The Pakalolo Tavern is empty with the exception of a defrocked vicar, a hungover Greengrass and his formerly well-hung hound. The hound is wearing a bewildered expression and an oversize bandage around what was, until recently, its oversized hindquarters. Prior to imbibing yet another pint of Fernet Branca, Greengrass leans over to have a word in the vicar's ear:
- A word in your ear, vicar. Ingrid sez to me, she sez that this place were teemin' wi' foreigners all bloody neet!
- My good fellow, your language, please!
- Teemin' wi' 'em, it were - like flies round cow... ...muck. It were that froggy bloke fetched 'em in - 'im wi' t' Tarzan gear on 'im. They come from all over t'show, she sez -Argentina, Froggyland, Scotland... ... there were even one reet bonny lass wi' a funny name - Marbella or summat. T'pubs never shut where they come from, tha knows - life is one eternal lock-in. Done for my dog, they did, wi' their performance-enhancing pills. 'e's never performed better in his life, an' 'e'll never perform again. Ah were thinkin' o' matin' 'im wi' Ingrid's chihuahua - quiet, Nebuchadnezzar, lad! - but...
- He will be in my prayers, of that you may be assured. Should we get down to business? I've written this - eh - "rap" poem that I'd like us to recite at next Sunday's service. The verger's son has promised to provide us with some "beats", as he calls them, and I think it will be just the thing to attract more young people to our church. Here is your copy!
The vicar hands Greengrass a sheet of paper, stands up, and starts reciting - only to break off after a few lines.
- Greengrass, you're supposed to take part! I'd really appreciate it if you would stand up, move around, point at the flock now and then, and join in at the end of every line - defrocked, dead shocked, half-cocked, head-knocked, etcetera. Make an effort, man!
At this moment, a scantily-clad man with a French appearance enters and shambles to the bar. Greengrass leans over to whisper a word in the vicar's ear.
- A word in your ear, vicar. That's 'im!
Offside goes straight behind the bar and starts pulling himself a pint of the black stuff.
-Hi Greengrass, how's it going? Ingrid still off, is she? Oh, hello, vicar.
Greengrass looks askance at the intruder.
- My lad Ingrid sez 'e'll be back as soon as she gets out o' t'clinic.
Offside saunters o ver to the juke-box and chooses 'Je te pogue, moi non plus', sung by Jane McGowan. The vicar eyes Offside's attire. The cream rises. Offside fixes the vicar with an icy stare.
- Tell me, vicar, you wouldn't be from the London Missionary Society by any chance?
- Why?
- Well, if you were, I might want to have a word with you about your fellow priests' actions in the South Pacific a couple of centuries ago. Like, why would you tell people who live in a hot climate that they have to cover themselves for the sake of decency, or why tell them they should stop rolling around in the grass all day and get to work, you know, stuff like that...
A panicked expression creeps across the vicar's face. Pint in hand, Offside walks across and finds himself a stool. He sits next to the vicar and slaps him on the back.
- Just kidding, vicar, just kidding. I know you'd nothing to do with it yourself. Hey Greengrass, I heard a good one today, listen to this. In a game of football, how can a player score two goals without setting foot on the pitch?
Greengrass and the vicar exchange a look of disbelief.
- It's impossible, says Greengrass
- Maybe, divine intervention...
- No, no, none of that crap. Just a normal football game, and well, ok, a slightly unusual set of circumstances...
Offside stops dead. He's suddenly spotted the dog and now stares at the beast, wide-eyed.
- Jaysus, Greengrass, is that a hyena?
Greengrass fixes Offside with any icy stare (n.b. not the same one that Offside used earlier).
- No, it's not. And that's a good thing fer thee, cos (eyes Offside's loincloth) them 'yenas eats dead meat.
A sound is heard from outside.
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351 comments:
1 – 200 of 351 Newer› Newest»Hi guys: oh jesus flaming christ, what is that thing?
Sorry Padre, didn't realise there was a man of the cloth here. Pardon me french.
Offside - are you still doing those vodka cocktails?
Is the footy on? Or the Cricket?
I hear Girlo has put AC Liverpool ahead.
GG -you appear to have a de-frocked minister on your hyena...
Talk about wanting a dog-collar...
I promise to finess my gags better next time.
That was one of the most ill concieved one liners since Kate Moss looked up from the table to see a bloke with a mobile pointed at her.
- We did 'ave the telly on, but as soon as they showed a close-up of Gerrard it conked out.
no, no, no on my french petit chien's soul, i won't be part of this.What kind of drink i want? I don't care any
drink'll do, croutchy "queue de billard" just scored a third one.
- Well, well - Fishcake will be pleased. Four goals in one week: Crouch is really growing in stature.
Greengrass,
that is very poor.
do you think that is his real name, or just what the kids said to him at school.
Peter "crouch!"
?
blue: I think that was a bit mean. Smacks of bullying in the playground to me!
What has happened to that dog?
There is a serious point to be made here.
Is Crouch the vainest player in the Prem?
For years won't go neart anything in the air with any conviction, then he get his nose broken and thinks: "Fuck it. I may as well score some headers if I'm going to get my beak busted regardless..."
(offside rearranges his loincloth)
Can Fishcake come in here? She's underage, isn't she?
offside - you have an age limit?
ebren - that must be it. Tonight's header was perfection.
gg: is that hyena dog cross thing that you've got still in here? OBO've just admitted to a pet tapir, and it might like to come and chase the turtles and haggis here. Like so many other bods, it's a bit bored in the other place!
- Of course she'll be able to smoke in here: you can't call a pub the "Pakalolo Tavern", then ban smoking!
mimi,
do bring your pet tapir. It's a shame greengrass' mutt is in no shape to mate, that would have been interesting. What do you call a cross between a tapir and a hyena? Humphrey?
- Offside, you're not supposed to answer your own quiz questions! You still haven't had an answer to you first question...
offy, my old mate: it's not my tapir. If I suggest it can be let in, who knows what else might come too?
ebren, I wasn't aware we operated under English licensing laws. Are we in England?
that's what i was talking about, i am here for smoking, not for dinking. What? another drink! that last was stunning.What about a little bit of this bottle who has breasts?
gg, maybe they haven't taken the question seriously...
Good point Mr M, if we move to France we can smoke for months longer.
And the booze is cheaper.
How do you score two goals without setting foot on the pitch? Wear shoes and socks?
- Maybe you should ask it again. We'd better get this quiz moving before Guitou gets arrested: remember, there's another eight questions to come.
Un grand greenglass de Entre deux Mers si vous plait...froid naturallement...er..sorry...is this the snug?
Ebren,
it's not a play on words. And it is possible.
- Come on, Ebren; have a guess!
Duncan, make yourself at home. Guitou will be opening the oysters in a moment to go with the entre-deux-mers.
- Where's that bottle o' t' red stuff? If ah shove some in a jug, e' won't know t'difference.
Think I dozed off there for a moment - pass me the pichet of red. What's the quiz, what did I miss?
Aargh, I think the tapir has arrived - give it something to eat someone.
a goal may be two goals it's impossible.huck!
- Ah'll just nip out an' get t'keys to t'cellar off our Ingrid. Can you take care o' Nebuchadnezzar, vicar? You've got the quiz questions, 'aven't you, Offside?
Yeah I also give up on that one...Orsay, out with it. Is the Vicar still around??? I wouldnt feel too comfy with the pakalolo if he's still hanging about. Whose idea was it to bring him in the first place?? GG, is he swedish by any chance??
I'm certainly not going to answer right now, before you've had a proper chance to think about it. Guitou, if you think it's possible to score one without setting foot on the pitch, then the second shouldn't be a problem.
Score a goal - be the last player to touch the ball for the scoring team, or deflect the ball in from off to on target for the defending team.
Setting foot on the on the pitch - treading on the area in the middle of the outermost white lines.
Now you can't score from a throw in, or from kick off.
A ball could deflect of a sub or an injured player who is off the pitch and end up in the net. But one would imagine they would have trod on the pitch at some point.
So either we are talking wheelchair football, table football, or something I haven't thought of.
The Frenchman in the loincloth claims it's not a trick question. But 1,000 years of wars with those damn cheese-eating surrender monkies tells me not to trust them.
Now where's that glass of plain water with no alcohol he said he was getting me. And is it true the water round here is naturally green with a burn?
NOT a trick question. Honest. If you want to know, I've heard it from another frenchman, ex Auxerre manager and burgundy wine enthusiast Guy Roux. He knows his football.
there are two ways. !) from the side line,the player throw the ball and lob the goal...he must be king kong.
2) an acrobat, walking on his hands, playing on his hands, high ball, bycicle kick...goal.without setting foot on the pitch
Once only because miracle happens one time otherwise little jesus is playing with you.
What are you on about? I thought it was me who went way off topic?
I did bring the tapir, and it needs feeding.
By scoring the 'goals' in a polo match, maybe even an elephant polo match, a fine sport that Lucy enjoys and in which I believe Scotland are world champions.
HB: indeed we are! How kind of you to remind the troops of the skill the Scots have with the handling of the elephants. Shame no-one is helping me with this fucking tapir that's crept over from the OBO.
Offside: surely there are quarantine rules?
Why's Marcela over at another watering hole and not here?
Put some Arlo Guthrie on the jukebox and you may tempt her over.
I'm just sitting quietly in the corner, enjoying that pint.
I do like the colour coordination between the pint of stout and the tapir. Lovely.
So sad that tomorrow calls and I'm counting down my last 10 mins here tonight. Please look after the tapir for me. It's not his fault he ended up here - I thought it a safer haven for the poor beast than be left at GU Towers - I don't know that they are good with wild creatures. Here, I thought Offside would take him in.
Just pour me one last drink before I go, cheers all.
mimi, i don't know when your ten minutes are up. i'm just poppng in to say hello because you asked me over... but the guthrie post to zeph wasn't because 'i was there' but because that's where she posted... and it IS relevant. to greengrass' thread.
how do you plan to make the tapir's life pleasant up there? i thought they thrived in the tropics.
offside,line up the glasses we are coming later tonight. As yourself, you just proved that the myth of hard drinking writer is not just a myth.
Marcela: I've handed the care of the tapir over to Offside. He'd not be happy in northern Scotland, and I was worried about the care he'd receive at GU Towers. I don't think they're set up to look after exotic beasts. I'm pleased to see you're on the case - you won't let the boys abuse him, will you?
(entering with a tired-looking haggis under her arm)
Hello everybody, I'm glad to see you all in such fine spirits.
What are we playing? Can my spirit guide play too? (squeezing, petting, and kissing the imaginary creature with unrestrained affection while cooing, "mummy loves her ickle haggis, yes she does." Haggis starts to cry softly)
I'll have a half-pint of London Pride this time, please Ingrid, no need to repeat my last performance...
oh wow. a priest. and a tapir.
Three questions:
Is my wine ready?
Anyone fancy a game of bar billiards?
Who's that girl in the corner?
I'll play. Although I have the temperament of a wookie in defeat. And I've never played before. I know, I know...
Marcela is often in the corner, trying to get guitou to perform.
lulu - ever heard of beginner's luck? just hit the white to try and pot one of those balls but don't knock those mushrooms down and especially not that one...mind my glass though....noooooo!!!
..marcela? behaving like that...surely not?
(cringing)
Sorry.
(offside rises from his slumber - pops a couple of tiny purple dots into his mouth - grabs a pool cue by the narrow end)
Anyone fancy a game of pub baseball?
Haha Offside"Dock"intahiti!
Let me buy you another lulu. N'could you put "Manyana People" on the jukebox..
Now that is a song...
(ducking the cue as offside wields it like an aboriginal bull-roarer)
offside, sure, pub baseball, just leave my precious haggis out of it.
What have you been up to? Any races?
Aaah, thanks for the drink, duncan, cheers.
Music damnit!
Oops, are those my socks?
(manic grin - mad twinkle in the eye)
I'm feeling peckish. How 'bout we roast that tapir?
(clutching haggis and backing away)
uh, mimi...
(poking mimi frantically) mimi!
wake up!
your tapir needs you!
(runs out the door to finish her translation)
(the tapir bolts - offside runs after it into the night - screaming)
- Morni...
He surveys the scene:
- This is not a lock-in, it's a bloody lie-in... ...where's the vicar?
Where's Offside?
He leaves.
what time is it? I fell in sleep under the bar, everybody is gone,entre deux mers, honolulu, tahiti,is this a pub or a travel office?
I go for honolulu first, will see about Tahiti later.
(offside walks in carrying a side of bacon - passes behind the bar - disappears into the kitchen)
Have you got any Daddy's Sauce for that bacon?
(offside comes back out of the kitchen - wiping his hands)
Tapir and cabbage stew for lunch. Irish specialty. You can have a BLT if you're allergic to cabbage.
(packs his pipe)
But now, let me tell you the story. I was young but I remember it vividly. Stade de Reims were playing Bordeaux in the final of the Coupe de France (dubbed the "War of the Vineyards" by the Ciel Sport TV channel).
Deep into first-half injury time, Reims simultaneously get a corner kick and lose their right winger to injury. After a lenghty delay which takes us even further into injury time, super-sub Guitou is brought on with seconds to go.
The 4th official checks his studs and waves him on. But instead of taking to the field, super-sub Guitou jogs along the outside of the touchline to take the corner. His inswinger flies straight into the roof of the net. Delirious, Guitou runs off to celebrate with the fans. The referee blows for half-time. No kickoff, Guitou walks back to the dressing-room without having set foot on the pitch.
2nd-half kick-off. No Guitou in sight. He's broken a shoe lace just before the restart and the kit man is scurrying around looking for his bag. The ref won't wait and Reims start with ten men.
Super-sub Guitou is finally ready. The 4th official has to wait for play to stop before he can let him back on... and the ball goes out for a corner. Again, Guitou jogs down the outside of the pitch for another of his deadly dead ball deliveries. Bang! Super-sub Guitou scores another direct corner-kick.
Unfortunately, he wips this one in a touch too hard and does his hamstring, falling backwards outside the field of play. Suber-sub Guitou is stretchered off to a standing ovation from the capacity crowd and into legend. He has not set foot on the pitch, and yet he has scored two goals.
That's why he is now known as guy two goals.
I'll get me loincloth.
You see, it only really matters when you don't cross the white line.
Curses - I forgot corners.
What year?
Hi everyone. Just popped by for a drink and a spot of lunch .....
Oh my god, what have you done to my tapir??
(rushes out sobbing)
Offside
Come off it...I dont mean to be a spoil-sport here, but you know perfectly well that its almost imposible to take a corner without putting at least one foot, the one you used to kick, inside the pitch...
Afternoon - In to watch a bit of the cricket over a glass of IPA and tapir on toast.
offside - with respect - that is guff of the highest order.
Highly entertaining, a story worth telling - but guff.
- OK, that's 2 questions out of the way, and no-one has answered even one of them correctly.
Here's the third question:
In a recent taproom, Ebren told of how his seven-man quiz team had won thanks to knowledge he had gained on Pseuds' Corner.
How many pints did Ebren's team win?
I can clean up here...
Q2) what have you done to my tapir??
Fried it with cabbage.
Q3) 10, or it might have been fewer (I'm not sure if I was seeing double at the time).
ebren: my scream of pain was rhetorical! I saw the menu and what people were eating. To think, I brought the tapir here to be safe!
Still, I suppose the deed's done now. Maybe I'll just try a little ...
Hi, Monsieur Toogoal here, i came to tell you about my son gui, watch out he is full of it, never played football, never pass an exam including his driver's license all he does is telling absolute imaginary
stories.Soon he is going to tell you that he is meeting Elvis.
- Ebren, I didn't think I'd have to ask you not to divulge the answer: you were there, in body if not in mind.
I'll have to ban that answer - you should see the number of complaints about your behaviour from other posters!
So that's 3 questions, no correct answers.
Let's see, question 4 is "What have you done to my tapir?" Asked and answered by Ebren: banned!
4 questions, no correct answers.
Question 5. Concentrate, please - quiet at the back!
What is the name of the vicar?
Humphrey?
- A fair guess, Offside, but you're not quite there.
offside,
"war of the vineyards" ,I guess guy roux and yourself
were in the first row.
"ciel tv" of course, the sky has no limits.
I wish i knew you were going to break the story I could explain the broken shoe lace.
Soon I'll meet Elvis but i'll save this one for greengrass.
Can I guess his nickname?? Penguin???? he he he
bluedad: you can get the Chelsea match on GU's MBM, obviously no pictures, but better than nothing.
By the way, any of you following OBO this afternoon will know that I have just lost my job (and no, not because of spending too much time on the OBO!), so if anyone's got anything to offer me workwise, that I can do online from Scotland, please mail me
mimi@lydcott-house.co.uk
Years of experience in publishing on offer.
mimi, I noticed that. Commiserations.
Bad luck mimi.
Ta for the MBM tip, but with achingly unfunny Scott Murray doing it, I'd rather eat my own face off. He loathes Chelsea. I loathe him. As a relationship it seems to work well.
bluedaddy: you'd hate Scott Murray even more if you'd wasted precious minutes of your life listening to his little smugness on the cricket podcast!
- Question 6.
Roma won 2-1.
So if we beat them 2-1 at The Theatre
of Wet Dreams, then win the penalty shoot-out, who will shout "YES!!!"?
Mimi -
I think GU owes you a job (don't fancy the company, mind - though you would be able to have a sly glass with Marcela).
mimi, i'll buy you a drink now, right here. that's bad news. i'm sorry.
greengrass,
Q6: the vicar of Salford?
mimi,
not much I can offer except my best wishes and a tapir sandwich...
- Offside, yes! One right!
Tough break, Mimi, good luck with finding something else.
The position of England cricket captain ought to be vacant after today's showing....
Hey,I'm sorry to hear that mimi, and I feel especially guilty now about not doing more for your tapir. Can I buy you a drink, too?
zeph: I've emailed Duncan already!
Thanks for all your kind thoughts folks - I've offered my services to GU though as a failed BBlogger, and a regular in the Taproom, who moreover stole their Tapir and had him eaten, I doubt I'll be first on their calling list. Still something will turn up. In the meantime, hey, more time to spend with you guys!
Cheers!
- I wonder if Alisha & Chantelle have finally understood the charm of cricket?
Was that cute Aussie guy there at the Sri Lanka match to further their education?
When will Darcy the horse turn up at the taproom (the tapir butties are finished)?
gg
I will mate. I hope Man Utd do Rome the same way another Hannibal did a good few seasons back ;o)
In fact I'd pay to see the brave Roman boys in blue forced to stand in the frontline, as they take on 200 heavily armoured battle elephants, armed with just the same big sticks that they saw fit to use freely upon the heads of the United fans tonight.
hb: I caught a bit of news on the Roma match and crowd violence. What happened?
Nice to have you with us, HB. I'll settle for a win in the shoot-out. Hope to see you in the final!
gg
Greengrass, Darcy the horse is safe in his stables behind Alisha's parents' 7-bedroom ranch-style bungalow outside Harlow.
Chanelle sent me a text to say her name doesn't have a 't' in it - "duh how simple is that Zeph, getting someone's name right, page one yeah?"
So I'm out of favour - don't think today's match would have converted the girls though.
(stealing the last tapir butty from under greengrass' nose)
I think I'll endear myself to just about everyone here and say that I fancy Valencia to win the CL.
(big bite)
mimi (and possibly others),
www.sportsnob.net are looking for writers - as advertised on Ingle's Man U thread.
Seems they do cricket AND F1...
Usual terrace stuff, Roma scored and their fans rushed up to the clear perspex barrier dividing them and the English fans, taunting them.
United fans did the same when they equalised. Only in United's case about 60 police, who were stationed only on the United side of the barrier, armed and dressed in riot gear, beat the shit out of the United fans. Then proceeded to crack the heads of a few fans who were laid out on the floor and already clearly in need of medical attention with big riot sticks.
When Roma took the lead again, the Roma fans rushed the perspex barrier again. I saw four bottles go into the visitors ranks, so you can be sure there will be loads of coins too, which you don't see until it hits someone on the head or worse; the face.
The police were not concerned about what the Roma fans did, they just watched to see if any United fans wanted to react. The United fans were furious but kept their distance from the rozers on the fence.
The United fans were already being kept in the stadium for 90 minutes as is the usual Roman safety measure, but we haven't heard the last of this by a long way, especially since it's the second time that United fans have been treated outrageously by a foreign hosts in Europe this season.
Roma have a horrible fan culture and crap police to go with it, this shouldn't be allowed in football in 2007. I think Roma should be banned from Europe, and it's not before time, Italian football needs to sort this out before it's teams are allowed to compete in UEFA competitions again.
Offside: thanks for the tip-off: I've mailed these types, so wait and see.
Hannibal: that sounds far worse than the brief description i heard on the news. Why does this always happen with the Italians?
Marcela: if you're still around, I'm hanging out for a Glenfiddich if anyone's still buying?
sure.
anyone else?
Mimi,
I am still buying specially for you and marcella and I lend you a friendly hear.
sorry, hannibal, didn't mean to ignore your comprehensive post.
very vivid and detailed description. it's scary, and wrong.
i'll get you a drink for that super-writing, too!
thanks for the drinks, I think I'll just sup down the last of the single malt and wend my way out of here. At least tonight I don't have to worry about leaving a poor, helpless, fearful tapir behind. He's gone now, never to return ...
(sobs quietly into the whisky and puts head in hands, full of sorrow, and guilt)
I have actually distilled some of the remains, if anyone fancies a tapirinha...
Ta Marcela
I'll have a Creme de Menth and Tizer please.
I'm loving Javi Mascherano's work by the way :o) It's even better than the poetry he reads to you.
Yes, everyone seems to be happy with Javier in Liverpool and it makes West Ham look terrible, terrible. It was certainly the poetry and resulting karma. Although it didn't really work in Julio Baptista's favor, though.
There seems to be some sort of odd link with So.American players and poetry and Liverpool...
Do either Marcela or Hannibal know more about this?
Thanks for the report Hannibal, do you think Old Trafford will be any more welcoming and accommodating, though in the return?
Honolulu
The Manchester police will handle the situation much better than the Roman police did. I don't think that anyone will get beaten over the head with truncheons.
I believe Marcela, herself, is the connection btween, Poetry, South American football and Liverpool.
Mimi
Sorry to her about the employment situation.
HB,
Liverpool being a south american city and everything, do we have to call you hannibalbrookinho?
Hi lulu,
drink?
No guv'nor, I can't tonight. But thank you!
Was anybody else disappointed that Marcela didn't read an excerpt of Beowolf on the pod? For one second, until James burst my bubble, I thought, "Great!"
lulu,
are you sure you won't try the tapirinha? It is quite tasty.
Why an excerpt? I'm sure Marcela could read the whole thing. I hear the new translation by Seamus Heaney is excellent. Can Marcela do an Irish accent?
Zeph -
whereabouts in Harlow is that horse stabled?
By the way - is she English, Chanelle?
Given the choice of the entire planet, I think I would live in Italy, but its football administration is deeply flawed a the moment. I read a piece in When Saturday Comes (I think) describing the status of police in Italy and connections to Ultras etc.
I would write that we'll have to wait for someone to get killed before somewthing is done, but, of course, people have been killed and yet...
Whilst there are many things wrong with the English football experience, those of us who went home and away in the 70s and 80s shouldn't forget how far policing and stewarding has come - it is a big success story here and I cannot understand why it is so much of a problem in Italy in 2007.
Anyone who has ever been to a match should see those pictures Hannibal describes and think "could have been me".
I guess I'm too late for the tapir stew - after all that bile above, I could do with a G&T though.
One tapir stew, one G&T, coming up pronto!
Use Scwheppes Citrus for the tonic, Ingrid! Goes a treat with the cabbage...
Greengrass (although it's tomorrow now) - I am not revealing Darcy the horse's whereabouts to people who eat tapirs. Especially when one of them is French.
Of course Chanelle is English. She's from Roydon which is marginally more posh than Harlow (though in Essex it's all relative). Her Mum thought Chanelle was a nice name. Her sister is called Tiffany (but they don't get on).
Rather worryingly, she has indicated that she wants to talk about football next time....
Zeph -
That is worrying news from Chanelle. Has she seen the quality of the football writing from American friends over at http://supertopuksoccer.blogspot.com?
Zeph,
if Chanelle wants to talk footy, I'm her man!
Sorry about the confusion regarding her nationality: I heard a rumour that her surname was LaManche.
Tiffany - is she the one who was paralysed in the car crash?
gg
No, Tiff is sound in wind and limb, despite a misspent youth. She's older than Chanelle, and now lives with her boyfriend who's ostensibly a property developer but has some very dodgy friends...
Mouth, I've now discovered your Deep Southern avatar... like it lots!
But keeping up with all this excellent blogging - how am I ever going to get any work done, and therefore eat? What's a girl to do?
Zeph,
eating is not a problem. In fact, I wonder if we'll ever see the end of this tapir.
Chops?
- Be careful, Ingrid, so tha doesn't bust thi stitches!
T'doctor distinctly said tapir was off - stick to tripe, like 'e towd thi!
greengrass: there was nothing wrong with my tapir, at least when he was alive
(eyes grow misty, sudden gulp, but hasty straightening of spine)
If anyone was ill it's cos they're not used to high quality Lowland Brazilian tapir meat, and that's hardly his fault.
- Right!
I'm off to see the vicar. After the egg-rolling, we'll cobble together a petition to have all Italian clubs banned from European competitions from this coming Tuesday morning for three years.
Money talks - hit them where it hurts, in their pockets, and they will jolt into action.
It looks like stop-tapir time in here, so I'll lock up.
The key's in the usual place if anyone's thirsty.
(Traipses off, singing "The Old Rugged Cross")
GG
"The Old Rugged Cross"? I'd have thought "Gladly, my Crossed-Eyed Bear" was more up your street.
Offside is noticeably missing here: has he been bested in private conflict with the small scottish cats - armed with sharpened whips?
I know the bar's been closed over the hols, but just in case anyone looks in, do we know who this bod "lowdowner" is? Has popped up on GU a lot recently and looking to pick a fight with me. Surely not any of you?
mimi,he is a little weight trying to be funny, please do not worry you have first class protection. on you right guitou, on your left offside the canoe's triple world champ, in front Ebren the rugbyman, behind you greengrass ready for a karate move a la Elvis.
And in case we are outnumbered, Pipita is ready to call the argentinian barras,taht's worst than italian maffia.
Sleep well Mimi.
guitou: so glad you dropped in to reassure me. Not that I'm really worried, but an odd attack on me and Pepp, and out of the blue. I don't think we do know who this lowdowner is, do we? Not one of you in disguise surely?
Can't understand peeps who do nothing but criticise, me. If you don't like the stuff, go away!! That's me.
Yes mimi,but don't take it personal, these are few lunatics who pop-up on the blog like bugs over your meal. One spray and they are gone.
guitou: understood. First time I've been attacked by a blogger. Am quite used to being rejected by the proper GU boys and have become immune to their hurts, but, ooh, don't like the blogging hostility. Of course, having read some of youse lots history, you're all very familiar with this attack stuff.
Nice to have a safe place to come!
Sure thing mimi, as guitou rightly suggested I can always bring along los "borrachos del tablon" literally "the drunkards of the terraces", River Plate's barra bravas, if necessary
(Yaaaaaaaaaaawn - rubs eyes - scratch scratch)
Wha'a ye talkin' about'?
Dead, Offy: the sharks are all dead.
Scottish cats 1: shark army 0
I don't know what mimi is talking about either.
mimi -
as soon as I circumvent the GU's dogged blocking of my re-registration
(that's not a stammer, by the way) I will slip onto a blog and geld that lowdowner with my five-string banjo.
How do you like your eggs - boiled or fried?
gg
offside smoked a bit too much the other night, and is in denial from being bested in a fight - ha!
gg - just what did you do this time to get banned? Thought the GU lot were a bit more relaxed these days?
What's the story with this lowdown dude? I couldn't find the thread.
And gg, don't believe anything mimi says about that fight, she got thrashed.
mimi -
yes, the GU lot are about as relaxed as Genghis Khan with piles.
They have a new moderator, aptly named "Cockburn", who is mortally afraid of "thread creep".
I got banned for signing a perfectly-innocent, on-topic post with "Greengrass" on a Glendenning thread: the GU lot are so relaxed that they come over all knee-jerk peevish at a mere name.
gg
gg: what the hell is "thread creep"? I've done plenty of what I imagine that means without even a slap.
And Offside is lying about the fight. I've got the thigh-high sharkskin boots to show for it, and all he's got is a single fingerless cat fur mitten.
Katfurmitten? Bitte?
Frau Mimi, are you going to wear those thigh-high sharksin boots, give orders in german, and whip me, or do I have to beg?
Wilkommen Gauleiter Offside. Do you vish ze crop, ze bullwhip or (ha ha) ze cat o'nine tails?
Can I have all three if I promise to be good?
Naturalich, mein herr. You pay, I provide!
In the meantime, would the Taproom like some "whickers" for the menu? Andy (on OBO) has just found these small creatures on the Isle of Skye, but I'm sure I could tempt them over here with the scent of some fresh shark meat.
Bloody 'ell - virtual flagellation!
I'll have to have a word with the vicar about this - I thought he was the only one round here into that kind of thing...
(wipes troubled brow; hurries off).
Yeah, well, I can see you're trying to lure me onto the OBO but even though I don't mind a little S&M once in a while, that would definitely be Torture with a capital T, so no thanks.
No luring, not at all no. Just wondering if you wanted something special on the menu tonight. Whickers are apparently small creatures, not unlike hedgehogs, but without the spikes. I thought you might have just the recipe for a newly slaughtered little beastie.
Sure, as any French person will tell you, if it breathes, it can be cooked.
chef: I'm slavering. Get those pots bubbling and let's see what deliciousness you can whip up for us here tonight.
Yum.
Today's Alliterative Special
Whickers and whelks in a wacky whipped cream and wheatmeal sauce (with a dash of Isle of Skye finest Talisker)
For all you slavering, slobbering, salivating, slanderous, slurping slobs.
Ah chef: you tempt, you tempt. Already one of the small cats is setting off on the trail of a delicious dinner! Might have to put the whips to one side tonight and join you in the Taproom.
Any sign of anyone else?
Could I have a chip butty, please?
No, no, do bring the whips. This greasegrass character is in need of a good spanking.
Well, I could be persuaded, but which whips to bring, you know, that's always the question. and it does depend who's in tonight. For some the bull-whip, for some a neat crack with the riding crop. It's a quandary.
I'll just have the whipped cream, thanks, to go with these chips.
Thank you very much, young man! I'll leave you two to your own devices...
(leaves in haste)
mimi, what are you waiting for greasgrubgrass want his cream whipped!
And I'll have a spellchecker with chips, please. Yeah, salt and vinegar.
mimi,
with your multiple talents I can't see you being unemployed for long.
GU Towers is ripe for the lash and I'm sure that the government will need a new Whip soon.
green: I couldn't possibly comment on GU and lashing. It would breach the terms of the confidentiality agreement I signed with ....
ok new here whats happening?
Hi, there talishka: we don't know you but always a welcome here in the Taproom. What's your poison?
anything that contains alcohol!!!! What about u?
A new person? In the bar?
And we've finished the tapir.
Talishka - I don't suppose you've brought an endangered pig-like mamal with you?
only my son in law ebren!
He'll do. Now, what have we done with the roasting spit...
roast son-in-law, there's a thought. could we add my ex brother-in-law to the spit?
Where's the chef? Offside: we need some recipes here. Or you know what I'll do. there's still some cream left to whip.
Welcome, talishka.
I'm afraid the kitchen has been re-arranged as an S&M boudoir.
Which will make it difficult to cook anything but we can have a barbecue in the beer garden.
Does anybody know where to find a warthog? I've always wondered what that tastes like...
so offside is the barbeque made from leather?
leather and spikes.
Tempted?
oh definately..have you found the warthog to spike...
I thought this thread was dead.
Not quite dead, no. Thanks to mimi's thigh-high sharkskin boots and whip collection, it's got a new lease of life.
yeh i notice mimi has eft me high and dry with u lot ( no pun intended)
She's probably gone to fetch the warthog...
i'd better get my 3" spiked heels on to kill that warthog when she returns. Starting to get hungry now.
hey offside r u supplying the booze for this barbeque??
Indeed! I specialise in cocktails.
Care to try today's special while we wait for mimi and the unsuspecting suidian to return?
Orange Warthog:
3 tsp Kool-Aid Orange mix
3 1/2 oz Southern Comfort peach liqueur
12 oz Coca-Cola
sounds good, think it might need a little more southern comfort though, or less orange juice.
Come clean, Mimi - this Talishka is a Mimi clone, isn't she?
(Leaves scene of crime, humming "Send in the Clones").
how did you guess greengrass.
ok offside need another pre dinner drink, mimi is taking so long getting this warthog....or maybe she has gone t pick up my pills for my split personality!
mimishka?
Got the perfect cocktail for you:
(Cy)clone Attack:
2 oz lemon juice
2 oz Blue Curacao liqueur
cool a green drink. going to be well drunk by the time the warthog arrives. hope someone is going to barbeque it, or we might have to eat it raw. I like fresh meat!!!!!
i have absolutely no knowledge of this Talishka. What you lot choose to do is nothing to me.
Another cocktail, mr offside sir, if you've forgiven my kittens.
have you brought the warthog mimi?
You can have some of it raw if you like but greengrass is already at work digging a Tahitian oven in the ground. I've got a fire going, banana tree leaves for wrappers, the stones are nearly hot enough for a proper Ma'a Tahiti.
Another cocktail while you wait, mimishka?
yes offside another cocktail would be good.
i think mimi has forgotten the warthog.what are we going to barbeque now?
Well... if it's just you and me... I'll introduce you to exciting South Pacific culinary customs...
Offside: a barbeque for that meat (surely shark), but not kittens. I'm wearing the boots and I do not know your new friend - Talishka? Hum some pacific islander you have brought on board???
so what are these southern pacific customs???
mimi did you remember my pills as well as the warthog? Or did you give the warthog the pills and now he thinks he's a shark!!!
I might have had too many cocktails. I'm seeing triple. Think I need to lie down.
Who is this mimiskha? I've never understood multiple personalities. Offy: what's going on here? If you explain, I'll let you have one tiny tiny scottish kitten for your sharks.
i need another cocktail offside, might as well get totally drunk as it looks like there is no warthog on the menu..... what a waste of a perfectly good fire.
Nope. I'm afraid I can't explain. For a while, I contemplated the possibilities of an S&M foursome (five, if we count the warthog), but I'm not so sure now...
Well, we could always roast one of your alter egos. Which one is more appetising?
definately the mimi part.
mimi can we have one of your kittens to barbeque cause these nacos are boring!
Hey - hang on here. I'm Me, Mimi. What is happening here???
Offside: ask her, whoever she is, about the sharkskin boots and kitten mittens.
I'm scared.
mimi your not going to win this . they are convinced we are the same person. Now i'm starting to get confused!
That's the thing with these free-login sites. Nobody knows who's who anymore.
Mimi, Mimishka, Talishka, maybe I'll have all three. Yum.
I know who i am....I think
Yes, but do you know what you want?
look: I do not know who this Talishka is - I inadvertently invited her in her tonight but otherwise, i know nothing about her. I think I might have met her once in a back street drinking hall in Elgin, but take no note of anything she says.
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