Once more Pseudscorner is able to bring you a transcript of Michael Vaughan's team briefing prior to England's World Cup match vs Ireland.
Pre-match team talk Thurs 29 March
Right lads, settle down and let's make this as painful, sorry painless, as possible.
It's not been a bad week - none of you did a Vincent, all wrists intact - stop sniggering Straussy, your job is to drive the Powerpoint. Liam will show you how when he puts down that Gameboy - yes I know and I don't care if it is the only"driving" he does these days (muffled laughter).
Ravi - put the paper down. Christ - how did you get a copy of the Daily Star round here? I fucking hope there's nothing in there about the water polo in the hotel pool last night. No? Good.
Down to business. We're up against the Irish tomorrow - that's all of us not just Straussy vs Ed Ha Ha! Anyone remember what happened last time we went head to head with them? Come on Fred 12-10-8 vs those two students you met in that Irish pub in Sydney doesn't count and you know you're off the Guinness if you want that contract renewing.
I don't know quite yet what I'll choose when I win the toss, but what I do know is that we'll never get anywhere without a solid opening batting performance and that's why you're all going to take a very close look at Matthew Hayden - yeah, I don't care whether you like the bugger or not, that's not the point. He bats, and bats well. For fuck's sake, you've had enough chances to study him close up and still none of you have learned.
Remember, runs win matches, I know, I know, you think that sounds simple, but let's face it you bastards, none of you have put us in that sort of position yet, have you?
Colly: I'm putting you in charge of run-outs - oh for fuck's sake you lot, you know perfectly well what I mean. Bell, you're hardly in a position to make jokes about run-outs are you? No - so all of you can stay behind with Paul and watch the Ponting videos, yeah yeah, that's Old Trafford and Tuesday afternoon, until you understand exactly what throwing the wicket down means.
Right here are Ireland's danger men and a youtube clip of the Irish beating Pakistan (sound of laptop being repeatedly hit). Straussy - you're keeping track of cricinfo news, what's up with youtube? Oh thank you ICC, thanks a bundle. Bunch of clowns.
So that's the batting and fielding - what's that Kevin? Catching? Surely to god I don't have to go over that again? You watch the ball, put your hands together and catch the bastard. It's not rocket science.
Moving on, we need bowling plans, and boy do we have them!
Jimmy, Jimmy: leave your hair alone for a minute will you - I've taken one mirror off you already, and I'll have that one as well. You're opening and you know what that means? Yeah taking wickets and I want more than just 2 this time - and you, Gloucester boy, yeah, Jon - don't get all excited. I want you to talk to Jimmy about swing bowling okay? Not your fucking hairstyles.
Liam: you're on at the other end and I want no wides from you Wideboy. All right Colly, it wasn't that funny. I've already said you'll be skippering when I rest my knee, so make sure your Dad's charged up his camcorder, but I'll shout from the balcony if anything needs doing. Just don't ask Fred okay?
Fred: first change as usual, and you'll be having an especially early night tonight and then it's over to Monty and Colly while I've got my feet up and those Aussies, sorry Irish, milk it for three an over.
Ravi: when the Irish lads are eight down, get warmed up for your go and in the mean time field near me and run like fuck after the ball - yeah the white round thing - once it goes past me.
OK, that's it. We'll have a debrief after the first innings, and I hope, I just fucking hope that it won't be a repeat ofthe last half-time talk. Now get to your jobs, and remember - I have faith in you all (aside to Collingwood - well some fucker has to ...)
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12 comments:
Possibly best one yet, esp last four paras.
I cant believe they keep letting these tapes get away.
thankyou mimitig
as insightful as ever
your words a pleasure
If this haiku thing
don't stop immediately
I shall lose me lunch
mouth of the mersey
I ask your forgiveness for
omitting credit
mouth and mimitig
I beg your forgiveness for
vomitting forthwith
Right that is enough
Stop with the haiku bollocks
And write properly.
Very nice Mimi and Mouth. I wonder if Mr Vaughan can write haiku?
All those haikus
Have hurt my brain
Now I can speak just
Chinese proverbs
And here's the one Vaughanie should have thought of:
The way is steep and dangerous. One should always seal one's letters.
It is so simple
to imagine uniquely
Like opening eyes
But a danger lurks
for when the door is unlatched
unknowns lie within
It can be lonely
when you realise your strength
Friends often retreat
Understanding love
A lost secret imprisoned
Fight thought addiction
Eventually
A new circle visible
surrounding your life
Community grows
with new sisters and brothers
mutual respect
Its easy you see
like one two three A B C
First respect your self
That is my first stab at a haiku. It's like an alphabet Sudoku. My first and last. I promise.
nesta: you should be asleep! Are you staying up in the hope of some ace bowling from my favourite librarian: little Daniel?
It's almost midnight Mim. The Cricket World Cup only comes around quadrennially. That's hard to spell and along time between drinks. It's the only one day tournament that we Aussies take seriously. In between, all matches are essentially friendlies.
Lara's exquiteness last night caused a serotonin flood within me. His batting literally changed my body chemistry! I want to feel that again. I think I may be becoming addicted to fluidity, grace and style.
As for Daniel. I disrespect all authority and that includes book nazis like him.
Thank Dog them haikus
seem to be buried now, oh -
bugger! Another!
GG
I can't be arsed
to google haiku
Serbian proverbs rule
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