Monday, January 14, 2008

Kerfuffle in the Kitchen at the Pakalolo

by Offgrass and Greenside

In the misty kitchen of our favourite hostelry, reindeer horns stick out of a giant boiling cauldron. A hatchet-faced, almost-Arsenic Pseuds XI boss (Offside) leans on the work bench, a bottle of absinthe beside him. Dressed in a bloody apron and chef’s hat, he expertly tests the sharpness of a meat cleaver. On the other side of the bench stands Greengrass in Santa Claus garb, nervously fumbling with his hat.

Offside: What can I do you for, GG?

Greengrass: Well, boss, it’s this Munni business...

Offside: Munni?

Greengrass: Yes, Munni. Here I am, the regular left-whinger in the Pseuds XI. That’s been my berth for years - never missed a game, except when I’ve been banned.

Offside: Oui - and...

Greengrass: Well, then this slip of a girl turns up and flashes her eyes at you, and you give her my place in the side. It’s not right, I mean...

Offside: GG, GG - take it easy. You’re not getting any younger, and I have to think about the future of the Pseuds XI. I just want to ease her into the squad, rotate her under your expert tutelage, sell a few shirts in Asia.

Greengrass: So I’m not being farmed out on loan to Accrington Stanley?

Offside: No way!

Greengrass: And I won’t be banished to the touchline with a sponge and some smelling salts and a little jar of Dog Fat ointment, ready to nip on and give her legs a rubbing if she gets hurt?

Offside (shudders): Dog above, no! As sure as Liverpool is the City of Culture (suddenly gets a frog in his throat and coughs it up, deftly slipping it into the cauldron) you will still be our main man on the left whinge. I’ll have Munni in the side for the Mickey Mouse Cup and a few games against the weaker teams.

Greengrass: I see.

Offside: Oui. I mean, if you insist on tiring yourself out by chasing 13-year-old Gooners all over the pitch, or if you’ve been away on international duty, you can go off to Bognor Regis for a weekend...

Greengrass: Blackpool, please!

Offside: ...or Blackpool. You can see the illuminations, gorge some cockles and candy floss, have a lie-in or two, get your fortune told, then come back to turn out in the big games - the Cup finals, the title deciders.

Greengrass: So I get to keep the number 11 jersey?

Offside: Oui.

Greengrass (leaving): Grand! Right - I’ll be off to get some training in, then. We’ve got a crib game tonight against the Wheel Tapirs. Will there be any grub on?

Offside (pensively stirring reindeer stew): Mmmm - so what IS Dog Fat?

Dear Reader,

we hope, with the aid of this virtual real-life scenario, to enlist your help in tackling some of the big issues facing top-level football today - ageism, sexism, slow-food fetischism, binge thinking, sheer greed and so on.

What do YOU think?

220 comments:

1 – 200 of 220   Newer›   Newest»
Ebren said...

I have to say that I think two left sided whingers can be incorporated into one Pseudo side.

I mean, we've got the centre-ground covered pretty well, and I see no reason for Offgrass to be left back in Blackpool, when we can have an offensive left Whinger - looking to go on the attack at the slightest hint of an opening and then tie the opposition full back in knots - and a defensive one, comfortable to take on the main thrusts of the opposition's right sided forrays, and defelect them into the centre ground or go for a swift verbal volley of the argument to the far left, where it can be picked up and run with by the more offensive player.

Something does need to be done about our hole down the right though. We have a tendancy to crumble under left-wing attacks and iffer little resitance.

We can cover the centre-right, but we need a big right-whinger and defender to step up and make themselves counted.

I've sent scouts to the Telegraph, Mail, and Sun message boards to try and track one down - but until then we will have to make do with a right-thinking left-whinger to try and blunt the more far-left assaults down our right flank.

Ebren said...

I'm drinking alone again aren't I?

offsideintahiti said...

M'lord Chairman, just make sure you don't drink on an empty stomach, try the reindeer stew, tell me what you think.

Oh, and if a dude in a red suit comes in asking for Rudolf, well... you haven't seen me.

Ebren said...

Stew?

But if we eat the rest what will we use to weatherproof the other side of the roof?

offsideintahiti said...

*slaps forehead*

Aah, maybe that's what the dog fat is for...

Zephirine said...

Wonderful, the taproom's open again! Ah, reindeer, my favourite. Lord Ebren, are you drinking alone or merely distracting the chef?

The virtual footie team sounds excellent but how are you ever going to get a Pseud to admit to being a right whinger?

munni said...

I don't want trouble. If left-whinge is taken, I can be the small child who leads the team onto the pitch, instead.

pipita said...

Offy

Just for the sake of avoiding your choking with frogs, I suggest we re-designate Liverpool as Capital City of Pseuds and re-baptize you as Ringo....I'm sure the likes of Hannibal, MOTM and AndrewM will no doubt approve this move

Richard Littlecock said...

What in God's name is going on in here? Call this a drinking club? From where I'm standing I'm seeing women, foreign food and the effing French? What next? Poofs, 'travelling folk' and unemployed, pregnant jukies or whatever one calls illicit drug users nowadays.

And Palakooloo? What kind of name is that? Dog and Duck. Fox and Hound. Cheese and Pickle.

I miss Maggie.

(Bursts into tears. Calls a cab. Leaves.)

offsideintahiti said...

Ringo? Bingo!

gg said...

Follow that cab, Ebren - with a name like "Littlcock" he must be our right-whinger!

gg said...

munni -

we can share the left-whinge berth.

We've lost 7 small children this season - before they get to the centre circle, some French bloke signs them.

bluedaddy said...

Anyone seen my Uncle Richie? Tall bloke. Blazer. Weeps a lot.

Anyhow I'm only here for the beer. I'll have a pint of Skol and a packet of Scampi Fries

pipita said...

No Offy, I meant Ringo Bonavena actually.....He was recently quoted in Ridley Scott's excellent Amercian Gangster
No pakalolo yet?? Prawn cocktail Walker's crisps will do for me then

gg said...

Sorry, BD, no scampi fries.

We do have bull's fries...

guitougoal said...

Are you serious Muni & gg left wing?from XS to XXXL we only have one size jersey for the number 11!
another thought -Right wing defender from spain:franscisco Franco forgoten on the Real madrid bench since 4 decades- on the far left Tony Benn who got more than a trick in his hat.

munni said...

Francisco Franco? Is he still alive?

pipita said...

I'd rather have a certain Ernesto Guevara on the left flank. Has a tendency of playin with army boots and smokes far too many cigars, but i'm pretty certain he's got the pace

guitougoal said...

Ernesto belongs to la ligua-I don't think we can afford him-

pipita said...

Fair enough Guitou, but don't forget it's the Central American liga, I'm sure we can at least get hold of him on loan

offsideintahiti said...

Munni, you don't have to be alive to play in the Pseuds XI.

gg said...

...and you don't have to be alive to play for Real Madrid.

mimi said...

Haven't read anything yet - just checking in and mines a white russian please!
Back in a mo when I've checked out the company and the ladies!

guitougoal said...

pipita, el che on loan that will be the day.
muni, Franco is still alive, they locked him with monkeys at the Madrid
zoologic parc and once a year he is dancing with clowns at the Camino Real parade.

bluedaddy said...

mimi, surely EVP is still too young for the Tavern, even if he's not too young for you?

mimi said...

bluedad: are you referring to my interest in the under-19s? I assure you it is totally professional - and a wish to get one over on those bloody selectors who think they have the bunce on the up and coming stars! Grrr!

guitougoal said...

i am doing a funy sketch of ferocius mimi running after a bunch of scared selectors.

Zephirine said...

Here's a suitable cocktail, maybe:

FROG JUICE
litre lemonade
carton orange juice
bottle Bucks Fizz
bottle Archers Peach Schnapps
bottle rum
bottle Smirnoff Black Vodka
Mix together in a large punchbowl

Apparently "This stuff looks revolting, hence the name Frog Juice, but it tastes heavenly!!"

This recipe isn't from my usual supplier, not sure about it really but give it a whirl eh?

guitougoal said...

zeph,
thanks, I can use the rhum, freezing my butt in Paris.

Ebren said...

Che would never play on the left wing, we all know he loved rugby more.

Now, a Pseuds XV, that he would play 11 for and no trouble finding a right winger for that side.

Barkeep - pint of of the usual off-topic with a double of irrascable for a chaser

Zephirine said...

I'll just pop this on the jukebox - a little guest appearance by Jimi.

Freezing in London too, Guitou.

gg said...

Dog above, Ebren, that article on Che's rugby days was an eye-opener!

I am chuffed to find even more points in common than us both being left whingers with an eye for the ladies: we were both inside centres at rugby, and both good tacklers.

Must admit, though, Che definitely had the edge on me: I'd never have hit upon the idea of sidling off once in a while to inhale (though if I'd known Offy in my rugby days,
I'm sure he would have pointed me in that direction).

offsideintahiti said...

Good music, Zeph, thanks. Old times Good times, indeed. It's to see everyone in here (well, nearly everyone, but I'm sure Andy will be along as soon as he's finished dismembering squirrels, or whatever it is he does for a living, and the others will follow).

gg, smoking is indeed compulsory on the Pseuds' XI. In fact, our main defensive tactics will be based on the "smokescreen formation" for the rest of the season. Get puffin'.

offsideintahiti said...

Ahem, fill in with your adjective of choice after "It's" and before "to see everyone in here": nice, wonderful, predictable, alarming, etc...

Zephirine said...

pseudish?

gg said...

offy,

is puffin soup on the menu?

munni said...

Didn't el Che also play (football) in goal? Or have I completely made that up?

gg said...

munni,

it's a pleasure to be whingeing with you, but just one word of warning: making things up is not approved on here.

offsideintahiti said...

gg,

yeah, puffin soup will be on the menu as soon as you bring in the day's catch. Guitou will then make a native american style headdress for Lord Ebren with the feathers.

offsideintahiti said...

That's "Chief Lord Ebren Chairman", as he must be addressed, sorry.

Yes, munni, keep it sensible, thank you.

bluedaddy said...

Unless it's a cocktail gg.

That picture of Che:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/graphics/2007/10/05/srbren105.jpg

Good job he got himself a beret. That scrum cap wouldn't have shifted as many posters to 70s students looking to seem a bit edgy.

Fantastic piece on Che though. He just seems like a top bloke. I think I'd have had a poster too.

Ebren said...

feathers? again?

I thought it would be porcupine quills at least this time...

And what of my ceremonial coal of Badger tails?

Ebren said...

and the coat

Zephirine said...

Beret? You want a guy in a beret?

gg said...

Sorry, Offy - only two puffins. That'll be very thin soup.

Er, Mimi - who's taking care of your luvly lickle kitties while you're away?

mimi said...

what happened to the squirrels? Thought I might be able to be a Tufty coat here - given what happened to my tapir ...

gg said...

I'll get me flannel nightshirt.

Offy's on the night shift, and tomorrow's menu includes monkey meat (for the cricket buffs) and camel (for LFC fans who have the hump).

mimi said...

flannel nightshirt? It's so damn cold here we have flannel bedsheets!

mimi said...

And why should we care??
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Qv6QTrWXN4

gg said...

Bloody 'ell!

Is this a taproom or is it a Trappist wake?

Let's see - if I remove those reindeer horns, there'll be room for a hump or two, a few gibbons and the odd cat.

I'll just leave it on gas mark 3 while I go for a training run. Ingrid?

Ingrid?!

ingrid said...

*emerges from the larder, re-applying lipstick*

Sorry, gg, the Frenchman fell asleep on the job, I had to tuck him in. What can I do for you?

gg said...

They always do, Ingrid luv - if they ever turn up for work, they fall asleep on the job.

Did he quote you a special price to fix your plumbing?

Thought so!

(Toddles off, reciting: "There was a young plumber of Lee/Who was plumbing...)

guitougoal said...

muni, forget the thought of gg in his flannel nightshirt, that could bring you nightmares during the night.
if you watch the superbowl, check out
the Bridgestones commercial with a little dog and the tire.

BannedinBerlin said...

Well, I finally done it, I whinged and whinged and got myself banned at the Guardian. Offie, I could whinge for England, well a McClaren type England anyway, any place for another left whinger in the team?
So, how do I get myself un-banned - any tips - as you lot seem to have been banned more than once.
Tried a change in name, but the gits recognise my address.

Ebren said...

I've never need more than a second email address and a bit of imagination for a new pseudonym to sign up anew.

However, Sir Olly and Greengrass have allegedly needed to employ more ingenuity.

They are - I believe - the established authorities on being banned.

What did you do? Was it a witty song?

Zephirine said...

Harrumph, those GU mods need to get off Facebook and concentrate on a consistent policy, that what I say. The cricket blogs have been all over the place the last few days, trolls romping about hurling abuse, Indians burnng virtual effigies, and where were the Mods? Twittering, I'll be bound.

Banned in Berlin (we already have a BinB, are you the same person?) have you tried using Firefox?

gg said...

BannedinBerlin,

how I envy you that callow flush of the first banning!

I well remember when I - Dog above, Ingrid, that's a sharp elbow!

OK, BinB, I'll get to the point:

1) The Pseuds' XI left whinge is getting extremely crowded. I'd offer you a spot on the right whinge, but I've just signed Chiang Kai Shek for that position so we can make a few Chiang Kai Shekels selling jerseys in the Far East - which happens to be where they're made, anyway. Globalisation allows us to sell them back to the people who make them at a 1000% mark-up...

If Che will stop ogling Munni and move over a bit, we can squeeze you in here.

2) Open a new e-mail account and re-register a new password - you could try "BannedinBerlin" for a laugh, then do it all again if they twig it.

3) Are there any interesting or unusual animals or recipes in Berlin?

BannedinBerlin said...

thanks guys for the tip, I tried a new email address and new name, in fact I tried 2 new email addresses and 2 new names, they let me comment on CiF with all the other loonies, but no good on the sports blog, I am hoping it will work when I get back to Berlin, I mean, what I am I supposed to do at work all day? There's only so much time you can entertain yourself with spreadsheets. See, I'm whinging again.
As for unusual animal recipes, anyone who knows and loves German cuisine will be able to identify with the unidentifiable meat in jelly. Not much of a market for Penguins in Berlin, although they do do a nice line of Calve's brains if you are in the mood.
All I did was suggest good old 'Arry might have friends at BetFair! It wasnt too bad, its just that I repeated it several times, perhaps they banned me for being boring!

guitougoal said...

banned, i envy you, i wished i could be banned every day, do you care for few suggestions:
AUTOBAHNed- Berlinstrasse or Berlinstressed- FuckedinBerlin-ReborninBerlin-
Meinfurherisrich-AdolfvsCoMod-Nomasberlin-
Blogginberlin- Berlingot.

guitougoal said...

banned, i envy you, i wished i could be banned every day, do you care for few suggestions:
AUTOBAHNed- Berlinstrasse or Berlinstressed- FuckedinBerlin-ReborninBerlin-
Meinfurherisrich-AdolfvsCoMod-Nomasberlin-
Blogginberlin- Berlingot.

gg said...

Pity it didn't work for you, Banned - I've never had any problems.

Not really surprised they banned you - I mean, who would believe a thing like that about 'Onest 'Arry?

Not sure I'd buy a used tapir from him, mind!

ingrid said...

Ach yes, Guitou, grand fou, talk German to me...

mimi said...

gg: it's just tapir, tapir, tapir with you isn't it?
Anyone would think you were trying to upset me!

gg said...

mimi,

are you telling me it might be worth my while trying?

mimi said...

gg: idly channel-hopping the other day, I came upon Animal Park and a piece about baby tapirs. I thought of what would happen if one found its way to the Taproom and nearly wept.

gg said...

mimi -

feel free to bring one along, we don't eat the babies.

The French do, though.

mimi said...

I'm sure the french, at least those in control of cooking in the Taproom, have a particularly special way of turning baby tapir into bacon and stew.

Thanks for the offer, gg, but I think I'll pursue my lonely crusade of making the Taproom a tapir-free zone!

I'll have some puffin stew though.

guitougoal said...

french eating babies? i am sure Sarko
had one today.
btw, who is bannedinberlin? may be a spy from another blog stealing our cooking and cocktails recipes-

gg said...

No puffin stew left, mimi - BannedinBerlin wolfed the lot.

We have some reindeer horns and bones, if you're in a gnawing mood - lots of marrow in there, the Japs pay a fortune for it.

offsideintahiti said...

The only Berliner I know is Bob. Is that you, Bob? Welcome to the twilight zone, home of the world famous and delicious Baby Tapir Rolls.

guitougoal said...

Japs are very popular in Paris right now: "from Kuroda to Fujita" great exhibit of Foujita paintings at the Japanese house of culture- am i of tropics?

Iain said...

BannedBobinBerlin 'Arry's price for ToonofDoomFC came in as tight as 7-1 at the bookies today. Someone is pulling someone's chain that's for sure!

This hour's favourite is Didier Deschamps. By tomorrow Kendo Nagasaki will be odds-on for the job. But can he work with wor Alan?

mimi said...

Deschamps? Didn't he have something to do with urinals, or was that Duchamps?

Luton Town seem to be troubling Liverpool. Have we slipped into a parallel universe?

And when File is in Canada, will Moose stew be on the menu?

guitougoal said...

mimi, i'm glad you brought File back in the picture, is the brat still recovering from the holydays?
Deschamps, best possible news for Newcastle, the guy is 2 for 2. Monaco from nowhere to CL final against Porto and Juve back in business after their "relegation".

gg said...

If that's you, Bob, we can drench GU in posts stating "Ich bin ein BerlinerBob".

guitougoal said...

I may add:"fick dich selbst" for banning purpose.

ingrid said...

Ach, stop it Guitou, you don't know what you're doing to me.

gg said...

The French Connection might be just the thing for the Maggies.

If Didier takes the job, he should change his surname to "Deschumps".

mimi said...

What's the score? I hear Torres hasn't delivered? Are footballers midwives now?

I'm confused of Hopeman, again!

guitougoal said...

mimi just stay focus on the stew, i am starving, - Ingrid, yes it's true
she likes french speaking german.
gg, about these blody frenchmen, Platini did score a big one today didn't i tell ya....g14 will not survive-let's see what Kevin has to say about it.

Ingrid said...

mimi, dear, those Latins never do deliver. Far too little coitus, far too much interuptus. They even fall asleep on the job. If I were you, I'd stick to those big, brawny, hairy Scots in skirts.

mimi said...

Stew, what stew? I didn't get any and yet I can detect the aroma in the Taproom of something warm and delicious. Could it be a 5 nil win for Liverpool? Um lovely. Luton stew. I hear the team were flogged on the field. Fun and no doubt will render them nice and tender for the pot.

gg said...

guitou,

yes, the G14 group has obviously served its purpose.

The "governing bodies" will compensate the clubs when they release their players to turn out for their national sides.

The big clubs, who own the players, have succeeded in doing what they exist to do - make money for their owners.

They will continue to conspire.

Super League by 2010?

Nightshirt time for me - a big Elvis gig tomorrow!

mimi said...

gg: I've been in my nightgown for hours already. The only reason I'm not in my bed is that I was waiting for witty and amusing dialogue at this place.

Oh and the fact it takes quite a while to boil the kettle enough times to fill hotties!

BannedinBerlin said...

gg, yep its me, got the red card for suggesting nefarious going on's between Redknapp and BetFair. Doubly peed off as I am stuck at home with the lurgi. Missed The Enemy last night in Berlin (me being back in England) so trebley peed off! Could it get any worse, well yes, the only footie on telly was Liverpool V Luton, so I bowed to Mrs Banned's will and watched -Clockwork Orange style - MasterChef and then a 4 year old episode of Top Gear.

BannedinBerlin said...

Oh yeah, and the puffin stew gave me indigestion.

mimi said...

I'm feeling a bit guitly. It's Book Group tonight and we're doing Ian McEwan's Atonement. I thought it dire - couldn't be doing and solicitated views from all my FB mates, but forgot to check here if there are words of wisdom to add.

Feel free, even if later than in one hour when I'll be leaving as I can pass on thoughts after the event.

Cheers, Pseuds.

munni said...

I thought I was the only one who found Atonement dire. He writes beautifully, but so cold and detached and completely unengaging, and not a single likeable character. And ultimately not much of a point. I'm not helping, am I?

munni said...

Keegan back at Newcastle. Bizarre.

mimi said...

munni: bless you. Helping a lot.
Will quickly copy and paste your comment to my Anti-Atonement doc and print out to take to Group. That's of course when I finish cooking little baby tapirs (sorry, sausages) to take with me too.

mimi said...

Oh and Munni, you can join a Facebook group about Ian McEwan and Atonement.

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2247073802&ref=mf

And if you join Facebook, you can be part of our fun group over there too where we do stupid things like get up early to follow cricket and argue about football!

Ebren said...

Mimi - don't forgrt to mention it's largely plagerised.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/07/books/07pync.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

guitougoal said...

among many other less respectable things....

BannedinBerlin said...

mimi cannot help, got "On Chesil Beach" (Xmas present from the kids, always buying me books to while away the dull, lonely hours in Berlin) Bless 'em, if only they knew....anyway, back to the book, like McCarthy's Bar, it got thrown across the room around page 35.
King Kev eh? Sky are laying eggs as we speak.

mimi said...

Grist to my mill, Lord Great Panjundrum Ebren Sir, grist to my mill. And just in time.
Baby tapirs cooked to a turn and just about to bolt up the road but had one last check here.

Thanks troops.

PS Did I ever mention that I once knew someone, and this is hand on heart true, called Justin Side?

BannedinBerlin said...

mimi, come on...and I knew someone called Hugh Jarse.
Mind you, I did really know a Robin Hood at Our Lady of the Angels in Nuneaton, and there are one or two Micheal Hunt's in the RR email address book, whether or not they call themselves Mike is questionable.

offsideintahiti said...

gg, you've done it again, haven't you? Serving faulty fowl instead of fresh puffin? Look, we get a new customer for the first time in yonks and you go and give him indigestion. If we had a license, we'd be in danger of losing it.

Bob, have a bowl of reindeer glue, I mean stew. It's on the house.

BannedinBerlin said...

offie, this is weird, but my lovely wife has just called me downstairs for some homemade chicken soup...to make me feel better

bluedaddy said...

Lad at our school called Ivor Payne. Poor sod.

guitougoal said...

i knew a Mickey Mahooze once -seriously-a mormon living in utah-
wouldn't you change your name in a
similar situation?

offsideintahiti said...

Guitou,

il avait un gourdin dans sa housse?

mimi said...

Honest, not trying to start any thread at all, but Justin Side was Karen Side's brother. His parents hadn't thought it through.

I did also know a boy Nick, who's surname was Lass. It didn't work as well as Justin, but still raised plenty of laughs.

We were cruel and quite probably still are. Ha ha ha!!

Anonymous said...

I think this guy seriously needs a payday loan. But that's just one opinion.

gg said...

When I busked in Paris in the mid-60's, me and my mate met a bloke from Camden Town called Sean O'Looney.

He was great on the spoons.

mimi said...

In the early 80s we busked Chatelet les Halles and St Michel mostly. I was the bottler and I got arrested at St Michel on the fountain. Which was unusual cos mostly the Paris gendarmes were quite nice to us.

Aah memories, memories.

gg said...

Me and my mate got pulled once by the gendarmes.

His passport was South African. They leafed through it, found the page with his name, wrote it in their book.

The bright buggers then found the same page in my British passport and wrote my name: Student Oldham.

We made a small fortune outside Au Pied de Cochon, and I learned how to overcome Basque resistance.

mimi said...

This started making me feel warmly reminiscent. Now I'm just feeling sad and old. Best have a cup of tea and bedtime, probably.

offsideintahiti said...

Yeah right, go to bed and leave me alone in here. Go on, I'm used to it... sigh.

guitougoal said...

mimi, i bet justin and karen always went side by side.

guitougoal said...

offie,
"un gourdin dans sa blouse" probably
the mormon had two wifes.

mimi said...

guitou: of course, but unless I am being even dumber than usual, there's no joke there.

Anonymous said...

(Yawn)

I'll get me nightshirt (even Elvis had to sleep sometimes).

Any tapir bacon left for breakfast?gg

munni said...

gg, "got pulled by the gendarmes", I had to read that sentence more than once before I understood correctly.

Apparently Mormons are known for having strange names. Someone sent me this website recently:
http://wesclark.com/ubn/deseret_2.html

mimi said...

Anon: don't try to hide behind the system. You're one of those tapir eating bastards.

There is no more tapir here! Puffin stew, wings of desire
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093191/

and many other sources of joy and amusement. But please Offie, no more tapir. Have mercy on my little friends.

mimi said...

munni: your comment on McEwan and Atonement was well recieved at the Group.
Thank you

Zephirine said...

Baby tapirs are stripey, I never knew that.

munni said...

mimi, glad to be of service.

zeph, they look like furry stripey piglets! I want one!

offsideintahiti said...

Stripey and tastey.

offsideintahiti said...

I'm working on it. How would you like yours, Munni, roasted, boiled, braised?

mimi said...

No. No no non non you fiends! And that most definitely isn't a typo for friends - even with a Lehrer-esque silent r.

No, leave baby stripy tapirs to grow up in peace. Not feared to be hunted for the Taproom pot. No. please.

We can have squirrels, moose, left wingers/whinghers, but not baby tapirs.

offsideintahiti said...

Mimi, how could you think that? You really don't know me very well if you think I'd stick the baby tapir in the pot.

But properly boned and dressed, they make a great nem-style roll.

Bring them in and I'll have some ready for gg's breakfast.

Zephirine said...

They do look rather cute. Sort of like piglets in Newcastle shirts..

mimi said...

Offy: you are a very bad person. You've made me giggle although I should be protecting baby stripey tapirs.

Not fair.

I'm away to get some well-deserved sleep now, but will probably have dreams about poor little tapirs being made ready for the Taproom grill.

offsideintahiti said...

Zeph, are you sure you're not looking at a picture of Paul Gascoigne?

Zephirine said...

Offie, the tapir is more attractive, surely?

Even after you've skinned it.

offsideintahiti said...

More appetizing, certainly. And I'm not sure we have a pot big enough to cook Gazza in.

Zephirine said...

I can get you some nice squirrels, my neighbour feeds them and they're almost too fat to run away...any use to you?

Zephirine said...

Actually they are doubly 'nice' squirrels, because believe it or not she feeds them on Nice biscuits.

(For the benefit of our French pseudiques, Nice biscuits are made in England and apparently have nothing to do with Nice in France. They taste of coconut.)

So the squirrels may have rather an odd flavour.

offsideintahiti said...

Baby Tapir and Coconut Squirrel on a skewer.

Nice.

exvanp said...

Oi! I thought I had the left wing resevre berth! And I'm a proper Left winger, too. left footed and a socialist, from a family of Commies.

exvanp said...

-resevre
+reserve

Bah, still can't spell.

offsideintahiti said...

exvp,

you can obviously spell, but you just as obviously can't type. Nuance, as Arsène would say.

exvanp said...

Heh

offside said...

But you are very articulate, obviously, eh?

DoctorShoot said...

squirrels (and tapirs etc) can be kept on ice as required and used later

http://www.sitella.co.uk/sideline/diversions/skwerls/index.html

Pink Squirrel recipe

1 oz creme de noyaux
1 tbsp white creme de cacao
1 tbsp light cream

PS
is there a macho whinge position open? (as in too .... to the bank)

PPS where to find your tapir:
The Tapir Preservation Fund and Wildlife Preservation Trust
International request funding to help preserve the Andean mountain
tapir (Tapirus pinchaque) in Ecuador's protected areas.

The most generous estimate is that there are 2500 mountain tapirs left
in the world; the most conservative, 1000. Roughly half of these are in
Ecuador, where they are hunted even in protected national parks. The
mountain tapir could be extinct within a decade.

offside said...

Endangered? Shit, we'll have to raise the price on the menu.

(nice to see u, Doc:)

gg said...

expersil,

we have no room for wingers.

Tell you what - if you're triply qualified (both left-footed, a card-carying Commie AND a left-footer wot's been to the Vatican and kissed that owd bag o' rags hand) AND well under the age of consent I'll have a word with our Arsenic manager and see if there's a place for you in our yoof team.

Failing that, you could try to get your full whingeing license (just say "Hicks" or "Fancy your chances for the PL title this year?" to a Liverpool fan and they'll show you how it's done for free).

If all else fails, I'll try to squeeze you in between Munni and Che in a (probably vain) attempt to delay his final assault.

I'd like to direct you to this week's Red Devils theme song - Randy Newman's "It's Lonely at the Top" - on You-tube, but I wouldn't know where to start.

Kevin Keegan!

offside said...

gg,

we have a yoof team?

I knew about the hoof team, but yoof?

gg said...

offy,

we have one now.

It's your fault - it was you who advised me that I should desist from chasing juvenile Gooners all over the park, and extra is one of them.

offside said...

Great news! I'll put spring chicken on the menu immediately. We'll start with exvp. Will you pluck him while I go and borrow "Recipes for tender meat" by Arsène Wagner from Mimi's book group?

gg said...

Sor-ted! Will one suffice?

See if you can borrow "Touche pas à mon cooking pot" by Germaine Grunge while you're there.

offside said...

Hmmm, nouvelle cuisine féministe politiquement correcte? Not really my cup of absinthe, but I'll try anything once. Including young gooner on a spit, or even Liver-poule broth.

gg said...

Offy -

off for a while, but I'll be happy to taste both of those courses when I return.

Will you use Germaine's "Twit on a Spit" or Edna Sludge's "Git on a Spit" recipe?

guitougoal said...

simone de beauvoir broth on the menu
while the left wing crisis is still on topic-why don't you play with 2 left wings for a change-Lasagna Diarrhea wouldn't never figure this one out.

BannedinBerlin said...

Nothing too exotic on the menu in Berlin, but we od have the weird tastes of Armin Meiwes
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/3286721.stm

...if the link doesnt work, its cos I am useless.

Zephirine said...

Doc, that news item is wonderful. "No man should hit his wife - especially with a squirrel."

Guys, I'm slightly alarmed at this assault on exrvanp, is he not a customer of the Pakalolo Tavern? Eating the clientele is surely bad for business.

Also, in putting together our virtual footie team we shouldn't be hidebound by the rules of boring old earthbound football, should we? I mean, OK, we should probably only have 11 players but why shouldn't they all be left-whingers, after all the play in the interweb dimension must mostly drift towards the left anyway, non?

Unless you're playing in the Murdoch League, of course.

gg said...

Zeph -

dead right!

If that had happened in England, I'm not sure what the husband had got most time for - beating up his missus, or maltreating squirrels.

I don't think that Offy was suggesting actually eating up any Gooners. He was probably indulging in a bit of playful sledging, inspired by His Arsenic Highness of the Emirates. Anyway, I doubt if there's enough meat on them to interest a true gourmand like Offy.

I like your idea of us abandoning the constricts of Association Footy: we can have 10 (or more) left whingers in the side plus Chiang Kai Shek on the right whinge (for the sake of our Far East jersey sales).

Any chance of Chanelle turning up if Che plays?

pipita said...

Very pleased to see that Ernesto G, as I suggested, is establishing himself as the undisputed left whinger of the Pseuds eleven. I'm a bit concerned however about how Ingrid is coping with his culinary habits. He's used to eating all type of weird species in the jungles of Latina America......

gg said...

pipita -

undisputed?

No way!

All our left whingers are very partial to disputes: during their annual Long March (from the Pakalolo car park to the Pakalolo bar) they instantly sort into factions, ice-picks flashing in the setting sun.

Once they arrive at the bar, they argue interminably about which socialist anthem to start with (and in which language). By chucking-out
time, they still haven't sung a word or drunk a drop - but they have had a really good whinge, and spawned a few new factions in the meantime.

Once they've left, Che emerges from the cellar, gnawing away at a blissful Ingrid.

guitougoal said...

gg,
pied de cochon-I walk by every day on my way to the office rue jean jacques rousseau- they all remember you, but not in the best way.......

gg said...

guitou,

enjoy the memories with them (as long as you don't tell them how to find me).

mimi said...

Excellent link Doc - always knew the art of taxidermy was not yet dead and stuffed.

Offie: I am horrified at your reaction to tapir scarceness! Raise the prices indeed! What next - roast tapir with a soupcon of baby giant panda on the side?

I think I need a large drink to recover. An absinthe and vodka cocktail of some sort might do the trick.

Ebren said...

Mimi – you’re a genius!

Get the signs made now: “Tapirs – get ‘em quick before they run out”
“Limited stocks”
“Buy now, or die wondering...”

We could charge what we like!

exvanp said...

gg,

;(

You may be lonely at the top, but I'm willing to use Mawal/aceal logic and claim that being behind on goal difference isn't really being behind :)

Offside,

I have the flu, try to eat me and you'll get it too! Plus whatever vaccines they stuff into kids back in Old Country at birth.

I can play left back too. I just can't really defend.

guitougoal said...

exvanp,
do not worry, no need for defence.Pseuds is all about attack.

offside said...

exvp,

when you read about what they feed and inject into cattle these days, it makes you feel like cannibalism isn't such a bad idea. Or maybe I've just been in the South Pacific for too long. Ingrid was mumbling something about a missionary, that must have put me in the mood.

pipita said...

Hey GG

Yeah, I reckon Ernesto has no time for these European socialist and their futile debates at the pakalolo, he's a man of action

gg said...

ex,

mawal/aceal logic heap bad medicine.

Get well soon - if Offy don't eat you, the Red Devils will.

mimi said...

Lord Ebren: charge enough and even my morals may evaporate!

offside said...

Hey pipita,

I was thinking of you last weekend. Cavenaghi is finally flying, he scored two crackers in Bordeaux's win vs Auxerre (well, a cracker and a tap-in). And did you see Krupoviesa's debut with Marseille? He got a straight red (bit harsh) for his very first foul in Ligue 1. He's River, isn't he?

pipita said...

Hiya Offy

Yeah, I heard all about Cavenaghi's, -aka: "el gordo" "the fatty"-, couple of goals last weekend. Didn't manage to see them on any sports news programme though. I think he's a really top quality striker and wouldn't be surprised if he keeps improving. as for Krupoviesa amazing start at Marseille, well, Ive never thought much of his as a defender....Doesen't seem a very clever minded player either

pipita said...

El gordo was River and Krupo was Boca, but my analisis on these two playerswas completely objective off course......

offside said...

Of course, Pipita, we know where to come for an unbiased view on Argentine football. Not like that lass who writes for the Guardian. Where is SHE, anyway?

professor piaget greengrass said...

(cap in hand, touching forelock),

Dear Lord Ebren, Your Holiness, Sir,

your use of the verb "to defelect" intrigues me.

We were discussing the matter over a few braised squirrels today, and one of my chaps who is doing her doctorate suggests that this verb is of Cornish origin.

Though not a Corn, she is cognisant with all things Cornish - coming, as she does, from Brittany.

According to her, the Atlantic winds blow so strongly in some parts of Cornwall that the end products of defecation are deflected: thus the locals, having swilled down their pasties with scrumpy, go "to defelect".

She informs me that these parts of Cornwall also boast horizontal toilets.

Would you please confirm - or refute - her theory?

offside said...

Bon appétit à tous!

Ebren said...

Close Professor, but not quite accurate.

Defelect [chiefly found in west Penwith]: dialect term combining the verbs “deflate” and “redirect”. Used principally to describe the deformation that occurs when something is rapidly flattened.

I.e. “If ‘e don’ pu’ tha’ pastie daan an’ payfer a raan o scrumpy soon, I’ll defelect ‘iz fizog – an you can tell im that from me Mabel.”

professor piaget greengrass said...

(genuflecting)

Oh, My Lord,
My Sweet Lord

- in the name of Science, thank You, thank You...

(bows out, shufflin backwards)

ingrid said...

*broom in hand - mumbling*

Seriously, this lot... people deflecate everywhere, and who has to clean up? I ask you. Bloody disgusting.

pipita said...

Offy

Actually saw quite a bit of the guardian lass during her recent visit to baires. She's heading back to the perfiduous albion tommorrow

Zephirine said...

The Pseuds are spreading all over the world... meetings are taking place... soon, world domination sssooon....

(cough)

Oh, erm, sorry. Must have been something in the squirrel.

Chanelle says Karl (the anorak) would be really chuffed if he could have a post as resident statto for the virtual team. I said that job's already gone to MotM but we could see if he wants an assistant.

pipita said...

Hey Zeph

Please don't get too carried away. That's what ol Ernesto -aka Che-thought at some point during his hectic revolutionary days......

pipita said...

Talking so much about el che lately that I keep hearing Jagger's voice singing "Hey mister gringo, my father, he aint no che gÜevaarra". Think it was in a Stones song called Indian Girl of their late seventies period

mimi said...

Ah, late seventies Stones. Pallenberg, Margeret Trudeau and Some Girls. I remember it almost as vividly as I remember my early encounter with Mick in 1981 or was is 1982? The mists of time, that sometimes part to give us a glimpse all too clearly of our youth and recklessness.

Zephirine said...

I'm all right now, Pipita, it was just a little moment of wild surmise on hearing about the Baires whinge of the movement:)

offside said...

Zeph, I think you can tell Chanelle that the job is Karl's. Mouth has been drawn and quartered on the minute of silence blog, so I'm not sure we'll see him again.

Should we observe a virtual minute of silence in his memory?

(...)

Zephirine said...

Should we ride to his rescue, or is it too late?

Deary me, and somebody on the cricket blog today has had the impertinence to ask him if he's Gary Naylor. Such cheek.

The ups and downs of a blogger's life, eh? Only yesterday one of the GU journos was asking if he could borrow a bit of a Mouth comment because it was so good.

Come back to the Pakalolo, Mouth, it's safe and warm here. Well, warm anyway..

guitougoal said...

"Ingrid broom in hand mumbling", reference to the statue of liberty is
out of order professor.A moment of wild surmise???could you put that in french, italian, spanish or even arabic cos i am lost.Or may be I should ask Ingrid to help me to perfecto me english.

mimi said...

Zeph: how do you observe virtual silence? Would those be the minutes I'm off in the kitchen filling hotties and making tea (to drink out of my Pseuds mug obviously)? Or the virtual silence when I play no music but listen to old Tig snoring?

Zephirine said...

Guitou, um, 'un instant de folle conjecture'?

It's a quote:
"Then felt I like some watcher of the skies
When a new planet swims into his ken;
Or like stout Cortez, when with eagle eyes
He stared at the Pacific—and all his men
Look'd at each other with a wild surmise—
Silent, upon a peak in Darien."

John Keats

Mimi, to have a virtual minute's silence on the interweb you'd have to make everybody stop posting for a minute which is probably impossible. But I doubt if the players in the Pakololo XI will go in for publicly mourning anyone much:)

offside said...

Zeph, that's grossly unfair. We did have a moment's silence for Mimi's tapir... when Chief Lord Ebren insisted we shouldn't talk with our mouths full.

gg said...

Why don't we have a minute of silence for the spirit that has died, the spirit that would have guaranteed respect for the Munich dead?

mimi said...

Zeph: AARRRGGH, loudly. I can't believe you've just Stout Cortezed here. I was wracking my brains for that some days back and somewhere here at Pseuds will be my anguished cry for provenance.

Of course I could have done google stuff, but I'm in the habit now of sending my SOS's first to the crew.

Thank you - although late.

One more cup of tea before bed and that leads me to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esl2NNOtHQE

gg said...

guitou,

I understand that you are asking for some kind of clarification from me, but I can't understand your question:
would you please clarify it, in English, Swedish or Cornish?

Zephirine said...

Glad to help, Mimi: Perhaps one day I'll find out where Darien is:)

gg, yes, but I kind of agree with the people who say those observances have been over-used and cheapened lately... I hate the 'minute's applause', as somebody posted how can you think about a sad memory while you're clapping?

Zephirine said...

Btw Off and Green, it's very nice to have a taproom again, thank you.

gg said...

Zeph,

quite. As a Red Devil, I'm not keen on the idea of the Munich dead being part of a Wembley pageant - would it truly be about them?

The tribute to that Scottish footy player who died a few weeks ago was grand, but the public mourning industry has burgeoned in the last few years: most of the time, it just feels tacky.

offside said...

You're welcome, Zeph, but running the place is taxing to say the least. Look at the state gg's in, he wants to have a minute of silence to mourn the fact that you can't have a decent minute of silence nowadays. I shudder to think what will happen to him when Guitou asks him to clarify his clarification.

And I'm running out of tapir jokes.

mimi said...

Glad the tapir jokes are getting thin - as thin maybe as the dried and smoked baby striped one. Perhaps room now for baby giant panda unpleasantness!

Still let me add my thanks to Zeph to the good(ish) denizens who so selflessly run this taproom.

Minute silence or clapping - both have their place, and honestly chaps, don't underestimate the impact Phil O'Donnell's death has had on Scotland. It's still fairly raw up here. We're a pretty small place and well, just, it mattered.

Zephirine said...

I have a feeling I'm going to regret this but: Offie, try looking up 'tapir' on youtube.

There's something about, erm, boy tapirs that hasn't yet been mentioned...

mimi said...

And yeah, Zeph, where is Darien? I kind of thought it was in Mexico, but maybe it's closer to that rose red rock that features in some other poem somewhere, by someone.

Gosh, I'm articulate this evening, aren't I?

offside said...

Ah go on, Zeph, you tell us.

Pastagobbler said...

Mimi: I don't think thin is quiet the word...

mimi said...

ZEPH: [screetch in horror] you have lowered the tone, bad girl. What a terrible thing to post about tapirs! I hate to think what Offie might cook up in the kitchen now with tapir parts!

pipita said...

Mimi

Can you expand a bit more about your meeting with sir mick please

gg said...

Zeph,

is that Darien Ferguson you're referring to?

You haven't got the hots for him, have you? I'm sure he'd be quite peaked if that should be the case.

offside said...

Well, in the words of gg during his (brief) replacement stint as Manager of the Pakalolo XI:

"Get in there!!"

gg said...

Yeah, come on, Mimi - spill the beans!

I always thought Jagger looks a bit like a baby tapir slowly sinking into a boiling cauldron...

exvanp said...

gg,

The aceal/mawal combo are performing on the GU Lfc blog right now, it's quite amusing. Aceal just claimed that next year, Babel will be as good as Ronaldo :)

I do wonder if Red Scousers have "next year" tattooed onto their chests, just above the heart.

gg said...

ex,
thanks!

Those two really hit my chuckle button.

Morecambe & Wise were great, but...

gg said...

guitou -

ah, now I understand!

Sorry, I didn't write the Ingrid comment. She's my son, but you know what kids are like these days...

I'll get me flanellette nightshirt.

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