Sporting changes - Mac Millings

As fans of sport, we are becoming increasingly disillusioned by the growing gap between how our favourite sports are played now, and how we think they should be played. The following simple rule changes are guaranteed to redress the balance.

Tennis:
To avoid increasingly boring domination by a select few players of all surfaces, replace grass, hard and clay courts with 3 of the following: ice; forest; prison yard; babies; lava; bed of nails, trampoline.

Athletics:
As part of a bid for greater transparency in sport, Javelin, Shot Put and Hammer events to be renamed, ‘Throwing A Big Sharp Stick’, ‘Throwing A Heavy Ball On The End Of A Chain’ and ‘Fat People Throwing A Metal Ball From Under Their Chin’.

Boxing:
Scrap the 17 weight-based divisions, replacing them with 17 sobriety-based ones, distinguished by the number of pints imbibed prior to the bout, from 1 to 17. Also known as the ‘Ricky Hatton Rule’.

Cycling:
Mandatory drug testing, to ensure a level playing field. Any cyclist discovered to be clean should be forced to take performance-enhancing substances.

Darts:
Not a rule change, but Darts has been awarded Olympic Status for London 2012, along with fellow pub-based sports, Drunken Pontificating, “Do You Want To Take This Outside?”, and Throwing Up On That Really Cute Girl You Only Just Met.

Squash:
In order to make the sport more appealing to young people, Squash to be renamed “Energy Drink!”

Cricket:
The game is crying out for new technology that can tell us with certainty whether that sharp nip-backer did, indeed, clank the batsman in the balls, rather than merely on the abdomen or inner thigh. Said technology to be named Soft Spot. Or CockEye. Or Testicometer.