The Pakalolo taproom is quietish. Nesta is in the grub corner, doing something to a snake. Ingrid and the vicar are catwalking the bar, trying on each other's frocks. Every time one of them climbs up, Offside spotlights her/him with a torch, intoning "The Stripper". Greengrass puts a finger to his lips:
- Cease that bloody moanin', Offy. I'm pennin' a letter o' protest. Now - do you think that Ebren cuts our threads and directs our regulars to Zeph's place just because she writes idolising songs to him, or what?
- Sshhhhhhh. I'm trying to work here. Hey, vicar! You wanna move those hips, man, this isn't your regular Sunday service. We have to get our clientele back, and it's going to take a little bit more than that.
Offside shines the light in Greengrass's very dilated pupils, causing him to recoil in pain.
- Oh, sorry Gigi. Listen, I don't know what's going on with Ebren, but if you ask me, I'd say it's fishy, like. And Zeph's place is nice enough, but it's all poetry readings and fancy cocktails with little umbrellas in 'em and cricket talk. Cricket! (rolls his eyes). Oh, and you know what? I hear Kokomo wants to open his own joint now. Yeah, I wonder what kind of gig he'll put up for a Saturday night, ballet maybe...
- Hey, vicar, concentrate, will ya? Do you want me to call Mimi for some proper motivation? Hmmm, didn't think so.
- That's the stuff, Offy - hit 'em where it hurts most! Yeh - poetry, tarty drinks and cricket, that's about it. I reckon Ebren really goes for the ladies, me. I mean, he was lusting for our Ingrid until a session among the kegs convinced him that she was a he. (Peers incredulously) Bloody 'ell, vicar, that's comin' it a bit strong!
- No, no, don't worry Gigi, that's part of the routine. And Ingrid doesn't mind, do you ingrid? ("She" rolls her eyes lasciviously). We need to liven things up a bit. But yeah, Ebren does like to have his little harem around. I'm not sure the fellow is all above board either, you know, who do you think called the cops the night Guitou ended up in jail? He's dodgy, I tell ya. He'll be asking us to write proper articles next.
- Yeh, summat like ”Five kosher articles, and you get a free t-shirt with a picture of Ebren. Ten articles, and he’ll sign it for you. Twenty - free off-topic ale for a week.” It’s sweated labour, that’s what it is. Fifty articles, a pub crawl with Mimi. Five taprooms, a pub crawl with Genghis Sidebottom...