Like a love affair, the rules of sport must be inflexible, subject to video replay, and should favour one side over the other. The following changes are the only ones necessary.
Formula 1 – How can I take you seriously if all you do, essentially, is drive around in circles for an hour and a half? That’s not a measure of driving skills. Traffic lights, roundabouts and pedestrians to be added to all F-1 circuits.
Tennis – if a player’s first serve is a fault, the second serve should be taken left-handed. This will, quite rightly, favour left-handers.
Boxing – With UFC on the rise, it’s time for boxing to get back to basics. All fighters should be naked and oiled-up, as the Ancient Greeks intended. You’re a homoerotic sport, Boxing. Act like one.
Basketball – Introduce handicap system based on player height.
Under 6’: Step ladder
6’ to 6’6”: Shoes with springs
6’ 7” to 7’: May only hop
Over 7’: Not allowed to use hands.
Football – Everton to present the 1984 F.A. Cup to the rightful winners, Watford, who only lost because big cheater Andy Gray headed the ball out of Steve Sherwood’s hands and into the net. It’s not really a rule change. I’m just saying.
Cricket – Bowlers have to use different types of ball, according to their ability.
Warne: Beach ball
Boycott’s Mum: Orange
Harmison: (Home) Balloon; (Away) GPS
Golf – Players to run between shots and hit a moving ball, while having their picture taken and being verbally abused. You know, like in a real sport.