Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Digging in the dirt - premcorrespondent

Sorry about the late post. I've been digging up the potatoes on the allotment and if some snotty nosed kid sagging off school hadn't tried to pinch the whole sack, forcing me to stick the spuds in the boot of the Cortina and drive home with Radio Five, for all I knew the Premier League weekend might still be rumbling on. I've heard that there are countries where the populace will venerate a vegetable on which there is the vague shadow of the Madonna, so I'm thinking of flogging these spuds in the Manchester United Megastore, because every last one of them is etched with the face of Wayne Rooney or Paul Scholes.

To the matches. Spud-faced Wayne couldn't get a game at Goodison, as his team-mates ground out their usual 0-1 win to squeeze out a pre-Wenger Arsenalesque 11 points out of this season's four goals. Spud-faced Scholes was lucky to stay on the pitch - so no change there. At Fratton Park, Liverpool's Premier League squad drew a blank to draw the game with Pompey's plodders after 55 year-old Kanu summoned enough energy to kick the ball, only for Reina to save the penalty. Kings Road entertainers Chelsea nil-nilled against Happy-go-Lucky Mark Hughes' Blackburn Rovers. Rounding off the Big Four, Arsenal gave Martin Jol just enough hope with an early goal for it to hurt like mad when they roared back with three of their own to push the Dutchman closer to his P45. Little Cesc continued to make up for the absent Henry (as well as even more absent Vieira) with another goal, the scamp.

Amongst the lost and confused, Little Sam's Bolton continued their nose-dive with a defeat at Birmingham, while Sunderland beat Reading with an eye-catching display from Kenwyne Jones, whose mirror must be worn out. Wigan drew 1-1 with Fulham in a match that must have pleased the Premier League's branding consultants no end and West Ham jumped into a European slot with an easy 3-0 win over middling Middlesborough.

Come Sunday, and the fixtures still weren't finished, with Manchester City's single goal win over Aston Villa taking Sven's men to second place and leaving Martin O'Neill in a seemingly pre-ordained 11th. Sven's stock continues to rise, while O'Neill's is as stationary as a Northern Rock queue. Monday's match must have brought waves of nostalgia flooding over Newcastle fans, as they blew a chance to go top six losing at doomed Derby.

There's plenty of star players in the Premier League, but of the galacticoes, only Little Cesc was on target - funny that, the weekend before the first round of CL matches.

I'm off to peel the skin off Wayne Rooney's faces, then deep fry them in high cholesterol lard and hang the consequences.


gg said...

prem -
a pound of your Admiral Rodneys, please, we're having Scholops for tea.

file said...

well done PC, thanks for taking time out from the veggies

see Newcastle's lengthy unbeaten run has been put to rest

BlueinBetis said...

Morning all.

My Grandad reckons Man City will win the Premiership.

He is an Exeter City supporter.

file said...

Morning BiB,

groan, good luck to Exeter

BlueinBetis said...

afternoon File.

So you reckon my Grandad's right then?

Exeter are buggered. Torquay United stole their second in command, made him their manager then bought all the players that Exeter had targeted for the promotion push.


One more season.

file said...

evening BiB,

I wouldn't want to nay say your Grandad and I wouldn't mind if MC fans ate cake just as long as their erstwhile owner gets his just deserts

understand Ex have a sticky home game with Ebbsfleet United coming up, I've never heard of Ebbsfleet United before and it would be a shame to have to leave the quaint teams of the BS behind, wouldn't it?

btw, you can post some Exeter YouTube clips now at Pseuds Pscenes if you want

BlueinBetis said...


My 'pooter is still running Windows 1898.

So when I go to the new stuff, like youtube, I get the blue screen of death.

I will join the revolution before 2007 is out.

Until then I am confined to imagination and words.

mimi said...

Peel that skin, let's have a taproom!
We need it. Sad sad stuff re Colin, so pour the drinks and let's have a full on Celtic wake.

mimi said...

And is it true? Is Jose gonski?

munni said...

I know I may be alone in this, but I am a happy Arsenal fan tonight, looming Uzbek oligarch threat notwithstanding (where are honolulu and exvanp?).

Reuters in now reporting Jose is gone, and they're usually very careful about waiting until things are confirmed. Shocked but smirking.

BinB, I finally moved on from dial-up late in 2006, and it radically changed my life. Words and imagination, who needs 'em?

offside said...

Da, Mimi, gonski wid da windski.

file said...

Windows 1898, isn't that the one with really thick glass?

the Arse were excellent last night, I'll post the highlights on Pseuds' Pscenes later

is it true that Jose's going to Spuds?

and McClaren is for the bridge?

gg said...

My usual, unreliable sources whisper of a straight swap - Special One Maureen for Second Choice Steve.

tonyellis said...

This is very good PC, your best yet. Bet you a fiver you can't keep it up all year!

file said...


Jose as England manager! Branston Rabids will seem sane by comparison

Arsenal goals are here, there ... everywhere?

Tony, PC,
I'll have a fiver on that as well, but I'll be happy to pay up

Ebren said...

All money to pseuds central!

Hmm - if we are paying people I might even be aresed to penn something myself again.

Good show PC, glad your fax reached me after the opening day of the season, and that it continues to roll out articles...

gg said...


I can't even claim that I was first; the idea is being touted - yea, verily touted - in the media.

Though I think I have a first concerning the threat (if I were a Chelsea fan - hello, BD! - I'd certainly see it like that) of Stevie Pepsodent going the other way.

Anyroad, I'm tired of this transient, superficial crap, so I've penned a new episode of The Meaning of Sportas a reminder of the basic love we all share - back to the '60's, Pipita!

mimi said...

Fax, fax? What is this technology of which you speak Ebren?

Am I the only Pseud sharpening my quill by candle-light and employing a runner with a cleft stick to convey my ramblings to the the Corner?

gg said...

mimi -

as long as your runner doesn't have a cloven hoof...

bluedaddy said...

Evening all. I've been busy lately. Anything happened lately I should know about?
Lots of mentions of Jose on the wireless. What's he gone and said now, the scamp?

gg said...

Nice to see you so chirpy, BD.

Rumour has it that Maureen is as I write in Denby Dale, using a record number of eggs in making the biggest quiche ever, prior to inserting it into Kenyon in a somewhat unorthodox manner.

BlueinBetis said...

I know I've been away for the summer, but I'm back now. (incidentally where is Branston rabids? Got to episode 4?)

I'd love to say Jose who.

But I can't. Have you seen what is going on? There has never, ever been such a vitriolic burst of hatred against someone less important ever. Or am I being over sensitive? Mrs Betis says I do that sometimes....

By the way. I hope everybodys' summer was great. (Except File, who quite clearly is cheating, since he has no summer.) In any case I hope everybody is ok.

gg said...


Mrs. Betis may have a point; you certainly had a field-day on GU yesterday.

Would it be fair to say that you quite like Jose?

file said...


truth is stranger even than Pseuds' fiction eh? But Sugar is positioning the Spuds...

The Meaning of Sportas?


as you know here is either hot...or hot and wet, but it's been a great summer, how was yours?

Branston is now nought but a difficult stain on the creased trouser of Pseuds, so as not to keep you in suspenders you can find the last bits here (no video!):

Branston - A Fistful of Drogbas
Branston - The Adventure of the Speckled Bandit
Branston - Morte Derek


gg said...


it should have read:

"Anyroad, I'm tired of this transient, superficial crap, so I've penned a new episode of The Meaning of Sport as a reminder of the basic love we all share - back to the '60's, Pipita!"

file said...

sorry GG, one of my favourite pseuds' pieces but I remember it as 'The Sweet Sins of Oldham Daze' for some reason

looking forward to the further adventures with Farmer Fitton's cows, will there be lollipops and zebras?

re jorge, it's going to be fun (for the non-blues among us) watching revolting pensioners, but isn't it time we got back to wondering who's gonna shift Sir Alex?

file said...

err. Levy's positioning the Spuds, ho hum how time flies

gg said...

File -

sorry, in this new episode I've left Farmer Fitton's cows (and his niece) far behind me for the bright lights of Swinging London.

I'm far too dazzled by what's on offer in The Smoke to recall lollipops and zebras.

offy -

someone was asking yesterday on GU what had happened to Jose's pooch.


BlueinBetis said...


No, Avram is the man.


didn't we have a Jose once....

I am truly fascinated by the emotion the blogs produce. Both in me, and in others. Amazing stuff.

file said...

bib, no you de man!

gg, verily my breath is in a state of abaitment...

offside said...


Jose's pooch? It's in sauce BĂ©arnaise right now, why?

gg said...

offy -

coz I'm hungry!

Why else would I ask?

P.S. Bearnaise? It was a YORKSHIRE terrier!

offside said...

Yeah, but I didn't have the recipe for pooch pooding.

gg said...


I'm sure you'll have it all off to a tee before you can say "Peter Kenyon".

You just put pooch, flour, salt, white pepper and water in the mixer, then bang it all in the oven for 'alf an 'our at full blast.

The brown sauce can be rounded off with a few drops of Koka Koala.

Tweet it, digg it