Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The Pakalolo's Return - by Offgrass&Greenside

The Pakalolo taproom is quietish. Nesta is in the grub corner, doing something to a snake. Ingrid and the vicar are catwalking the bar, trying on each other's frocks. Every time one of them climbs up, Offside spotlights her/him with a torch, intoning "The Stripper". Greengrass puts a finger to his lips:

- Cease that bloody moanin', Offy. I'm pennin' a letter o' protest. Now - do you think that Ebren cuts our threads and directs our regulars to Zeph's place just because she writes idolising songs to him, or what?

- Sshhhhhhh. I'm trying to work here. Hey, vicar! You wanna move those hips, man, this isn't your regular Sunday service. We have to get our clientele back, and it's going to take a little bit more than that.

Offside shines the light in Greengrass's very dilated pupils, causing him to recoil in pain.

- Oh, sorry Gigi. Listen, I don't know what's going on with Ebren, but if you ask me, I'd say it's fishy, like. And Zeph's place is nice enough, but it's all poetry readings and fancy cocktails with little umbrellas in 'em and cricket talk. Cricket! (rolls his eyes). Oh, and you know what? I hear Kokomo wants to open his own joint now. Yeah, I wonder what kind of gig he'll put up for a Saturday night, ballet maybe...

(General laughter)

- Hey, vicar, concentrate, will ya? Do you want me to call Mimi for some proper motivation? Hmmm, didn't think so.

- That's the stuff, Offy - hit 'em where it hurts most! Yeh - poetry, tarty drinks and cricket, that's about it. I reckon Ebren really goes for the ladies, me. I mean, he was lusting for our Ingrid until a session among the kegs convinced him that she was a he. (Peers incredulously) Bloody 'ell, vicar, that's comin' it a bit strong!

- No, no, don't worry Gigi, that's part of the routine. And Ingrid doesn't mind, do you ingrid? ("She" rolls her eyes lasciviously). We need to liven things up a bit. But yeah, Ebren does like to have his little harem around. I'm not sure the fellow is all above board either, you know, who do you think called the cops the night Guitou ended up in jail? He's dodgy, I tell ya. He'll be asking us to write proper articles next.

- Yeh, summat like ”Five kosher articles, and you get a free t-shirt with a picture of Ebren. Ten articles, and he’ll sign it for you. Twenty - free off-topic ale for a week.” It’s sweated labour, that’s what it is. Fifty articles, a pub crawl with Mimi. Five taprooms, a pub crawl with Genghis Sidebottom...

210 comments:

1 – 200 of 210   Newer›   Newest»
mimi said...

You got a free pic of ebren after 10 articles? You lucky sods.

Ebren said...

Free photos are available for a mere 18 groats and one postal order for a snark.

mimi said...

What would I get for 18 goats - and a Tapir?

guitougoal said...

last time I found myself lost in one of these infamous taproom, I spent the night drinking alone and could not cover the tab.Mimi offered to pay the bill but I refused.Pride is a dangerous enemy.Soon the police arrived and i was clubbed senseless.
I was dragged my feet first to the station, after a week in a rat-infested cell file bailed me out and paid the fine.I stop drinking since.
I am just passing by, I am crazy about your neon-sign"Pakalolo", but no drinks thanks. I wouldn't give a whoop for a whiskey sour.....

guitougoal said...

a whiskey sour unless.......

marcela said...

guitou - neon is in the eye of the beholder...
I'll buy you a whiskey so that's one worry off your shoulders tonight. :)

guitougoal said...

Thanks marcella, your gratitude is highly appreciated; someone said,
"gratitude can turn a meal into a feast"
we may add;-"gratitude can turn a drink into a...into a....whooop..fack me...I forgot.

mimi said...

marcela: I must owe you a few drinks by now. What a joy to find you here. Have you had a free pic from ebren yet, or are you still wondering why he thinks groats are currency?

DoctorShoot said...

and etiquette pls...pass de douchip on de lep han side....

bluedaddy said...

Cant stop y'all. Just passing through.

Whatever you do dont let Ebren near the jukebox. He'll only break it.

Does the vicar know he's wearing that thing upside down?

Toot toot.

mimi said...

He's not trying to wear the sporran again is he? Last time that happened we ended up with a wild haggis on the loose and goodness knows what mess on the floor. Please no.

DoctorShoot said...

it's gone so quiet in here...helooooo!!
hmm... where's the door to the spa room and the hot baths....
helloooo....
maybe there's a secret doorway or something I'll just try twisitng this jackson pollock and...aaaaahhhhh

guitougoal said...

doctorshoot,
did you check under the tables? I am sure offside need to be rescued.

greengrass said...

Get down off that bar, reverend, we've all seen enough of your Jackson Pollocks for one night - and put a frock on, please...

DoctorShoot said...

aaahh yes well bollocks to that.
seems the steam room still not built.
who's shout? I believe the vicar has piles...

file said...

Djunno, I'm a changed man, once apon a time I'd be ranting and railing with all the spit and force I could muster but nowadays I'll focus my efforts

great article and thread from David Conn on things Thai and things pale blue today in GU

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/sport/2007/05/23/city_blinded_by_money_in_race.html

I was sprung loaded and poised to let go when I thought Fack it, can't be arsed to spend my time on the turkey, I'd rather finish me boxing piece instead

still, go GG, well said, it's not just him it's all govts.

Anarchy is the only true political system (thats not GG thats me, I don't want him angry again like when I praise dear Brucie)

there's a thin line between reading the blogs and giving yer tuppence woth and losing yer time on the keys

if man city are so far into the matrix that they can't see what they are getting themselves into, then good luck to them, it's really sad but they're big boys now and should be able to look after themselves, hah!

This is the right place for sole searching and cod worship isn't it?

I'll have a gallon of amyll nitrate please and a gyroscope, anyone want to join?

file said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
offside said...

The vicar showing his pollocks, men taking soapy steam baths together, others sniffing amyll nitrate...

... and Mouth wants to bring his students in here? Next, he'll be asking Mimi to complete their education.

offside said...

Oh and file, you can delete your posts all you like, you did offer the Doc to share an steam bath with him and everybody knows it... now.

You're welcome.

file said...

yes, rumbled again, realized that might misconstrued by the castaway french, but don't let it distract you from bigger things in the steam baths

doc shoot, where are you anyway, I can't see a blessed thing in here?

ughh, what's that?

frog spawn

offside said...

No, that would be the cod and the sole you were searching for earlier...

file said...

cod is dead

our soles are redundant towels on the steam room floor

offside said...

The doc is daed? Must be all the natrate in the witer.

file said...

quick, we should send out a possy to rescue the good doc before he reaches the banks of the styx after which we'll have to leave our daemons behind

file said...

we'll need:

1 golden compass
1 frozen phoenix
Eric Cantona
map of the inferno
twine of Cato's pubic hair
bucketfull of dreams

er..possy
what else?

DoctorShoot said...

down here down here on ebren's silk massage table..
I'll have two of those and a clean t-shirt if there are any...

Ebren said...

I've got the turban, wig, lapis lazuli necklace, beads, a 'pala dress', mascara, and golden ring on. Oh and a lapis lazuli measuring rod.

Where's Dumazi?

Oh, thank heaven for that. Doc's okay.

DoctorShoot said...

it's the way this place is built
damn greek columns I cannot read a thing..is my harry playing or isn't he??!!
and who does this socrates play for...

file said...

fack Dumazi he's blown out, get Persephone back

oh, Doc you're alive, well done, not many survive ebrens massage table and live to walk properly

offside said...

The massage table is fine, it's Ingrid's Chop Suey massage technique that has left many a customer wobbly. Or permanently wobbled.

greengrass said...

filey,
don't mind a bit of anarchism myself - except on Sundays, of course.

If the anarchist revolution ever happens, Bruce F will be the first to dangle from the gallows.

file said...

gg,

someone once said that there are as many anarchisms as there are anarchists

in my new world order bruce F would only face an eternity of singing Abide With Me in a Wembley full of Burundi Drummers and crazed steel drum tuners on red bull extra

but he may well wish for your execution, he might even plead with you, he'll say 'GG, nice to see you to see you nice' and 'didn't he do well' while nodding at the other pseuds', I say, have no mercy let him live his hell right here and Lional freeking Blair can join him...

sfunny innit, when you hold a rant in it still finds form in new and irrelavent ways...

greengrass said...

file,
now you've really spoilt my tea: first you remind me of Bruce F's existence, then his singing, and finally - the coup de grace! - the gut-churning things he said.

Dog, you've curdled my tripe!

I think there is at least one more anarchism than there are anarchists.

For the first time in my life I'm beginning to sympathise with the Thai government.

Tonight at 7.45 p.m. - at the Pakalolo's Return - Bruce Forsyth &
Cliff Richard Sing the Duets We All
Know and Love.

Don't Miss It!

file said...

all together now [with feeling]

Got myself a crying, talking, sleeping, walking, living Anthea Redfearn,
Got to do my best to please her just 'cos she's a living Anthea Redfearn,
Got a roving eye and that is why she soothes my sunburn,
Got the one and only walking, talking Anthea Redfearn

Take a look at her hair, it's real..

and the scores on the doors are...

file said...

still I bet you can only get herring tripe in Sveden

and curdled herring tripe is surely not the same

inte bra

offside said...

Especially red herring tripe.

Ahem, good morning.

mimi said...

Offside: glad you're awake and running the mad cruise ship that is the Pakalolo.
Tonight - hugely important. Football's European highlight - at least we're hoping so.
What's the special on offer - cocktails and food?

offside said...

Fish & Chips

or

Spaghetti Milanese




Beer (warm & flat)

or

Chianti

offside said...

And they're off...

mimi said...

And it's looking good for my boys!
You have to love them. We're underdogs, and who doesn't have a soft spot for Alonso?
Who's buying my drinks tonight - Offside
Fuck bollocks, just as I write a bloody Milan goal.
Grrrrrrrr. Drinks barman, drinks.

marcela said...

curses. pirlo.
mimi, i'll buy something to drown the sorrow of that goal and to make up for rudely falling asleep last night...

offside said...

It's not Pirlo, it's that fucking goal magnet Inzaghi. Ugly goal.

Ah well, you'll never drink alone.

byebyebadman said...

I'll get a round in, only just got home from work and have missed the first half. What y'all having?

Pirlo...teletext says Inzaghi, was it a scramble?

mimi said...

And now Mouth wants Milan to win! The dirty dog.
Here comes Harry - could the Aussies see us through tonight?

mimi said...

OK, it's official, I hate Inzhagi however he spells his name, and I hate Kaka.
I'm not enjoying tonight at the football, not one little bit!

Sebastian said...

quite right... inzaghi. he did it again just to prove his point to me. my punishment for not watching properly.
curses, pirlo, all the same.
i really wanted liverpool to bag it. :(

marcela said...

that was me, BTW

offside said...

Taking off Mascherano freed up Kaka. Kaka fed Inzaghi. 2-0. Game over. Drinks?

marcela said...

yes please. lots. and smokes. that shot of berlusconi celebrating has given me more than a bit of nausea.

it's not a meritocracy.

curses. pirlo.

file said...

rafa may be a master strategist but he could learn a thing from Kevin Keegan about going hell for leather

pint of flaming ouzo please offie

andrewm said...

I wouldn't say they exactly deserved it, but neither did we.

Did we look like the champions of Europe? I have to say no.

Credit to Milan, I salute all of you, except that wanker upfront. I like to think of the torment that awaits him when Satan calls in the favour, because there's no other explanation why he's been able to pass as a footballer for 15 years.

Honestly, though, it's only him I despise and only him I don't offer my congratulations to.

file said...

no, not a meritocracy

where's those drinks?

offside said...

Pints of flaming ouzo all around!

WOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHH!!!!!!


Oh, sorry.

That's allright, file, you look nice with no hair.

byebyebadman said...

Some credit for Gerrard and Carragher for a bit of dignity in defeat, unlike a certain Mr Henry last year.

Seeing Belusconi celebrating after all the strings he pulled to get them back into the tournament...can't he go and hug his lawyers in a dark room far, far away?

mimi said...

hate it, hate it, hate all of everyone. i'm crying into my cup of tea.
Desperate times.
Now who's got the heart to cheer me up?

byebyebadman said...

Or Berlusconi, to use his given name.

file said...

[gurgle
fizzz
blink blink]

marcela said...

chapeau to stevie, no doubt about that.

andrew...? do you mean maldini? please expand on that point. i was just thinking the only redeeming moment of the evening was seeing an 'oldie' triumphant. and platini, maybe.

andrewm said...

marcela, never Paolo, no no no no no.

Don't make me type the name, please.

He "scored" two.

I nominate him as the worst player ever to win a CL medal. Forget all the jokes about Traore - who can actually defend when he puts his mind to it - that tosser has never looked like a footballer and never will.

guitougoal said...

marcella, sebastian?
Double mojitos I presume..
what's wrong eith Inzaghi,is it becaus he looks like a mosquito who is going to bite you? or because he keep calling his mama everytime someone touches him?, but nobody likes him.

guitougoal said...

also, he (Inzaghi) scores only crapy goals.

marcela said...

aaahh. yes. inzz...aaagghhh...

as i say. better to call him pirlo, like i inadvertently did...
definitely satanic in some way.

BTW, what's with kaka's teeth? is he genetically engineered?

guitougoal said...

I call him inZigZaghi....from zigzag to pakalolo we are just on roll away...

DoctorShoot said...

well, late to work
no sleep
only to see the merseysiders walk alone home with a dry net...

7thou tickets set aside for red fans even though 35thou made the trip...

i tell you this greek architecture is not made for colonial bottoms....

greengrass said...

Sad, sad, sad - I'd love to stuff a ton of red herring tripe down Berlusconi's thieving throat!

Either that or force him to listen to Bruce Forsyth singing every second of the rest of his life...

Night, all!

gg

DoctorShoot said...

is this the look of the modern poolie? is it you mimi?

http://www.lun.com/galeria_fotos/detalle_galeria.asp?cuerpo=707&seccion=701&subseccion=902&idnoticia=392248730631134

mimi said...

yeah, well, thanks a lot Doc! I've worked so hard over the past months to cease being the lowerer of the tone on the blogs and OBO.
Now you do this to me - life's not fair!
And of course that't not me - I'm far more beautiful and exotic, and less available way.

offside said...

OK, one reason to cheer up then. Being able to last 90 minutes and lift a European Cup at the end of it when you're nearly 40 years old.

Heartening.

DoctorShoot said...

sorry mimi
she looks so gorgeous and so I thought that must have been you...
but it was meant in a strident football supporting way whilst having a cyclist's build and a sort of scottish determination...
it's so steamy in here perhaps I was drinking too much whilst watching the football....
we had the tv marathon qld / nsw state of origin rugby first, then the pool in athens, and now I have staggered in here needing a drink...
I'll have a Donatella Versace black which is: coffee 2 - 0 milk or cream followed by a heavy bout of disconsolate too-late she cried revivers which is:
plummers guiness pints 2 - 3 harry kewell anaesthetics if he gets on early enough next time....

chelseaexile said...

Bad luck mimi, andrew et al. Bizarre old game that was...

I like the fact that Gatusso swears fluently in English though.

Off to bed now, I'm going to Liverpool for work tmrw. (oh the irony)...

mimi said...

Sun grows cold and the sky gets black. Pretty much the end of the footy season for you boys. Who's gonna wake up tomorrow with a scream in the head, or even a screaming head? What a horrible way for Liverpool's season to end. Anti-climax, not a good show and losing. Bring back 2005 for so many sporting reasons!
Doc - over to you and Lev and the other Aussies to brighten our days with tales of Collingwood, St Kilda and whoever else thrills.

DoctorShoot said...

well mimi
the highlights of 2005 might be in the drawer under the tele behind the bar...
look in the bond section that says 'for red eyes only'....
then go to sleep refreshed...

byebyebadman said...

There's always the Copa America coming up mimi, unless Chavez can revoke the license of whichever TV station broadcasts it.

bluedaddy said...

The boozer's pretty deserted. No surprise really.

Just have to say it was worth popping in just for:

I salute all of you, except that wanker upfront. I like to think of the torment that awaits him when Satan calls in the favour, because there's no other explanation why he's been able to pass as a footballer for 15 years.

Beautifully put.

offside said...

Whaddaya mean, deserted? The night shift is on duty, as ever. What can I get you?

DoctorShoot said...

heated pool for liver revival now opened down past the atrium....
cocktail is:
RED HOPE
5 parts Plymouth Gin
1 part Apricot Brandy
10 parts Lemonade
1 dash Strawberry Syrup
Strawberry
Mint Leaves
Lime Slice

Blend with crushed ice and pour into a chilled highball glass. Garnish with lime slice, mint & strawberry.

the athens Quickie:
2 parts absynthe with sugar melt, 2 parts milanese coffee
is off the menu (somebody tipped the coffee contents out, and drank all the absynthe!!)

offside said...

And by the way, as Valencia, Chelsea, and now Liverpool will testify, if you ever want to jinx a team, just dial 1-800-TAHITI.

DoctorShoot said...

your money and mine tahiti...

bluedaddy said...

I reckon it's Ingrid. She cant be trusted when a quickie's on the menu.

But they do say absinthe makes the tart go fondle.

Night all.

PS. Bad luck Redmen. When that first goal went in I went out to play football. I fucking cannot abide Inzaghi.

We won 5-0.

DoctorShoot said...

For the first part there were only supporters of something
Coloured in splashes of the eye
Both of the same persuasion…red if you like, betty bunting
Matches the scarf…red apple pie

And where is jimmy greaves you ask crying into another useless corner
Bending one in from the flag
Untouched by a scrambling keeper, And why isn’t stan collymore’s forlorn or
Speculative scissors-kick used…he played for someone else you dag.

And then the second part turned to the game at last flickering
On the screen down near the heated spa
Where we downed zeph’s latest cocktails and took to bickering
As an italian bothered the scorers….bah…

But early days yet and still the chants arise amongst the dorian columns
Gracing the taproom backroom; glory in greece a chance yet,
Though there’s another one home and the wretched conundrum’s
Come down to “can our harry honour my shaky bet?”

But no. The spa’s turned off and the last white british bottoms
Slink off to towel and cry and reminisce and shrug
And the last part is an echo of my chants for extra time. but what ohms
Could possibly save the day…I cocktail alone and glug

The dregs of the others. The day’s not saved unless you’re from Milan
Or capable of leaping from team to team,
Like an unattached aussie in a foreign steambath taproom caravan
But feeling attached if not to a side then at least to a dream

Of UEFA including some other lands to make the numbers up.
Make European into Universal and have China and the USA
And Australia and…. I wander to the empty bar. refill my drinking cup
And look back on the festooned greek columns and am left to say

Chin up…tomorrow is another day….(rattle rattle, slip, stumble, thump!....silence)

DoctorShoot said...

oh no...
is that a chainsaw?...
who put that on the jukebox?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFeTnFzogCU

was that you offside?

offside said...

I. Most. Certainly. Did. Not.

(!!)

In fact, pass me the chainsaw and I'll deal with that juke-box myself.

I liked the poem, though. Are you vying for Zeph's title?

DoctorShoot said...

i am the blunt thumbnail to her gilded blade

offside said...

Andrew,

please post that comment on GU about the deal with the devil or allow me to do it in your name.

And while we're on the subject:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YRZV14zD-k&mode=related&search=

andrewm said...

offside, you have my blessing to post anything you like under any name. I can only imagine the amount of crowing on GU from the anti-Liverpool faction.

They'll all think it's sour grapes, but it's not. Kaka could have scored with his hand, his ear and his backside and I wouldn't have begrudged him the medal.

Why do good things happen to bad people?

offside said...

Well, I won't. If you want to stay out of it, I can understand that. But I really couldn't have put it better myself.

Maybe the goalscorer (OK, no names) isn't actually a bad person? Maybe he's just the ugliest football player ever to walk the green grass?

What I resent is that he gives being offside a bad name.

marcela said...

orsay: there's so much prejudice about the term 'offside' anyways... that is why we call you 'orsay' :)

andrewm: have to agree with those praising your post about inz - aaarrrghh -... pact with the devil.

if only i had read it carefully enough first time. how i could have thought you meant the lovely paolo...

but then, i was in denial both about 'aaarrghh' playing at all and about my own name (witness my post).

he does have a reputation for being most arrogant - maybe you could finally deliver a pseuds blog about his satanic practice. you've got your opening line already. you could write it all without naming him :)

andrewm said...

marcela, there's fuel there for what could be an interesting debate. I can think of a few sports stars who must have made the pact.

I'm too young to know if he was right, but I always liked Nick Hornby's line about how in the '70s every team in England had at least one player who, objectively speaking, just wasn't very good at football.

Probably still true, actually.

greengrass said...

Andy -
some amazing things happen on here.

There's been all sorts of revelations
on Iddy's thread, and now - I can't believe my eyes! - I thought I just read a diehard Liverpool fan admitting that his team in the 1970's had "at least one player who, objectively speaking, just wasn't very good at football."

I'll stay off that off-topic ale for a few days, I think. I've NEVER
hallucinated before. Somebody must have spiked my pint!
(Thinks)

Off-SIIIIDE!!!

honolulu said...

I have been in a Big Cup cocoon my whole life, I didn't realize there was so much ill will directed at He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, the AC striker (who cannot be any uglier than the snake-faced, red-eyed Potter villain). I went into the game a neutral (sorry HB and others) but rather thought Liverpool didn't get the benefit of the doubt and- how was the first goal not a handball?!?! Oh well.

Marcela, you might be pleased to know, again, that the ESPN announcers were slavering all over Mascherano again and they believed he would beat Kaka all night. No reason in particular (I paid special attention, this time), they just loved him.

I confess a bit of maternal concern for Mascherano and Tevez after this season, I feel like their detention in East London was a human rights violation and if I could have written to my Senator or volunteered at the "Free Mascherano and Tevez" headquarters, I would have done. Sorry Hammers fans!

Does this place ever have a Tuesday night macaroni and cheese? With bacon? Pig bacon, not tapir bacon, please.

mimi said...

Lulu: please don't mention the tapir. It was a sad and dark incident in my life and I regret so much that I trusted Offside and the boys with that poor animal.
Marcela: I have not looked at GU for days, even weeks now as part of my self-imposed ban. I will search out your threads.

DoctorShoot said...

mimi
http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/sport/2007/05/18/lately_the_balls_gone_in.html
it's a gem

mimi said...

Thanks for the link Doc. Marcela: wonderful stuff, even for a football novice as I am, I enjoy your words.

honolulu said...

I'm sorry, mimi. He was a gentle beast and deserved a better end.

Whoever ate the rump roast, please refrain from commenting.

offside said...

Well, excuse me, he may have been a gentle beast but he was also very tasty. What do you mean, a better end? I thought a stew was the perfect solution.

DoctorShoot said...

Mimi
if you read this when you awaken, better rush over, your boy's talking about bowling offbreaks from a bikesaddle or something.
he needs more help than I do:

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/sport/2007/05/25/ice_baths_new_pads_and_a_quick.html

Zephirine said...

If you haven't looked at this yet, look now:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/photo/page/0,,2087015,00.html

That guy is definitely heading for the Tavern...

offside said...

Zeph,

t'link'no workie, like...

mimi said...

Hey troops - been away a bit but heard it was Mouth's birthday. Guess he won't be in tonight, but Zeph: a cocktail for the man?

DoctorShoot said...

zeph
according to the caption the chap got to the tavern and had a skinful, then retired gracefully leaving only dung and footprints.
a lesson to other drinkers there?,
(that's not me is it??, I mean you wouldn't....)

mimi said...

Doc: what is that bike saddle thing? I've been occupied all day - not least with the awfulness of getting my passport photos done.

mimi said...

Doc: what is that bike saddle thing? I've been occupied all day - not least with the awfulness of getting my passport photos done.

mimi said...

sorry about the double post. Can't think what happened there. Must be an example of double beaucracy double-speak. Anyone seen a passport form recently?

DoctorShoot said...

mimi
have prepared a blue hawaii and left in fridge for mouth...
also a photo of tony attee, and one of lance armstrongs wrist bands (which I read in a french paper can double as a torniquet)..

DoctorShoot said...

bikesaddle is ian bell writing about ice baths and being out on the grog....
hope your photos are for coming here....

Zephirine said...

Offside, could you really not get that link? I'll email you the pic, it's so much fun.

andrewm said...

mimi, since you missed Nick on TV last week I trust you'll be keeping an eye out for Wilco tonight.

For those of us without a social life, it's sure to be a treat.

mimi said...

doc: I trust you're not making a reference to that horrid query postulated some time ago about What use is a Bell? Answer: something you need on a bike.
That would be cruel and unnecessary and bound to get me in full defence mode of the Boy.

offside said...

Zeph,

I'm not sure it's very wise to bring your orang-utan in here. We do have a bit of a history with pets, you know.

Mind you, I'll pass on this one as it looks too much like a couple of close relatives of mine, but I'm afraid Guitou would eat just about anything.

DoctorShoot said...

mimi
bellyboy is posted photo and all on GU and getting a bit of a towelling from PC quicknstraight et al and may need your rescue...

mimi said...

Offside: please in the name of all things holy, restrain your countryman from doing harm to yet another defenceless pet, brought innocently into the Taproom.
I fear that if I read of any more dark doings, I will abandon my vows of sobriety, poverty, chastity, etc and seek solace on the streets!

Zephirine said...

I wouldn't advise trying to do anything nasty to the orangutan, he's 6 feet tall and weighs about 19 stone. He only seems to understand Taiwanese, but I thought he could just sit quietly in the corner with a few pints of orange juice? He's led a very dull life in the zoo.

offside said...

Yeah, but Guitou is taller and you don't want to be around when he's really hungry. But who knows, maybe they'll get along.

Orange juice? I thought orangutans liked stout...

Zephirine said...

I did wonder if he'd like to discover Guinness, but I was afraid you lot would let him drink himself into a stupor and then....

mimi said...

forget the drinks - give him a book. He is after all, surely, the Librarian. Ook.

offside said...

Zeph!

"let him drink himself into a stupor and then.... "

And then what? Surely, you don't think...? Zeph, that's disgusting, you're even worse than Mimi. I'm shocked.

Zephirine said...

Well, he's here now, I'm not taking him back to the zoo. I'll show him how the jukebox works, he's quite bright.

orangutan said...

Thanks, Zeph. Hey, look, it's even got my favourite song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWqDW7uDdv8

mimi said...

My french is not good enough to make much sense of this, but what a charming old frenchman: is it Offside??

Zephirine said...

Good thing he doesn't speak French, it could put ideas in his head.

Zephirine said...

Mimi, the person who put it on youtube kindly posted all the words, without which I too would have been lost - in the description bit at the side....

The gorilla (whispers) is determined to get some action having spent all its life in the zoo, but has to choose between an ancient lady and a judge to erm, lose it with...

orangutan said...

I'd rather you didn't draw attention to my predicament folks. I'd heard there was a nice girl here called Ingrid who might help me out?

mimi said...

Isn't Ingrid attending to Doc on the massage table?

Zephirine said...

Orang seems to have retired to the corner with a free picture of Ebren. And I'm off to bed, so have fun, chaps.

guitougoal said...

hello everybody, did I smell orangutan or it's just the still persistant body odor left by pippo Inzaghi, i heard he was the guest of honor last night.....

orangutan said...

Hey frenchie, no insults please, allright? Who are you anyway to come in here and compare my musky scent to that of a bleeding italian devil-worshipping hemmorroid?

file said...

mornin' old man, good book?

I think I gone and got a bit awry with all the satanic primates on show since pippo popped up, still

if it was anyones birthday yesterday (25) they would share it with (and surely take some of the credit and reflected kudos from) the great Frank Oz

so if it was any of the posters on here they could be astrologically related to Miss Piggy, Animal, Fozzie bear, Sam the Eagle or other psyhcological projections of the personality characteristics of Oz

For this mornings musical hare of the orangutang, The Pakalolo's Return is hubritically effluvulent to sycophantically offer for your osmotic immersion..


Waldorf: Why do we always come here
Statler: I guess we'll never know
Waldorf: It's like a kind of torture
Both: To have to watch the show

[pause]

Muppets: And now let's get things started
Audience: Why don't you get things started
Kermit: It's time to get things started
Muppets: on the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational
This is what we call the Muppet Show!

[Gonzo blows his trumpet]

Muppets: Hippy Bathday!!!

[cheers, horns, fireworks]

file said...

fer yesterday that is

MotM said...

File - Thanks for that.

Re Muppets - it's amazing how quickly you go from the enthusiasm of Kermit and the energy of Animal to Waldorf and Statler (me and Greengrass I suggest!)

file said...

hope you had a good day Mouth, would you say you were more like Animal or Sam the Eagle? Or Paul Weller who also shares the same 'Start'?

All,

you can scroll through the pseuds' t-shirts at

http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/fileofacks

and any comments would surely aid Ebren Ceasars decision...

so many great designs but I wonder if an entry from the Orangutang might be coming up on the outside?

guitougoal said...

I didn't know about motm birthday, did i miss the cake or champagne? can we start all over again please?

kermit le frog said...

Un coup de baguette magique
En avant la musique
Il faut lever le rideau
C'est le Muppets Show!

offside said...

Guitou, for some reason, Mouth's birthday party was in the infamous Inzaghi room, next door. There's probably some cake left.

guitougoal said...

ah, ah, inzegui has to go to inzaghi no merci-

mimi said...

if anyone is in tonight, I'm buying.

offside said...

in and out, getting ready for the beach. What are we drinking?

guitougoal said...

mimi, is true there is an orangutan in the kitchen?

guitougoal said...

offsideforthebeach-what time on tuesday...?

offside said...

Late night flight on tuesday, reaching Roissy thursday morning. That's nearly two days in the air...

zeph said...

Evening all. Mouth's birthday cake was nice. Is that Orang asleep in the kitchen?

Offside, one forgets just how far away you are...how long will you be in France for? Are you looking forward to it?

mimi said...

Fuck knows Guitou: there could be an almighty orangutan-tapir love festschrift going on in the kitchen for all I know.

zeph said...

Now Mimi, you're the one who asked us not to mention the t***r.

Orang is a refugee from captivity, Guitou, so you should have things in common, but if he's asleep maybe better to leave him?

offside said...

Zeph,

mixture of dread and anticipation, as usual. Moorea to Roissy direct is a guaranteed shock to the system. I'll email with details in case any of you pass through my neck of the woods in the next couple of months.

Last time I saw Orang, he was looking for Ebren.

mimi said...

aaargh! Was he searching for ebren's sporran?

zeph said...

I think Ebren may have offered him a job as his bodyguard. He needs a lot of security these days

mimi said...

ebren needs the security? I thought it was the orang u librarian who was being targetted by Hello magazine!

offside said...

Hey, I've got a great idea for a film script! Listen, it's about this guy who goes around with his Orangut... Oh, hang on.

guitougoal said...

hey clinteastwood, "anyway you can"?
orange your tan?

offsideintahiti said...

Yeah, exactly, I wouldn't want to get into a legal dispute with Dirty Harry. Or his monkey.

Is Ebren on the run from his own bodyguard?

offside said...

And by the way, Guitou, while I don't have anywhere near your namedropping credentials, I did drive Clint around Cannes and Mougins a couple of times. Nice, unpretentious guy, real class.

guitougoal said...

namedropping credentials? that's sounds like a bad disease -could you retract namedropping before I drop your name from my t-shirts list...

guitougoal said...

Offside,
seriously did you drive clint -a l'est du bois-through cannes? may be cannes but not mougins, it's closed to traffic..only pedestrians-
did you pick hime au cap d'antibes?his favourite?

offside said...

Speaking of droppings, file's rabbit was manageable, but this orangutan is a whole different ball game. Zeph, you could have made sure he was house trained.

offside said...

No, not through Mougins village, I drove him to the Royal Mougins Golf Club and back.

I was working as a chauffeur for the Cannes film festival the year Clint was president of the jury (94 I think, the year of Pulp Fiction?), and they needed 3 drivers assigned to the Eastwood Residence, up in the hills above Cannes, for himself, his family and his guests. You had to be able to double up as a bodyguard, handle a Safrane turbo in a high-speed chase, and be a Clint body double in case of kidnapping attempts.

(...)

Erm, actually, in terms of selection criteria, they just lined up all the drivers and asked "All right, who speaks English?". And only three hands went up, which says a lot about the French school system when it comes to languages.

guitougoal said...

interesting story-did he have his orangutan or the mule of sister sarah?

guitougoal said...

offside,
your friend clint,is getting better and better with age-I mean the quality of the movies he is making are constantly improving.
Tuesday morning(monday it's closed),i'll send you the last review....before your trip.

gg said...

Mouth -
happy bitrhday!

I must admit, I feel like Waldorf and Statler some of the time - but yesterday I was all Animal: a 2-hour gig beating the living shit out of steel drums on an island with the world's "oldest" oil refinery (Engelsberg, Sweden).

Offside -
hope you survive the flight, and that France is kind to you and yours!

Ingrid -
a glass of orang squash, please!

mimi said...

just wondering if anyone is in tonight?

guitougoal said...

shuuuuuuuut...it's quiet night,but one more applejack and anything can happen.

mimi said...

anything: as in delights?

belphegor said...

When delights go out, anything might happen...

guitougoal said...

careful,anytime mimi says she is buying it cost us a lot.

mimi said...

once, just once,I was left in charge, and yes, I let certain regulars run up a tab or two. When it came to payment, it wasn't me exacting the moolah. It was all Offside and Greengrass. They are after all the Patrons. I was merely bar-maiding for an evening.

greengrass said...

Mimi -
"certain regulars"?

That night cost me a small fortune! Very distressing, considering the fact that I had to pay for Ingrid's operation after his unfortunate spell
among the kegs with Ebren.

guitougoal said...

mimi, these two guys are the 2 comics, double patte et patachon, Laurel & Hardy,Abott & Costello,they are working here for free drinks, no need to say they are costing a fortune.

zeph said...

Hello?.... anyone? (coughs) Dusty in here. And a bit smelly too.

Orang?

No, he's obviously gone off to find food or sex or something.

(swiftly wipes bar with an early-design sample t-shirt)

The Tavern is still open!

We have alcohol, pakalolo (when Marcela gets here) but no food unless Mimi can whip up some shark casserole.

DoctorShoot said...

'Great White Shark':
4 part Tequila
4 Ice cubes
dash of Tabasco sauce

Down in a gulp and another pls....

and pop this on the jukebox:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mpczZfyWj4

zeph said...

(mixing hastily)

Here we go - tonight's cocktail is the Jamaican Dream:

2 shots white rum
2 shots malibu
2 shots Mango juice
1 shot pineapple juice
splash of grenadine
Ice

and here's some music:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=zsAXUuJR7J0

(I was watching the Marley programme too)

DoctorShoot said...

whooops...
looks like I've done another dumb thing....

zeph said...

Great Paul Kelly clip Doc!

Zeph said...

BTW have any of you guys tried voting on File's t-shirt site? It wouldn't let me vote, try as I might. Perhaps Google have had me excluded (don't start that one off again Zeph)..

DoctorShoot said...

....and your's Zeph an all time fav and unplugged....
heili selassi and that beautiful guitar....
songs of freedom at last?... or are we still waiting....

Zeph said...

"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery
None but ourselves can free our minds"

cool stuff, huh?

Doc, I'm sort of discovering Paul Kelly's career backwards via youtube - is there an all-time great CD of his for Poms who are trying to catch up?

mimi said...

Hello all, took me a while to wander over, but Zeph, any chance of sticking the kettle on for a simple cup of tea? I have to work tomorrow.

DoctorShoot said...

long and distinguished career of a brilliant man... wherte to start?

I used to run a live poetry performance weekly show in Adelaide in the early aightees and he was an occasional attendee and jammer when I first noticed him....

if you want to see my favourite performer of all time (archie roach) doing a paul kelly song have a look at:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=lHY3vA1zKEw

it is a treat I promise

marcela said...

gals, gals... p-lease.
i'm not BRINGING the pakalolo. I'm SEEKING it.

found the girls singing without instruments gave me a little shudder.

am i getting old, i wonder...

i may be able to open the tavern myself, but it will take me a wee while to figure out how.

we're safer in this old joint for now

Zephirine said...

Earl Grey, English breakfast, Assam or Darjeeling?

Anonymous said...

Marcela, the stash is in the box behind the bar marked 'stash'.

marcela said...

poetry readings, eh doc...?

i'm off to youtube to check your man out.

mimi, the kettle's whistling. mine's black cwoffee

mimi said...

And if I may just stick this on the old juke box
http://youtube.com/watch?v=3o4Fgh0KW_4
Marley may have been a magician and manipulator of the emotions but here is the master.

zeph said...

Doc, that Archie Roach clip is magnificent.

mimi said...

Archie Roach? Weird Doc, just been introduced to his music by another Aussie.
Try a totally different sort of stuff with a bit of Life in a Scotch Sitting Room from the late but much loved Ivor Cutler
http://youtube.com/watch?v=lHY3vA1zKEw

zeph said...

Here's Marley Jr with a semi-hispanic take on One Love:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=AxCm9TvlVP4

(ah, the millennium... remember?)

mimi said...

And we're exchanging youtubes, here's a good one from some Aussie mates
http://youtube.com/watch?v=FSMF3h7LE2Q

zeph said...

Here's a Dylan one for Marcela:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ij4w6_S_3Ls

with the astonishing Scarlett Rivera on violin.

DoctorShoot said...

Zeph, Marcela, Mimi,

Archie Roach has a being that seems to stretch back into time and the journey is one of heartbreak and beauty.

Looking for Butter Boy is one of my travelling music specials.... There is something about great strength, renewal, and a sense of fun, when it gets packed into a voice at once as tragic as james brown and as soulful as marianne faithfull...

archie...thats him...

Mimi
I have now been inducted into the Ivor Butler hall of pleasure thanks to you... enjoyed the jaggered edge tosh...

Zeph
great link....

what fun really....

zeph said...

That's the jukebox loaded up, what's everybody drinking?

Where's Guitou? he usually comes in and causes trouble about now.

DoctorShoot said...

bluedaddy just posted onto your cricket blog zeph.
good post too

marcela said...

zeph, found that clip the other night when i went off on a dylan trek round youtube.

thought of posting it for you :)

doc's sent me on a marianne search now. really enjoyed a (relatively) recent album of hers. can't remember what it was called, when recorded, anything useful like that.

guitou's probably run off with the box marked 'stash'... unless orsay took it with him.

doc - can you recommend any sport related poems?

DoctorShoot said...

marcela
by me or anyone?...

DoctorShoot said...

Marcela (and Mouth and Mimi and cycling fans)
you might like this cycling classic:

http://www.middlemiss.org/lit/authors/patersonab/poetry/mulgab.html

mimi said...

Zeph's Dylan link caused a huge crash of my comms - don't know why. But if anyone's doing drinks, mine's another cup of tea please.
Doc: the best bit of Cutler i can't find on youtube, but it's The Man with the Trembly Nose, and one of our friends, Duncan, may have a source - if he cares to visit the Tavern and can tell us.

zeph said...

Mimi, perhaps the Dylan crashed because it's from Renaldo and Clara, quite the worst film ever to be made by a genius. Your computer may have a bad movie blocker.

I always liked Ivor Cutler's 'Shoe Hanger' but I haven't heard it for ages.

marcela said...

yes, indeed, by you or anyone doc...

apparently i don't have permission to access middlesmiss.org on this server.

curses - pirlo.

did any of yous ever see the dylan documentary no direction home? cut by scorsese from interviews dylan's agent arranged and archive footage?

mimi said...

Zeph: ah, could that be the reason? Renaldo and Clara pretty rubbish, but not the worst film. I didn't walk out of the cinema for that, just dozed off a bit.

mimi said...

http://www.middlemiss.org/lit/authors/patersonab/poetry
Doc: this is FORBIDDEN by my server. I'm now intrigued as to what is there. Is there another way in?

Zeph said...

Yes, Marcela, No Direction Home very good. In fact I have several DVDs of it because all my friends and relatives knew I would like it and gave it to me for Christmas. Sad to be so predictable, really.

Zeph said...

I can get it on my server.

Might as well post it here - its copyright must have expired :)

MULGA BILL'S BICYCLE by A.B. "Banjo" Paterson
'Twas Mulga Bill, from Eaglehawk, that caught the cycling craze;
He turned away the good old horse that served him many days;
He dressed himself in cycling clothes, resplendent to be seen;
He hurried off to town and bought a shining new machine;
And as he wheeled it through the door, with air of lordly pride,
The grinning shop assistant said, "Excuse me, can you ride?"

"See here, young man," said Mulga Bill, "from Walgett to the sea,
From Conroy's Gap to Castlereagh, there's none can ride like me.
I'm good all round at everything as everybody knows,
Although I'm not the one to talk - I hate a man that blows.
But riding is my special gift, my chiefest, sole delight;
Just ask a wild duck can it swim, a wildcat can it fight.
There's nothing clothed in hair or hide, or built of flesh or steel,
There's nothing walks or jumps, or runs, on axle, hoof, or wheel,
But what I'll sit, while hide will hold and girths and straps are tight:
I'll ride this here two-wheeled concern right straight away at sight."

'Twas Mulga Bill, from Eaglehawk, that sought his own abode,
That perched above Dead Man's Creek, beside the mountain road.
He turned the cycle down the hill and mounted for the fray,
But 'ere he'd gone a dozen yards it bolted clean away.
It left the track, and through the trees, just like a silver steak,
It whistled down the awful slope towards the Dead Man's Creek.

It shaved a stump by half an inch, it dodged a big white-box:
The very wallaroos in fright went scrambling up the rocks,
The wombats hiding in their caves dug deeper underground,
As Mulga Bill, as white as chalk, sat tight to every bound.
It struck a stone and gave a spring that cleared a fallen tree,
It raced beside a precipice as close as close could be;
And then as Mulga Bill let out one last despairing shriek
It made a leap of twenty feet into the Dean Man's Creek.

'Twas Mulga Bill, from Eaglehawk, that slowly swam ashore:
He said, "I've had some narrer shaves and lively rides before;
I've rode a wild bull round a yard to win a five-pound bet,
But this was the most awful ride that I've encountered yet.
I'll give that two-wheeled outlaw best; it's shaken all my nerve
To feel it whistle through the air and plunge and buck and swerve.
It's safe at rest in Dead Man's Creek, we'll leave it lying still;
A horse's back is good enough henceforth for Mulga Bill."

The Sydney Mail, 25 July 1896.

marcela said...

nah.
nice to be known well enough to be given the right gifts.

i think it's very interesting how that film was put together, particularly given how well it works.

might have to dig out one of me own copies and re-view...

one more cup of coffee before lights out?

marcela said...

oh, well done, zeph!

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