Monday, November 26, 2007

Keeping a stiff upper lip - premcorrespondent

Over the decades of England has developed a great reputation on the world stage.

Never let it be said that we will compete in a tournament we consider unworthy of our great talents (recent Olympics, pre-in-50 World Cups, post 1970 World Cups, finals of major tournaments).

Never let it be said that we are not generous in giving stepping out of the spotlight to letter smaller teams shine (America 1950, Austria 1979, Wales 1980, Australia 2003)

But perhaps the greatest tradition in all England is our history of Great Goalkeepers - from Fatty Foulkes to Rotund Robbo.

And this weekend the skills of the English glovesman were once again on display.

Paul Robinson and Robert Green - England's numbers three and four (of five or six depending on whether Ben Foster and Chris Kirkland are fit) faced off in a London derby.

Both performed exquisitely, with a string of saves (one from a penalty - and we all know how accomplished English strikers are at taking those). But both were let down by Jonny Foreigners in their defence to concede. Nevertheless it is fair to say both men made their point, and earned one each for their teams.

It was therefore left to English numbers one and two to outdo them.

Duly David James calmly added to his record tally of clean sheets as Portsmouth won comfortably 2-0 against Birmingham, while the current wearer of the iconic England No 1 shirt Scott Carson let nothing past him as his Aston Villa side beat Middlesbrough (with their inferior Australian keeper) 3-0 away.

Another clean sheet went to Carl Cuddich at Chelsea - a keeper vastly improved since he qualified to play for England (although he remains behind Foster in the standings) - his heroic performance saw the blues record a good 2-0 win, despite some temperamental foreigner in his side being sent off.

Over in Manchester, Bolton managed to overcome their lack of a bulldog between the posts with some traditional English tackling against the clever continentals at Manchester United. With Yeoman Kevin Davis showing that flouncing Frenchy Patrice Evra what it means to play the game like a man. Evra was luck to stay on after petulantly kicking out at the stout-hearted Englishman - but his effete foreign kick missed like a cannon aimed at the Victory. Bolton duly won 1-0.

Our inferior Celtic cousins saw the error of their ways as well at Goodison Park. Lazy, stupid Oirishman Roy Keane (probably drunk on Guinness) lacked the wherewithal to defeat Everton captain Phil Neville's stout English hearts - with the blues pulverising Sunderland (which is suspiciously close to the Scottish border) 7-1. Goalkeeper Craig Gordon was busy looking for coins that had been dropped near the goal area for four of the goals and was enjoying a dram of whisky for the other three.

Down in London Celtic the complexions of Welshman Mark Hughes and the Northern (the good bit) Irish Laurie Sanchez showed their tactical naivety - both managers letting their side let two goals in, and failing to win. But things are harder in the Premier League than managing a bunch of second division "international" players. However, they are allowed to pick from the flower of English youth now, and duly both Warnock and Murphy scored for their side before having their good work undone by unreliable allies.

England's Sven Goran Eriksson showed the lack of judgement that saw him hounded from Every Single Manager's Dream Job by keeping English keeper Joe Hart on the bench. His side therefore let a goal in. Fortunately greasy and cowardly Italian Steve Coppello had picked an American to keep goal, and despite being allowed to use his hands (much like in the colonial's own version of the beautiful game) he let two balls into the "endzone". Sven's England connections assuring another domestic triumph.

Decorated Englishman Steven Gerrard scored the first, then set up colleagues for two more - displaying our Great National Qualities of modesty and fair-mindedness - as another Hapless Irish Keeper was beaten three times and Liverpool defeated (suspiciously close to the Scottish border) Newcastle 3-0 to round off truly another spiffing week for the Nation that gave birth to the beautiful game.

See you all at 2008, where our superiority will once again be demonstrated to massed ranks of awed spectators as we defend our crown as greatest footballing nation on earth.

What?

Oh.

34 comments:

Ebren said...

apologies premcorr - I have been shit at putting things up. This was received early yesterday evening.

Toodle-pip

Ebren

Colonel GG (retd.) said...

premcorr -

I wondered if you'd gone walkabout!

A sterling patriotic round-up, illuminating all that is great in English football.

"Carl Cuddich" sounds suspiciously foreign; can't we call him "Charlie Cud" instead? That would give us almost endless opportunities to joke about what he might have been chewing when he lets in reams of soft goals - which he inevitably will, if he ever wears that coveted Ingerlund jersey.

See you in Kazakhstan?

premcorrespondent said...

Deary me – I appear to have been rather remiss in my reporting.

I forgot to mention that tower of English virtues – Arsenal – winning 2-0 thanks to English striking ace Theo Walcott befuddling the dodgy continentals of Wigan. His example and inspiration meant English-as-they-come Arsenal stay top of the table, undefeated, while Wigan paid the price for leaving English No 4/5/6 Chris Kirkland on the as a reserve.

Good Colonel – I shall indeed be making the trip to Kazakhstan. I grew bewitched by their country while watching a charming documentary on it.

file said...

thanks PC

of course it's the taking part that counts, but in another, more important way, it's the winning
(tnx AM)

mimi said...

winning ways breed winning ways whether you are run by Sir AF or recently sacked Billy Davies (no relation). Poor old Derby County.

And poor old me, I need someone to cheer me up, big time - I've got 4 days of being me and sad before the weekend.

guitougoal said...

The tower of english virtues was tumbling down in Sevilla today,Arsene Wenger didn't need a new referee, he needed a rabies shot.
Cheers Mimi.

gg said...

How CAN he behave in such a reprehensible way?

guitougoal said...

prima donna or rather call it a watermelon head syndrome.They made his statue at arsenal because he lost a cl final.

mimi said...

Thanks for that Gui - any cheers are more than welcom - and you really really don't want to know why

offsideintahiti said...

No? Why?

mimi said...

not sure where to post this, but it needs to be somewhere. On Saturday, there is an OBO party in London. We are gathering at the Crown and Sceptre in Great Titchfield Street, W1

Ebren said...

OBO party? London? Will Naylor be there? Stork-Brett? Davies? Smyth?

I might have to make that...

When does it start?

mimi said...

Starts 6pm I do believe. Smyth maybe, Davies definitely (carbon footprint, what's that? I'm blowing it all anyway to go to India v Aus at the MCG next year, so a little flight to London is peanuts really!), Naylor probably not as it would be wrong for Davies and Naylor to be seen in the same place at the same time!

gg said...

Mimi,

hints and allusions: "it would be wrong for Davies and Naylor to be seen in the same place at the same time!"

All this suspenders is killing me!

Zephirine said...

Ebren, d'you mean to say Stork-Brett is a real person? I always thought he was Rob Smyth in disguise...

Mimi, is the restraining order on you, or on Naylor?

guitougoal said...

zeph,
I thought pseuds went on strike for a while,
then it's coming back to life with stories about suspenders and restraining orders.
Is this another consequence of global warming?

Zephirine said...

I think the long dark winter evenings may have something to do with it, Guitou :)

offside said...

The long what?

Zephirine said...

You tropical types may not have long dark winter evenings, Offie, but spare a moment of sympathy for those in the frozen North - why, it must be dark almost all day at the moment where GG is...

Mention of suspenders often raises the temperature of Englishmen, indeed I believe there is some research into the contribution of underwear advertisements to global warming?

offsideintahiti said...

Sorry, underwhat?

Zephirine said...

Trouble with your hearing, Offie? Lagoon water in the ears maybe?

offsideintahiti said...

No, no, I hear you. It's just that you use words that sound like a faint echo from a distant past, winter evenings, underwear....

Lagoon water is at 29° presently, thank you.

Zephirine said...

Snarl.

offsideintahiti said...

Snigger.

guitougoal said...

zeph.
the teasing game won't stop the heavy rain to fallon moreaa.

Zephirine said...

Yes, Guitou, remind me to mock when they're having a typhoon in the South Pacific:)

byebyebadman said...

guitougoal - if you're passing through, and anyone else for that matter - thoughts on the euro 2008 draw?

Romania then Holland then Italy for the French...ouch!

guitougoal said...

Byebye,
Tough luck indeed for the french-if qualified England also would had a tough draw-Greece, Spain-
As far as Italy and France they both have to beat Romania and Holland, that's a big challenge.

gg said...

guitou,

what are you on about - boule?

Egg-and-spoon racing?

Flea jumping?

offsideintahiti said...

draw, what draw?

*walks down to the beach, buries head in it*

guitougoal said...

are you done both of you with bantering or passing free culinary recipes through the webb?
Free and stinky!

mimi said...

Concerning the draw: my friends and I were just a tad disappointed that fate did not deliver a full "Barrymore"!

gg said...

What bloody draw? United won 2-0!

mimi said...

Eh?

Tweet it, digg it