making like expert comments on the game to this seriously wanky bloke he's made friends with.

"Our Irish one gets out straightaway so like he doesn't have to battle his divided loyalties for long lol. Then our captain gets out too and Gavin looks for a moment like he's going to cry right so Alisha and I keep quiet cos you have to respect people's pain. And we start to think, suppose England lose this right what is going to happen to like national self-esteem yeah and will we still be able to tell Irish jokes?

"So hopes are pinned on KP yeah who's like our cricket king of bling and does lots of adverts. Gavin's wanky mate who is some kind of media person right with stupid glasses and a bit of a fondness for the old nose candy if you know what I mean is going on about establishing momentum right but it seems to me yeah, it would help if our lot could just play cricket a bit better. Call me naïve lol.

"After a bit it seems that English people are able to breathe again yeah but no, KP is out and then here comes Freddie right doing like, I'm big and tough and professional yeah, funny last time we saw him he was propping up the bar in Saint Lucia burbling on about how beautiful his kids are yawn yawn. He's supposed to be off the sauce now right after being exposed in the papers by certain people so you could say Alisha and me have done a service to English cricket. He does OK yeah but now the whole thing gets to be quite frankly pretty boring right but I'm sort of beginning to see that it's all about hanging in there yeah, and then Collingwood who is like a gritty northerner right plays very well in gritty northerner stylee and we end up not too bad.

"So in the break I'm chatting to this quite cute Aussie guy from the row behind us yeah and his view is that cricket is like a microcosm of life right. So I'm like, you mean it goes on and on and on and then in the end you give up and die. And he says no it's like a test of character so I'm like, what, to play or to watch? Lol. But he tells me about Shane Warne who makes strong batsmen cry yeah and then he says it's all about courage in adversity and mental domination right and one false move and the tide of a match can turn and I can see that like Gavin's keen on cricket but this guy is like religious.

"So all through the second half right I stay there and watch the microcosm of life yeah while Alisha goes to sleep and Gavin and Media Prat have one of those endless bloke conversations which sound friendly but are all scoring points off each other yeah you know the kind. But mental domination right well I'd say hard to spot yeah all I can really see is like slow grinding kind of grind and we almost don't win but in the end we do.

"So it seems there's like a mystery in cricket somewhere right which has a deep effect on people yeah but so far I haven't like had this revealed to me by the England team. The cute Aussie guy says this is quite natural and I have to see Australia play yeah and then I'll understand everything."


greengrass said...

Zeph -
yeah. Right. Yeah.

offside said...


greengrass said...

This was an even more pleasant read the second time around.

I particularly enjoyed your description of Gavin's reaction when his captain - surely a father-figure - fell.

Gavin is obviously a well-rounded young man, not afraid of showing his feelings, and the way you gels respected his sorrow is a credit to you both.

Spot on!


offside said...

Well, look at it this way, Zeph, you have at least two fans. And they'll take turn adding one comment each until you reach the hundred mark.

I think we'll call it the Franco-Swedish Zeph Appreciation Society (FSZAS)

greengrass said...

Offside -
I know for a fact that Zeph has oodles of fans out there.

Loads of the lads were ogling her in the taproom - Andy was feverishly adjusting his sporran, Ebren cunningly feigned drunkenness and hit the deck in an attempt to look up her skirt, and Ingrid was halfway across the bar as soon as Zeph came in through the door.

I think most of the crowd are suffering from McClarenitis, so it'll probably be just me and thee
there tonight. We'll be able to enjoy a quiet natter about speleological linguistics - unless,
of course, the history crowd turn up (Crutch got a hat-trick)...


MotM said...

Gr8 2 hear frm Alisha and Chantelle again.

I'm afraid I have their voices going through my mind every time the cameras pan on to the "crowds" - which is very good as it stops me cursing the ICC!

Any truth in the rumours about Jamie D and Gavin being spotted discussing opportunities in The City over a Red Stripe?

offside said...


I know, I tried a gallicly athletic move myself but somehow ended up flat on my face. Musta tripped on a haggis, like.

What can I say? She talks about cricket in a way that I can understand. I like that in a woman.

Zeph said...

Offside, greengrass - I'm blushing...

(I'm also waiting for the day when some footie person explains to me why people still say Peter Crouch can't really do it? Isn't it supposed to be all about, erm, scoring goals?)

MotM - Gavin is in futures. I'm sure he could find something for Jamie D.

Ebren said...

Zeph - as a part time footy person myself, it's quite easy to explain whe Peter Crouch can't really do it.

Put simply - he doesn't look like a footballer.

We're not going to respect some gangly, over-tall, under-weight person with a big nose because he looks silly.

And even though he's Really Tall, he can't head the ball well.

The fact his game is not and has never been about his aerial ability has not stopped almost every single Football Person being obsessed about his height and playing to his weakness rather than feeding the ball to his feet.

So he doesn't look good, and if someone that tall can't head then he really can't be very good, can he?

Touching piece. From the mouths of babes eh?

Zeph said...

Ebren - yes, he also appears to have a sense of humour. Altogether much too odd!

mimi said...

Zepph: great to have the girls back in action. I wonder who Gav's medja type chum could be?

munni said...

Zephirine, very entertaining read, I enjoyed it.

The problem with Crouch is he's a one-trick pony, and, as a complete footballer, leaves a lot to be desired. As his one trick is scoring loads of goals, though, it makes it a bit difficult to argue that he can't really do it.

I haven't been here in weeks and I hope it's alright that I'm crashing the party.

offside said...


you might as well crash it properly. Step into the taproom!

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