Thursday, April 12, 2007

When they weren't famous - Ebren

Sitting in a pub the other day, with the smell of a gently roasting tapir in the air and a pint of Guinness in my hand, the conversation turned to Wayne Rooney.

"He's bloody lucky he's good at football," said Mike.

"Cos not only is not that bright, he isn't even good looking."
This of course led to a discussion of "if they weren't footballers".

Here is a brief summary:

Beckham - model (depressingly, he might have been just as famous)

John Terry - drill sergeant in the army

Lampard - Estate agent

Phil Neville - getting England knocked out of the (cricket) world cup. [Sorry, but if you don't have the mentality for international sport talent won't change that]

Gary Neville - (Do I actually need to say local Labour party councillor/union rep do I?)

Fowler - co-hosting property ladder

Rooney - builder (you can just see him with a hod on his shoulder)

Drogba - bouncer (would you mess, i mean, would you?)

Pearce - electrician (failing)

Robbie Savage - Nurse

Ashley Cole - boy band member, along with Del Horno, Fabregas, and Owen Hargreaves.

Peter Crouch - school janitor (just picture him in a boiler suit pushing a broom)

I could go on, but I think it would be more fun if you guys did.


offside said...

What if Ebren didn't own a multimedia empire, what would he be?

greengrass said...

Scholes and Solskjaer - Bisto adverts.

greengrass said...

Second-choice Steve - bankrupt Blarney Stone salesman.

offside said...

greengrass - used Saab salesman?

MotM said...

Rich seam here I feel.

Not one drug dealer?

Mourinho - Manager of a Casino

Wenger - Professor

Harry Redknapp - Bookie

Sir Alex Ferguson - Prison Governor

Dave Bassett - RAC man.

Paul Jewell - Probation officer

Alan Curbishley - PE teacher

Terry Venables - Maitre D' in Marbella

offside said...

Christiano Ronaldo - melon farmer

Thierry Henry - Melon exporter

William Gallas - Melon harvester

Frank Lampard - Melon taster

Ashely Cole - Melon trader

Jose Mourinho - Melon Mogul

Liverpool fans - Melon advertisers

It's a booming trade. The French market is thriving.

BlueinBetis said...

Ray Parlour - trainee plastic surgeons model.

George Graham - Harry Redknapp

Kevin Keegan - Management Consultant

Claude Makalele - Porn star

Jose Mourhino - first prophet of new religion, currently with one convert looking for others in a shopping centre near you.

Emma said...

Wayne Rooney, Rio Ferdinand, Cristiano Ronaldo and Paul Scholes - understudies for the parts of Shrek, Donkey, Princess Fiona and Puss in Boots in Shrek.

Beckham, despite being too "pretty" looking, could certainly have made it as a model. So could Shevchenko and Cech, I like to think.

Arjen Robben could be a furniture mover, seeing as he loves staying on his feet, and all...

pipita said...

Ardiles: headmaster
Villa: Ice hockey goalie
Veron: coiffeur
Crespo: bank executive
Tevez: cumbia villera rapper-what else??
Heinze: soap opera star

greenhouseeffect said...

I hate to admit this, Offside, but I drive a Citroen deisel - though I've certainly sold a few well-used SAABs.


bluedaddy said...

Why is it that Robbie Savage as a nurse is perfect? Weird.
Adrian Chiles - presenter of MOTD
Gary Lineker - presenter of MOTD2

Ebren said...

Robbie Savage as a nurse doesn't make any sense, but it just seemed to work at the time.

Oh, and Offside - I'm not a melon picker, I'm a melon picker's son. And I'm only picking melons 'til the melon picker comes.

guitougoal said...

Great game, i have the feeling this thread is going to go on and on and on.

MotM said...

I've got an obvious one for Kahn, but that's all a long time ago now...

mimi said...

Steve Coppell: psychotherapist
Jose: (sorry guys) male model
Chris Coleman: lost!

Emma said...

José for male model goes without saying! But I just thought I'd let someone else say it seeing as I consider Crouch and Robben models as well and José might not be too chuffed. :~)

I just thought of another:
Sir Alex - gum tester.

Ebren said...

Dennis Wise - if there has ever been a man more natureally suited to becoming a London cabbie I have yet to meet him.

guitougoal said...

MOTM, i have an idea about your idea and the dress code involved.
Jose, is underrated as amodel, he could be a movie star.
David Beckham the milkman
C, Ronaldo the postman...
any objections ladies?

greengrass said...

Mourinho - Robbie Williams.

Ronaldinho, Van Nistleroy,
- Blackpool donkeys.

Oliver Kahn - Freddie Starr? I can see him guzzling tapirs on stage).

mimi said...

Jose to star alongside Antonio Banderas. But who would play his foil? Or indeed his overcoat?

hannibalbrooks said...

Bolo Zenden - US daytime soap actor

Craig Belamy - Fair Ground Ride Operator/Attendant.

Didier Drogba - Bassist in Wham! tribute act based in Carribean hotel resort

Joe Cole - Shane Ritchie's younger brother in Eastenders.

Arjen Robben - Geography Teacher/ Call Centre Manager

Alan Shearer - Gardening Catalogue Model or 'Dad' in Butlins brochure.

Christiano Ronaldo - Mobile Phone Shop Assistant or Barman in trendy bar

Edwin Van Der Saar - Undertaker or 'Blakey' in any future remake of On The Buses.

Neil Warnock - Traffic Warden or Littlewoods Pools Agent.

guitougoal said...

mimi, mourinho is antonio's foil. Have you seen his movie" take the lead"?

andrewm said...

Apologies in advance for the lack of humour, but if Terry Butcher isn't already writing a political rant column for the Daily Mail about the decline of the great English bulldog spirit then he surely is in another dimension.

I can see Kevin Gallacher standing on a Glasgow street corner in the rain, in a hoodie, sopping wet, trying to sell you drugs and being too scared to use his knife on you when you refuse to buy any.

mimi said...

guitou: I can't think right now, I'm trying to help a new visitor work out how to sign into to Pseuds and in ain't easy!

offside said...


did you tell your friend about the test and the membership fee?

mimi said...

Knowing my friend, I think she might have headed for the Taproom. No doubt hoping for a tapir toastie, and lurking waiting for a debonair frenchman to buy her a drink.

guitougoal said...

the taproom is closed due to inventory problem.We
drank everything including the salads vinegar and the heating fuel.

greengrass said...

Sam Allardyce - Ena Sharples.

offside said...


I'm afraid you'll have to explain that one...

bluedaddy said...

offside said...

Why, thank you bluedaddy, I see what you mean now. But who is Ena?

pipita said...

I made mention of Tevez

great stuff


Just saw a 1971 photo of Ena in wikipedia...Thats a very cruel analogy, poor old Samm

greengrass said...

Coming, as I do, from Ena Sharples country, it's easy to see Sam in a headscarf nattering away with Minnie and Martha in the snug of the Rover's Return.
More affection than cruelty!

greengrass said...

offside -
sorry, Ena was the star of the "Coronation Street" series. It wa sone of my mothers "musts", together with "Emergency - Ward 10" and all-in
It was either that or standing outside in the rain...

offside said...

Yes, Coronation Street... another slice of English culture that has remained a closed book to me.

MotM said...


Was there ever a better three-hander comedy than Hilda, Stan and Eddie?

Ena and Sam are a good call, but Sam's more miserable.

greengrass said...

Ena Sharples would probably do a better job as England manager than that toothy tool.

honolulu said...

Craig Belllamy is a carny, yes.

Patrick Vieira: Rudy Giuliani's muscle

Roy Keane: Police chief

Thierry Henry: angel

Solskjaer and Scholes: hobbits (movie extras)

Dennis Bergkamp: UN ambassador for refugees (he wants everyone to stay exactly where they were- no air travel!)

Nico Anelka: backup dancer for Madonna

David Beckham: voice for Lisa Simpson

greengrass said...

Mouth -
Hilda, Stan and Eddie were great.
Mourinho, Kenyon and Roman are hard to beat.
Greatest-ever comedy trio?
The Marx Brothers weren't bad...

greengrass said...

Totti - dummy salesman

honolulu said...

Daniele de rossi: kickboxer

mimi said...

guitou, lulu et al: I need you in the Taproom. I let loose my friend, and oooh, bad news!

guitougoal said...

mimi ,did i miss something?
pipita, i saw your Tevez job description:perfecto.

mimi said...

guitou: go over there. It's frightening!

greenwithenvygrass said...

having seen Ebren's mug on MySpace, I'm sure that before he became rich and famous he was David Bowie.

offsideintemptation said...

Yeah, I wasn't too sure about his offer of a snog at first, but now I'm toying with the idea...

Ebren said...

Having seen yours Offy I think I've changed my mind.

GG - at least I;m in full Sweden regalia....

offside said...

That's because I got my files all mixed up and sent a picture of the tapir instead.

Too late to retract anyway...

Ebren said...

as the actress said to the bishop (ithangyou)

PW75 said...

Oh no, I missed this game.

Never mind, I would only have pinched all my ideas from here:

mimi said...

offside's picture of a tapir (I'm still a bit sad) is not a tapir anyway. It's a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig, and no-one should be fooled.

Tweet it, digg it