Monday, May 7, 2007

Offgrass&Greenside - The Bandy Legs Inn

Outside: A sign reads "FOR THIS NIGHT ONLY - PAKALOLO GALORE!!!"

Inside: A suspiciously Tasmanian-looking bloke arranges suspicious-looking foodstuffs on a corner table. Offside sits on a bar stool, teaching a kangaroo to sing "Waltzing Matilda" in Tahitian. Mimi, filling in for Ingrid, is lining them up on the bar.

Greengrass: A pint of off-topic, please, luv.

Offside: I'll have six pints please, Mimi. And the same for my friend here. He's got a title to celebrate and I have to drown my sorrows. Tonight's a night for licking wounds and celebrating togertherness. Let's leave the door open. Everyone is welcome and we need some fresh air.

403 comments:

1 – 200 of 403   Newer›   Newest»
gg said...

Is that the sound of a chainsaw I hear?

offside said...

Or a banshee wailing?

gg said...

It could be both: I heard that Genghis forgot the crutch guard, then slipped with the chainsaw when hunting me.
There could be some interesting ingredients in the Tasman stew tonight.

MotM said...

It's probably not taproom talk, but I've posted a comment on Marcela's thread in another place, and I'm interested in Offside (and anyone else's opinion).

I still intend to write a pseuds piece on the relationship between nationalism, propaganda and sport, but I mean some time and brain space.

Since I'm drinking Boddingtons now ('tis true), I'll have another and pull up a chair.

mimi said...

Bloody hell. i go away for a day or so and find on my return that I've got to work in the bar! I'd better go and whip the chef now and make sure we get some shark's fin into the stew today.

pipita said...

Hi lads, good to be back. Im still suffering from lack of internet at home...Any pakalolo around or is it too early for that?? I'll settle for a media-luna and an expresso then. Bet none of you know what a media-luna is... Very French I can tell you, but much tastier than the French version over here...Sorry offy, guito, buts that how I feel

GG
Congrats!!!!!!!

Motm
Same on you!!!How can you ever list Ian Rush on your list of best players youve ever seen...You would have been expelled as an everton member in this part of the world. Agree with you on Beardsley though, but thats just because I had the distinction of watching him play for our beloved blues. Sorry, Im blabbing away here

mimi said...

and by the way, I'll be demanding ID at the bar before I serve. The banned, the insurgents and refuseniks will get free drinks today.

guitougoal said...

pipita,- I have two media luna then: full moon over the parador.

motm,-ask mimi to help you find some brain space with her 'space cadet" special:
2 oz gin, 3/4 lemon juice,3/4 simple syrup, orange slice,maraschino cherry-used to be"tom collins"

gg, offside,- do I have still the job,am I supposed to
close this filty joint every night...

file said...

do you serve rabbits in here?

MotM said...

Gitougoal - now that sounds enticing... Hasn't Sarko banned it yet?

Pipita - Rush had a terrible beauty.

MotM said...

Rabbit eh? Us Brits usually run a pretty strict apartheid between animals we eat and animals we cook, but the rabbit is in both categories. Do you stroke it or eat it? And does it know what happened to the tapir?

file said...

he says he's available for weddings, stag nights and circumcision and he fears that the answer to the tapir question may be internal

mimi said...

If you want me to stay and serve exquisite cocktails all night, and the possibly not-so-exquistite, but still interesting and tasty stew from the kitchen, you'll all stop talking about the tapir. Now, please.

pipita said...

Guitou

Im still wondering if you know what it is. Surely you do, you are so mundane. Just a little clue for the rest, even if they dont give a flying f...In Britain they still refer to it by its French name.......

GG
You dont sound drunk enough.. Are you aware the team you support won the league??

Mouthy
Terrible beauty??How can you use such a word to describe him. I can associate that with someone like kev keegan but thats about as far as I will go regarding any Anfield hero of the past

file said...

songs have been sung of his kind, they have been regaled for their mystical abilities, dandruff and super powers which probably just means they're a bit chewy

file said...

do you do Thunderbird, for the rabbit? If not he'll have Ray and Nephews overproof and a slippery nipple for myself please barkeep

mimi said...

file: you haven't shown your id yet, and a bit more respect for the hard-working denizens of this tavern, please. Barkeep just doesn't cut it here.

gg said...

file,
of course we serve rabbits, as long as they're polite to our other paying guests.

I'm still hoping that Marcela will bring Bugs Bunny along to read us some Argie poetry.

gg said...

pipita,
I'm not drunk enough!

I had a few yesterday to celebrate, but I was too tired to get properly drunk - on Saturday I did a marathon gig with our steel drums band.

I have to stay in fair shape - I've promised to sing Freddy Fender's "Before the Next Teardrop Falls" for Bluedaddy if he turns up tonight, and I'm counting on you singing the verse in Spanish together with Marcela and Paulita.

file said...

er..slippery nipple please your honour?

the rabbit says he'll have a warm gin then and a water for Harvey

id? I'll get my tailor to send it over

thought gg said something about a free bar...

file said...

bugs bunny reading argie poetry, sounds great, my lot will love it

my brother once saw elmer fudd reading walt whitman he said it was very good

guitougoal said...

pipita:to be honest I have no clue, offside is the ever thirsty dude-i guess i am not as mundane as you think-more like the drunken bum.
you may try French 75:gin, lemon juice, top with champagne, lemon twist.
Have a taste.
speaking of drinks,
once again I may have embarassed marcela wiith my post on her thread-regarding cold coffee-didn't like the taste of its blend at all.

file said...

apparently he read from Weaves of Gwass; Wong, Too Wong; O Wand

got rave reviews

gg said...

file,
Bugs Bunny is my pet name for the one that got away - Mascherano. I'd have loved to see turn out for the Red Devils.

Don't worry about Mimi - she's just peeved by my having it off with Gretchen Sidebottom.

file said...

ah the penny drops, maschereno, carrick, hargreaves and an ever more demented Paul Scholes? that would be looney tunes

hope you got her bottom the right way up

mimi said...

I'm not peeved, just haven't found the right website yet to post the pics of you and Gretchen. I think I said before, drinks are free to insurgents and refuseniks, and card-carrying members of the Rob Smyth Appreciation Society.
I have to get back in the kitchen now, as whipping the chef has not yet led to the production of an interesting Tasmanian stew. Might need some help ....

file said...

i would have been a refusenik, I was a natural, but they asked me to sign up...

I'm sure that whipping the chef is very good exercise for all but please be careful not to curdle the cream, me rabbits very particular about his grass stroganoff

file said...

gg,

I would have thought that an Aaron Lennon would on your shopping list

file said...

gg,

I would have thought that an Aaron Lennon would be on your shopping list

file said...

this is a quiet spot isn't it?


even the posts get echoes...oes

mimi said...

Aaron Lennon was on the shopping list. That's why he's in the stew tonight. I'll not whip past curdling point, but chef needs to get busy in the kitchen. I can't be in 2 places at once. Who's next?

gg said...

I'd rather not speculate on transfer targets - as soon as we do, they end up either at Stamford Bridge or in Mimi's cauldron.

file said...

mimi,
Harvey says you've got beautiful eyes, are they real?

file said...

gg

well thats understandable then, who should Chelsea get in, McChortle? he would be probably make for a very nice osso bucco

mimi said...

osso bucco: no need for any contributions. I've already got Boris Becker's knee simmering in the pot.

mimi said...

And as none of the musicians have turned up yet, I've just put on some Einsturzende Neubaten on the kitchen juke box, so the stew is bubbling along to the sinister sounds of Halber Mensch and Seele Brent.

file said...

well I hope it was well plucked

he had a very hairy knee did Boris

file said...

not personally aware of Einsturzende Neubaten, is it dark and sticky, does it have mushrooms in?

mimi said...

EN are very deeply dark, so I'm sure that mushrooms will feature in the Boris Becker stew. I'm wondering whether to include a bit of Henman backbone in there, but not sure there's any to be found! These questions though should be addressed to the chef. I'm just writing the specials on the board and pouring the drinks - oh, and checking the id's. Did I mention there's a special offer for members of the Rob Smyth Appreciation Society?

guitougoal said...

aron lennon?....you guys need some spice, some salt and pepper... mimi be quiet, the salt is not for the stew, I am talking about carlos Tevez. Carlito would be perfect for manutd....

file said...

do you have to pass a test or anything for that what-was-it society special offer?

file said...

guito

he surely would, he's playing like De Canio on Angel Dust at the moment

still think he looks like a character from Opus Dei

pipita said...

GG
I'll sing along with the girls. It shall be an honour. Hope you find our argie pronounciation, porteño to be more precise, fit for the ocassion. By the way, Im really happy manu won, I enjoyed watching them a lot this season. More champagne for professor Greengrass, Ingrid!!!!!!Cheers

Guitou: Media luna=half moon= Croissant, mon ami

gg said...

guitou,
ssssshhhh!
Tevez is one of the players I'm keeping tight-lipped about.
With him at Old Trafford, people would think even Rooney is good-looking.

My shout, Offy!
A dozen pints of off-topic, please, Mimi - and let the others have what they choose.

mimi said...

Any one want a bit of burnt soul with their drinks? I'm whispering as the whip lashes: an der steele meiner seele, meine seele brennt.
Too much spanish been spoken here abouts, just trying to level the playing field for the northern climes.
Sehnsucht.

file said...

wirklich ich bin ein auslander da, haben sie Rubber Soul?

MotM said...

I haven't heard Einsteuzender Neubaten since I poured over the NME trying to deciper Ian Penman and wondering if Paul Morley wrote really well or just really long.

And it's still too soon!

I'll have the Sir Alex Special to go with another Boddington's and one of Gitou's chasers. "Sir Alex Special"? Portuguese Man of War on toast.

MotM said...

I played Rubber Soul all through the other night. Like Pet Sounds, I'm always surprised by exactly how brilliant it is.

mimi said...

Catch up guys: it's Trashmuseum on the juke box now, and the stew is ready to serve: remnants of (hic, sob) my tapir - well not that he was ever mine really - but the GU tapir, plus Boris's knee, Tim's backbone and a bit of Murray spice.
any takers for a delicious serving with sprinklings of aaron lennon and a special serving of Jose humiliation alongside?

guitougoal said...

-where is offside,? he started the showdown with cold coffee, once again, I jumped the guns, now i am running out of breath on moral philosophy...another drink please..

file said...

it's ages since I've heard Pet Sounds but BB's are cool and froody

Harvey thinks Nowhere Man is about him and he always sings-a-long 'Nowhere Rabbit, don't worry
Take you're time don't hurry
Leave it all till somebody else lends you a hand...'

so, don't wait for him in when it comes to the washing up

btw, we'll have 3 bowls, some fresh gooseberry jose and a thermometer please your honour

ericverschoor said...

Marcela...your wishes are my command.
I have posted a comment with the match report you requested on the Lavolpe thread. Please check it out.

mimi said...

Would you like a bit of Have a Nice Day with your bowls of stew?

file said...

some Have A Nice Day would be good thanks but not too much, it gives the rabbits wind

pipita said...

Mouthy
Now your talking...Rubber Soul is sublime and "Norwegian Wood" is the one that will always stando out, but probably Revolver is the numero uno, non?? Just have to remember that "oh" that preceeds "Taxman" to remember how brilliant that entire record sounds. And that photo at the back with the fab four all wearing sun glasses...

Mimi
Fancy a media luna?? Dont think its very appropriate to eat along with one of your cocktails, but great to dip into ones coffee, only make sure its not cold

mimi said...

pipita: tell me the details of the media luna. I'm sure we can work it on to the Specials Board.
I'm surprised no-one has presented their Rob Smyth card yet. You know he's a sweetie.

guitougoal said...

gg,you mean you don't want Tevez? o.k then let's Arsene have him....you'll pay the price next year.

gg said...

Did I say we didn't want him?

pipita said...

No, GG said having Tevez at Manu would make Rooney appear as good looking...Regardless of their looks, just imagine those two playing togethter...

Mimi
Media luna is like a croissant but smaller and more tastier, in my opinion. Very popular down here. I suggest to have it with either coffee or "mate", in latter case, it would be approproate to have some Atahualpa music in the background and Professor Greengrass lecturing on the talents of this Argentine folk maestro. Suppose the pakalolo can be passed along in the process as well

guitougoal said...

I am affraid just of the thought of it.......why do you think gg is being so shy,is the enemy watching us.?

ericverschoor said...

Hate to parachute into your tavern.

Need to know what Pakalolo is...
Do I need ID for it?
Will it show up in my Sunday League antidoping test?

ericverschoor said...

I ment hate to disturb you by parachuting into your tavern....

mimi said...

Enemy, what enemy? Surely we are all friends here?
I've just changed the juke box (though we're still going for german noise-meisters in the kitchen) but I think we'll have some jolly antipodean sounds in here: the Triffids.

pipita said...

Eric

Check out Pseuds article entitled "Reverse angle. match report from the other hemisphere" by Offside, 30 March 2007. That will answer your question...

pipita said...

Guitou
Can you explain this to me please. Its all a bit disjointed, cant really understand my role in that team:

Marvindreamteam -Marvin Gaye- coach:Miro
cheer leaders:marcela, mimi
Ebren MoTm Nesta Duncan halftime drinks:guitou

Bluedaddy Extraordinaryvamp
Lovingu

Pipita Paulita
---------------------------0-----/---------------------------------
/ X
X X / X
offsideinTahiti
X X

X X X X


- X -
Maradona team

[Offensive? Unsuitable

pipita said...

By the way, is Marvin Gaye none other than Hannibal by any chance??Sorry my ignorance but think Im missing a lot by not having internet at home

MotM said...

Pipita -

Rubber Soul or Revolver? Federer or Woods? Picasso or Cezanne?

A lifetime isn't long enough to decide...

mimi said...

Rubber Soul, Federer and Picasso. That's my pick, but I'm only the barmaid, so what do I know?
Triffids or Go-Betweens? Cave or Iggy Pop?
Anyone fancy the Becker knee stew - we could always add a bit of tropical feast in there - if Offside brings in some specials.

pipita said...

Mouthy
Federer or Woods???????? Thats a dodgy comparison

pipita said...

Cezanne and Revolver are my picks Im afraid.
I see you actually chose Federer...What about Jimmy Connors or Jack Nicklaus?? Bowie or Roxy Music?? Duncan Mckenzie or Beardsley?? Cilla Black or Lulu?? Okay, okay I'll stop here. Now, it definetly is time to pass the pakalolo, where the hell is Offy

guitougoal said...

Pipita, yes I know the lay out was all messed up once I posted it..I picked an argentinian front -line to benefit from river-bocca, with offside in the center...but he moved offside right from the start-

mimi-enemy it's a terminology for reference to the opposite team and gg I am sure understood the allusion-

gg said...

pipita -
yes, it must be very confusing.

There's a lot of schizos on here. Once I was Greengrass, then Ofhome, then BackintheBuilding, then I'llBeBuggeredifICanRemember.

Now LovingU

gg

mimi said...

Did I not say I needed some ID? Who knows are these types who reside here? Very hard for me know. You all come in, looking so handsome and so fine, what is a girl to do?
I'll serve you your drinks. I'll flay offside in the kichen, but what more can I do?

pipita said...

Guitou

Ahhhh, I see Im up front with Paulita. Devastating argie front line...Offy was supposed to be the Raymond Kopa of the team by the looks of it.
Whatabout LovingU??-Yes GG I knew it was you-Is he the link between midfield and attack?? Me and Paulita should be expecting Offy's crosses and GG's through balls then..Is Marvingaye Hannibal then ?? Please answer

guitougoal said...

pipita, i had my share of explaining to do already on marcela's one hour ago, once you'ron the rope, you'r on the rope- you know the story about this famous rope and the 10 men--?

offside said...

*offside walks in, wearing black face mask, Rage against the machine t-shirt and a Man Utd scarf where the letters have been rearranged to read "NO PASARAN"*

*removing face mask - putting slingshot and stones down on the bar*

(shouting, towars kitchen)

Mimi! Large glass of rum and a whiplash, please! And we'll see if we can complete the trilogy later.

Hi all, sorry I'm late I was held up in a... meeting. Hey, nice to see some new faces in here, hello Eric and file, make yourselves at home, hmmmmmm, I see you have already. File, dearest, I've found the perfect cocktail recipe for you. It's called "Deceased Rabbit":

2/3 oz vanilla vodka
1/3 oz vodka
2/3 oz Midori melon liqueur
1/3 oz Sourz apple liqueur
2 oz soda water
2 oz Sprite soda

See if Mimi can mix it for you.

*slumps on bar stool - looks around*

So, what's up?

gg said...

Mimi -
a dozen Ségolènes for Offy, please, and a dozen pints of off-topic for me. I'm sure Sonny Liston - sorry, guitou! - would love some coffee, but it had better not be cold, and put a pint of Armagnac in it to take the chill off his chest.
And everyone else - the drinks are on Mourinho!
Pipita - read your mail, please!

mimi said...

(throwing all spirits into the shaker hoping to placate Offside). Ah so glad to see you here - hope you have the kitchen under control. Boris Becker's knee is simmering nicely and we have a bit of henman spine to add when the stew needs flavour.
We will discover flavour, twiceness. You ask the questions, you go out fighting, etc. Can I stop working now and just be part of the punters?

guitougoal said...

offside;"glass of something, barmaid!"
barmaid:"what kind of drink?"
offside:"I don't care, any drink'II do"
barmaid:"you don't want a drink, you really want this"
she said, moving her hands out sideways and looking down at her own body,"Thats what you really want."
"Yes" he said "thats what I really want.But I'll take a drink too."

offside said...

Mimi, forget the kitchen and come drink with us, i'm not hungry anyway, recent events have put me off my food (and I'm not crazy about eating or listening to anything German, by the way). I am very thirsty though.

*slaps gg on the back, hard*

So, Mr BraGGinrights, well done! Has it sunk in yet?

gg said...

Yes, Mimi, rest your weary bones - have a cat-nap.

The taps are open all night now that Mourinho is buying (with Roman's roubles, of course, unless the people of Russia reclaim them).

If any undesirables turn up, we'll just give them a glass of Sarkozy - that's enough to make anyone gag.

mimi said...

How can i belive in blind lies?
I'm walking out to look at the setting sun, and the weather is moving in.

pipita said...

GG

Oh dear, havent checked my hotmail for ages.Apologies. The suspense continues...Oooh la la, its Sarkozy on the rocks then. Offy, what kind of meeeting was that?? You obviously wanted someone to ask, so come on , out with it

gg said...

Offy, lad, it has sunk in and it feels good.

Even though I feel sorry for our Chelsea-loving comrades, I'm happy that Lord Wrigley and his "boys" have done us proud - it's great to stick one up Mourinho, Abramovic and Kenyon.

But they will be after us like the hounds of hell at Wembley, so I hope we'll have regained our form by then (O'Shea to score the winner
in the last minute of extra time, one penalty each after dives by Drogba and Ronaldo; Scholes and Terry sent of for incesstantly kissing each other).

Drink, for Dog's sake, drink!

offside said...

Guitou, don't talk like that, that will only attract Talishka and then I'll have too much on my hands.

Can we stop that German music and put on the Pogues instead?

guitougoal said...

gg, no sonny liston but sonny listener.

gg said...

pipita,
stay away from the Sarkozy: that's for undesirables like Galtieri and Thatcher.

talishka said...

mimi really loves her cats, don't she?
I saw her outside, crooning at ze moon, singing

"Cats on the rooftops, cats on the tiles, cats with syphilis, cats with piles,
Cats with their arseholes wreathed in smiles, as they revel in the joys of fornication"

offside said...

Oh Lord, it's cross-dressing night, is it? I have to say, greengrass dressed as talishka is one of the most disturbing sights ever. Mimi, pass the bottle, please!

ericverschoor said...

Dont mention Galtieri, the booze will run away in dispair!

pipita said...

GG
Yeah, Im well aware. Cant be like Galtieri though. Ohhhhhhh after evoking that I think I need some pakalolo real fast

mimi said...

Offy, old mate: you can stick on what ever Pogues you fancy. I'm fed up with being on the bar and am coming round to sit on a bar stool and just enjoy the evening. Last I put on the juke box was a bit of Fred's tunes. Rather like those, you know.

gg said...

Now you've done it, guitou!

Didn't Offy have problems enough already?

guitougoal said...

offside, don't stop the german music, it's enchanting me.The more I drink the more I love german music with drums.

guitougoal said...

gg, having his hands full is a problem for offy for one reason only: he can't grab another drink.

gg said...

(slurred voice, but formal)

guitou, I hereby decorate you with the Cross of the Bastille for your heroic battle against cafe froid.

Mon brave, you are a credit to democracy, to liberty, to fraternity,
to equality...

(falls over backwards, snores)

mimi said...

Nah, sorry mates. I can't find any more German music for you.
We have to go to Scottish stuff now at this time of night.
I've turned to JAMC, but guys, stuff some money in the box and we'll play any one else's tunes.

offside said...

Guitou, gimme that straw. Hey, presto, problem solved!

mimi said...

Look at me enjoying something. Isn't that the mimi you all love? when I'm happy now?
Where's Offside - he usually knows how to make the tribe have fun.

offside said...

I'm right here, Mimi, but today it's me who needs comforting and humouring.

mimi said...

And for what? I can stil be the comforting barmaid here.

file said...

ah...can we get some tissues over here?

file said...

the rabbits gone and sarkozzed all over everything

are you sure Boris Beckers knee was fresh?

guitougoal said...

gg snores....snores....easing himself carefully into the low chair his head to the side..."rrrr...premiership, championship,rrrrr... arivership,...".the clear-eyed girl, coming closer, smiling brightly at him, "not feeling well today?'-
"Oh I'm great" he said ,"this is just not my head I've got on now" "Elvis, gimme my head back"- "oh dear, oh dear" she said "do you think a drink would make you feel better"...and she walked away,alone...

mimi said...

go on then, tell me your sorrows, I'm a good listener. I have so much experience.

offside said...

Well, I don't know, must be something in the air. As if getting Sarkozy for 5 years wasn't bad enough, some idiot on Marcela's blog went and declared Hitler a genius. Makes you wonder...

guitougoal said...

file, leave some boris knees and sauerkraut for pipita - he'll be back soon with a good apetite from running his 10 laps around the bombonera-He is not taking lightly his Marvin Gaye dreamteam selection..

mimi said...

offy: i only wish I could share you anxiety, but as things stand, I am waiting for one person to turn up. I think he won't and I will make my walk again to the well, and you should ask me what I should wish of that sacred place tomorrow

guitougoal said...

offside , well once you started to put his head in a microwave, I just have to turn the heat on.....but for his credit, he did say he was sorry.....that was a relief because I was committed to greengrass him with the medal of horror.

duncan said...

Can't stay but Champagne For Everyone! And here's some crabcakes and baked oysters (angels on horseback). Oh and I put My Bloody Valentine on the jukey "Sometimes..." Maybe Scarlett J will be in later?

guitougoal said...

offside...hey, the good news,I finally get the philosophy football t-shirts....large and extra large.

file said...

guitou, is that how he reaches such heights?

the stew may be finished but I think some of rabbits sarkozz went in this bucket, perhaps it will do, it's largely undigested cruciate ligament and sweet, sweet patella marrow

I'm sure there must be a little spoon somewhere here...

mimi said...

I guess you lot have to explain how something's gotten into my heart.
Why do I play over here when I could enter into worthy and important debate elsewhere?
I've got to know if this the real thing
What is making my heart sing?

mimi said...

I guess you lot have to explain how something's gotten into my heart.
Why do I play over here when I could enter into worthy and important debate elsewhere?
I've got to know if this the real thing
What is making my heart sing?

guitougoal said...

rabitt sarkozz, i don't think the item was at the Fouquet's menu last night....I was not to impressed by his choice for a first diner in the city as a president....

offside said...

Duncan, champagne and baked oysters? Now you're talking! I'm feeling better already. And Mimi, there maybe worthy and important debate elsewhere but the warmth is here.

*kicks a sleeping greengrass hard in the kidneys*

Ain't that right, mate?

file said...

Fouquets used to be the bees knees non?

file said...

the bees knees on Les Champs D'Elyse

offside said...

It's just a grubby diner now, that's why Sarko (man of the people and friend of the proles) went there for his celebration.

file said...

don't worry m.offsid, it's always darkest before the dawn, he will eventually be sucked up into his own anal cavity, just hopefully before too many more 'summers of love' in les banlieues, even mme royal is not king canute

guitougoal said...

Duncan, I have the crab cake and your bloody valentine.
yap! same here, enough debate for today.

file said...

with friends like him the proles better have fire insurance

guitougoal said...

the fouquet's a new garcia palace is abramovitch favorite residence-most expensive hotel in the world-he also spent the night there.....cool statement for an humanitarian....

duncan said...

ah, nice to hear the excellent file over here as well!

guitougoal said...

gg, the futurisblue left the field to call his mama about building a newhouse since he learned that you are shitting bricks....you Mohamed Ali you!

offside said...

Duncan,

it's particularly nice of file to have brought his rabbit with him, yum.

file said...

duncish, thanks for the welcome, just read your Dock Ellis bio and it seems that this is verily a centre of excellence (and not in the sweet FA sense either)

m.offsid, we forgot to thank you for the cocktail, it was very...opaque, Harvey wants to know if it is named after him and is 'Nowhere Rabbit' on the juke box?

offside said...

Tell Harvey (I can't see him, but I know he's there and taking a lot of space) that I've just put Echo and the Bunnymen on the juke box for him.

Not many cocktails with "rabbit" in the title in my database. That was the best I could find.

Motm said...

Just popped in and enjoyed lapin up all the rabbitting that was going on whilst I was away.

Dear me, I'll get me coat.

file said...

Harvey is very happy with E and the B, he likes Dancing Horses, he'd also be happy with anything by Bob Dylan or Bunny Goodman

if he's taking up too much space in this bustling hostelry then just kick the rabbit out and Harvey will follow

be gentle with me lapin tho, remember he's mystic and is prone to visions

one time he dreamt he was swimming in a vat of fresh gooseberry jose, when he woke up he'd peed his hutch

we had to postpone delivery of Rabbit Brand Dental Floss for ages, we couldn't get the smell out and the girlie bunnies refused him rutting rights, it was a tense few days I can tell you

guitougoal said...

Rabbit songs: HEMrabbit songs- rabbit in the moon-
-Mustard rabbit
-la casserole de lapin.
the story of bunny goodman band and his delicious carots(vocal)
-quicky the rabbit lover

duncan said...

file, got any change for the jukebox? i look forward to reading something from tha'self.

file said...

d, theres summat, such as it is, int'post, not sure it'll get past the sniffer dogs mind, smelt a bit rank to me and it might leak

here's a sous for the juker, can you find 'Je ne regrette lapin' the original grainy Piaff version?

Will we always have Paris?

or Lou Reeds 'The last great american rabbit' or Bizets infamous 'Bunnyodore' aria

file said...

Tom Waites, 'The bunny has been drinking'?

duncan said...

How about the whole Donnie Darko soundtrack? Bunny on there.
Oh and her's some Bunny Wailer, and Chas n' Daves "Rabbit" ... yep, that's the one!

file said...

hey we could even watch Easy Rider with Dennis Hopper

file said...

alice cooper?

guitougoal said...

rabbit lionel , all night long.

offside said...

Just back from my rowing break. I have to acknowledge Mouth's attempt to wrestle the award for Worst Bilingual Pun from Guitou's grasp. Valiant try, but a long way to go yet.

guitougoal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
guitougoal said...

offside, mouthofthemercy, mimi lapin up, should get the bunny award of the month...

offside said...

OK, mouthofthemercibeaucoup gets the bunny award for today but I trust greengrass will be up soon and is well able to come up with something equally preposterous. If not worse.

gg said...

(snorts, clears throat, opens starboard eye, "sings")

Bunny, bunny, bunny,
Must be funny,
In the rabbit's world.

offside said...

See? Told ya. Like clockwork.

*leans over gg - pulls the other eyelid - glassy underneath - lets go*

gg said...

Dog above, the dreams I have these days!
I dreamed I was drinking cold coffee on Marcela's blog - you too, Offy.
But that is, of course, the virtual world, the world of my lapin-top.

How are things here - in the real world?

file said...

yeh, sorry about this, you think you have a single (corporeal) rabbit and suddenly there are millions of them, miximitosis chasers on special tonight?

gg said...

I think I'll have a hare of the dog that bit me.

file said...

ho ho, have you got a thumping headache?

file said...

dear bright eyes,
thai idiom 'pai ying katai' lit. to go and shoot a rabbit, means to see a man about a dog or even water the roses, lit. to have a pee

is Marcelas blog far from here?

offside said...

file,

it's definitely within clicking distance... hop.

Ebren said...

Harvey goes to the vet, complaining of a terrible headache and a temperature.

The vet asks him what he's had to eat lately.

"Well," said Harvey.

"For breakfast I had a toasted cheese and onion sandwich, and for lunch I had a toasted bacon sandwich."

"And do you think this might have had something to do with it?" asked the vet.

"Of course!" eurekad Harvey.

"I've been mixing-me-toasties?"

file said...

ebren, thanks for posting the piece but that was a truly hopless joke

off-sid, still backing the tortoise huh? can I burrow a velveteen dime from you brother?

Ebren said...

you think that was bad - try this on for size:

A man was driving along one day and he hit a rabbit. Feeling terrible he stopped and got out of the car to see if it was badly hurt. To his dismay, the rabbit was dead. Unsure what to do, the man runs to the nearest building, which happens to be a salon. He says to the hairdresser, "I've just hit and killed a rabbit in the middle of the road! What should I do?" The hairstylist thinks a moment, then says "I think I have just the thing." He grabs a few bottles from a shelf and runs out to the rabbit. Opening the bottles, he poured the contents onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit jumps up, shakes itself, looks around, then hops of. It went a few feet, then turned and waved, went a few more feet, then turned and waved again. This odd behavior continued untill the rabbit was out of sight. The man looked and the Hairdresser in amazement and says, "Wow! What did you do?" "Oh," the stylist responded, " I gave it a hair revitilisant with a wave!"

offside said...

Always backing the turtle, always.

Sorry, you wanna borrow what?

gg said...

Nesta,
where art thou?
Please bring a plague of snakes to devour these rabbits - today is Anti-St. Patrick's Day!

In future, a lame joke will be known as an "Ebren".

file said...

velveteen/brother rabbit, burrow borrow, bore

ou est la somelier? Il est toujour manque

gg said...

file,
he's not a Mancy!

offside said...

Velveteen? Mancy? What on earth are you talking about? Oh, I see, you're using English coz I'm foreign and I don't understand it..

Well, that's low, that is. I'm off to bed, that'll teach ya.

Professor Greengrass said...

Offy,
sorry about confusing you by using the only true language.

Someone suggested you were a "manque". I assumed they meant a "Mancy" - a native of Manchester - a reasonable assumption, since you were wearing a Red Devils scarf.

You should be overjoyed - and happy no-one suggested you were "manky" (dialect for "faulty").

I remain, as ever, a fount of knowledge and your esteemed colleague,

Professor Greengrass,
Department of Archeolinguistics,
Champions Road,
Old Trafford Campus,
Manchester

mimi said...

No-one in yet tonight? I though we might be throwing a banning party for guitou.
I'm even prepared to do another stint behind the bar, but please, no lapin jokes from ebren, ever again!

Zeph said...

Why Mimi, I thought you'd be lappin' those up!

Just popped in to say hello, can't stop - should be working.

Has Guitou really been banned? Or was it MarvinGaye/Hannibal/Oliver? Or are they the same person? Some of you guys have identities that breed like rabbits... That coldcoffee guy was pretty tedious though, should be on CiF, they like his sort there.

Offside, my condolences on the accession of M le President Sarcophage.

file said...

file shuffles into the empty bar, screen doors slapping then silence.

He looks around at the driftwood chairs and stained tables through the still smoky air; heavy with the thick love perfume of the gitane and mary-jane.

Ghosts of Sartre and Hemmingway, Rodin and Camille Claudelle linger hazily and fade, Miles Davis' laments hover and dissolve

The shaggy steppenwolf makes his way slowly through the sawdust and tapir droppings over to the raised and dusty wooden stage. A solitary spot still pricks the darkness.

His black cuban heels clip up the steps and echo as he walks into the light. A slow and lonely handclap marking out his time and his space.

He turns his pale face up and shakes the ragged fringe out of his red rimmed eyes. His lips crack and open wide for a crystal rising tenor

'My faith was strong but I needed proof
I saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew me
She tied me
To the kitchen chair
She broke my throne and cut my hair
And from my lips she drew the Hallelujah...'

and when he finishes the notes once more return to hide in a secret chord, his eyes are closed for a long time.

Then he drags himself back across this forgotten bar and out into the night

Zeph said...

Blimey.

gg said...

Don't worry, Zeph, we get all sorts in here.
Pint?

Ebren said...

Ebren sees stage, hastily removes tie, undoes top three buttons on shirt, cuffs, and affects his best pre-Raphaelite flounces.

In his eagerness to hog the spotlight he knocks over an attending de-frocked vicar and de-barred barrister while barrelling towards the stage in a cloud of sawdust.

Clears throat and...


One day a rabbit in drag
Sat up and picked up a bag
The bag it was seen
Held lemons and cream
It seem he was after a shag

Ithangyou

Exeunt Ebren, pursued by bear

Zeph said...

Just a very quick shot of off-topic, please, gg, ice and lemon.

I see Godwin's Law has been in effect over on GU. I think the Com Mod may be my next comedy character...

marcela said...

"I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool yah"

marcela said...

"...And even though
It all went wrong..."

marcela said...

er... sorry.
has anyone got a match?

offside said...

*lighting quick flick of the wrist - the Zippo's out, scratch, scritch - offside lights Marcela's spliff*

gg said...

(A voice is heard in the darkness of the bar. The accent is unmistakably Texan, from the vicinity of Old Trafford)

This one's for you, Bluedaddy, and all the Blues with the blues...

(A short Ry Cooder intro)

If he brings you happiness
Then i wish you all the best
It's your happiness that matters most of all
But if he ever breaks your heart
If the teardrops ever start
I'll be there before the next teardrop falls

(Marcela strikes a match to illuminate her face, begins to sing)

Si te quire de verdad
Y te da felicidad
Te deseo lo mas bueno pa'los dos
Pero si te hace llorar
A mime puedes hablar
Y estare contigo cuando treste estas

(Offside and his kangaroo sing a protracted "Aaaah" in Tahitian; Greengrass & Marcela harmonise)

I'll be there anytime
You need me by your side
To drive away every teardrop that you cried

And if he ever leaves you blue
Just remember, I love you
And I'll be there before the next teardrop falls
And I'll be there before the next teardrop falls

(A gaucho - El Gordo Jimenez - canters in on a sagging nag, grabs a bandoneon from the bar and extemporises a haunting solo, then rides out again. GG&M round off the
song)

I'll be there before the next teardrop falls

(They disappear in a cloud of pakalolo smoke)

Ebren said...

Ebren sees a gap, and like a Hoddle pass slides though it – casting his mind back to Sunday, his eyes to the heavens, and caution to the gale he opens his throat and


I heard there was a secret chord
That David Pleat played to the Lord
But Arsene, you doen't care for wingers do you
It goes like this, form first to fifth
Baptista fell and a major lift
Your fans sing out for fallen rivals, too true

Your back four was strong but you needed proof
Your stirkers couldn't shoot – the truth
No flair was there when Man U overthrew you
They beat you with a silken sword
Left you broken, champions floored
Your chin was high you cried out Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say he threw the game he's vain
But he doesn't even know the name
Of any English players, what's it to you
There's a turn pace in every turd
It doesn't matter what you heard
He's no Brazilian his touch puts the ball far from you

Hallelujah...

He did his best, it wasn't much
I his shot was poor, as to his touch
He fell in truth, he didn't come to fool you
And though for some it all went wrong
Sir Alex stood his fans in song
With a champagne on his lips, called Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well, maybe there's an FA cup
But far from fine that trophy sucks
And all know how to place their spot kicks past you
It's no complaint you hear that right
It's not a glorious Athens night
It's a new and shiny Wembley, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

mimi said...

ah, thank fuck some of you turned up. I thought I was going to be left alone all night explaining the velveteen rabbit to Offside!
Have we come to any conclusions about that other lot?

Ebren said...

Why bother explaining

Read it here

HannibalBrooks said...

Hey there .. what's goin' on?

Ebren said...

Hey HB - it seems to be some kind of music, poetry, pakaloko, and bad rabbit joke night.

offside said...

Come on, Mimi, it's your turn. Get on the stage and do that little dance routine with the thigh-high sharkskin boots and the whip.

HannibalBrooks said...

Haven't got time to hang around tonight, but just dropped in to say that I've been in email discussions with Mr Moderator and he's trying to get the bottom of who 'punnished me with brutality' over the end of last week.

He's up for a discussion on here with all of us to dsicuss and concerns we might have about the way GU censors and bans people etc.

If Ebren wants to email me I'll set it up with him tomorrow is you like.

Until then I'll leave you with my new favourite YouTube clip featuring the anthem for all Reds going to Athens ... you'll like this, but be patient, it all becomes clear soon enough.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPwVPvekM2M

offside said...

please?

talishka said...

ok who was pretending to be me last night?? Come on be honest.
Someone definately owes me a drink for that.
Last time i checked fraud was a crime!!

marcela said...

"and when it gets to the bit where the rabbit bites his own head off, i want you to throw the radio into bath..."

where's that distinguished french gentleman what drives so fast around beverly hills he has singlehandedly financed the erection of a town hall with his speeding fines? you know, the guy in the bow tie.

mimi said...

HB: hope you haven't left too soon. Bestest of luck for tomorrow - there'll be free drinks in the tavern all night, and no doubt unruly behaviour if our boys bring that cup back again.
Regarding GU - i'm very close to just saying what the fuck, let them get on with it. They've abused our best visitors, they've shamelessly nicked our ideas, and they've applied a totally different set of rules to others apart from us. So stuff'em.

MotM said...

Hannibal - Did you see that clip of the Kop singing She Loves You on Frank Keating's blog today. Sublime.

pipita said...

HAnnibal
Whats goin on, mate?? Have only been alerted about all this freakin GU banning business these last couple of days...Can tell you Im glad Masch is doing well despite it being at Liverpool, actually felt happy for him, therefore your team as well after they defeated Chelsea, never thought that posible

Marcela
You mean Guitou, aka Fangio??

Ebren
Where the heck is Andrewm??????Im starting to get worried

pipita said...

motm, Hannibal

What Beatles songs did the Everton fans sing?? Was Paul Macartney an evertonian?? Saw a picture of him entering wembley to see the toffees play the 68 cup final. Thought you mersey men might have a clue

mimi said...

Good point there. What ever happened to Andrewm? We knew he was being attacked by a small scottish kitten, and I think we once heard he'd survived that, but what since?
Scary - shouldn't someone do something to make sure he didn't go back another day and get eaten?
Or maybe he just hates us, and doesn't like the food, drink and company over here.

marcela said...

joan manuel fangio, strumming a guitah to machado's poetry...

caminante no hay camino, se hace camino al andar.

gg - don't let me sing. i'm totally tone deaf.

pipita said...

Mimi
You seem to be implying that because of that darn kitten poor ol andym is missing the pakalolo galore...My guess is he's stuck somewhere in Athens and has made some kind of promise that he's quitting blogging until after that darn final game

offside said...

On a side note, I think we've taken the "Talishka" character as far as it could go and maybe it's time to drop it. Just a thought.

MotM said...

I think Macca once laid claim to Evertonian status, but I don't think any of the Fab Four were committed to either of the Fab Two and would occasionally talk about Tranmere as a deflection.

I don't recall hearing any Beatles stuff at Goodison nor hearing of any association, unless you count the Plastic Ono's "All we are saying / Is give us a goal".

Some Beatles songs for football people:

Nowhere Man - Steve McClaren
Here, there and everywhere - Michael Essien
Please, Please me - Jose Mourinho
Ask me why - Sam Allardyce
Love me do - Cristiano Ronaldo
Do you want to know a secret - David Dein
I should have known better - Carlos Tevez
If I fell - Didier Drogba
Can't buy me love - Roman Abramovich
I feel fine - SAF
I'm a loser - Arsene Wenger
Help! - Andrei Shevchenko
Ticket to ride - Darren Bent
Yesterday - Leeds United Supporters Club

I'll leave Rubber Soul and later to you guys.

talishka said...

So nobody is going to tell me who was pretending to be me last night then?
Is there a portion of chicken on the menu tonight i wonder!!
Ok i will just sit quietly in the corner and will only speak when spoken too.

pipita said...

Marcela
That song !!!!honestly
zzzzzzzzz
sorry, the catalan has that effect on me

mimi said...

mouth: that musical list has just caused me to choke with laughing. I'd better move over to the kitchen and see what Offside is doing with the leftovers of the Boris Becker knee stew.

talishka said...

offside why do you want to drop me!! I thought you was my friend, what have i ewver done to you?

guitougoal said...

DEAN MARTIN:....here comes Dino.......taratataratata!

..Somewhere there is someone for everyone
somewhere there is someone for me
And I search my all life through
Until I find a blog but not gu.....

MotM said...

There's a place for us,
Somewhere a place for us.
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
Somewhere.

There's a time for us,
Some day a time for us,
Time together with time spare,
Time to learn, time to care,
Some day!

Somewhere.
We'll find a new way of living,
We'll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere . . .

There's a place for us,
A time and place for us.
Hold my hand and we're halfway there.
Hold my hand and I'll take you there
Somehow,
Some day,
Somewhere!

PJ Proby's version is the best - he sings all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right places.

guitougoal said...

DEAN continue:
somewhere there is someone for everyone.........
Though I may be lonely now
I see it through somehow
to someone the memories are not gone
.............lalalalala..............lalalalala.

marcela said...

ahhhh...
at last we meet again, monsieur le animateur.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wl7gfdDD_Bg

if i buy a cuppacwoffee round here are there any guarantees it will contain no pet bones?

offside said...

I don't know about pet bones, but there's certainly a lot of rabbit fur flying about.

guitougoal said...

marcela,
here comes gainsbourg:
je suis venu te dire que je m'envais
et tes larmes n'y pourront rien changer
comme dit si bien verlaine au vent mauvais
je suis venir que je m'envais
tu te souviens des jours anciens et tu pleures
tu suffoques tu blemis a present que sonne l'heure..
mais je suis au regret de te dire que je m'envais.........

«Oldest ‹Older   1 – 200 of 403   Newer› Newest»

Tweet it, digg it