South Africa defeat, the aftermath - mimitig and MouthoftheMersey

Tape from the England dressing room after the most miserable performance that any of us can remember for a very long time.

In an inspired move, Mouth of the Mersey and Mimitig flew to Barbados and personally concealed a selection of very very special listening and video devices within the hallowed sanctum. So for your pleasure, right now, we can bring you the latest report from England's meretricious command headquarters.

(from the hidden camera we see Michael Vaughan slamming the dressing-room door, collapsing into the nearest chair and holding his head in his hands ... the team enters)

MV: oh my fucking Christ! What has just happened? Is anyone here going to help me with a way to find some fucking positive to take from this? I'm gonna have to spend the next 3 days talking to the fucking wankers from the press, and you lot had better have some answers for me. Personally, I think that was a pile of steaming horse manure and I don't know what any of you thought you were doing. You didn't follow the plan, you didn't have a plan B and basically I don't know what the fuck you expect any of us in the management to do when none of you can do what you're told.

I've done my fucking best with you - yes, OK, I've been out of form, but what do you expect? I haven't fucking played the amount you lot have. I've been here to guide you, and what have you done? Absolutely bloody fuck all. I'm done with you, I really am - sort out the mess amongst yourselves. I'm off to watch my boxed set of Dr Who - at least that's more like real life than hanging around with you lot.

(Vaughan is seen on the tape grabbing his kit bag and lurching out of the dressing-room, favouring his better knee whistling this... the remaining team members, white and trembling, turn to talk to their neighbours ...)

Fred (to KP): mate, you know, you and me, we're supposed to be the backbone of this team, what went on with you today? I thought we'd agreed, you'd bat like a good'un, get us to a really good place and I could forget the batting thing and just go in second time round and bowl the buggers out.

KP: yah, well, Fred, it's just not that easy for me. I thought Belly and Strauss would give me a bit of a start, y'know, but that didn't happen and bluddy Smith, and that Afrikaans bastard kept having a go. They bring up all the stuff from school - everyone thinks I'm a haard man of the veldt, y'know, but when they taunt me about how I didn't kill that lion in the playground, man, it hurts, y'know, it really hurts.

Fred: that's feeble. When I was a kid, I had to kill the beast of Bodmin (aside to Strauss - Kev'll never realise that Cornwall's not near Lancashire, will he?). Playground taunts are nothing. You're a loser Kev.

Strauss: addressing the shaken horde.

Look guys, this isn't all bad. I've been out of the side for most of this, but I came in today and top-scored. You see, what they say is true, class is permanent, form is temporary. Some of you have been OK today - well, one of you: step forward Ravi. We're going to be looking for a big, big change in this one day side and not many of you have impressed me - but this summer there are going to be chances. As you know, I've spent most of the last six weeks studying stats on Cricinfo, and with what you lot have been doing, it makes for interesting reading. I'll be expecting written reports from all of you, on my desk by the end of the day tomorrow. You can attempt to justify your places in my side later this year. Colly: as a special task, you can do the report on Michael as well as your own.

There's going to be a LOT of changes round here, and one thing I will make clear, right here, right now. There's to be no more use of bad language and profanity. That era is over.

Right - get to work, and if anyone is late with their homework, I'll be setting detentions and I have a pros.. sorry friend, on hand to administer further punishment with whips.

(the video catches a final picture of Strauss looking extremely pleased with himself as he turns away and the audio feed becomes fuzzy and hissy as the assembled ranks all start talking together)

Tape ends