Friday, June 20, 2008

The Dressing Room Tapes June 17 2008 - as transcribed by mimi

Paul Collingwood gathers the troops, and sets the iPod going with a bit of a song:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=3Oec8RuwVVs&feature=related

PC: Hey boyos: how do you think we went today, can you read my mind?

KP: Quarter of a mill, there, chief?

PC: Don’t even think about fucking Stanford. We’re so, so not close to making it into to the top two of one-day cricket. Look, I know we had a bloody good time in the Twenty 20, and hammered the Kiwis today, but it might be a one off.

KP: I don’t think so. We fucking smacked them today – well I did, and you all know how fucking good I am

IRB: Kev – you didn’t do it on your own …. [bit tearful]

OS: No he fucking didn’t – Ian, you were fucking ace, and kept the innings going, Kev thinks he’s the man, and he is the Big Man, but he needs us. Fuck, in those last overs, he got shite while I scored off every fucking ball. Man, I won that match for England.

SB: Sorry, mate, don’t you think the bowlers had a bit to do with it? Everyone calls me the highlight blond who has to deliver. Well, I think I did a bit today. I’m the new Glenn McGrath!!!!

[KP wanders away, giggling almost insanely, I got a ton, I got a ton, I’m gonna earn a fucking million, left hand, right hand, what does it matter, I’m Ronnie O’Sullivan, ha, ha, ha]

In the back room, conversations:

Michael Vaughan: look, some of these guys are doing really well in the short form, but they’re not Test players (except Stuarty – cos we love him) but these are the guys going for the Stanford millions. We’ve got to make it fair.

Aggers: Well, is it all about the money then?

MV: We have to have an agreement in the dressing room. It’s not going to work if some guys get to earn a fucking huge ton for one match.

Blowers: There’s a helicopter overhead – wonder what that is? Oh Stanford dropping a few more millions. Well, I don’t care – rather watch for a few cranes.

Aggers: Look: this is the deal: gamble on a few hundred grand, in one match, or keep your souls intact playing a season for your country. Can’t we get them to see that?

MV: Not a fucking chance. Why do you think I’m back doing county Twenty20? They’ll say anything to the press, but money has the biggest mouth.

… the Tape fades, we’re losing contact with the dressing room and the back room. Aggers has his head in his hands, whispering – this is the death of cricket as we know it. Blowers has lost all grip on reality and is trying to count bees.

MPV gets up, straightens his shoulders, gives a despising look to the moribund BBC commentators and looks in the mirror.

“Who is the most beautiful of them all?” he says, and to his horror, the image in the mirror changes and looking back at him IS [duh, duh, duh, duh]: KEVIN PIETERSEN.

… sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

28 comments:

Ebren said...

Nice to have our spies back...

Sorry for dodgy formatting, the internet cafes on Kos aren't exactly state of the art and the greek keybaords are seriously confusing...

Zeph said...

Greek key boards? Elegant, but hard to interpret perhaps:)

Good fun, Mimi, though I suspect our non-cricketing fellow pseuds will need some help to know who everybody is!

mimi said...

I've never asked the footie types to explain eg the off-side rule or tell me who any of their popular types are.

Why should I go into details of explaining the lovely Stuart, or Luke or sometimes the quite nice Ravi for them??

mimi said...

Or even explain Mark Nicholas.

munni said...

Mimi, we'd be happy to explain the offside rule. You have but to ask.

So who are all these people?

offsideintahiti said...

ah oui, bien sûr, évidemment, enitèrement d'accord avec vous.

Je dirais même plus, vive le croquet.

mimi said...

OK munni, explain the offside rule, without resorting to using salt and pepper pots on the table!

munni said...

Very simple: don't shoot or do anything unless there are at least two opponents between you and the goal. Running up to meet the ball once it has already been played, is ok.

Condiments are only necessary for demonstrating the offside trap, and occasionally for arguments about the precise definition of "actively involved in play".

bluedaddy said...

Very good mimi, especially OS.

Ebren, 'internet cafe' - you're not fooling anyone you know. The fact is that you gave your yacht crew the day off and now, in the words of the Bard, you don't know what yer doin. I knew those Google ads were driving the cash into your account, but the least you could do is get some decent staff in at your hollowed out Volcano HQ while you swan off around the world.

Ebren said...

Sadly, none of you buggers click on the links, so there is still less than the minimum amount earned for me to get anything out. Also, I promised to buy Sean and Co at GU a pressie with the first pay cheque...

However, I did find a lovely location for my hollowed out base on my travels - I visited this place. Which was nice.

Zeph said...

I thought your Lordship was going over to see about buying Kos? Still, the volcano'll do nicely.

We have to click on the links??? Nobody told me, I thought page-loads would do it. What adverts have we got today that I can click on? Ah. Nuffink. They've gone away...

Zeph said...

Correction: they've gone to the bottom of the page.

munni said...

There, I've now caught up on all my delinquent clicking. In addition to funding Ebren's holiday, I have just saved the rainforests and fed homeless animals.

offsideintahiti said...

If anyone's looking for a tropical volcano gone cold...

Your Lordship, if you want the buggers to click, you have to set up naughty links.

munni said...

The fox soccer channel is currently showing Historic Archival Soccer: the 1992 Charity Shield. Do I really have nothing better to do than watch this? And why does Andy Gray keep pronouncing Cantona as Cantonaaah?

offsideintahiti said...

munni, shouldn't you be baking (or knitting) something to welcome young Samir at Arsenal?

munni said...

offie, I think you know me too well.

mimi said...

munni - I think that's so it rhymes with OOOH-AAAH

Which I seem to remember being one of those intensely cerebral chants that go around Football Stadia.

Of course the rhyming became far more complicated when Cantona started banging on about sardines and stuff, but there you go. All grist to the mill, or perhaps food for the seagulls.

Arsene d'Alsace said...

mimi,
cant-on-aaahh it's about a song:
"quand on a que l'amour"
munni, no welcome sweater for Samir but you should bake a xerotigana for
Ebrenos-Zorba the greek

munni said...

M. d'Alsace, I had to look up xerotigana. They sound tasty, but I'm not deep-frying anything in this heat. Which in fact is why I was watching the 1992 charity shield in the first place: I was supposed to be making dinner, but it took me almost an hour to get off the floor and walk into the kitchen.

Once young Samir actually signs his contract, I might do some nice stripey socks for him.

Mimi, OOOOH-AAAH is good, as football chants go - at least it's not racist and/or sexist.

mimi said...

mon cher M Arsene, I think you might need a touch of Chanson d'amour:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zk_-YSNYVyI&feature=related

offsideintahiti said...

Now, that's a cricket thread well and truly hijacked. Good job.

Arsene Alsalsa said...

a touch of manhattan transfer moi? it's good,transfer is very good-
quand les carottes sont Kuyt (offside)
on ajoute un Vent de Persil (guitou)-
Ze frenchmen know only about ze food.

guitougoal said...

munni,
"actively involved" means: -if you snooze you loose.

mimi said...

it's just how does it feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ts9r0QHuFHw

and did you check out that tennis ball?

greengrass said...

Back from playing "Little Frogs" at the weekend, then battling my way through a cold to do 3 Elvis gigs in 26 hours, I find you lot arguing about cricket.
Cricket is like Morris dancing - there's nothing to understand, other than that it gives a bunch of blokes an excuse to get away from their DIY/shopping/lawnmowing chores and enjoy some fresh air and the odd pint.

mimi said...

Well I think that it's just about this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6RML0YHOm8

munni said...

mimi, you never did explain who everyone is...?

Tweet it, digg it