Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Dear Aunt Polly - file

Aunt Polly is the agony-aunt for the footballing stars of Great Briton and beyond. She knows pain personally and will always try her best to help through her tears though she is not legally or morally responsible for any of the consequences of following any of her advice.

Dear Aunt Polly,

I’m a struggling first time manager in one of the under divisions and I’ve just seen that the Carlisle manager Neil Macdonald has been sacked already. We’re only one game into the season, he drew that and his lot had finished eighth last season, my own record compares not well with his. How long do you think I’ve got?

Pickled Eggs

Dear Pickled Eggs,

Are you still there? Hard to say how long you’ve got, it depends on the particular flavour of your chairman’s mania. Some maverick owners will rant with spittle about loyalty right up to the moment they dump you however the more common or garden variety will just rant incomprehensibly and then sack you. If you’ve recently been given a vote of confidence or if your club has a loud supporter’s voice I’d find an estate agent from out of town.

Dear Aunt Polly,

I’ve got a pain in my foot and I think it might be one of me bones again, the doctors, manager, coach, players and a cleaner tried to explain it me but my I-pod was playing up. Does this mean I can’t drive me Hummer?

The King

Dear The King,

Sadly that’s probably true, is there still a bus service near where you live?

Dear Aunt Polly,

I’m a serial axe murderer from Haiti with lots of dosh I got from that government malarkey, I need a bit of a change of scene and I was thinking that a football club might be good for my image. Can you suggest a suitable one for a practical swashbuckling type like myself?


Dear XXXX,

Aren’t you already here? Why don’t you stop by the Bates Motel in Leeds when you come over? Feel sure you’d be a warmly welcomed word to the wise.

The Wisdom of Footballers Quote of the Day:

Bobby Robson “We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.”


MotM said...

Dear Aunt Polly,

Will the season really be over for us if we lose tonight?

(Not so) Jolly Martin?

offsideintahiti said...

Chère Tata Pauline,

after long years together, he's left me for some Spanish dancer. I'd go and confront them in their love nest, but I've got the kids to mind. There's so many of them.

What should I do?


Aunt Polly said...

Dear (not sho),

the water that is pashed under the bridge, ish it gone?

the sherry glash ish empty, wash it ever really full? I'd better refill it in the name of metashienshe

Dear Arshene,

mother is God on the heartsh and lipsh of little children (WMThack), join the English national orphanage and shee jus how far you can shpread your love, hick

Dolly Blue Mancy said...

Dear Aunt Polly,
what will happen to our side if that nice man with all the money gets put away?

(sings, to tune of "Thank You for the Music"):

Thaksin Shinawatra
Is doing it for us
(all three of us).

file said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aunt Polly said...

Dear Dolly,

I don't want to be the one to disillusion you dear, but I think you'll find the lyrics are

Thaksin Shinawatra
Is doing it TO us

dolly blue manc said...

Dear Aunt Polly,
but he said we'd all be able to go to
Thailand, which he said is far better than Blackpool, and he said they have Holland's meat puddings and Holt's ale and he said...

guitougoal said...

Dear Aunt Polly,
remember Jens, your german nephew?
I'm a little overwhelmed today taking so much rap from herr Arsene,since last game the ball went to the left and not to the right.
I am seeking out your impartial voice,do we call dr Freud or just let the bygones be bygones?
ishlibediss, Jens le man .

guitougoal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jens said...

ps.thanks dog premcorrespondent didn't mention it on his pseuds column!

file said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aunt Polly said...

Dear Dolly,

I know dear, there there, use my hankie..

Dear Jens,

my how you've grown but you're still a very naughty boy, you never could control your urges

I suggest you go and see Arsene and have a good heart to heart, let it all hang out like Dolly here is

there's nothing to say that men can't cry too you know, Arsene will thank you for it

file said...

Dear Aunt Polly,

this whole identity switching business is really starting to do my head in


Aunt Polly said...

Dear Schrodingersbuffalo,

you are what you eat

a gent said...

Dear Aunt Polly,

some people say that a pet is not just for Christmas; that applies to footballers, too.

I am an agent. I really try to do my best, helping football players find new homes when their owners don't want them any more.

Do people thank me? No, they try to make me look like some kind of a hyena, when I'm really only trying to put things right that Santa got wrong.

Agents have feelings, too.

Aunt Polly said...

Dear A,

others might argue that Christmas is not just for pets or footballers (or even perhaps footballing pets)

I'd suggest a make-over, get rid of those old hyena jowls and sharp suits, choose earth tones and hessian, corduroy cardigans and Werthers Originals (tm)

try a bit of publicity work for Save the Impala

Vlad said...

"Save the impaler"?

I like that. Where do I sign up?

guitougoal said...

Dear Aunt Polly Tick,
why did Adidas sent me a 2 left-footed oversized pair of shoes? Arsene is claiming this is another conspiracy from tricky jose. He said left shoes its not right, and I cried and I cried.
Would you like to be in my shoes?


MotM said...

Dear Aunt Polly,

Everton are 1-3 up at half time at The Lane. Should I be very excited; very, very excited or VERY, VERY, VERY EXCITED INDEED!!!!?

offsideintahiti said...

Hey Mouth, wish I could watch and get excited with you, unfortunately, I'm stuck with the GU MBM. Good game?

guitougoal said...

So excited and the the King will set you on fire


MotM said...

Offside - I have had access to Canal Plus here in Sweden for years, but no longer, so I was stuck with the MBM, but a victory at The Lane is as sweet as a nut!

Gitou - Cheers. The King will be on continual loop on Thursday.

guitougoal said...

and they still didn't release his interview done by Camus in Las Vegas....

offsideintahiti said...

Yeah, the 30th anniversary of the King's death (?) would be a fitting date for that. They've probably misplaced the tapes of that interview.

guitougoal said...

la faute a Camus.

albert camus said...

Dear Aunt Polly,

why people say always it's my fault?

uncle arturo the stranger, said...

Alberto ,
you've been a really naughty boy during your youth in Oran, a real pest.

greengrass said...

Dear Aunt Polly,

I reeled away from a linguistics brawl on GU for an Indian meal in my role as what Swedes call a "plastic daddy". That was followed by a five-hour watch at the boat club. I come home, and what do I find?

Toffee-nosed frogs, fresh from Riviera red carpets, taking the piss out of The King is what!

You see, I'll be doing an Elvis show at the Bishop's Arms in Jönköping come Thursday, and I'd be really grateful if you could make sure these haute couture characters
don't come along and jeer.

aunt ena said...

Mouth -
savour it, lad, savour it!

Offside -
min svävare är också full av ål.

offsideintahiti said...


"min svävare är också full av ål."

Sure, but where do you put the glottal stops in that?

guitougoal said...

we'll be there , both of us, how can we pass on such an exquisite invitation....forget graceland offside, there is an anniversary every year anyway-
Stockholm? do they have an airport in stockholm?

Elvis said...


offsideintahiti said...


they do have an airport in Stockholm but it's blocked by snow at the moment. They can only use it during the summer, from July 18th to July 23rd. (They had an indian summer this year, it's usually shorter.)

guitougoal said...

That's too bad I had my blue Swede shoes ready for Stockholm-
let's go to spain, I never been to spain but I kind of like the music....


file said...

enjoy the giddy heights Mr.Mouth

Guitou, 'Blue Swede Shoes'? that's gotta be a yellow card offense too no, Offie?

grungross, good common sense on GU, why does a dutchman want to homogenize English anyway?

Elvis said...

A hunk of burning love Aunty File. Amusing. A question for Polly.

Iraq won the Asian Cup and 78 people were accidently killed in 'celebrations'. Do you think that this trend may catch on? And if so which will be the next team to inspire a celebratory massacre?

And in case I get a double bacon cheeseburger from the tartan skirt, I regret to inform that Nesta has now left the building.

aunt polly said...

Dear "elvis",

that such a great victory should be followed by such a hollow loss is in truth a vicious memento mori

greengrass said...

Dear Elvis,

an archeolinguistical investigation carried out by our Ingrid indicates that the Japanese hold the record for the greatest number of deaths in connection with a sporting victory.

After Japan's gold in the synchronised suchi event at the Millwall Olympics of 1905, 7549 Japanese were glottal-stopped in their tracks during celebrations.

The sychronised suchi event has since been banned from the Olympics, and a number of indignant GU posters are doing their level best to put an end to public glottal-stopping between consenting adults.

Yours in flames,


nesta aaron presley said...

I've heard of Memento Mori. He scored the winning goal for Roma in the 1946 Coppa Italia. Tragically passed away that very same night.

There was much speculation in the press at the time about the cause of his demise.

The Papal Fascist News reported that he was poisoned by occupying American troops.

The coroner's report stated that he died from alcoholic poisoning.

However, the newly formed il Angolo scooped the lot. Printing surreptitiously from a suburban basement the intrepid resistance hacks revealed that Mori, intoxicated and sexually satisfied, had fallen down the marble stairs of his mistress' apartment and broken his neck.

There was one thing that all the reports agreed on, his last words before his rapid and bone-breaking descent.

Roughly translated he said,"Ciao, baby. I am the king. If God struck me down this instant I would be the happiest man alive."

Football, philosophy and fellatio. A dangerous brew.

MotM said...

A dangerous brew and a real mouthful. (I'll get me coat).

pun ref said...

Hey File,

life is unfair. You get a yellow, Guitou gets away with it, and for that last one, MotM gets MotM (Man of the Match).

file said...


ah, the bittersweet and the Roman thought police, the blown away, poor mori, gone but forgotten

prem ref,

there's no justice, still I'm happier with a yellow card than drinking the new cocktail from that athletic Tasmanian barman

more wisdom of footballers:

Peter Taylor

"When I said even my Missus could save Derby from relegation, I was exaggerating."

guitougoal said...

Abla, abla, dramablabla-This is a yellow conspiration:
-file get the yellow card
-Motm get the yellow jersey
-Ingrid's Japs 1905, the yellow face
-Elvis cut the yellow ribbon and says yellow from Hawai
- Greengrass get to yell oh my dog aunt polly !offside is taking the piss at Elvis
-Tata Polly is brushing her curly yellow hair thinking
"time to put this non sens on yellow alert fAck me twice me see red, me go home!"

Regnans said...

Dear Aunt Polly,

I currently play in California for a MLS club. I've been offered a contract with Sydney FC for the coming A-League season. Should I stay with the circus and perform with Beckham or travel to Australia to play with Juninho? Please help. My agent says I should join the circus and enjoy the spotlight but my heart says cross the Pacific and play beside a Brazilian legend. What should I do?

Zephirine said...

Dear Aunt Polly

I am very confused. When did we begin to have a pun ref? Surely if punning was an offence on Pseuds, the taprooms would never have stayed open for longer than five minutes...?

Of course I can't speak for M Guitougoal, but it seems to me as a neutral observer that outrageous puns are a natural part of his Franco-Californian heritage and self-expression and to deny him this would be an infringement of his human rights, non?

aunt polly said...

Dear Regnans,

hmm, that lovely protective layer of smog or the hole in the ozone?

Brand names or Brazilians?

when I get to one of those sticky decisions in life I usually find it helps to write to one of those columns with an Agony Auntie thingy, have you tried that?

aunt polly said...


don't be confused dear, have you tried lashing out?

It certainly shouldn't be pun-ishable, au contraire, it should be paid work

just remember though that a human wrong doesn't make a human right, ok?

Tweet it, digg it