While the variegated crew of Pseuds' Corner regular contributors have recently been contemplating their own and each other’s navels and discussing how best to capture the essence of the site in t-shirt or book form, some have expressed concern that there are interested - and, probably, interesting - readers of the site who never post a comment. Which is a pity.
To help anyone out there who is hesitant, we have assembled the following possible answers, so all you have to do it post the relevant letter(s) - how hard can that be?
I read Pseuds’ Corner but have not posted comments because:
a. I think you’re all a bunch of smug pretentious wankers and I only read the site so I can mutter abuse at you all.
b. I thought this was a porn site and am extremely disappointed.
c. I support Chelsea/Man U/Liverpool/Arsenal and you never write anything about my team.
d. I loathe all forms of sport and consider it a waste of time which would be better spent playing computer games.
e. I am usually too drunk.
f. I believe the internet to be the work of Satan.
g. I am on a 12-step programme to help me deal with my blogging addiction.
h. I work for Guardian Unlimited and am afraid someone will guess who I am.
i. I have not been able to think up a brilliantly clever pseudonym.
j. My partner has threatened to leave me if I post one more comment on any blog, ever.
k. I can’t work out how to post a comment: what do I click?
l. Frankly, I think most of your stuff isn’t worth commenting on.
m. I am waiting till after my gender reassignment surgery.
n. I am in a close personal relationship with a regular contributor and my comments might lead to distressing scenes.
o. Alien forces are preventing my comments from getting through.
p. I did post once, but nobody took any notice so I thought, well, sod you then.
q. I am in love with Marcela Mora y Araujo and am only hanging round the blog in the hope she posts a new photo of herself.
r. Whenever I try to post something, my boss walks past.
s. I do not speak English, French, Swedish or Spanish, Tahitian or Thai. Or Californian.
t. Every time I think of a good comment, some smartarse bastard gets there first.
u. My favourite sport is crown green bowling, and you never write about it.
v. I am supposed to be doing my homework.
w. I believe that some regular contributors to this site are leading decadent lives and setting a poor example to youth.
x. I am too busy writing poetry.
y. I read the damn thing - what d’you want, blood?
z. I am José Mourinho.