“I first got to be friends with Alisha cos of Arsene Wenger. We were at school right and we had this teacher Mr Fielding and he was talking about football yeah and he said Arsene Wenger believes in training and discipline because he’s an alsatian. So next time old Arsene was on TV I had a look and the day after yeah I said to Mr Fielding I thought alsatian was wrong he looks more like a collie to me. And Mr Fielding did his like I-went-to-university laugh and said oh no, Chanelle, I meant he comes from the Alsace region of France.
“ I was like omigod and I went really red yeah but then Alisha right they used to have a house in France so she knows stuff, she said no wonder Chanelle misunderstood you Mister Fielding isn’t it supposed to be pronounced alsassyann? And old Fielding took his like I’m-popular-with-the-kids smile off his face and snapped into default teacher grumpy mode and said he was using the Anglican version thank you very much Alisha and stomped off.
“So that’s why I’m friends with her because that’s what you want right, a friend who sticks up for you when you’ve embarrassed yourself instead of taking photos of you on their phone and showing them around. Well I know that’s what we did to the England cricket boys but they got arsey with us so that’s different.
“If I know anything about any football team right which isn’t much yeah it would be Arsenal because when I was about fifteen I was like so so so in love with Thierry Henry I was like, Thierry will never be mine so book me that cell in the convent now. I still think he’s pretty cute to be honest but I try not to have crushes on footballers these days cos I’m supposed to be growing up and stuff right, I mean I can say I wouldn’t kick Owen Hargreaves out of bed but I’m not like pining cos there’s no future in it.
“I don’t mind football but sometimes I wish it wasn’t like totally the most important thing on the planet yeah, I mean if you see a bunch of blokes shouting at each other it’s either football or politics right and 99 time out of 100 it’s football, but that’s the way it is yeah so you have to like survive in a football-obsessed world. So you have to have a few remarks up your sleeve right like, Arsenal have never really replaced Patrick Vieira have they, and with any luck you can throw that one into the conversation yeah and then the blokes won’t stop talking for about a week and you can have another margarita and get on with your life.
“I have a question about football right, which is this: when foreign players come over here right and they’re like, I ‘ad to get used to ze English game because eet ees verry fast and verry physical, yeah, do they really mean that they think all our footballers know how to do is run up and down the pitch a lot and kick the shit out of each other, but the money’s good so they’re staying?
“I put this question to Karl who was this boy I used to go out with yeah he was sweet but he was like the football anorak of all anoraks it could get embarrassing. And Karl looked dead hurt and offended and said it’s a matter of style and ethos right and I said well either they kick the shit out of each other or they don’t and excuse me, I watch TV. So then he decided I didn’t like football yeah and it was like this major problem in our relationship so you see what I mean yeah football has too much influence in the universe.”
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56 comments:
I recall Chanelle and Alisha. It surprises me not at all to read of their sordid exploits in these posts.
For the record, I was totally exonerated by the hearing and I am very happy at the call centre.
I recall too, Chanelle played with no 5-and with Alisha Wonderland.
Cute story, Zeph, but why pick Henry? I think you can do better, there are lots of guys in Football who look better and dance better.
Mr Fielding, you have all my sympathy - I am finding that being Chanelle's chosen amanuensis can be a strain at times. She phoned me in the middle of the night recently, accusing me of eating a tapir - whatever next?
Guitou - a few years ago lots of English girls thought TH14 was ze sexy Frencheman par excellence... it was those car adverts, I'm afraid.
I don't get it, who are Alisha and Chantelle? I think we would be best friends... although fights over Thierry are inevitable, because I love him more.
It's true we haven't replaced Vieira, but, my god, the man is a legend, taking on Gary Neville and Keane-o at the same time. oh captain, my captain...
I know a little about P. Viera and I may assure you that he is happily married with a a very nice girl, Shirley.
Imagine Titi with a beret for a cure.......
Honolulu,
I first met Chanelle and Alisha after the Flintoff pedalo incident...
http://pseudscorner.blogspot.com/2007/03/eyewitness-account-zephirine_20.html
It seems they'll be in the West Indies a little longer before returning to Essex.
I believe Monsieur Henry is also happily married, but a girl can still dream.
Zeph - Are you sure that Chanelle was referring to a tapir? When she called me in the middle of the night, she said she had the "tape here".
The terms of my severance deal preclude my defending myself further against those scurrilous allegations.
Woof!
Don't be silly, Arsene would bark in French.
Zeph, I think I know mr fielding and arsene as well.....you know what they say about the leopard and
his spots....
Sorry, Anon, Arsene Wenger may look like a collie but he does not look like a leopard. Let's get real here.
Wah Wah Woof!
(Sighing) I know.
Thanks for the link, btw. Chanelle and Alisha sound alarmingly familiar.
TH14 - comment dit-on 'lol' en francais?
mdr, as in "mort de rire".
Merci!
I just lost my comment! It was a good one, but now in cyber space somewhere. Fuck.
Main point was: loved this Zeph, and used to have a crush myself on Patrick Veira - sp?
It's Patrick Vieira, merci.
c'est correct au sujet de: Vieira, viera avec 2 i comme thierri.
Do we have a plague of anonymous frogs?
Or - be still, Honolulu's beating heart - can the real Thierry have been lurking in cyberspace, reading pseuds?
Or perhaps it's Arsene, growling quietly away.
Arsene is far too busy wondering if there's a French horse to put his money on in the Grand National. He's a quiet man, but bets like a good'un.
Arsene might fancy a flutter on Iron Man, or possibly Nirvana du Bourg? Perhaps Thierry will be backing Exotic Dancer.
zeph, mimi , honolulu,
offside is confused and try to confuse you too, a combination of pakololo, alcohool with the sun over his head
Offsideinanonymity, come out from behind that palm tree!
Don't you think Nirvana du Bourg is an amazing name for a racehorse?
buy him a drink and he'll come out in a tahiti second,
How about a gimlet? Gin, lime juice, nothing else - maybe a little ice if you insist?
Who is this TH14? I hear he's fast. How fast? I'll take him on 3200m on the flat and we'll see who's racy here.
You'll take him easy mate, he's a one-trick pony.
Hey Darcy, how's it going?
About TH14, after his last game, he said he had a mare. Bit of a French braggart, non?
zeph, didn't I tell you he'll come out if there is a drink? keep baiting, soon he'll run out of nicknames...
Excuse me, but I know this offside character quite well now. You can lead him to water, but you can't make him drink.
Now, if you lead him to a nice cocktail bar...
Wonder what Madame TH had to say about that. But the girls do like him, you know.. it's just the way it is.
While you're on your hooves, Nirvana, could you take another gimlet round to the bleary-looking Frenchman behind that palm tree?
Blimey, this is the third thread in a week that's turned into a cyberdrinkingplace... Somebody out there is a bad influence.
Sorry, haven't seen him.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to sway in the breeze and look cool.
(clutching her rapidly pounding heart) I will be happy if Thierry spends the rest of his days, happily and prolific, at Arsenal, that is all I need from him, if his English wife wants to help me out and persuade him to stay in London, she's got a babysitter for life!
Hey palm tree, stop swaying, you're in my sun and I need to pre-tan evenly.
Well, in that case, wouldn't it be easier if YOU moved? think about it.
I understand this TH14 stuff. After tonight's result at Goodison, I feel like that about Lee Carsley.
Don't take any nonsense from that tree. Lean your back against its trunk and have a good scratch, that's what trees are for.
http://www.uglyfootballers.com/genpage.asp?documentid=268
va-va-what?
But he delivered the goods today, obviously.
Yeah, Darcy's right lulu, don't mind him. Polynesian palm trees are notoriously haughty.
'night Nirvana. 'night, Turtle.
(yawns and trots off in the direction of Essex)
So that's why the lascivious sod lost his job!
I note that the Ex-Mrs Fielding is still using her married name. I thought the terms of the divorce were quite expicit about the use of the Fielding name. If I wasn't bled dry by alimony payments, she would be hearing from my lawyers.
Lol. Funny little piece, and sort of similar in vein to this piece I wrote today about what happened in the Chelsea changing rooms after Chelsea/Manu between Jose and Robben after Robben scored the winner that wins Chelsea the Premiership.
OK, so not so similar. But still funny.
Thanks, Emma. I've just sent you a photo for your film blog.
Yep, just got it, it's a beauty! I love Audrey, and I've never seen that one of her before. I think I'll add it to my sidebar. :D
For your information, Casanova, my present husband's name is Fielding.
Imagine, you stooping so low as to correspond in cyber space with those jezebels!
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