Monday, May 14, 2007

The Finest Established Permanent Floating Taproom on the Net - Zephirine

(with apologies to Frank Loesser, the composer of ‘Guys and Dolls’)

Scene: Cyberspace. With four-part harmony and feeling, a motley crew of Pseuds sing the following:

"GU's the best known in the land, but our friends keep on getting banned.
And they’ve now got a Com Mod in town, who’s even got Guitougoal down.
There's a 606 thing at the BBC, but the quality of the company’s in doubt,
And things being how they are, the site from the police station is out.
So the GU sports blog was the one, but even Nesta thinks it’s no longer any fun…

”Why, it's good old reliable Ebren, Ebren, Ebren, Ebren’s our man,
If you're looking for blogging, he'll give you a spot,
Even when the heat is on, it's never too hot.
But for good old reliable Ebren, oh there’s no need for you to fret,
He’s got the finest established permanent floating taproom on the net.
There are sports-mad bloggers everywhere, everywhere,
There are brilliant bloggers everywhere,
And a hit of pakalolo for the fellow who can get us there.
If he only had a GU of his own, he could be a millionaire.

”Oh the good old reliable Ebren, Ebren, Ebren, Ebren’s our man,
If your offtopic postings you want to increase,
He’ll let you just ramble on in quiet and peace,
In a hideout provided by Ebren, for the international set
It's the finest established permanent floating taproom on the net.
Where's the action? Where's the blog?
Gotta have the blog in the name of dog.
It's the finest established permanent floating taproom on the net.”


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Sky Masterton said...

Whaddayaknow - a drinking establishment that's open in working hours.

Prohibition ain't what it used to be.

Now sitdown, sitdown, sitdown, sitdown; sitdown stop rocking the boat.

And pour me a pint while you're at it.

Miss Sarah Brown said...

Good to see you, Sky!

And for anyone who can't remember the tune (or has never heard it), here's the original, sung by Some Men in Brightly Coloured Suits:

Nicely Nicely Johnson said...

Hey, looks like Zeph already linked to that in the italics bit at the top.

So have some of this...

Luck if you ever were a lady to begin with then stop rockin the boat

Zeph said...

Aha, that link was Ebren, being clever (not to mention reliable).

Today's lunch menu:

Mission soup (oxtail and onion)

Big Jule's Pizza
Casserole a l'Adelaide
High-roller steak with lucky salad on the side

Dolce de leche

Today's cocktail is the Cuba Libre:

- 2 oz light rum
- Coca Cola
- Lime wedge


nesta said...

I'll try again

Thanks for the mention zeph. All publicity is good publicity. Let me BUY you a Cuba Libre.

zephirine said...

Why thank you Nesta! We're missing you on the GU cricket blogs (such as they are).

nicely - That Japanese erm, person singing Luck be a Lady is extraordinary.

mimi said...

I've never seen Guys and Dolls - am I allowed in?

Ebren said...

click on the links and get up to speed then mimi - some cracking tunes - but you don't need to know the lyrics by heart to drink here.

Anonymous said...

no time right now. Catch you all later.

guitougoal said...

Zephy, oh zephy poet of the corner
On this evening, in the sunlight and forever
To the Pseud's you brought torrential light
Harmonic ectasy, fine vision, everything bright
They all beg you,! you should write more Zephirine
Noises of the city, being up-down, I need aspiririne.

Zephirine said...

Awwww guitou (blush), 'poet of the corner' I love that.

(sigh) If I'm so clever why aren't I rich?

nesta said...

Because you don't have to be clever to be rich zeph you only need to be organised and determined. Having a little avarice can help too.

Poet Laureate of the Corner.
Great title.

I say in the near future we produce a "best of the Psuedscorner' paperback to help people pass the time and make us all richer. And I am not kidding.

Being the Poet Laureate of the Corner zeph I can see marketing spin offs galore for such an important person.

Let's have a logo competition and I'll screen some T-Shirts to get us started.

After that we can post photos of people - namely us - wearing our Psuedscorner T-shirts at famous locations around the world. This will encourage others to buy a shirt and join the fun.

Now that's just off the top of my head but I'm sure there is a mastermind or two lurking around these pages that could in collusion with Prince Ebren make this and other exciting things happen. I'll throw my hat in now.

Send logos in jpg format and any other crazy marketing ideas to

if I don't receive any by the end of the month I'll design my own and become a pirate.

And you will be all be green with envy when I post an image of me resleplendent in eyepatch and my non-official Psuedscorner T-shirt surrounded by Emporer penguins on the Antarctic ice sheets.

Ebren can choose the winner and the prize is a free Tasmanian cotton tshirt in the colour of your choice with your own design printed on it.

Entries close 31 May.

file said...


starched white linen and lillies, crystal and silverwhaire

where's the spittoon?

is that the smell of willow and leather toasties coming from the kitchenette? Oh and I see you're showing that 'Barnets of the '70's' show with Bob Williless, Ian Bothofthem and Derek Vandall

it's a nice place you've got here zeph, if we can just shift those statues and that potted fern so as the pro-celebrity gravy-wrestling team can get set up...

Zeph Enterprises Inc said...

Nesta, I've certainly thought we should put together a collection of our best bits (as it were) - the only thing is that so many of them are linked to sporting events, so will be dated. Perhaps there should be a Pseudscorner Annual each year, on sale in time for Christmas? Required reading in all good sporting toilets...

Ebren, seriously, would we run into problems with Private Eye if we ventured beyond this blogspace? They did coin the term 'pseuds' corner' after all.

Poet Laureate
(I could get used to this)

zeph said...

Yeah, file, move the potted palms out of the way if you like, they're only an ironic art deco decorative motif.

But you have to mop up your own blood this time, OK?

file said...

I've had worse welcomes

file said...

if there is a copyright problem with PC then why not abbreviate it to F'ACK's?

marcela said...

couldn't agree more, zeph.

but will it not go to ebren's head?

file said...

you could have
F'ACK daily's, weeklies and annually's
F'ACK Footballers, F'ACK Cricketers, F'ACK Female Tennis Stars
F'ACK Off Piste Skiing....

marcela said...

although... just caught up with some previous entries and reading motm's piece followed by nesta's superb counter-article i have to put all worries about ebren's ego spiralling out of control and raise my glass to him and the floating taproom.

for f'ack's sake.

file said...

F'ACK Online and F'ACK Offline

sorry zepherine, poet laureate to the gods, muse of muses [deep curtsy] am I lowering the tone?

zeph said...

Marcela, Ebren's head will never get too big while Margin's around (see other thread).

z said...

file, guitou said 'poet of the corner', not of the palace...

Put your feet up and have another Cuba Libre.

file said...

thanks, shlip down quite eashily these don't they?

's a good idea about the compilation of submitted stuff though and what about setting up an editorial team to hash out ideas for commissions?

mimi said...

OK - haven't had time to learn Guys and Dolls off by heart yet, but glad to know I can still join you for a drink. May I bring a friend? Some of you may recognise the Jamster from another session in the Taproom.
anyway, assuming we are welcome - a comment re the Best of. It was suggested ages ago, when we were young, and England still had the Ashes, that GU should do another Is it Cowardly? with some blogging as well. But then Harmy bowled that ball, and well, all went south!
I think it would be fun to do a Pseuds Annual - we perhaps would need to start with the haiku experience!

zeph said...

Hiya Mimi and small furry friend -
I'm not surprised if it has been suggested before. There was a suggestion on here of 'writing to a brief' as well, wasn't there?

Wouldn't want to lose the whole unstructured baggy amiableness of the present pseuds', though.... maybe at a point in the year we should all nominate 'best bits' and then some muggins could get it published. Hmm... what to do for money... this is where we came in..

byebyebadman said...

Why the concern - are Private Eye litigious? :)

A Pseuds' Corner annual is a great idea - given some of the tosh I've seen commissioned lately, this will be a very easy sell!

nesta said...

I just checked and Pseudscorner is not a registered trademark in Tasmania, zeph.

It will be tomorrow. If the people at this corner are too timid to pursue a few ways to make it pay, I'll sell the copyright to Private Eye for a profit.

International copyright is a murky world which I've had some experience in and there are many methods of counteracting and deflecting the oppressor. Like changing the F'ARKing name.

Pretending to locate physically in the South West Wilderness of Tasmania is a good strategy. My friends get lost in the bush when they visit, Fat chance any suits would locate me. Those city boys in their expensive suits give up very easily. And my Irish Wolfhounds are trained to attack and then eat strangers.

I understand that in your exalted position as Poet Laureate that commerce is beneath you but you quoted Dylan on another thread.

His words ring true. In your job as wise wordsmith you have awoken the ancestral bushranger in me. You wrote,

"Steal a little and they throw you in jail
Steal a lot and they make you king"

Being a Tasmanian royal with an uncle who is a QC I've been advised to make money first and deal with the law later. So far it has been a winning strategy. Most litigation is plain old bullying and they back down fast if you stand and fight with a QC in your corner.

Captalism's rules demand that that's the way you play the game. And that's all it is a simple game. Once understood it is as easy as A,B,C to earn some credits.

Now it's my shout. The King is buying. Do you take Royal Tasmanian Express Cards in this joint? Drink up Cuba Libres all round.

And F'ACKS is an inspired name I'm registering that one too.

And if we are to have a publication of any sort we will need to raise the funds for the first edition. So send in your best logos. Or publish another scheme.

And answer this question for the Corner's market research department.

Would you part with some hard earned for an exclusive pseudscorner T-Shirt with fabulous logo?

Don't just answer yes or no but give a reason.

My answer.
YES because I will be the only person in Tasmania with one and the official pseuds correspondent authentification certificate and press card that are included will get me into the cricket for zip next season as part of the International press contigent.

Now lets get the ball rolling it's your turn to answer.

guitougoal said...

"fack off and fack on line"
the matter of fack you are "more on" topic than last saturdays night bandy legs inn when the therapeutic special session ended with tart on the menu.
Which remind me of the onion tart a la geoffrey chaucer:
'now we had hear from every which one
of our fellowship with receipts to tell but one"
from Kafka's Soup (recommanded by Marcela)
am I a good fellower or not?

zeph said...

Commerce isn't beneath me, Nesta, I'm just crap at it!

byebyebadman said...

I was on a copyright course in London last week funnily enough, and most publishers' preferred method is to put something out there then hide under a big blanket and hope no-one ever finds them. It's positively foolproof.

If we put this out on a low print run I'm sure we'd slip under the radar...but what happens when the word-of-mouth cult following gets out of control and we're exposed? A risky business...

nesta said...

Poets shouldn't have to worry about money. They should be allowed to spend their time at the Pub wearing a funky Tshirt musing, debauching and pondering all day and all night.

mimi said...

byebye: I take back an earlier remark where I accused you of working in Dicts Dept. You are obviously in Finance! Andy Wigmore???

mimi said...

Oh and I'll have a large Cuba Libre please, and a small bowl of sesame seeds for the Jamster.

zeph said...

Well, we haven't got enough for a book yet, so we'll all have to keep on writing :)

Nesta, you're inspirational!

nesta said...

Well bye bye if that fortunate event happened you'd have enough cash to either pay them off or fight to keep the moniker. Foolproof. Or you could just invent an original name to begin with and avoid all the hassle.

In 6 hours I will be the owner of the Australian trademark for pseudscorner and F'ARK. I've already filled out the forms. All I have to do is pay $80 at the counter and they are my property under Australian law for 5 years and onwards if I pay the fee again.

If we print the books in Oz then the law would be on our side. To get around other countries copyright laws you sell them through Amazon and let the individual country's customs department worry about the rest. Of course they wouldn't give a shit about a few books with a dodgy title, they have far more pressing concerns.

All this Worry about about a combination of 13 letters is energy wasted.

F'ARK the oppressor.

marcela said...

and f'ark copyright law, surely?
isn't there some US based guru of new communications who is against ownership of information or similar?

must brush up on my knowledge of these matters.

guitou, hello! :) have you seen steven wells GU blog on puma 77 and the guillermo vilas campaign? maybe you would like to post a comment? if not there - here? interestingly, wells himself posted a comment on his own thread demanding the editors re-insert the edited out bits from his piece... relevant on so many levels!

zeph, i'm slowly catching up with all the missed threads. margin on ebren on ebren's thread or margin on ebren on margin's thread? either way, couldn't find anything that will limit growth of ebren's head. but as i say, we're drinking to him tonight.

guitougoal said...

Faculty mate. does it sounds like:
FACK ULTIMATE...with the Tasmanian accent?we may trademark that too.
btw,what the QC?

file said...


unfortunately I only ever manage to achieve on topic on off topic threads

yes, where is that onion tart?


being an old weed and a late bloomer here to boot, I'm now frantically f'acking the midnight oil

don't bother with the f'acking royalties just sidle me some shares, ok?

[ebren nods enthusiastically from the corner!]

zeph said...

Marcela, I meant Ebren's Silver Team thread, Margin and andrewm having a good assertive discussion, no grovelling there!

Nesta, there's no stopping you... I saw a bit about Tasmania on TV last night, it is beautiful isn't it?

guitougoal said...

hello Is marcela,
gu moi? merci beaucoup je ne peux pas-I just added an additional 2 cts to motm outstanding piece about olympics and flagships, and I am off the mac.
Is steve wells still coming for beck's thing? I will definetely read the villas/puma77...

nesta said...

Does any one want to buy I F'ACKing pseudscorner T-Shirt? The advertising exec tells me that they make the wearer stunningly attractive especially after several glasses of Cuba Libre.

byebyebadman said...

The free culture foundation are all round good eggs, I'm sure they'd have our back

finance, mimi? Eurgh, the very thought!

nesta said...

It is more than beautiful zeph it is mostly untouched. A third of the island (my bit) is protected as a World Heritage Area. The air and water are pristine and the food only travels a few kilometres before it's on your table. If you ever work out this commerce thing and make it over I'll show you around. We don't advertise the best spots to the tourists we keep them for ourselves. We are also a humble and simple folk without pretension. Being of pioneering stock most of us have skills in making something from nothing. It's essential for survival when you live on the edge.

file said...

I can see it now

a black and white picture of Richard Williams photoshopped onto a grainy old news pic of the st.valentines day massacre and scrawled across the top in dripping blood is 'F'acking Pseuds'

not sure if I'd buy one for me daughter but if you give me a box I'll shift 'em...

file said...

although, come to think of it, some folk may think that a sporting motif would be more appropriate

zephirine with a high green mohican, bondage trousers and a black string vest coming out at Lords with the words 'f'acking pseuds' burnt into her bat


file said...

nesta, that does sound nice, as it happens we're looking at the Yukon for our next hop

mimi said...

Nest: I'll have a T-shirt if someone will feed the Jamster.
Byebye: that reaction to Finance seems to have stood down the years. I am heartened in the extreme. How about the shudder and cold feeling down the spine you get when I mention Human Resources?!

mimi said...

Marcela: nice to see you here tonight. To intrude on the margin, andrem, ebren on the other thread would surely be just rude? They seem to be having such fun!

byebyebadman said...

Eesh, Human Resources...the very phrase goes through me. Who views human beings as resources? Honestly!

MotM said...

Marcela and I (and some others) have a mutual acquaintance in Mark Perryman of Philosophy Football who make T-shirts see

I could ask him for a price for a run of say 50 to our own design. It's Mark's business so I would expect him to make a profit, but he's no capitalist running dog and I think it would appeal to him.

What think you fellow pseuds?

MotM said...

I love the phrase Human Resources - is there a better match of descriptor to function in the English language?

byebyebadman said...

'What, you mine human beings?' Bill Hicks, after finding out one of his audience worked in HR.

Would definitely float that t-shirt idea past him motm - was just thinking I haven't bought any new clothes in a while...

mimi said...

Mouth: should you not be busy with marking? Or are you whipping up a trade amongst the students for the purchasing of Pseuds T-shirts? Add a couple of dozen innocent youngsters and you could put the print run of the shirts into the next economic level!

marcela said...

mouth -
were you at the offside pub on april 27th?
(hello, mimi. hello everyone...)

offside said...

I'll have a t-shirt, because I love you all and I'd be proud to be associated in any way with this particular bunch of people, writers, thinkers, poets, and cyber-punks.

On top of that, I'm going to France for a couple of months soon, and it's still too chilly in the evenings for just the loincloth.

I've been having connection problems for the past couple of days and so haven't been able to comment on the latest threads, which I've just read and find absolutely brilliant. Congratulations everyone.

Love from Moorea.


mimi said...

offside: when you're in France, can you make sure you get lots of lovely fresh sunflower seeds for the Jamster: it's hungry and no-one is feeding, so some nice fresh seeds from France would be a fine thing.

MotM said...

Marcela - I wasn't there on the 27th as I was busy being a parent, but friends were. A good night I understand.

Had I been there, I would have shyly introduced myself and sought out fellow pseuds in that strange place called the real world.

MotM said...

Mimi - Your right. I should be reading dissertations on Kung Fu movies and essays on Lee Miller and Muhammad Ali (separate essays, even Lee wasn't that eclectic).

But it's too much fun to hang about in the Taproom.

PS. Didn't Jamster bring us the Crazy Frog? I believe at dawn at Maccha Piccu (is that right?) a party were communing with nature when a phone call was received and said frog ringtone rather spolied the moment.

zeph said...

The real world.. ah, yes.. I remember that...haven't been there for a while.

marcela said...

Machu Pichu.

So you're mates with Mark, Mouth?
I managed to get Guitou to buy Camus t-shirts already.

Pseud's Corner t-shirts i think should be themed around favourite sporting moments. Rather than slogans, goals.

I saw a t-shirt in Buenos Aires tracking Maradona's 2nd goal against England and that was cool, but I now have Cambiasso's goal against Serbia and Montenegro framed. I was thinking the other day, that would be K-ool on a t-shirt.

Have no idea what a cricket-wicket-over-innings would look like as a chart or diagram, but that's my suggestion.

F'acking Fave moments!

Mark could be in on it, sure. I'm hoping he will blog for GU soon. Perhaps he will blog for Pseud's too? Why not ask him Mouth. You are after all, a contributing editor. Now all we need is Swells posting here...

It's a small world, but i wouldn't wanna paint it...

Anyone know Kafka?

mimi said...

Mouth: f'wishct! Is there already a Jamster in the universe? I thought I had the one and only sleeping on the settee tonight!
Bugger. We thought it was original. Just shows how out of the moment I am. But then you'd all know that from the tunes I pick on the offgrass/greenside jukebox.

byebyebadman said...

A couple of years ago someone made a painting of Cliff Thorburns 147 at the crucible in 1983,using dotted lines to track the movement of every ball and every shot (all 36).

Someone more artistic than me could surely do the same with Cambiasso's goal. the beauty really is in the detail -

3 - maximum number of touches any Argentinian player takes whilst in posession the ball.
9 - number of players involved in the move.
24 - total number of passes in the move (four by Mascherano, Sorin, Riquelme and Rodriguez, three by Cambiasso, two by Saviola, one each by Crespo, Ayala and Heinze - the most socialist goal of all time??)
58 - number of seconds between Argentina winning the ball back and Cambiasso scoring.

Nearly a year on, still one of the most amazing things I've ever seen on a football pitch.

Other moments - Tardelli's face? Maradona's face against Greece even? Got to love those raw displays of emotion!

mimi said...

The most raw display of emotion that I can instantly bring to mind was Ian Robertson doing the commentary on the Rugby World Cup. As Jonny took that last kick, Ian almost had a coronary! It is still a wonderful bit of radio commentary - and if I was a bright spark, I'd be able to give you the link (on Pseuds) to my Radio Commentary piece. But I can't because technology is intrinscically boring, whereas emotion is utterly thrilling. And anyway, if you're interested you can do a bloody search!

MotM said...

I wouldn't say mates yet with the one man sporting empire that is Mr P, but getting there I hope!

I've mentioned this place to him, but I'll think I'll send this thread as there's only one thing worse than being talked about etc etc.

These things are so subjective - I didn't rate the Cambiasso goal. Serbia and Montenegro didn't seem too bothered to me and it was their last tournament as a married couple - looked like the divorce was well underway and Argentina just went in and pinched the silverware while S and M were arguing about the CD collection.

A great sporting moment on a shirt is good - but I'd like James Hunt with a fag in one hand and a drink in the other and "World Champion" as the slogan. Bit Anglocentric, but captures some of the essential insoucience of the pseuds.

BBC's Inside Sport have just introduced a Beckham item with Gil Scott Heron's "The Revolution will not be televised" - fairly cool, I'd say.

byebyebadman said...

I've never got off my feet like that for a goal scored in a game where I wsn't supporting either me it's almost chillingly perfect. (Incidentally Mimi, caught it in Jude the Obscure on a lunch break!)

Think they used that on some nike commercial once motm - quite depressing! AND they then followed it up by using Instant Karma to soundtrack some super rich basketball players.

MotM said...

Nike - Yeah. I think they did.

I liked Robbie Earle's header for Jamaica in 2002. That got me off my chair.

marcela said...

' "The revolution will not be televised."
It will be downloaded.'

i read that in a GU thread months ago.

zeph said...

Damn, wish I'd written that.

offside said...


too pragmatic and not poetic enough for you.

Zeph said...

Offside, you there? I thought you were disconnected. It's getting to that time of night when we all go off to bed and leave you in charge.

offside said...

I'm back. And I'll be keeping an eye on things, provided my provider provides the expected service and doesn't act up again.

You can go to bed safe in the knowledge that I won't let anyone go off-topic on that lovely thread of yours.

Zeph said...

Nope, he's gone.

Well, if you pop back in Offy, there's a jug of Cuba Libre on the bar, so you can drink a toast to Ebren.. if you get bored you can sing the song too.


Zeph said...

Oops, crossed threads!

It's all yours...

guitougoal said...

are you guys playing hide and seek?it's way past your age.what about drinking till we drop.

offside said...

Well, it's not just me then. If Guitou is here to keep me company, we can play drinking games until the cows come home.

I mean, until the bloggers return in the morning.

guitougoal said...

This is the right time to go to the left this bottle of languedoc cabernet from last you care for a glass?

offside said...


aAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa1``56789OIKJMN ,\a said...

=-p0oil bn6tg4e2wq1qa

offside said...

Oc means "oui" in langue d'oc, in case any one is puzzled.

And there's no need to punch the keyboard like that.

guitougoal said...

offside:may be somebody from march is trying to tell us something.

offside said...

Or maybe Mimi forgot to lock up the hamster for the night...

guitougoal said...

from the planet Mars not from the month...sorry-
btw I thought the poetic tribute to Ebren by Zeph was great and very thoughtful.Sometimes we are so deep into the booze we forget the host...

guitougoal said...

about zeph, (redunduncy is my specialty), her timing is good because few days or nights ago 2 or 3 of us had to face a moment of truth where that fine line between control and disaster can be crossed with just the wrong word...everything stayed loose and cool and zeph came to the rescue, thanks to her this merry tavern is not a sad hotel-

offside said...

Indeed, Guitou, good call.

*Unsteadily raising an overflowing glass of Cuba Libre - swaying slightly - looking like he's about to burst into song*

To Ebren!

For providing a home and shelter for us, the reject, the banned, the cyber-bums, the homeless of the web.

A place where we can drink our fill in long draughts of wisdom and nonsense.

An inn where we can feast on words and ideas and serve our own, half-baked or overcooked, to share.

A speakeasy, open 24/7 for an international rabble of insomniacs, sleepwalkers and jetlagged souls.

A beggars' palace, cour des miracles, rehab center for the blog-addicted...

*the ghost of greengrass lays a gentle hand on offside's arm - whispers in his ear*

- "it's alright, lad, I think he's got it. Drink up now."

offside said...

*offside fills himself another glass - downs half of it in one gulp - refills - raises it*

To Zeph!

Corner Poet Laureate and...

*ghost of greengrass rugby-tackles offside to the ground - puts hand over his mouth*

guitougoal said...

oh boy, offy you get me crying..hick.!...hick...! where is gg? hick!..we came tgether, he parked illegally and intentionally in the loading make sure we get loaded..and he is gone.

file said...

[there's a scuffling in the rafters, some dust falls, a hatch opens and files sticks his head into the hole]

o ebran, o ebran, o eeeee
without you where would we be?
o ebran, o ebran, o ooooo
we'd be f'acked if it wasn't for you

[hatch closes, sounds of Goldie Hawn giggling above]

guitougoal said...

o file o file o eeeee
Without you where would I be
o file o file o ooooo
I would be so happy without you

guitougoal said...

more giggling from goldie....

file said...

o guitou, o guitou, o geeee
truly sorry you're happiness depends on me

guitougoal said...

o file o file o, o oui
from you and a glass of whisky

goldie's voice from above said...

file, darling!?

Come back up here, I'm getting restless.

Oh, and do bring your French friends, they sound awfully nice.

file said...

o guitou, o guitou, o stuff that it was never a very interesting structure in the first place

Irish, Islay or Malt would be nice
Naked and wrapped around ice

file said...

ils sont pas gentie, goldie, ils sont des vilains and chevelus en plus

guitougoal said...

guitou to goldie:"oh thank you maam....nice to meet you."-looking at a metal pole thinking it's goldie-
"I have to kiss the host",guitou stumbling toward the pole:
-next thing we hear it's a huge crash.

offside said...

Ha! Chevelus! Guitou, did you hear that? Hilarious!

(Admittedly, it would be more hilarious if we could post pictures)

guitougoal said...

chevelu, che veux bien, but
2mn ago there was a mosquito in the room who landed on my head like on the lax airport.

file said...

chevelu in the Brassenic sense of poetic of course

poli, luisant mais charmant je suis sure

mais Goldie il devoir fait attention avec les intentions de les poli francais

file said...

guitou, you seem to be in every time zone, where are you may I ask?

guitougoal said...

goldie" file darling where is the handsome bold frenchman I just met in the garden?"
file: " guitou com'on in!"
guitou, his brain soaked with whisky,his toupet backward,;"I don't know where I am." -stumbles over the lawn mower, falls again-"the bar is crowded tonight"

guitougoal said...

as we speak sitting right between yourself and offy-

guitougoal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
file said...
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file said...
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Harvey said...

bel hare?

offside said...

We'll use code names: Thai sticks, Humboldt county and Pakalolo.

guitougoal said...

still sitting on the porch:"poetic justice."waiting for the sheriff to drive him home.

file said...

bloody hell offsid, pseudonyms of pseudonyms?
wheels within wheels, like the windmills of my mind
we'll have to abandon our memory palaces and construct Escher style internal filing systems

dog, it's a gods file

file said...

g, for crimes against the French Language, that's going to be sticky, devils island for you

guitougoal said...

"this is the best we can do to fack up a thread started
with an inspiring poem.." leaving with wobbly legs...

killer said...

'It was only a kiss
How did it end up like this?'

offside said...

*Surveying the scene*

Yeah, what a mess. And don't forget Zeph left ME in charge. Thanks a lot, guys.

guitougoal said...

still waiting for the sheriff: " et zeph elle a vecu ce que vivent les roses l'espace d'un matin"......sound of sirene, lights,police car followed by an ambulance.
the scene becomes misty, then fog.,,total darkness.

Zephirine said...

Oh lala, quelle pagaille! These Frenchmen, a bit of poetry and they're out of control.
Cuba Libre all over the floor, they've run the lawnmower over my potted ferns, casserole a l'Adelaide stuck to the ceiling...

Par for the course, then.

Better clear up before the landlord comes in. He's very good, Mr Ebren, but there are limits.

OK (yawn) alicazam.
(Waves virtual magic wand and all is restored.)

Self-service brunch on the counter: English breakfast, kedgeree, sausage and mash, coffee, tea, hangover mixture, whatever you want. I'm off to read Nesta's cricket article.

Ebren said...

I spend one night hop-nobbing with sports celebrities and you wreck the joint.

Kedgeree please.

By the way - Phil Taylor is ridiculously competitive, but strangely bad at pool.

Now everyone settle down, listen to our hostess for the week (Zeph penned the piece that drew us in), I'm off to play footy at the Walkers.

zeph said...

Ebren, have fun - we'll need your input later, Nest's in the back room running off t-shirts and there's a small publishing venture opening up behind the bar.

Others will prefer the non-entrepreneurial, smoking section (hamsters welcome)...

zeph said...

Guitou - "et zeph elle a vecu ce que vivent les roses l'espace d'un matin" - obviously you've guessed the origin of my pseudonym: Zephirine Drouhin is a climbing rose, 'doesn't always combine well with other roses but virtually thornless and can survive in difficult situations':0)

The Ghost of Greengrass Past said...


For some strange reason, I getv the impression that Ebren sees himself as the four-turntables-dj, the swine who comes to the party without a bottle, drinks up everyone elses booze, spews on the Axminster, arouses motherly feelings in the most voluptuous girl in the house, whereupon she takes him back to her place to "care" for him.

"Reliable" is the kiss of death for such a man - I hope you never chalk my cue.

zeph said...

GGGP, if I've undermined Ebren's self-image I'm deeply sorry. He's clearly a man who's comfortable hanging out in low dives with darts players.. reliable is maybe not a badge he'd wear with pride... but hey, it was just a song for f'hack's sake....

file said...

fresh and rosy poet laureat of the corner,

for all those who might have the time
to look at odes and words that rhyme
and words that don't

the link below a treasure hides
of meter, matter, music and lies
and a challenge...,,2079391,00.html

Zeph said...

Oo-er, file, that is a challenge - five days to write it in. I'll have to have a go (though it probably won't be about sport) any other Pseuds up for it?

"That's my last Duchess hanging on the wall" - that line always makes me hoot...

zeph said...

Oh, it's 'painted on the wall' less funny. I prefer my version.

file said...

z, I know it's a toughie isn't it, it's going to take me 4 days to my around the A-C, B-D, D-A, C-B stuff

is this art or fractal engineering?

zeph said...

Yes, what he's asking for is something that mostly only Browning has ever done, I think (plus Mr Nagra himself, of course) - because that's how Browning's mind worked. But them's the rules, at least it doesn't have to rhyme.

file said...

did you read nesta's piece yet? frightening writing skills but it might be interesting to do an historical monologue say Greg Chappell talking to Donald Bradman about Richie Benaud vis a vis apartheid

any ideas for a scene?

zeph said...

1993: Mike Gatting waiting to go in to bat, holding forth about this cocky young Oz bowler called Shane Warne?

But it requires the audience to know that he's going to be bowled first ball by something he didn't even see... That's the problem with most of the sports ones, I think, they'll need explaining.

Nesta's piece is great, and it's good to see some hefty discussions on the site as well as show tunes and cocktails!

Brains in my Boots said...

Never a running dog of capitalism, imperialism or most of the isms but always happy to produce T-shirts for the enlightened minority. Will sort out a quote and get back to yer. No sweat shop or child labour so won't be dirt cheap mind so you can juggle ethics and price to mutual merriment.


guitougoal said...

hey mark,
great, i just received your 5 camus-no cheap is fine- the problem is shipping via air snail.
could you use your philosophical capacities to sort this out for the next time? I am sure you will. thanks.

nesta said...


I'll give you scary and frightening mate. A word of advice. Sir Don is our God. Born and bred prophet. F'ARK Jesus, Mohammed, Jahweh and those other middle eastern fools.

If you write one bad joke or anything suss about Our Don the Aussie SAS will hunt you down and they will show no mercy.

Be careful. Unlike the Iranians with the Salman Rushdie fatwa we won't be bluffing. The Don is beyond reproach.

It says so in The Book of Lords

He came onto us and with his infinite mercy he allowed himself to bowled for a duck in his last innings. By this act of divine compassion all men could see forevermore that perfection is unattainable and ultimately futile. Praise The Don. Amen.

Theological scholars interpreted this to mean that since perfection is impossible it is a far better pursuit to spend your life striving for the fleeting pleasures of the flesh. Amen.

It is because of Our Don that pubs outnumber churches 10000 to one in OZ.

Cuba Libre's all round.

And raise your glasses

(much clinking)

Here's to The Don.

(everybody with much merriment)


(heard above the din)

I'm never been to chursh, hic, but I sure like this Aushie God. Whats hish name again?

mimi said...

Only just in tonight - busy day here. Zeph and file:good luck with the poetry thing. I think it sounds fiendish, and although possibly fun to have a go, must count myself out for this challenge.
On Nesta's article - I've posted there but I do think that Pseuds/ebren and the bloggers esp margin and file should be proud of publishing it and that the discussion it generated at no point descended into unpleasantness or insults. Yet another proof of why here is so much better than the other place. I simply can't imagine reasoned debate following if GU had seen fit to publish such a piece. I'm proud to be associated with PC today.
Oh and PS to Offside, Guitou etc - thanks for not eating my hamster

file said...

dear nesta,

it starts as a hardly discernable vibration of the molecules in the marrow of your bones

slowly the frequency increases as the dancing spreads, through boney pitch to a rising tendon whine

you'll just feel a little nauseous

at first, then dizzy as your neurons shudder and seperate, expand and shake as your whole body rattles to a symphonic harmonisation of tone and ...


[cloud of sparkling blue smoke]

nesta no more but young

- 'Have you seen my Daddy?'

which is far less frightening than your prose or your previous hoodoo..

Zombie Don-bie: Exterminate for the Time Lord stuff

'One of us, one of us, one of us'snarl

and anyway I thought you were supposed to be taking advantage of one-armed bricklayers in Bagdhad?

file said...

oh sorry mimi, didn't mean to undermine what you were saying about not degenerating and all that but if you see that burly nesta fella in here next time could you tip me the wink?

mimi said...

File: no apols needed, this is the Taproom after all. Reasoned debate bound to degenerate at some point, but still seems non-insultative, which was a lot of my point.
If you see Nesta, tell him I said hello.

offside said...


first time a girl thanks me for not eating her hamster.

guitougoal said...

so who's hamster did we eat last night?i thought it was mimi's..tasted delicious.

mimi said...

guitou: you eater of small furry things you. Before I get upset at the thought you might have eaten My hamster, you'd best tell me how it was served. The sauce will reveal the source.

offside said...

I don't know Guitou, I'm confused, hungover and disoriented. And I'm sorry to be late again, my provider was holding me, again. I wanted to apologise to Zeph for the mess, but she's probably gone now.

zeph said...

Offside, that's OK, virtual chaos takes only a virtual second to clear up.

Er - I don't know what you guys ate last night, there weren't any hamsters in the bar but there's quite a lot of rubbish out at the back so maybe....

Albert the rat said...

Has anybody seen my brother Alphonse?

guitougoal said...

letter from the jail,
mimi, i tought it was your hamster because he tasted delicious, now I am glad, just the thought of having another one.
offside, how many times to you have to apologize, zeph is going up anyway. The climbing rose keep climbing-
they still didn't release me from last night...I think zeph filed a complain.

zeph said...

I didn't complain about you Guitou, what are you doing in jail?

Where's file, he should be useful here...

offside said...

We need to print more t-shirts with a "Free Guitou!" slogan.

After last night's antics, I'm not sure file is feeling very sharp right now.

guitougoal said...

file never tell me where we can find him but always ask me where I am- he is a one sided thinking fellow
when we discuss location.

zeph said...

No, don't worry, Ebren'll take some money out of his Swiss account and bail you out.

mimi said...

ebren has a swiss bank account? f'wicht we're here trying to make him into a media mogul then?

offside said...

Mimi, does your hamster have a Swiss Cheese account?

guitougoal said...

i am sure file is on his way with the cash-
the type-writting with handcuffs is complicated not to mention the back scratching...
now they say drunkeness was not the problem,supposedly I was telling the cops repeatedly,
"fack you very much"...

offside said...

Ah, outrage à agent.

Outrage ou désespoir
Aidez-moi mes amis
Ai-je donc tant bu
pour finir en prison?

guitougoal said...

Thanks Victor, you go.

Zeph said...

Did you not explain to them that F'Ack (TM) is a registered trademark in Tasmania?

guitougoal said...

zeph,i am sorry, is your question for me?

offside said...

Poor Guitou, he's been beaten up by the cops so badly he's completely F'ACKed.

Somebody do something!

zeph said...

It was for you, Guitou, yes.

OK, erm, a couple of guys are going to turn up, they may look a bit intimidating but Ebren says they're fine. And they're going to get you out. If there's any shooting, just get down on the floor and cover your ears.

zeph said...

Tonight's cocktail, for those who can face it, is the Jailbreak:

1 shot kahlua
1 shot Jack Daniels
1 shot amaretto
3 shots Guinness
3 shots cola

guitougoal said...

Hey zeph, when you get out of the joint, anything will do.

offside said...

And to go with that explosive concoction of a cocktail, the tune on the juke-box tonight is also "Jailbreak", by Thin Lizzy:

Tonight theres gonna be a jailbreak
Somewhere in the town
Tonight theres gonna be a jailbreak
So dont you be around

Dont you be around

Tonight theres gonna be trouble
Some of us wont survive
See the boys and me mean business
Bustin out dead or alive

Albert the rat said...

- ssh - hurry, come on, everybody - yes, you too grandpa - we're getting out of here -

(sounds of scurrying feet disappear into the night)

guitougoal said...

Elvis: "what about my jailhouse rock baby? thank you very much"-
-inhales some pacalolo,grabs the guitar..".sing the song baby....."

mimi said...

offside: my hamster will have whatever sort of account I demand.
Forebye the need for the cheese though, please explain.
That's if there's anyone left hiding here after the bust
(peers behind the bar and sees just some frightened eyes and trembling)

guitougoal said...

"a poet without alcohol is not a poet", i don't remember who said it, certainly a pet, but I will finf all the famous words from writers about drinking some of them are very funny (hemingway)-
I think we should use them for pseud's t-shirtsinstead of a permanent idiotic logo which will bring down the yoyo category...what do you think?
a pet without alcohol is not a tapir.

zeph said...

(comes back in, humming)

The drummer boy from illinois went crash, boom, bang,
The whole rhythm section was the purple gang.
Let’s rock, everybody, let’s rock.

Hi Mimi, who's that hiding behind the bar? I thought the rats had all run for it.

zeph said...

Guitou, I bet it was Verlaine. It's the kind of stuff he used to come out with. Or Brendan Behan, one of the two.

ghost of brendan said...


In the womens prison
There are seventy women
And I wish it was with them
That I did dwell
Then that auld triangle could go jingle-jangle
All along the banks of the royal canal

mimi said...

guitou: if you mention the tapir one more time, I will have to bring my whips to bear and punish you severely. I'm still grieving you know.
Zeph: please don't encourage those frenchies with mention of Verlaine. I think I'll assume you were referring to Tom of that ilk - that'll keep them at bay for a while.
Have you all seen DocShoot's T-shirt logo?
Not sure it would go down a treat in the mean streets of Elgin, but I'll give it a go!

Tom Waits on the jukebox said...

The piano has been drinking,
My necktie is asleep,
And the combo went back to New York,
The jukebox has to take a leak,
And the carpet needs a haircut,
And the spotlight looks like a prison break,
'Cause the telephone's out of cigarettes,
And the balcony is on the make,
And the piano has been drinking.

guitougoal said...

verlaine.......absynth.....offside, speaking of the devil,
somebody did empty my glass while i was talking to you...guess who?

Zeph said...

Mimi, I haven't seen the logo - was it on the email? I was on for a bit and then off again... a girl could get paranoid.

guitougoal said...

guitou;ghost," i was with seventy women once:a nightmare."
gohst- "why ?"
guitou:"you were there".

guitougoal said...

I am at first stage fo coming up with a t-shirt reflecting some of our grand pseud's principles....I sent a first draft to who is onmy list
email me your @ details I'll be pleased to forward.guitou.

paul verlaine said...

En prison


Allons, frères, bons vieux voleurs,

Doux vagabonds,

Filous en fleurs,

Mes chers, mes bons,

Fumons philosophiquement,



Rien faire est doux.

zeph said...


Zeph said...

Alors, Monsieur Paul, encore de l'absinthe?

Glad to see you haven't brought young Arthur with you. Now there's somebody who really does know how to break up a bar.

offside said...

I've chained Zeph to the email thing, but I haven't seen Doctorshoot's logo. I've probably been left out of that chain. I'll go and join Zeph in the paranoid poetry corner.

DoctorShoot said...

zeph try ditching the cola and making it a pint of G and it is a sensational shdrink .. early morning here and I'm trying to catch up on the last month of posts and comments and going blind and another of those plese...hold the cola.. have sent my tshirt to nesta

mimi said...

Paul, who's Paul? Tom said: where's the Television?

paul verlaine said...

Bonjour, mademoiselle Zéphirine,

What a pleasure to meet a fellow poet like yourself in here. Malheureusement, Arthur will be late tonight. He is in the infirmary, but I expect he'll be along later on. No, don't worry, just a very minor gunshot wound, probably something to do with that commotion in town earlier, around the gaol.

zeph said...

Early morning customers in already ...

Dunno about a logo - (I suggested a typeface to Nesta, that's as far as I got) - but for a slogan, how's about: The blogspot on which the sun never sets?

mimi said...

Rimbaud, Rimbaud, Rimbaud, Rimbaud ...
Now why does that put a musical echo in my head, I wonder?

offside said...


I've just found another perfect cocktail for you, it's called "Panty Hamster":

1/4 oz Jagermeister® herbal liqueur
1/4 oz melon liqueur
1/4 oz raspberry liqueur
1/2 oz cranberry juice


mimi said...

offside: I think you meant, I hope you meant, to type Party Hamster.
Have you not all noticed how signally I have failed to rise to your innuendo and smut? With an OBO calling, I am hoping to achieve fame in some way other than Queen of the Filth!

offside said...

Sorry, Mimi, but that wasn't a typo. You may have a party hamster, but that cocktail is definitely a panty hamster, which brings us back to my earlier rema... oh, nevermind, just drink it, will you?

mimi said...

Well just this once, and only for you Offside ...

(raises glass of curiously coloured cocktail to lips and takes large draught)
Hum, very nice, but a bit light on the hamster surely?

Best have another one to check, shake me another, please.

offside said...

Shake your hamster? Mmmmmh, better not raise to that bait, even though our younger audience are probably in bed by now.

I think I smell a rat... Albert?

Zeph said...

I've looked at logos and added addresses and that's me for the night. Mimi - you're in charge...

Bonne nuit tout le monde - oh, sorry

(trips over Paul Verlaine on the way out)

paul verlaine said...

*wakes up with a start - cold sweat pouring down his neck*

What was that? Rats! Rats crawling all over me! Aaargh! Get them off! Get them off me! Ratzzzzzzzzzz

*Plops back down with a thud - asleep again*

guitougoal said...

I like zeph slogan- back to the jailhouse making more t-shirts with my handcuffed- bonsoir mr verlaine sorry arthur was one absynthee tonight.

DoctorShoot said...

if morality is the weakness of the brain, then perhaps absintheeism is the brainyness of the weak...
at least that is what was writ on the note pinned to his barstool.
and before someone claims it makes the heart grow fonder, remember Absinthe as a drink only becomes psychoactive when an essential oil called tujol is released from thujone chemical (as long as you have the Wormwood version - illegal in much of the EU). Pour a large shot of absinthe into a glass. Soak a sugar cube in the absinthe. Then place it on a spoon above the glass and light it. As the sugar caramelises, drip into the glass and this turns the absinthe cloudy (TUJOL!).
Stir in the rest of the sugar as the flame dies.
Have a catcher behind you.

guitougoal said...

-Thanks,I am tempted.The problem is to find the catcher, sober and trustable.
Welcome to the club,please come again.

offside said...

Cleeeear the way... I'm a shpecialisht. I've had afew of Zeph's Jackie D'sh cocktailsh, so now ze rye's in ze catshhher, but go 'head, guitou

*gestures wildly*

I'll catshhhh ya!

guitougoal said...

yeh! that's was my biggest fear....hope doctorshoot
takes house calls....

offshide said...

Nah, nah, nah. Trusht me. File! Come gimme a hand, have to catsh Guitou. Ready? On ze count of tshree. One... Two...

guitougoal said...

guitou from the hospital:
-"aie! ouie! I have to finish the damn tee-shirts with my right hand in a cast.....ouie!"

offside said...

Hard luck Guitou, I wash pretty shure I had you there. One night in shail, tshe nexsht in hoshpital, what are we gonna do with ye?

file said...

hey g can I sign your plaster cast?

better late then never eh?

I got a new t-shirt, cool huh?

guitougoal said...

file, wooooh! some filou you are!aie! ouie...
quantum facker it's extra cool-
ooops! here come the nurse.....she is wearing plastic gloves...."what?what ?oh no, no, noooooooo!.....

file said...

thanks g, I told her you needed special care and I gave her a copy of Gary Linekers seminal Opus Dei work 'Enemas and Salvation'


file said...

alternatively, for those that do...

cogito ergo f'ack

MotM said...

For those not entirely at ease with the techie stuff, I think this is Greengrass and Ebren:

Zeph said...

Mouth, that is so funny! Love it.

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