Parental advisory sticker for those of a delicate disposition
In the Dressing Room
For some inexplicable reason, even after all the latest fiascos surrounding the England Team, no-one thought to check the dressing room, and yet again, a tape of the Captain's Debrief has found its way into the hands of unfriendly parties.
Michael Vaughan: Right. Duncan's gone back to the hotel already, so there's no use looking to cry on his shoulder. This is between US now, and Jesus Christ al-fucking-mighty. What the hell did you think you were doing out there?
I've seen better fielding from a bunch of under-fives.
KP: you came fucking close to dropping the Ashes in 2005, if you carry on like this, it'll be over the chair and not just a cane across your prize-winning arse.
Ian, while I was away, I was told you'd learned how to catch - bloody fuck. That was appalling - did you count how many runs we've got to add due to your incompetence?
Fred: well-tried, but I'll need a lot more from you with the bat.
Jimmy: 2 wickets may be acceptable from Paul - he's not even a bowler, but not a single bloody maiden from you, so don't get cocky, and for Christ's sake, stop looking in Ed's mirror. I'm confiscating that NOW.
Colly: thank Christ I've someone around to back me up. In case none of you noticed, I have a dodgy knee, am a hundred years older than most of you, and still managed to catch and run-out half the bloody Kenyans.
Right: I've only got 5 minutes now to calm down with a bit of Proust. You lot go off and bloody meditate or something. Anything, fuck knows, but get ready to post a massive first 10 over stand.
After the England innings, mysteriously the recorder was still running and we're now able to bring you the words of a very disappointed England Captain.
MV: Bell, I can't even bring myself to call you Ian any more. You are a disgrace. You have been a fucking master-class in soft dismissals. What the hell did you think you were doing? Please god don't tell me you were trying because if that's your pitiful attempt at a try, you'd be better off in a field somewhere in Wales.
Now I know you lot will think that I got out too early, but that was always my plan. I can't expect you bunch of whining pansies to understand but a captain has to see what's going on in the park, and I can't be expected to bloody work out your weaknesses unless I'm sitting on the balcony.
OK Ed - yes I do remember your name, you fucking ponce. I called you James for a joke, for christ's sake. Well, you were OK. 75 wasn't the big ton I asked for, and you're going to have to get some muscle in your strokes if we're to make the power-plays work for us. And yes, stop laughing all of you - I do know the difference between cricket and NHL power-plays. What do you think I've been fucking doing for the past year?
KP - I'll tell Duncan to hold off the caning for now, but don't get too fucking sure of your self. I'm thinking of moving you up the order next match, so I want you out in the nets, tomorrow, and that means early.
Colly - nice work Paul. I knew, I just knew that there would be one member of the team who would listen to me and do what they were fucking told. It may only have been 18, but you followed the plan.
Now the rest of you lot: don't think you're off the fucking hook here, just because we've scraped through to the Super 8s.
I've got the DVDs in the hotel lobby for you tonight - It's Only Fools and Horses boxed sets all round, so stay in your fucking rooms and watch them.
I'll be watching you every fucking step of the way until the 30th, so keep your noses clean - and no, I don't mean in that way, Fred you arsehole - and don't give those fucking tabloids any reason to get on our case.
Get on the bus now - and for fuck's sake that means NOW!