Sunday, April 22, 2007

Blogasbord - Offgrass and Greenside

The Pakalolo Tavern is empty. An Irish jig on the juke-box. Sounds of cutlery and dishes and diverse appetising odours coming from the kitchen.

Offside comes in through the kitchen swing door, laden with dishes and odours. He sets them on the bar.

Offside (shouting): Ingrid! How's the couscous?

Ingrid (from kitchen): The doctor said it would be better soon!

Offside arranges the dishes on the bar, steps back, looking satisfied. He dives back into the kitchen, and comes out again almost immediately, carrying more dishes, some of them steaming. He sets them down hurriedly, opens the tap to run cold water over his hands.

The main door opens to let in Greengrass, a spring in his step and a guitar slung over his shoulder. He saunters to the bar and eyes the food on display.

Greengrass: Smorgasbord?

Offside: Sort of. (to kitchen, shouting) Ingrid! Hurry with that couscous. Greengrass is here already, the others won't be long now.

Greengrass: What's the occasion?

Offside: None, really. I just want to put some food into the lads and lasses. It's been a long season-a-bloggin', and now we're coming to the run-in, so they need sustenance.

Greengrass examines the dishes suspiciously. He stoops to take a closer sniff at the stuff.

Greengrass: No tapir this time?

Offside: No, all gone. Mimi finished it. Hey don't touch that, wait 'til everyone's here. Er, I would leave that one alone if I were you, that's cojones de toro, strictly for our Argentine guests. Unless you're feeling really adventurous, of course. (pause) What's with the guitar? You're going to give us a tune?

Greengrass: Haven’t you seen the posters?

Offside: I told you - they’ll be along soon.

Greengrass: No, don’t be daft - not that lot! The posters for my performance: they’re all over the village.

Offside: Performance?

Greengrass: Nine o’ clock! At the Wheel Tapper’s Arms - Selected Ditties of Atahualpa Yupanqui. I’ve translated the works of the Master into Lancashire Dialect. Ingrid will be along to harmonise if she’s better.

Offside: Better?

Greengrass: She was poorly yesterday - had a frog in her throat, poor lass.

333 comments:

1 – 200 of 333   Newer›   Newest»
hannibalbrooks said...

GG

Your ending has echoes of Phil Lynot's favourite on-stage patter routine... 'Are there any girls in the audience tonight with a bit of Irish in them?'.

When the response was predictably muted he would rephrase the question ... 'Are the any girls in the audience would like a bit of Irish in them tonight?'

I think the time to review the season's blogging will be when all of the silverware has been won and lost.

The best part of the season (apart from the very begining when everyone is full of optimism) is still ahead of us ... well maybe it is if you support Man Utd, Chelsea or Liverpool.

But who knows.....?

It could yet turn out to be the worst part of the season if you support Manu, Chelsea or Liverpool too.

Ebren said...

I'm pretty annoyed at chelsea right now. It's a pretty pointless "do or die" game at Stamford Bridge if Man U can lose and still win the title.

Silly Jose - can't even beat the toon army.

Now where's my pint of hubris

pipita said...

Offgrassgreenside

Im suffering a bloggers cold turkey at the moment as my move to a new flat leaves me in total mystery as to when I'll have access to internet....So here I am at my folks place at the moment monopopoyzing their computer. Luckily the gloom of my present situation has been livened up a bit by River's 2-1 home win against Banfield and by that outstanding "bife a la pimienta" I had at lunch with none other than south african best-selling author Wilbur Smith, whose books in Spanish are published by Planeta where mrs pipita's works as an editor. He's in Baires at the moment for the book fair. That beef was definetly the highlight of the meal....Therefore I highly recommend you guys to instruct Ingrid to include this dish on the menu. Will get hold of a CD of an Atahualpa live recording soon for the delight of professor greengrass. This will provide a much needed folkie argentine atmosphere for the taproom. Hope to be able to visit the tap room again soon. Take it easy amigos

guitougoal said...

a frog in her throat ? it could be interesting to learn under which circumstances. Mimi should try the defroger:pernod and rye .whiskey.

mimi said...

Hello guys: anyone buying me a drink tonight? I've managed the last week without any injury though my heart, of course, is broken.

guitougoal said...

mimi,Stinger for broken heart:1,oz.brandy 1.1/2 white creme de menthe,poor into a glass filled with ice cubes.....

mimi said...

thanks guitou. If only the creme de menthe was available .. I've been led to understand that Offside is a master in pouring the absinthe. Perhaps that would do

marcela said...

i'd like some irish in me, please. black bush. straight.
pipita, wilbur smith??!! that's an almost guitougoalian level of celebrity hob nobbing.

gg - some atahualpa, please...

mimi said...

Hi Marcela: what a surprise to meet you here! We could almost be in Raoul's. Wilbur Smith, eh? Not the reading I'd have thought for you.

guitougoal said...

Fill with mingld cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again
such hilarious visions chamber
through the chamber of my brain.
who cares if it comes and goes away
I have a frog in my throat anyway.

mimi said...

guitou: I'm a bit too tired to properly work that out, but was that just a sonnet? Are you getting your "in praise of Shakespeare " in early? Given that it was either his birthday today or officially tomorrow?
I will have to enjoy your company later as now it is retiring time. Work at 9am on monday, so can't stay here much longer.

greengrass said...

(clears throat, tunes guitar, begins to play. Flamenco? No! Classical guitar? No! Neither - and both; and much more. Hums quietly)

marcela said...

wondered in looking for a lunchtime snack. nobody around. turning to leave but wait. someone's here. in the corner. behind the chords of a guitar being tuned the silhouette of a lone rider can be made out. that would explain the horse outside...

"he's preparing to bring yous all the wisdom of his travels" says the horse while he chews some grass, "he needs a while to warm up, but later in the evening he will play his rhymes".

well fuck me, I think to myself: a talking horse!

talishka said...

popped in by for a spot of lunch and a couple of drinks,and the only one talking is this stupid horse, maybe after a few drinks i might be able to understand him.

pipita said...

Marcela
Yeah, yeterday's lunch was indeed very guitoesque. I was thinking the same myself
Mimi
Absolutely, think Ive never read a single word of any Wilbur book. As you can imagine, not much of a football fan either

greengrass said...

Ingrid, come in 'ere an' 'armonise wi' me! Let's get this song reet fer toneet!
(She enters, draped in odours - predominantly garlic - and her best pinny, produces a pair of castanets from thin air and starts to click forth the sound of a horse walking over the cobblestones of the yard of an inn at the end of a long, hard day. A horse is heard to whinny outside. They sing together)

So many sisters and brothers;
Far, far too many to count.
In t’valley, on t’mountain, in t’pampas and in t’sea.

Each of them wi’ their own labours
Each of them wi’ their own dreams
Hopes lie before ’em,
Memories behind ’em.
So many sisters and brothers,
Far, far too many to count.

People with hands that are warm,
Warmed by the love of friends.
Wi’ a prayer to be prayed,
And a tear to be wept.
Wi’ an open horizon just out o’ reach,
And the strength to seek it wi’ grit an’ resolve.

(Greengrass breaks off with a flamboyant Em7-5 chord)

Ingrid: But that's not all of it!

Greengrass: No bother, lass, we'll
do t'rest toneet!

guitougoal said...

be back toneet for t'rest.

mimi said...

Dropped in for a refresher after a hard day's work and honing of the CV. Small black fur has been slaking her blood lust on butterflies!
Is anyone there? Ingrid - I'd like a large chilled soothing cocktail of your choosing please.

bluedaddy said...

Tha's proper gradely lad.

Dust tha know "In the woodshed she said she would"?

mimi said...

bluedad: there's something nasty in the woodshed.

greengrass said...

Aye, lad - one o' mi favourites, along wi' "There was a young plumber of Lea".
But neyther on 'em were wrote by Atahualpa, so ah'll pass 'em by toneet.

marcela said...

gg
i hope you're bringing a fat lady with you - but just in case:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ycBcZmqt-M&mode=related&search=

guitougoal said...

Offgrass: couscous poulet or couscoustagine?moroccan mint tea and Flamenco are you expecting Zizou toneet?

duncan said...

Ah... So this is where all the Manyana People are...
Let's see...glass of, ahem, Red... would be nice...and give bluedaddy a refill of whatever he's drinking.
& one for yourself barkeep.

offside said...

Hi everyone, I'll take care of the drinks, but you just go ahead and help yourselves to the buffet. Glass of red for Duncan, Côtes du Rhone alright?

guitou, it's the classical couscous with lamb. Try the tahitian dishes as well, marinated fish, uru, taro, chicken fafa, poe, tell me what you think.

Zinedine might stop by, other famous footballers or managers as well, who knows?

mimi said...

I thought I might invite Jose for a drink tonight. He might be feeling a little blue ...

greengrass said...

Come on, Ingrid, concert time - we'll 'ave a little warble 'ere, then off to t' Wheeltappers.

(He plays guitar, she clicks her castanets)

So many sisters and brothers;
Far, far too many to count.
In t’valley, on t’mountain, in t’pampas and on t’sea.

Each of them wi’ their own labours
Each of them wi’ their own dreams
Hopes lie before ’em,
Memories behind ’em.
So many sisters and brothers;
Far, far too many to count.

People wi’ hands that are warm,
Warmed by the love of their friends.
Wi’ a prayer to be prayed,
An’ a tear to be wept.
Wi’ an open horizon just out o’ reach,
And the strength to seek it wi’ grit an’ resolve.

Just when it seems to come closer,
It just goes further away.
So many sisters and brothers;
Far, far too many to count.
That is what keeps us going,
Loneliness makes us so tough.
Losing each other in t’ wide world,
Finding each other again.
Knowing each other because of that gaze,
Firmly fixed on the horizon,
Thanks to t’ rhymes that we bite,
T’ seeds o' immensity.

That is what keeps us going,
Loneliness makes us so tough.
Bearing, within us, our dead -
None of us left behind.
So many sisters and brothers;
Far, far too many to count.
One very beautiful lover -
Her name is Liberty.

guitougoal said...

Jose !it's may not be a good idea since Arsene may show-up anytime, right offside ? I saw the email c.c .Give Arsenio a pint of hubris.

hannibalbrooks said...

An Absynth & Red Bull please ... and a pint of that stuff Lee Perry's drinking ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENnFjxHzdIw

hannibalbrooks said...

This a clip from the legendary Wheeltappers & Shunters Social Club featuring The Big 'O' ... for those that haven't got a clue what GG's on about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLWC6GR9Og8

offside said...

Then we might get to see José and Arsène make up over a glass of absinthe. I've made some tapas, especialmente for Rafa as well...

guitougoal said...

offgreen in a beer house, drinking beer,
booms with his voice so that all may hear
bangs on the table with his right fist
writhes in his chair with a hump-back twist,
leers at his huge nose, in the glass,
and then proclams in a voice of brass:
mark my word and listen to me!
we'r all brothers, sisters in the world of free.
Call me offside, call me greengrass
Drink one with me or kiss my ass.

pipita said...

Frankly Guitou, a man of your refinement!! What language your employing, Im outraged!!So much for the Pakalolo Tavern...Everyone's talking about food, drinks and singing, but have we got enough of that stuff??Commmon Offy, pass me some pakalolo mate

duncan said...

Any Red you've got is fine for my damaged palate Offside but it might not wash with the Mad Gum Chewer of you know where...

(sips) Ahhh that's better.

What's this? (points at uru & tato)

talishka said...

oh have i missed the entertainment? Just popped infor a few drinks as i have had a bad day.
Does anybody want to buy me one?

offside said...

Duncan, try it and I'll tell you afterwards. Bon appétit.

Pipita, there you go, pass it around.

marcela said...

guitou's poem: now i bet wilbur smith don't talk that smooth!

duncan, if you get a bottle I'll have some.

sir hannibal gaye - don't you have some real roy in your collection you could treat us to?

and where's mimi? she needs a little encouragement to join the 'cool crowd with the rizzla'. pakalolo, mimi, you know you want some :)

duncan said...

Ok I'll play, mmmm, wonderful. One of the best things I've put in my mouth...so...what are they?

pipita said...

Thanks Offy, thats better. Must admit this pakalolo is not bad shit actually. Ill pass it to my compatriot. There you go Marcela, dont bogart that joint my friend

marcela said...

pakalolo, i believe, is some sort of tahitian whacky backy...

mimi and myself, coincidentally, hang out in the same quartiers in our yoof. although, she claims she was never in the same rooms.

where did you grow up?

anybody? talishka??

bluedaddy said...

MarvellousMarvinBrooks,

that Big O clip is in danger of making the WT&SSC look cool. Was that Gary Locke on guitar behind the O I wonder? http://cards.littleoak.com.au/197475_abc_redbacks/020_gary_locke.jpg


Just to prove it was(n't):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgaaNkgq_Ms

Cheers for the snifter Duncan, yer a gent.

marcela said...

pipita!!
you never fail to surprise me.

fancy you knowing an expression like that.

offside said...

Duncan,

relax, you haven't ingested anything too weird. Uru is breadfruit, and taro is a kind of tuber. Both very good for your health.

greengrass, give us another one!

talishka said...

hey marcela,I grew up in yorkshire and now live in Scotland and hang out with mimi. Talking of mimi where is she?

guitougoal said...

pipita, refinement no se puede, i come from the barrios man!.....so fisted cat head!

marcela said...

sorry, duncan, i thought you were asking about the pakalolo...

bluedaddy, marvin reed-brooks, c'mon... what is this stuff? and while you're here, bd, what is that laughing audio file you posted on the so called 'art blog'?

pipita said...

Marcela...Im not that far from the hippy generation, must confess I learnt that expression wathcing "Easy Rider" some ten years later when I was in my late teens...Anyone know what band sang actually that?? Was it Creedence??No, dont think so. Help here
Guitou
Yeah okay, but with that name and all that glam Beverly Hills environment you frequent.. You were sounding more like Mocne Jim. Anyone remember him?? He came and went from Pseuds as fast as lightning

orsay said...

pipita, no es la verdad. Tan fino es el guitou que se come la sopa con el tenedor.

offside said...

And by the way, have some gaspacho, it's nicely chilled.

pipita said...

Bluedaddy

Gary Locke?? Didnt he play for West Ham?? He had one of em 70's coker spaniel mullets...Whose got the pakalolo now??

pipita said...

Orsay

Guitou usa el tenedor para la sopa!!???? y hace fffssssss, que poco fino este franchute!!!!

guitougoal said...

Pipita, you mean Mocne was "so fisted cat head"too?
Don't bogart that join was Johnny Peso-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWin5jKEI5k

offside said...

Pipita, the pakalolo is in that big bowl on the bar. Roll us a fat one, please. What do you mean it's empty? Duncan! What have you been eating? The uru is in the other bowl! Oh dear...

duncan said...

marcela,
BD seems to be otherwise engaged so, the audio file is the one and only Stuart Hall. Probably the most learned commentator ever to do so at a football match in the UK. He was laughing at Fabien Bartez...just kidding...he was actually doing It's A Knockout, a sort of Euro-melding of the general public into circus clowns, showjumping, wrestling and...phew...pass the Black Bush eh?

bluedaddy said...

Marcela,

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wheeltappers_and_Shunters_Social_Club

Very weird show. Vic Reeves was a keen student of Colin Crompton if you ask me.

The laughing track is from Jeux Sans Frontieres, a legendary entertainment show from the 70s. There was a UK domestic version of the show called It's A Knockout, fronted by the even more legendary Stuart Hall.

This is what he was laughing at (he actually pissed his pants that day): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aco-hkeQFBM

Maybe you had to be there, but it feels good to know I was. In the dreary old (sunny old) 70s it was a true highlight. Astonishly I used to be upset that GB was often so crap.

Stuart Hall also does football commentary in the most extraordinary fashion. He was a good footballer, and a fine TV presenter of local news when I grew up.

See:

http://sport.guardian.co.uk/smalltalk/story/0,,1155738,00.html

He is the probably the only celebrity to whose family I would send condolences if he were to die before me.

marcela said...

(takes a long drag) I have. (exhales)

'come la sopa con el tenedor' reminds me of maria elena walsh. i think.

where IS mimi?

duncan said...

oops sorry BD I jumped the gun there...woah....I feel a bit....
...

marcela said...

damn. i'm missing all the chat. i blame the pakalolo.

yes, of course, it's stuart hall. the audio was very fuzzy and i could only make out the laughing. now, before i go to youtube to check out the links above, can i say that you boys paying homage to stuart hall on a thread some time before christmas was a wonderful read. as were the transcripts of some of his commentaries i subsequently sought out.

right, have the pakalolo back. i'm not as young as i once was.

bluedaddy said...

And come to think of it, Jeux Sans Frontieres is probably the funniest/scariest TV you could watch while stoned.

marcela said...

where's greengrass and his greenguitah?

talishka said...

where's talishka?? Oh yeah she's still here!And in need of a very very large drink.

pipita said...

Guitou
No, I meant to say that Mocne Jim was using that same filthy language when he came in here to make those shocking jokes of his

Orsay
What a mess Duncan is making...Dont tell me he's eat the whole thing!!!What shall we do now??? Ring any of em kids who plays for the Tahiti youth team. They'll bring in more

offside said...

Duncan,

sit down. Swallow a couple of these blotters, they'll make you feel better. Trust me.

Don't worry, pipita, I kept some on the side, just in case something like that happened.

Talishka, here's your drink, slainte.

talishka said...

cheers offside, who's got the pakalolo?

duncan said...

Oh maaan, I'm sooo sorry about your shoeseses marcela.

ingrid said...

That's bloody men for you! Takes me along there to 'armonise with 'is ditties, then traps off wi' a groupie
from Rochdale.
I 'ad to walk all t'road back - t'last bllody bus 'ad gone.
What's that funny smell?

marcela said...

bluedaddy, you've posted that before!!
in fact, i think you posted it on a youtube thread, i couldn't open the link, i mentioned my vintage mac, went off on a vintage tangent, got my post deleted, sought the corners only those thus aggrieved would know... and here we all are.
amazing. full circle yet again.

anyone know any games one can play with a circle?

guitougoal said...

I'll eat the left over with my tenedor...

pipita said...

Thanks offy, what a relief... Guitou
Now,now, stop messing around with that tenedor. Your going to stab it on the wrong item at this pace...Why dont you go and find MocneJim for more inspiration.
I didnt know Ingrid hailed from Rochdale

hannibalbrooks said...

I thought you might like some ukelele music instead Marcela

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=866KbFchY_4

It's not quite George Formby though

pipita said...

By the way guitou, much obliged for that johnny peso data. Had absolutely no clue about that

hannibalbrooks said...

... or even Makelele's ukelele

pipita said...

Makelele's ukelele??That sounds very much in tone with the pakalolo

offside said...

I hear Makelele will sign for Colo-Colo, and if he brings his ukulele and some pakalolo, wouldn't that be loco?

guitougoal said...

Aie aie aie Makele, aie aie aie makelele
va a venir a la casa con su ukulele
va a cantar y bailar y comer pakalolo
y despues se va, el loco, a colo-colo

marcela said...

hey hannibal, thanks! that's nice that ukelele... coincidentally, i was just listening to this though:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlT5F2ogeWg&mode=related&search=

hannibalbrooks said...

Thanks Marcela that was great

bluedaddy said...

Great links Marv/Marc.

Easy to forget how sweet Jimi's voice was.

bluedaddy said...

Must hit the hay. Caught the following comment amongst all those weird chain comments you see on youtube. I was impressed by both the patience involved and the delicious malice underlying it. Sort of reminded me of FatalTrainCrash's wonderful post from last week, as well as dear old MocneJim.
Hopefully the formatting will work or this will seem like a very strange post.

Night all.


............../´¯/)...........(\¯`\
............/....//..............\\....\
.........../....//................\\....\
...../´¯/..../´¯\.........../¯`\....\¯`\
.././.../..../..../.|_......_|.\....\....\...\.\..
(.(....(....(..../.)..)..(..(.\....)....)....).)
.\................\/.../....\...\/................/
..\................. /........\................../
....\..............(............)............../
......\.............\.........../.............../

marcela said...

and now for something completely different...

i really should stop smoking this pakelele stuff, it's making me loco-loco. i'm on the verge of concocting a story whereby a lone cowboy dressed like hendrix in that clip i posted for hb arrives at a saloon with his talking horse, starts reciting solidarity couplets to the tune of his ukelele.
at first, the patrons regard him with suspicion, but by the end of a series of pencil shaped ralaxation incarnates and some worm treated aguardientes they all pick up an instrument and go along. having absolutely no idea what the 'payador' is on about, as he speaks a foreign language.

greengrass, you're not the only one to pursue unusual renditions of atahualpa - i rather fancy the idea of greengrass in white pajamas, like the main singer in this eclectic orchestra:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67AXSpq9mVE


as i said, no more pakelele for me. and makaloko can keep his sitting in the hole role, too.

marcela said...

wow bluedaddy. now that IS art. shurely.
night 2 u 2.

offside said...

We didn't all agree on the football as art topic but there seems to be a consensus on Jimi Hendrix.

When I was still living in West Cork, a couple of friends and I got in touch with Noel Redding, who had long retired in the area. We wanted to shoot a documentary and get him to chat about the days of the Experience. Alas, he died shortly after we'd agreed on a date.

I know there are plenty of horrid tales from that time, but I can't think of anyone who was more hard done by than Noel Redding in terms of copyright and royalties.

I would have loved to hear some of those stories from the horse's mouth.

*where is that talking horse, by the way? is anyone feeding it?*

guitougoal said...

Designer fingers.
another popular formof art.

marcela said...

orsay - there's still a good film to be made.
particularly if the realizateur could get hold of more footage like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nayarBrD6mk&mode=related&search=

greengrass said...

(Greengrass enters, dressed in white pyjamas, hair all over the place, lipstick smudges on face, mumbling):

That bloody Gretchen Sidebottom! She stalks me, she does! All over me, all night, like an octopus on speed, then - come dawn - it's out through t'back bloody door wi' no soddin' breakfast.
Ah wish 'er 'usband didn't work nights.

Ingrid?

ingrid said...

Well, you can cook your own breakfast, you can, ye ungrateful yob! At least the French they know how to treat a lady.

(She storms off)

greengrass said...

"Don't mess with my couscous,
Don't mess with my couscous..."
(He stops mumbling the song as a familiar figure emerges from the kitchen).

offside said...

I heard that. Ingrid none too pleased then? Can't blame her. I thought you'd be singing the blues, instead of a couscous reggae, or was your night that good?

greengrass said...

Yes, thanks, Offy - a grand night, Gretchen can't keep 'er 'ands off me. Mind you, it's only mi body she wants - it's not, like, love...

Did you 'ave a good 'un?

offside said...

Aye, great crowd, crazy poetry, good music. Hendrix. I love it. Even on the ukulele. listen, don't worry about your breakfast, there's plenty of food left. Raw fish?

greengrass said...

Raw fish? No thanks - ah've 'ad that all neet!
Ah suppose all the usual suspects were in 'ere? There were none of 'em at t'Wheeltapper's.
Were that Marcela lass in?

offside said...

Sure she was. She was asking for you even. I'm a little worried about her to tell you the truth. She kept going on about a talking horse and country singers in pajamas. That fellow bluedaddy was in here as well. He was well rude as usual, gave us the finger and everything...

No sign of Mimi, though, you haven't seen her by any chance? Maybe she was afraid we'd cooked another one of her pets. Speaking of which... Broth?

greengrass said...

Marcela - asking for me? Well...

(he is, for once, lost for words)

We've been, like, working together on these translations of Atahualpa for a while, quiet like. So ah were all fired-up last neet, 'oping she'd show 'er face.

Ah expected 'er to come to
t'Wheeltappers - ah even saved that "Sisters and brothers" till t'finalee, waitin' for 'er.

When she didn't show, ah fell into the clutches of Gretchen. She reckons she's bin a groupie wi' all
o' t'top names, tha knows - Liberace, Elton, Cliff...

offside said...

yeah, yeah, yeah, but will you have some broth? No, I can't tell you what's in it, that would spoil it.

greengrass said...

Go on, then - twist mi arm.

offside said...

(offside slaps a bowl of greenish, steaming broth on the bar in front of greengrass. Dumplings are floating about in it in a noncommital way.)

Bon appétit!

greengrass said...

(sings)

Inky, pinky, parlay voo!

nesta said...

Garcon, just what is in this mystery soup?

I asked the cook and he just shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Me comería un buey'.

My comprehension of Spanish is poor so I went outside to ask the talking horse for a translation but he had left.

Pray tell. Where is the horse, was it a gelding and what's in this soup?

offside said...

(offside stares at his feet - shifts his weight around - whistles a half-baked tune uneasily)

Ahem. So, you've noticed about the horse,then? (pause) Do you think Marcela will be mad?

greengrass said...

Very tasty indeed, young man. These dumplings are as non-commital as Roma's defence, though - every time I get near 'em wi' mi spoon, they shy away.

What's in it?

Ebren said...

Nesta you should go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you'll endorse. He's always on a steady course. Or at least the first course.

offside said...

Well, as Nesta has hinted, let's just say that the horse wasn't a gelding when he got here... but the greenish colour is actually from all the absinthe. Covers the taste nicely, doesn't it?

greengrass said...

Oh, two-brick broth - lovely! How are your thumbs, Offy?

nesta said...

True story. Whilst visiting Texas I was invited down to the weekend ranch of one of the locals.

Whilst there my host cut the nuts of a young bull with a knife and offered me a steaming 'bovine oyster' straight from the still quivering scrotum. I refused so my guest swallowed them both and licked his lips when he finished. While the poor cow whimpered he exclaimed, 'You don't know what your missing, they are full of vitamins'.

Just remembering that day makes my stomach churn. I'm now not feeling well so I might step outside to see if my ride home, Pedro the alpaca has arrived.

greengrass said...

Alpaca? You're looking sheepish, Offy!

This broth reminds me of the dish they served when I gave a recital of Bolivian miners' songs at the Dodworth Miners Welfare Club - that was members only, mind...

offside said...

Right, that's enough bollocks from me for now. I've been up all night and I need some rest. I'll be upstairs. See ya.

greengrass said...

'e were a bit nowty!
Ah spoke French wi' im an' all...

'appen ah didn't praise 'is broth enough.

Right - time to feed t'gee-gee.

pipita said...

Guitou mañana River-Colo Colo por la copa que ya no se puede, Orsay pasame mucho pakalolo un ukelele y un cantante makelele que si no me vuelvo LOCO

talishka said...

Oh my god! What have you done to the horse!! Does he talk in a high voice now?

duncan said...

(yawn)

Whooow, I must have been asleep. Is it morning?

mimi said...

Hi guys. Sorry I had to leave early last night. I hope Marcela didn't spill too many secrets about our mis-spent youth. Might have known we'd end up hanging out in a bar with a bunch of reprobates. Does she know about the horse yet?
I learned my lesson after the Tapir.

greengrass said...

Yes, Duncan, already manyana...

guitougoal said...

pipita,madre mia que vamos a hacer?

offside said...

(clambering down from the attic - frumpy'n'grumpy)

'morning. Coffee, please guitou, and make it strong. What's wrong, gg? You look nervous. Got the italian shakes?

greengrass said...

N-n-n-no - n-not a bit.
It's a foreskin confusion - a foregone - you kn-know what I mean.

mimi said...

greengrass: as long as it's not a sharkskin conclusion!

greengrass said...

Ah, Mimi - if a bloke called Genghis Sidebottom comes in asking for me, be sure to treat him to one of your sharkskin safaris, would you, love?

mimi said...

Sharks are a bit endangered in these parts, didn't Offside tell you? His entire army reduced to just one after my tribe ruthlessly slaughtered them and took their skins to make not just my boots.

greengrass said...

Yes, Mimi - perhaps Genghis Sidebottom would like to meet your tribe...

Duty calls: footy on soon. There's a big screen at t'Wheeltappers.

3-1.

offside said...

There she goes again... Mimi, everybody knows I DONATED a couple of sharks, just for the pleasure of seeing you wearing those boots. The rest of them are in rude health. Oh, and speaking of rude, guitou! where's that coffee?

mimi said...

Donated??!! Smallest beat your fiercest far and square. We won, and you just can't accept it.

guitougoal said...

mimi i like Bianchi because it was Fausto Coppi's bike brand...Coppi the campionissimo.

offside said...

*cough*

Half-time, and you're not too far off in your prediction gg (or is it gigi?). There's still plenty of time to make it 3-1. If not 7.

The deadly trident of O'Shea, Brown and Fletcher is working well.

*cough*

guitougoal said...

milan-liverpool the revenge,coming soon on your favorite channel....

talishka said...

man u 3-milan 2. no surprize there then.

pipita said...

Seemed I missed a cracking game. 3-2 to man u... Is that professor greengrass still screaming in the tv room??? So, no tv, no internet for me at the moment. Guitou, coffee please coppi, bianchi whatever. Che Offy, start rolling the pakalolo hombre, vamos I want my pedazo

mimi said...

Fausto Coppi is a complete hero. Surely no debate?

guitougoal said...

Pipita,coffee bianchi, it's possible. Bianchi now manufacture vending machines and coffee machines.
Espresso, capuccino? como tu quieres?

mimi said...

Just winning the first part of my WC bet - Sri Lanka to go through. So drinks on me chaps - I've finally won a bet!!

pipita said...

Guitou
Excelente!!!!!! Ya mismo un cappuchino...Greengrass, stop yelling the game's over.Offy, que pasa con ese pakalolo che???Andando hombre

offside said...

Pipita,

toma, eso es un purro enorme, relleno de la yerba mas fina del Pacifico. !Atomico!

mimi said...

Oh - have I just walked into a foriegn bar, where there's no English spoken?

pipita said...

Orsay

Guaaau, este puro lleno de yerba sí que es un viaje de ida...Gracias hermano

Mimi

Invítame un trago hermanita, invite me with a drink sister

greengrass said...

Sisters&Brothers,
THAT was entertainment!

Tomorrow, at 8.45 p.m., I shall perform a recital of Peruvian pigeon-fanciers' songs of struggle. There's nowt on t'telly, so why not?

mimi said...

Pipita: the drink is of your choosing. Delighted to join you here.
GG: be very very careful about who you invite in the way of pigeon fanciers. Before you know it, you could have bloody Bill Lawrie in and that would not, believe me, be a pretty sight. He might even bring little bill - uurgh. And if not that, he'd bring Straylia. She is not a bird you want.

pipita said...

Greengrass
Watch out for Wilbur Smith, professor. Apparently shot down quite a few pigeons last weekend in Salta,in northern Argentina...
Mimi
Thanks for that Bailey's on the rocks. Ingrid, serve one for Professor Greengrass as well, his throat desperately needs soothing after that last minute Rooney goal

guitougoal said...

I am closing now, no more drinks, no more pokololo
finito, basta, no mas -we are closed-

marcela said...

un finito, guitou?
mmm.
perfect.

guitougoal said...

marcela.marcela no te va ,ven aqui-la tequila del patron?

offside said...

Ah merde, j'ai raté la tournée du patron? Il en reste? J'étais à la plage...

greengrass said...

Where did I get this hangover?

guitougoal said...

ricard ou pernod?

offside said...

juste un pastis, patron

greengrass said...

Ségolène, s'il vous plait!

offside said...

ouais, ségolène. Avec des olives.

guitougoal said...

olives, mais oui j'y suis!

guitougoal said...

moi je vais pour le Kirr comme segolene, Royal.

greengrass said...

(Pulls squeezebox from under coat and starts Cajuning around):

Ségolène, Ségolène,
Tell me, tell me, tell me
Where and when.
Be the frogesse in my throat
And you'll surely get my vote -
Ségolène, Ségolene, Ségolène...

(sticks bottle of Royal in pocket and squeezeboxes off towards horizon)

Ségolène, Ségolène...

guitougoal said...

oh mine, oh mine a poet late at night
the man is killing time, with me it's fine.
Nothing else to do. one more cigarette,
no help from the bourbom, need alka seltzer

offside said...

Alors, un kir royal, un pastis et un fernet-branca pour greengrasse. C'est parti!

Sans oublier les olives.

guitougoal said...

servi dans la minute, segolene a paye.

guitougoal said...

offside:I suggest next time you and your partner greengrass could you this version in a Tea-Room- with "cocktail hours"at two o'clock in the afternoon:
c'est chic.

offside said...

Tea room? Like miro says, I only drink tea when I'm terminally ill. No, this is a coffee shop, definitely.

Ebren said...

Café?

Noir si vous plait.

Et aussi avec une petit tranche du fromage du tapir.

Quoi?

Car vous me regardez comme ca?

offside said...

Pour le fromage de tapir, mon pote, va falloir te débrouiller tout seul.

Qu'est-ce que tu veux dans ton café? Du calva ou du rhum?

Ebren said...

Rhum. Toujours rhum.

Qu'est que c'est ca? Dans la tasse?

Mon dieu! C'est la fromage du Alan Ball.

J'ai dit TAPIR!

offside said...

D'accord, mais si tu veux du fromage de tapir, c'est toi qui vas traire le tapir.

Ebren said...

Boff

boffside said...

C'est bien ce que je pensais. Encore un café au rhum?

Ebren said...

RHUM!

Tu me encule!

Je bois seulement café au calva.

offside said...

Exactement. Je t'encule et je vais me coucher. Dans l'ordre.

Bonne nuit!

Ebren said...

Boff ;o)

Excuse-moi pour le mauvais Français

Vous etes tres gentil, monsieur

pipita said...

Alan Ball RIP

Guitou
Freak out!!!!!!!Le Chic, c'est Chic

Just realized the state I was in yesterday at the taproom. Why was I sounding like a mexican??????Boy has to be that pakalolo stuff. Or was it Mimi's drink, or the one Ingrid served me......Hang over indeed

guitougoal said...

pipita,mais oui parfaitement chic, dans la tradition et la culture. Comment expliquer cela a des ignorants des iles, des Robinson Crusoe d'operette, mon dieu
quelle decadence.

pipita said...

Guitou

Tranquilo. Ignorá a esos decadentes e ignorantes isleños......

mimi said...

Any chance of getting served in here? I was fancying a cocktail and to eat: some lightly smoked pigeon.

guitougoal said...

mimi , today I am off, get your drink from offside,he is coming late everyday, doen't pas my wages and keep the tips......
pipita que paso con river?

mimi said...

Well Offy: line 'em up for me please. I have the cricket to follow (glad you've got the big screen in for tonight) and also Liverpool v Chelsea - a needle match between me and my best mate. Drinks, now, please barman.

pipita said...

Guitou
No te acuerdas??? Esta noche juega con Colo Colo-pakalolo-ukelele-makelele. Ya está eliminado de la copa. Juega por nada. Creo que me voy a escuchar un tango de Gardel para tolerar esta terrible tristeza......

greengrass said...

This thread is beginning to sound like the Arsenal dressing-room - only Mimi insisting on English, though she's hounding Booth on the OBO now that she has changed teams and is supporting those underdogs, Australia.

Per che no parliamo italiano, la lingua migliore?

mimi said...

A bit unfair: I hound no-one, unless they threaten my tribe. I am simply honored to have been made a Citizen of Australia, and as such must support my team. Just cos we're going to win ....

guitougoal said...

la linga migliore per una notte a Napoli conla luna i el mare, il cielo mi porto..
Gardel, the french value him as the creator of tango.Is he?

greengrass said...

Yes, a night in Naples with the songs of Roberto Murolo beat Gretchen Sidebottom any day of the week.

The creators of tango are poverty and
longing.

greengrass said...

Mimi,
I'm sure the best thing about being awarded honorary Aussie citizenship is that you get to keep the Queen - Dog Shave Her! - since our cousins Down Under movingly voted for her.

Minchia - sono stanchissimo! A letto, vecchio lupu!

mimi said...

Gretchen Sidebottom - where's her brother Frank?

mimi said...

And ... I'm on fire tonight. Another slap from GU. They love me over there, they really do, Anyone else fallen foul recently?
What do I have to do to get a real ban rather than a slap?

pipita said...

Guitou, greengrass

Si, ma aspeta, Gardel non era francese ehhhhhhh

guitougoal said...

mimi, I heard green grass is offering free private lessons about the art of being banned-
he can do it in italian too...

honolulu said...

Me, too. mimi- I got a post deleted for calling someone out. They started it, but did their post get deleted?!?! No!!!

Hey Marcela, you would have been so proud, the American commentator on ESPN for the Big CUp game today was in LOVE with Mascherano. Everytime he touched the ball, the guy had something nice to say about him.

Wow! Rocky mountain oysters and a doobie. This place is like Cheers!

mimi said...

I think I've been slapped for supporting the Aussies. It's a tough call. I need a strong drink here.

guitougoal said...

honolulu, one of the commentator on espn2 can be very annoying (his voice is) with negatives about the players-with constant comments like "he should or he could" and about the refs too-In my view he is interfering with the flow of the game.

honolulu said...

I agree, guitou, at home I mute the t.v., but I went to the "public" for lunch. I just thought Marcela would be pleased to know what an impact Mascherano had on someone he hadn't influenced with poetry.

The commentator just had the sweetest things to say about Mascherano... had to share it with somebody.

Sebastian said...

thanks lulu.
very glad to hear it indeed.
examples?

marcela said...

weird.
that comment from 'sebastian' is in fact from me.
so, as i was saying... thanks lulu.

honolulu said...

It was almost cooing, like, "he has just been magnificent, every touch on the ball is majestic. He has been leading the Liverpool midfield brilliantly."
Usually I don't pay much attention to their comments because they confuse who they are talking about and mispronounce the names, (Mack-uh-layle for Makelele) but he actually sounded knowledgable in regards to Mascherano- he knew what team he came from and everything. I noticed that Hotpants Kempes is a Spanish language announcer for ESPN- I wonder if they talked about Mascherano in the Starbuck's line.

But he sounded a bit too much like a fangirl- like if I were to commentate for an Arsenal game and talk about Henry's play. It was very flattering, nonetheless.

guitougoal said...

oh boy marcela has a double, double brandy for me please.
lulu-espn deportes--carry theC L games with better play by play comments.... in spanish.

honolulu said...

but I don't ... well, I guess that is one way to learn Spanish...

guitougoal said...

Honolola, here you go.....mojito per favor.

honolulu said...

gracias!

offside said...

Hi all,

I'll have a mojito as well, as consolation for not being able to see the game.

Marcela, you lead a double life on the web as Sebastian? Tell me more...

guitougoal said...

mojitos,moroccan mint?
marcela tell us more........

honolulubaby said...

Hello offside! I will be in your timezone next week- I'm going home! My best friend lives in Kona so I'm going to the big island and oahu for over a week to celebrate her birthday. I'm going to try to convince my friend to go for a paddle... how do we train?

offside said...

Marcela's gone quiet. Maybe she's secretly preparing a cross-dressing number for the Pakalolo Tavern. I'm sure greengrass could put that to music.

I have the title: La belle et Sébastian.

guitougoal said...

music, guitar,
belle tu es si belle
qu'en te voyant
je t'ai aimee
belle que j'aime tant
depuis longtemps
Je t'attendais

guitougoal said...

offside that's the- la Belle et Sebastien song....-

offside said...

Hey, Lulu baby,

good for you. Hope you have a good time. How to train? Get on board and paddle! Getting an experienced local to show you the moves might help. (I can hardly mime from here.) Better still, try to join a short-staffed six seater and do as the Romans, sorry the Hawaiians.

We obviously expect a full report on these pages.

honolulu said...

You are more likely to get a mouthful of sand from makapuu- I will definately be bodysurfing. Although, I will also ask every dakine bra to teach me to paddle, too.

guitougoal said...

lulu, offside are you in the same time zone seriously?i mean hawai and tahiti?

guitougoal said...

Pipita, Carlos Gardel was born in Toulouse-
There is a controversy in argentina about his origin right?

offside said...

Lulu baby, good luck with the body surfing but do be careful. I heard the Hawaiian sharks were not as friendly as their Tahitian cousins.

Yeah, where are you usually? US east coast?

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