Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Premcorrespondent, the kepab and the neighbours

Ha! thought l'd forgotten didn't you.

No - not I. Instead your faithful scribe spent the weekend avidly glued to the porcelain throne after an ill advised trip to the local kepab (sic) palace at something o'clock on Friday left me abed and requiring the tender ministrations of Mrs Correspondent all weekend.

But fear ye not, although I was unable to take my customary place in the press boxes of the Premier League, no stone has been left unturned in my quest to find a stand in.

And my search bore fruit, because, as I raised my head from another dry heave in the direction of the U-bend - I found the following scrawled on the torn-out pages of a year-9 textbook that had been thrust under the lavatory door.

Yes! Lovingly transcribed from Match of the Day in exchange for "gi'za" fags (I assume that is a number lower than 20) and a can of Belgian's finest is next-door's teen daughter's account of the goings on in the league.

Forgive me, for I must now bid thee adieu - I have somewhat rushed my recovery and a move from the safety of dry toast and plain water in the direction of a cheese sarni has initiated a chain of events that are rather pressing.

Wot append in the futty
bi [illegible]

Cordin to the big eerd wun - this wuz the big noos this weekend. Cos, y see, theese to red teams got beet.

Wun got beet right at the start ov the games, that's Livapule - my mate Darren likes them, funni coz iz sisters mates saz he fancies Colette and she ates Livapule because this wun time she saw someone in a livapule shirt and he was well gros, and he totally fancied her, but she was like - whatever. Even tho he had a car and stuff.

Right, but, livapule got beet right. Which ain't normal, specialy as it was this shit team - Redin - wot beet them.

And this other team got beet too. Asnorl. Right, see them lot lost n all. They got beet but, it was like confisin, coz on the telly the team in red - which I rekond was Asnorl right, they scored twice. But they was full of mingers. So they weren't Asnorl right, they was anova teem in red. Called Buruh or summin. From Newcasle. Coz Arsnorl has fit players like Thierry Henry and Freddie Ljungberg and Cesc Fabregas (god hes fit - I definately wud), but nun of them woz playin so I rekon thats why they lost. But they was still way fitter than the other teem.

But Chels wun - which is cule, coz there ace. They beet sum utha teem from Newcasle who play in red and white with that sexy irish one wot my bro saz used to pla for Man U whuse in charge. He's well fit. Since Joses gone, he's like the fittest bloke not playing (not as fit as Cesc, but like pretty fit for an old guy. Chelle reckons hes fitter than Cesc, but I meen, wots that about - hes well old - and like has she seen Cesc in that new nike ad - he's like fit AS).

An its ace Chels wun, cos now with the red teems losin, they is well close to winnin the leeg again. Like they used to in the old days. But Man U wun and that meens there still up on Chels, but not for long, coz Chels is the best. But this week Man U beet Darby, natch, coz whose herd of derby.

And even tho thats all the teams mi mates no, there woz loads of utha stuff on. And - coz I'm like respectabel like and did the deel fare and skware - I like rote stuf down bout them games to.

Rite, B'burn lost to West Ham but it woz a well shit game. With like wun goal and thats it. Wigan lost to Bolton - wich iz a bit of a joke, right, coz there both losers, gettit?

Spurs, who my mate Jef reckons are gud so must be shit, they beet Man City and Newcasle (the ones in black and wite) beet Birminninlhnim or summit 2-1.

And like, even tho there woz loads of games already there woz like still more.

And they woz well weerd names - like Action Villa and Evertun. But yeah, they woz in different games, rite, so the Action teem lost to Portsmuth 3 -1 and the Evertun wun 3 to nufink at Fulam.

Wot all that meen is the gud teems (Well Fit Asnorl, Man U, super-Chels and Liverpule) theys at the top (duh), even though like two were like losers, and the shit teems (Wigan Darby and that lot wiv the fit irish wun that lost to my Chels) there at the bottom. And theres loads of utha teems in the middle, rite, but like whatever.

37 comments:

offsideintahiti said...

Zeph, have you been coaching Premcorr?

guitougoal said...

Premco.
I like the poetic details of the first paragraph, I am curious also about what the doctor recommended.

ervanp said...

This is beautiful. Chosmky should read it, would help him in his studies of language.

Zephirine said...

Nothing to do with me, Offie:)

premcorrespondent said...

Guitougoal - when gastroenteritis strikes there is but simple advice that is on offer from the quacks. Water only (oh the misery) for the first day, followed by plain food (dry toast, rice, and the like) and clear liquids until you are settled.

Fortunately, brandy is a clear liquid, fags are not proscribed, and the old stomach is regaining its robustness even now.

I anticipate being fighting fit for next week's extravaganza of the most important games since the last ones!

andrewm said...

Rafa, Rafa, Rafa - why must you feed Mouth's fantasies about you not caring as much about the league as you do about the CL?

You make it difficult for me to defend you sometimes, you know.

mimi said...

Offie/Zeph: I thought I saw Chantelle/Chanelle's hand in this too!

Ebren said...

Can a young, inexperienced teen not flaunt their wares for all to see on the internet without someone comparing them to Chantelle? What is the world wide web coming to... I’m off to buy the Daily Mail and get a good anger on.

Superb PC - and thanks to the neighbour. Everybody needs good neighbours. With a little understanding, you can find the perfect blend.

MotM said...

2 gud 4 us! CU.

MotM said...

AndrewM - I was suggesting that Rafa be rotated out of the manager's seat for Premier League games on last night's MBM. What do you reckon?

gg said...

You could put that to music, Ebren - wait, wait, the muse with me, I feel a tune coming!

It sounds like this:

daaaa-da, daa-da-daa-da-daa-da daaaa-da,
daa-da, daa-da, daa-da, daaaa-da,
daa-da, daa-da, daa-da, daaaaaaaaa

(All rights reserved)

Premcorr,

I was thinking of putting your intro to music - then I realised that you'd already done that. I enjoyed the trombone solos!

guitougoal said...

gg,
here you go, I'm puking again.
"May the wind always be at your back"

offsideintahiti said...

I didn't mean to imply that Premcorr's work wasn't original (or well executed indeed). The style is quite different from Chantellespeak. I merely entertained the idea that Zeph might have been behind this mysterious Premcorr persona all along, anonymously entertaining us without revealing her profound knowledge of all things futbol.

Plus, I know for a fact that she fancies Roy Keane.

Zephirine said...

Damn (blush) never tell a Frenchman a secret eh?

But no, Premcorr's identity is as much a mystery to me as the finer points of football.

Chanelle read this piece actually, she called me and said the kid's spelling was really like embarrassing but she admired her guts for writing for Pseuds who are like the footy experts of the world lol.

gg said...

Zeph -

it's nice to hear that a cricket expert - like wot Chanelle is - actually knows about this den of footy experts.

So you're keen on our Roy, then? Can we expect an in-depth interview from his Sunderland hideout soon? I hear the film industry is burgeoning up there!

guitougoal said...

he dropped a hint though,he is a poet drinking brandy .

offsideintahiti said...

Guitou,

aren't we all?

guitougoal said...

that's what I'm saying he/she is one of us...

Zephirine said...

Chanelle knows about Pseuds from her boyfriend Karl the football anorak. He's a regular reader.

Roy's saturnine byronic air has a certain fascination from a distance, but I'm not sure I'd like the reality, so no up-close interviews just yet I think. Where is Sunderland, anyway?

I was thinking of writing the diary of Jose Mourinho's dog during these interesting times (with suitable advice from knowledgeable football persons) but Senhor Special has put an end to the England story much too soon:)

offsideintahiti said...

Ah come on, Zeph, you'll love the accent. It's pure Cork, like.

guitougoal said...

Zeph,
this guy is like the bad disease affecting premcor.he keeps coming back-his dog's diary should a best seller.

Ebren said...

With premcorr there are known knowns (cigarettes, brandy, florid style, allotment, wife). Known unknowns (are there children, what team does he support, is this penned by someone already known) and unknown unknowns (damned if I know).

Zeph and Marcela have quizzed me on his identity in the past, so I assumed it wasn't them (although that might be an elaborate ruse), as for the rest of you - or possibly a new or a returning lapsed pseud?

Who will ever know?

What I do know is he/she/it (is it the Tahetian turtle or Ingrid?) is on the road to recovery following their weekend distress (or so my inbox tells me).

Ebren said...

Oh - and it's great to here Chantelle's doing well. I miss her, she was great...

offsideintahiti said...

"lapsed pseud" must be one of the most difficult things to say articulately after a few brandies. Especially is your language is not English. Or if you're a psephologist.

guitougoal said...

I know who, but I won't tell ya.

munni said...

Re. Roy Keane, I've never understood his hair. It's so square and schoolboyish, combined with the rest of the persona I find it really disturbing.

Talking of pets with secret lives, the wonder-cat was puking all weekend, and she knows how to work the computer...hmmm.

guitougoal said...

munni,
never heard of a compuking cat.

offsideintahiti said...

Guitou, I suspect that's a code of some kind that munni is using.

gg said...

Come on, lads - everyone and his dog has a compuker nowadays.

I have a Hewlett-Pukard at work.

offside said...

I have a Toshibarf.

Weurks fine.

andrewm said...

Mouth, it's an interesting idea, but he's surely leaving at the end of the season. What's worrying me is that I can't think of a single candidate who could take us where we need to go.

guitougoal said...

do we know where do we need to go?

gg said...

Do we need to know where we need to go?

Will we "all go together when we go"?

Do all roads lead to Roma?

offside said...

A trip? Lovely. Where are we going?

mimi said...

Oh I think we've been here before - we'll just drop our agendas and adjourn.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fU2mwrxRQyA

offside said...

Cat lovers everywhere, here's one your furry friend might enjoy:

http://video.google.fr/videoplay?docid=1526183102745208142

mimi said...

It started so well ....

Tweet it, digg it