Monday, December 1, 2008

Seven rule changes - MacMillings

Like a love affair, the rules of sport must be inflexible, subject to video replay, and should favour one side over the other. The following changes are the only ones necessary.

Formula 1 – How can I take you seriously if all you do, essentially, is drive around in circles for an hour and a half? That’s not a measure of driving skills. Traffic lights, roundabouts and pedestrians to be added to all F-1 circuits.

Tennis – if a player’s first serve is a fault, the second serve should be taken left-handed. This will, quite rightly, favour left-handers.

Boxing – With UFC on the rise, it’s time for boxing to get back to basics. All fighters should be naked and oiled-up, as the Ancient Greeks intended. You’re a homoerotic sport, Boxing. Act like one.

Basketball – Introduce handicap system based on player height.
Under 6’: Step ladder
6’ to 6’6”: Shoes with springs
6’ 7” to 7’: May only hop
Over 7’: Not allowed to use hands.

Football – Everton to present the 1984 F.A. Cup to the rightful winners, Watford, who only lost because big cheater Andy Gray headed the ball out of Steve Sherwood’s hands and into the net. It’s not really a rule change. I’m just saying.

Cricket – Bowlers have to use different types of ball, according to their ability.
Warne: Beach ball
Boycott’s Mum: Orange
Harmison: (Home) Balloon; (Away) GPS

Golf – Players to run between shots and hit a moving ball, while having their picture taken and being verbally abused. You know, like in a real sport.


Ebren said...

Stunning Mac, simply stunning.

MotM said...

Mac - They did it with motorbikes:

guitou said...

the golden rule of a love affair as Ginny said in the movie "isn't getting what you want, it's wanting it after you get it."- Probably Mouth will find this statement
can be applied to the 84 Everton FA cup-

David Barry said...

I would actually like to see golf (and tennis) played with loud crowds, just to see how the players do. No earplugs allowed.

MotM said...

Wise words indeed Guy and YES!

andrewm said...

Golf could learn a lot from the film Tin Cup. Firstly you have Roy McAvoy beating a guy without using clubs, with a baseball bat, a spade, a rake and so on; secondly you have him playing his entire round, every shot, with one club.

These are proper tests of talent.

zeph said...

Great stuff, Mac, especially the basketball!

andrewm said...

Ebren, congratulations on making the final six. I wasn't going to read them this week, but I've since read yours and I thought it was up to your usual high standard.

Allout said...

That's top satire Mac.

mac millings said...

Thanks all. The site has been busy recently - have enjoyed reading so many good articles. And congratulations from me, too, Ebren, on being a finalist this week.

bluedaddy said...

Thanks mac. I think today's youth term it LOL.

I've always thought golfers would get the ball to go further if they took a run at it on the tee.

Golf needs more swearing all round. And bouncy balls. And eleven a side. And a ref. And goals. Other than that, it's just smashing.

beyond the pale said...

Mac, enjoyed your piece. BTW, something along the lines of your basketball height-handicap rule was actually in place a half-century ago at my secondary school, which put out two teams in separate competitions, "senior" (over 5'8") and "junior" (under 5'8"). Like all rules though it was consistently circumvented--in this case by reluctantly growing young men who managed to reverse nature's upward development by standing up all night, for several nights on end, until measurement revealed they'd become a bit shorter, thus often allowing those on the cusp to register under the heigh limit; so that the "junior" squads often ended up featuring towering giants of 5'9" and even 5'l0". Similarly, at university I was acquainted with wrestlers who starved themselves for up to a week in order to end up, delirious yet svelte, under the weight limits for competition categories. Which shows human willpower is (or was?) capable of reversing the vaunted effects of steroids, given sufficient incentive to cheat on sporting rules of any kind.

beyond the pale said...

And speaking of circumventing the rules, isn't the best thing about Rory Delap's titanic throw-ins the way they expose a gap in the offside rules? (This occurred to me a few nights ago, watching the Brazilian girl in the World Sub-20s do a backwards somersault on top of a wonderful goal-producing throw-in--an elaboration of the rule-circumventing that I don't believe Delap has yet attempted.)

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