Once more Pseudscorner is able to bring you a transcript of Michael Vaughan's team briefing prior to England's World Cup match vs Ireland.
Pre-match team talk Thurs 29 March
Right lads, settle down and let's make this as painful, sorry painless, as possible.
It's not been a bad week - none of you did a Vincent, all wrists intact - stop sniggering Straussy, your job is to drive the Powerpoint. Liam will show you how when he puts down that Gameboy - yes I know and I don't care if it is the only"driving" he does these days (muffled laughter).
Ravi - put the paper down. Christ - how did you get a copy of the Daily Star round here? I fucking hope there's nothing in there about the water polo in the hotel pool last night. No? Good.
Down to business. We're up against the Irish tomorrow - that's all of us not just Straussy vs Ed Ha Ha! Anyone remember what happened last time we went head to head with them? Come on Fred 12-10-8 vs those two students you met in that Irish pub in Sydney doesn't count and you know you're off the Guinness if you want that contract renewing.
I don't know quite yet what I'll choose when I win the toss, but what I do know is that we'll never get anywhere without a solid opening batting performance and that's why you're all going to take a very close look at Matthew Hayden - yeah, I don't care whether you like the bugger or not, that's not the point. He bats, and bats well. For fuck's sake, you've had enough chances to study him close up and still none of you have learned.
Remember, runs win matches, I know, I know, you think that sounds simple, but let's face it you bastards, none of you have put us in that sort of position yet, have you?
Colly: I'm putting you in charge of run-outs - oh for fuck's sake you lot, you know perfectly well what I mean. Bell, you're hardly in a position to make jokes about run-outs are you? No - so all of you can stay behind with Paul and watch the Ponting videos, yeah yeah, that's Old Trafford and Tuesday afternoon, until you understand exactly what throwing the wicket down means.
Right here are Ireland's danger men and a youtube clip of the Irish beating Pakistan (sound of laptop being repeatedly hit). Straussy - you're keeping track of cricinfo news, what's up with youtube? Oh thank you ICC, thanks a bundle. Bunch of clowns.
So that's the batting and fielding - what's that Kevin? Catching? Surely to god I don't have to go over that again? You watch the ball, put your hands together and catch the bastard. It's not rocket science.
Moving on, we need bowling plans, and boy do we have them!
Jimmy, Jimmy: leave your hair alone for a minute will you - I've taken one mirror off you already, and I'll have that one as well. You're opening and you know what that means? Yeah taking wickets and I want more than just 2 this time - and you, Gloucester boy, yeah, Jon - don't get all excited. I want you to talk to Jimmy about swing bowling okay? Not your fucking hairstyles.
Liam: you're on at the other end and I want no wides from you Wideboy. All right Colly, it wasn't that funny. I've already said you'll be skippering when I rest my knee, so make sure your Dad's charged up his camcorder, but I'll shout from the balcony if anything needs doing. Just don't ask Fred okay?
Fred: first change as usual, and you'll be having an especially early night tonight and then it's over to Monty and Colly while I've got my feet up and those Aussies, sorry Irish, milk it for three an over.
Ravi: when the Irish lads are eight down, get warmed up for your go and in the mean time field near me and run like fuck after the ball - yeah the white round thing - once it goes past me.
OK, that's it. We'll have a debrief after the first innings, and I hope, I just fucking hope that it won't be a repeat ofthe last half-time talk. Now get to your jobs, and remember - I have faith in you all (aside to Collingwood - well some fucker has to ...)