by Offgrass and Greenside
In the misty kitchen of our favourite hostelry, reindeer horns stick out of a giant boiling cauldron. A hatchet-faced, almost-Arsenic Pseuds XI boss (Offside) leans on the work bench, a bottle of absinthe beside him. Dressed in a bloody apron and chef’s hat, he expertly tests the sharpness of a meat cleaver. On the other side of the bench stands Greengrass in Santa Claus garb, nervously fumbling with his hat.
Offside: What can I do you for, GG?
Greengrass: Well, boss, it’s this Munni business...
Offside: Munni?
Greengrass: Yes, Munni. Here I am, the regular left-whinger in the Pseuds XI. That’s been my berth for years - never missed a game, except when I’ve been banned.
Offside: Oui - and...
Greengrass: Well, then this slip of a girl turns up and flashes her eyes at you, and you give her my place in the side. It’s not right, I mean...
Offside: GG, GG - take it easy. You’re not getting any younger, and I have to think about the future of the Pseuds XI. I just want to ease her into the squad, rotate her under your expert tutelage, sell a few shirts in Asia.
Greengrass: So I’m not being farmed out on loan to Accrington Stanley?
Offside: No way!
Greengrass: And I won’t be banished to the touchline with a sponge and some smelling salts and a little jar of Dog Fat ointment, ready to nip on and give her legs a rubbing if she gets hurt?
Offside (shudders): Dog above, no! As sure as Liverpool is the City of Culture (suddenly gets a frog in his throat and coughs it up, deftly slipping it into the cauldron) you will still be our main man on the left whinge. I’ll have Munni in the side for the Mickey Mouse Cup and a few games against the weaker teams.
Greengrass: I see.
Offside: Oui. I mean, if you insist on tiring yourself out by chasing 13-year-old Gooners all over the pitch, or if you’ve been away on international duty, you can go off to Bognor Regis for a weekend...
Greengrass: Blackpool, please!
Offside: ...or Blackpool. You can see the illuminations, gorge some cockles and candy floss, have a lie-in or two, get your fortune told, then come back to turn out in the big games - the Cup finals, the title deciders.
Greengrass: So I get to keep the number 11 jersey?
Offside: Oui.
Greengrass (leaving): Grand! Right - I’ll be off to get some training in, then. We’ve got a crib game tonight against the Wheel Tapirs. Will there be any grub on?
Offside (pensively stirring reindeer stew): Mmmm - so what IS Dog Fat?
Dear Reader,
we hope, with the aid of this virtual real-life scenario, to enlist your help in tackling some of the big issues facing top-level football today - ageism, sexism, slow-food fetischism, binge thinking, sheer greed and so on.
What do YOU think?
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217 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 201 – 217 of 217In some ways it is sweet and fitting that the jokes are Tapiring off now. I mean they are an endangered species .
I'll get my coat.
tony,
you know the score with taproom tales: sooner or late, they surface; usually sooner.
Sit beside Mimi, buy her a few glasses of off-topic, jog her memory and Bob's your auntie...
yes Tony buy her few drinks and ask mimi about the changes on the menu.
In the new edition we have expand from Tapir stew: we have added grilled Panda, squirels or porcupines a la "tu m'enflames"-
any chance you are interested for a position in the Pakalolo XI please ask gg I think there is room for a goalkeeper, no need to jump though offside always prepares the drinks for the opposition prior to the game.
Tony,
we need a new left-whinge: there's only 347 of us in that position as yet.
You're a Hammers fan aren't you? If so, you must really be able to whinge - go on, remind me of the results of the last few gamed between the Hammers and the Red Devils!
Guitou forgot to mention the Jugged
Jagger on our next menu - the meat is a bit tough, so we'll have it simmering on the back burner for a week or two. We'll save the tongue for Mimi, of course.
jugged jagger tongue a la "tu m'enflammes", quelle merveille mimi.
wit c'est moi of course, guitou.
Um, lovely! Can't wait. Still mid-afternoon, Scots time, is far too early to embark upon a retelling of the Jagger experience. I'll see how I feel later. Perhaps after a snack of grilled panda.
well, it's a bit early to start drinking yet but I'll drop by later to get my round in when I've finished cooking the missus' dinner. Left whinger, gg? Isn't that a tautology? No, I think I prefer guitou's goalie suggestion. Mind you, as one of the world's worst footballers, I could probably make more of a contribution in the kitchen.
If mimi gets there before me, put s brandy and babycham on my slate for her; should loosen her tongue a little...
Well it's tea before bedtime for me for once. You're all more accustomed to mimi with tears before bedtime, but you see, this is 2008. A changed world. I can accept rare tapir on the menu and not sob inconsolably.
As long as I can have a hot toasted baby panda sandwich, I'll be a happy mimi.
Yum.
Tonygoalie, mimi offers to cut lemons at half time, isn't nice?
More than happy to do the half-time catering, guitou. For those who prefer not to suck on a lemon (though I'll make sure to have one handy in case Fergie shows up), I'm a dab hand at making grapefruit hedgehogs and blancmange rabbits.
What IS going on here?
Don't you people understand that this side has to go out and play matches against what are virtually the best teams in this world?
We can't have every Tom, Dick (sic) and Harriet picking the team willy-nilly.
Now, stop being silly or you'll end up like Liverpool FC!
gg,
do you mean we may play beautiful Arsenal?
gg
"Bobs your Auntie"
what are to trying to suggest about me?
Evening fellow Taproomers. Last night I had an extraordinary dream in which I was hunting for special pet food for Tapirs. Imagine my surprise to find such a product exists:
http://www.blackwell-synergy.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1748-1090.1973.tb02152.x
Who'd have thought???
Dear BannedinBerlin,
I was, of course, referring to my auntie Bob - my lad Ingrid's dogfather.
If, however, I tickled your funny bone, have no fear: your secret is safe with us.
Where's the Taproom? Only a few days before I go and this is not fun, cos Baby I was born to run..whooh ooh whooh who oh ho ho.
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