The NFL has many problems. Fortunately, we only have the space and time to deal with one of them, because otherwise I'd be ranting on here until I was older and greyer than Joe Gibbs. For this week, we'll concentrate upon 'recognition'.
The NFL is big on recognition. The existence of a player is only validated if he has some sort of statistic attached to him, or some sort of special moment in NFL history. For example, no-one would remember Scott Norwood, had he not shanked the field goal attempt which would've won a Superbowl for the Buffalo Bills, but he did and as a result Jim Kelly has the unenviable statistic of being the only quarterback to be on the losing side in four Superbowls. Similarly, it is unlikely that David Tyree's career will be remembered for anything other than The Helmet Catch in this year's match.
The problem with this approach is that there are many, many players who will go through their career without breaking any significant records or doing something really dumb. How do you mark their careers? This being America, they've come up with two ways - the Pro Bowl and the Hall of Fame.
In this, the NFL is no different to a lot of other sports. Many of them have All-Star games (which is what the Pro Bowl amounts to) and Halls of Fame. The difference is that American Football is played exclusively in America. Even the Canadian version plays to slightly different rules. So, in every other sport, you have the chance of representing your country against another country. In American Football, like in Aussie Rules, you don't get that chance.
All of which means that, to the fan of this game, the Pro Bowl and the Hall of Fame take on a disproportionately large meaning. Getting to the Pro Bowl is like getting an international cap. Which makes it a shame that, every year, the game is as bad as watching an England friendly. Painfully, painfully dire. You'd see more tackling if you installed Dale Winton and Julian Clary as linebackers.
You want to know how bad it is? The game was screened by Fox because, in a very clever deal, if you want to screen the Superbowl, you have to take the Pro Bowl as well. They couldn't be bothered to anything more than their third string commentary team. This, for a game which is screened, for some inexplicable reason, on prime time television.
In truth, there was one decent, hard, tackle in the game. I know this because I only saw the highlights (which marks me out as a positive zealot, as most columnists won't admit to watching it at all) and the tackle was practically 10% of it. That tackle was made by Asante Samuel of the Patriots, representing the AFC. That's the same Asante Samuel who became a free agent last Friday (i.e. available for transfer) and who had one of the worst Superbowls in living memory. No ulterior motive there, then.
Another thing which makes the Pro Bowl a farce is that the coaches have only four days to work with their teams, because they don't get together until after the Superbowl. And the teams themselves are coached by the coaching teams which lost the Championship games in January, so in this case the Patriots and the Chargers. No coaching team, faced with a squad of players who normally represent other sides, is going to give away anything from their own playbook. So each side ends up running the basic plays every team uses, with the odd gadget (trick) play thrown in to entertain the crowd. So, on Sunday, we had a fake punt, two 15 yard penalties for fielding illegal defenses, an NFC touchdown largely due to the AFC only having ten men on the pitch and Devin Hester, the recordbreaking kick returner, opting to throw a pass instead of running a kick back.
The thing which really annoys me about the Pro Bowl, though, is that the players in it are selected with almost half the season still to play. This meant that, among other things, no fewer than 6 of the 22 starting NFC players came from the Minnesota Vikings, despite the fact that, come the end of the season, the Vikes faded faster than a cheap pair of denims in the Hawaii sun. At the same time, there was no place for Eli Manning, Plaxico Burress, David Tyree or most of the rest of the Giants' heroes.
In short, never has a game with 72 points in it (the NFC won 42-30, in case you care) produced such widespread indifference.
The Hall of Fame, however, is almost too far the other way. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, each year at least 15 players are chosen by a variety of means to go forward for election to the Hall. To these 15 are added one, two or three nominations by a 'Seniors Committee', which exists to put forward those long retired players who might otherwise be forgotten. I don't know of any time when that figure hasn't been two. Normally, therefore, there are 17 names up for consideration by an elite group of sportswriters, 44 of them this year.
First of all, there is a ballot to whittle the 15 non-Seniors nominees down to 10. Then the Seniors nominees are added and someone makes a presentation in support of each. Another secret ballot reduces the numbers further to 7, which is the maximum number of inductees each year, for some insane reason. There is then a show of hands for each player, with only those who get 80% of the votes elected.
This year, the vote was a farce. How the selectors arrived at their decisions is incomprehensible to anyone who does not appreciate the monumental ego of some sports journalists. This leads to decisions which sometimes beggar belief. This year, for example, they failed to elect Cris Carter, Bob Kuechenberg and Paul Tagliabue, each one an astonishingly bad decision.
Carter was up for election for the first time. Statistically, only about a sixth of first time nominees get in anyway. But Carter was something special, a receiver of sublime skill and electric speed, who set numerous records during his playing career. Instead, they selected Art Monk, a very good receiver on his 9th attempt to be elected, a fine player in his own right but as close to Carter in terms of talent and ability as Jeffrey Archer is to Geoffrey Chaucer. The reasoning? Basically, the electors had got tired of discussing Monk every year and decided to elect him to put an end to the debate.
‘Kooch’ was one of the offensive linemen in the Dolphins team which went unbeaten through the 1972 season. He’s been trying to get in for about 18 years now. Applying the same logic which applied to Art Monk, he should’ve been in the Hall in the last century, let alone last year. But he’s not in and he may never get in, because two of his fellow Dolphin linemen are in already and the perception is that, whilst he might be good enough, they don’t want another one of that team in the Hall. Even allowing for the fact that the ’72 Dolphins routinely annoy as many people as they please, with their famous champagne popping celebration when the last unbeaten side in a season is defeated, this is still crazy. If someone is good enough to be a Hall of Famer, they are good enough to be a Hall of Famer. End of story.
It is actually the last of these which really grates with me. Paul Talgliabue wasn’t a player, he was the commissioner of the NFL before Roger Goodell. During that time he expanded the number of teams and brought more money into the game than ever before. He may have been lax on one or two things, and maybe the owners did wring more money out of the TV companies than he thought was possible, but history shows that he was a force for good in the game. There have only been three commissioners in the history of the NFL. Goodell won’t be eligible to enter the Hall until he retires, but Tagliabue’s predecessor, Pete Rozelle is in there despite having achieved no more than Tagliabue did in his time. Having one in and not the other is like electing Bill Shankly but not Matt Busby to a football hall of fame. Yet Tagliabue may never make it (Rozelle took 8 years, but part of that was because he managed to annoy players, fans and journalists alike with his conduct during his final years in charge). Why? Because he didn’t like journalists, didn’t like giving interviews or passing on information. So most journalists don’t like him. Remember who the Hall of Fame electors are? There’s your problem. “Forget how much good the guy did for the game, I could never get an interview from him, so he’s not going in”.
I could write more on this - there’s a whole story on the punter Ray Guy which needs to be told one day - but then I’d never get around to the team-by-team review of the season. One bit of sad news to end with is that the Vikings’ defensive end Kenechi Udeze has just been diagnosed as suffering form leukaemia. In the week where the three Washington Redskins’ players in the Pro Bowl all wore the number 21 in honour of their late colleague Sean Taylor, it is hard to hear of another young talent whose life is in danger.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Ninety-Nine quid well spent! - PremCorrespondent
I've just been on Ebay and spent the most gratifying £99 I've blown since that night in 1972 when I bumped into half the [Ed. Never gonna happen!] team on their way into Miss Lightlegs' Parlour on Colchester's infamous Redman Street.
That's right! I've just bought my very own special edition commemorative Munich Disaster scarf memorabilia pack. Seeing it listed on there took me way back to that morning Edwards flicked up a ball on the training ground - glanced me a look - and blasted it at me to make me drop my pie. The Bastard!
The scummy prawn sandwich muncher with no sense of heritage who was selling it now has to give me his address for the cheque. And Dave the Knife has been itching to pay me back for pointing him towards Colchester for a while.
Whether Dave does the business or not, at least the scum selling their scarves watched an abysmal defeat to a side that last week were creamed easily by champions-elect Arsenal. And to think, most of the players on the pitch weren't even conceived when City last did the league double over United.
Sticking with conception, wives across the country were given an early Valentine present when millions of men turned off the Chelsea Liverpool bore draw half way through and asked instead if there was anything needed doing round the house.
And with the competition holding the door open for them, Arsenal destroyed a very poor Blackburn side 2-0 to take a firm grip of the shiny silver pot toped by a small golden crown. Granted 2-0 hardly sounds like a thrashing. But this one was and should have better embarrassed Rovers than their defeat to the same opponents' second string in the League Cup a few weeks back.
That poor Chelsea draw probably gave a boost to the other corner of North London too. Three goals in the last half hour saw Spurs claim three away points that even the remaining Busby Babes could still take if they needed them.
That's right. The only team outside the big three that might win something this season played Derby in a meaningless warm up ahead of two Uefa Cup games and a League Cup final. Under Ramos Spurs are better than Liverpool, and with Chelsea looking tired that three to one bet I took might yet pay off.
Of course another team better than Liverpool under their less new manager is Aston Villa.
Now I'll admit that I spat brandy across the pub when Kevin's plucky Magpies took an early lead - away from home – and through Michael Owen of all people. But there was never any doubt a defence that has worsened since sacking Titus Bramble would be overwhelmed.
So when Carew finished off his hat trick no one could deny the big man his accolade as Martin O'Neil's new Emile Heskey. No one except Joey Barton perhaps, who seemingly punched Shaun Maloney whilst out on bail awaiting trial for another violent assault.
Sticking with sides better than Liverpool, and granted this theme could last a while these days, Everton managed to go one better than their lower profile neighbours this week.
That's right. While Liverpool played out bore draw, Everton played an even more yawn inducing 1-0 win against Reading, whose form of late must offer the Toon Army some hope that Newcastle will remain in top flight for next season.
Of course hope is hard to foster at St James’ Park when sides like West Ham have already put their season into cruise control.
Like Spurs, Birmingham City have improved under their new manager. They have become better organised, more resilient, and a little sneaky when dealing with the ref. So when the Hammers didn’t finish the job with a follow up to their excellent opener, it was only a matter of time before a Lucas Neil special was rightly punished with a penalty to give the likely relegation survivors a valuable point.
Adding to the Newcastle gloom, Middlesbrough became the highest placed North East team as a 1-0 win against an increasingly adrift Fulham took them up to 12th. And Sunderland won a fourth consecutive home game putting them 14th, and just two points off the plummeting black and white stone, though they were largely outplayed by Wigan.
Oh, and on top of all that, Portsmouth scored a ludicrously offside goal to take an ill-deserved three points from the Reebok in a game that saw England Number One David James put in a man of the match performance.
That's right! I've just bought my very own special edition commemorative Munich Disaster scarf memorabilia pack. Seeing it listed on there took me way back to that morning Edwards flicked up a ball on the training ground - glanced me a look - and blasted it at me to make me drop my pie. The Bastard!
The scummy prawn sandwich muncher with no sense of heritage who was selling it now has to give me his address for the cheque. And Dave the Knife has been itching to pay me back for pointing him towards Colchester for a while.
Whether Dave does the business or not, at least the scum selling their scarves watched an abysmal defeat to a side that last week were creamed easily by champions-elect Arsenal. And to think, most of the players on the pitch weren't even conceived when City last did the league double over United.
Sticking with conception, wives across the country were given an early Valentine present when millions of men turned off the Chelsea Liverpool bore draw half way through and asked instead if there was anything needed doing round the house.
And with the competition holding the door open for them, Arsenal destroyed a very poor Blackburn side 2-0 to take a firm grip of the shiny silver pot toped by a small golden crown. Granted 2-0 hardly sounds like a thrashing. But this one was and should have better embarrassed Rovers than their defeat to the same opponents' second string in the League Cup a few weeks back.
That poor Chelsea draw probably gave a boost to the other corner of North London too. Three goals in the last half hour saw Spurs claim three away points that even the remaining Busby Babes could still take if they needed them.
That's right. The only team outside the big three that might win something this season played Derby in a meaningless warm up ahead of two Uefa Cup games and a League Cup final. Under Ramos Spurs are better than Liverpool, and with Chelsea looking tired that three to one bet I took might yet pay off.
Of course another team better than Liverpool under their less new manager is Aston Villa.
Now I'll admit that I spat brandy across the pub when Kevin's plucky Magpies took an early lead - away from home – and through Michael Owen of all people. But there was never any doubt a defence that has worsened since sacking Titus Bramble would be overwhelmed.
So when Carew finished off his hat trick no one could deny the big man his accolade as Martin O'Neil's new Emile Heskey. No one except Joey Barton perhaps, who seemingly punched Shaun Maloney whilst out on bail awaiting trial for another violent assault.
Sticking with sides better than Liverpool, and granted this theme could last a while these days, Everton managed to go one better than their lower profile neighbours this week.
That's right. While Liverpool played out bore draw, Everton played an even more yawn inducing 1-0 win against Reading, whose form of late must offer the Toon Army some hope that Newcastle will remain in top flight for next season.
Of course hope is hard to foster at St James’ Park when sides like West Ham have already put their season into cruise control.
Like Spurs, Birmingham City have improved under their new manager. They have become better organised, more resilient, and a little sneaky when dealing with the ref. So when the Hammers didn’t finish the job with a follow up to their excellent opener, it was only a matter of time before a Lucas Neil special was rightly punished with a penalty to give the likely relegation survivors a valuable point.
Adding to the Newcastle gloom, Middlesbrough became the highest placed North East team as a 1-0 win against an increasingly adrift Fulham took them up to 12th. And Sunderland won a fourth consecutive home game putting them 14th, and just two points off the plummeting black and white stone, though they were largely outplayed by Wigan.
Oh, and on top of all that, Portsmouth scored a ludicrously offside goal to take an ill-deserved three points from the Reebok in a game that saw England Number One David James put in a man of the match performance.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Don't touch the merchandise - AndAnotherThing
If you have ever watched a reserve game, you may be forgiven for wondering what the difference is to a first team game. There are a couple of first-teamers recovering from injury in the stiffs, a couple of players who have provoked the big chap in the long coat's ire, and a few kids on their way up.
A strange atmosphere of pointlessness hangs over the whole thing. For the bigger players in particular there really isn't much to play for, except perhaps not being seen too visibly sulking. That remains the first choice centre-forward's job after all. Otherwise it's the same as a normal game. You still leap up involuntarily if your team scores, and you can still negotiate the purchase of a Balti Pie and some luke-warm German urine in a plastic glass at half time.
Reserve football is a top day out. But, in practice at least, your club is really no more than this. It is no more than four or five teams playing at different levels in the same colour shirts, all backed up with a couple of history books. It is only the support that really makes the otherwise rather empty framework of a football club come to life, and with that it becomes… pass the sickbag… a "brand". Support is the essence of a club.
How did the brand of your club come into existence? Was it in 1992 when an assortment of good spin fairies and marketing witches invented the Premiership product? Amazingly no. Whatever Scudamore and his evil minions might like to pretend, the Premiership and the assorted club chairmen over the years have "just" developed and profited from their brands. These were instead created over the course of a hundred years or so by the exploits of players, managers, and above all the unfailing support of their core support.
Fans' relationships with their club are profound and tribal, informed by location, family history and psychology, love, dreams, irrationality, nerdiness, and quite probably psychosis. Over the last 15 years, these poor saps have been squeezed for every last penny, every cubic millimetre of their seemingly ridiculous and outdated loyalty has been market-researched and exploited to within an inch of its sorry life.
They have seen ticket prices rise to Royal Opera House levels as attendances at some grounds slumped. They buy a new shirt for their kids every year now, instead of every two years as was the tradition. And they can only watch most live games on pay TV at home or in pubs.
Indeed don't think Match of the Day will stay free forever. Here in France the recent bidding for TV rights has seen the national "free" channels lose out to Canal Plus (pay) and Orange (mobile phones) with the result that anyone who doesn't subscribe will see just one and half minutes per weekend of football on the news. All of this, we have learned to live with and, masochistically, even find ways of quite enjoying. We have been sold back at a phenomenal price what was actually ours for almost nothing. We're loving it.
The soaring TV revenues have lead to even quite average footballers earning in a week what a doctor might in a year. Understandably the behaviour has become correspondingly ludicrous. Rich comedy is afforded by the antics of Cashley Cole or Jermain Defoe but every now and again your laughter inevitably turns sour and bilious.
There was the recent rape allegation at Manchester United's Christmas party where top comedian Rio Ferdinand wheeled in a couple of busloads of would be WAGs while the players left their poor old Eileens at home. We see John Terry, our national captain, scream at some unfortunate referee week after week. We see the amazing mathematical hazard that lets the top four play each other on the same day twice a season. We see the Tevez fiasco. We see a decision not to allow Spurs and West Ham to cancel an illness stricken game made and announced on the Highbury touchline. And worst of all we see England's national team play.
We see, chew over, swallow, and digest all of this, washed down with a vintage bottle of Britain's saving grace, our supposed ability to laugh at ourselves and "get on with it". Yet if we ignored a weekend's action and took to sheepdog trials instead, the "product" would have little more value than the reserve games mentioned above. Of course we'd have to import a few aircraft carriers filled with sheepdogs from the Falkland Isles, but you take my point.
This brings us to the Premier League's recent cock-eyed proposal to play a 39th game in far-flung world cities. This must serve as the final straw. We have swallowed all of the above because of our deep and passionate ties with the clubs we love. If you'll pardon my French, the piss has not just been taken, it has been ripped out, processed, put in dinky bottles with a picture of the club mascot on the front, and sold back to us with a prawn sandwich.
An outrageous amount of metaphorical laughing and pointing at fans' gullibility has no doubt quite rightly been done in the game's boardrooms. This time however a line has been crossed. It is quite possible with this scheme that Spurs-Arsenal will be played in Miami and a Manchester United-Manchester City will take place in Beijing. And this will apparently provide "travel opportunities".
If you need help following why that is plain WRONG then I will draw you a proverbial diagram. For the first time in 120 years, the perfectly even field that League teams compete upon will be shat on from on high. Your club can draw Chelsea three times while your neighbours get three against Watford. There is absolutely no further argument required to explain why this is WRONG and cannot work.
I must say now that I would actually quite look forward to seeing Sir Alex or Wenger's reaction to such a fixture-based injustice. But, oh no, silly me, even that subtle and rare delight will be denied us because they will be SEEDED! They won't have to play another "top four" team three times., and thus when the league campaign starts, all teams will no longer be deemed equal under the rules of the game.
And why are we doing this? Because apparently "90%" of the potential audience can't get to see a game. Well this may come as a surprise to Scuddy, but there is also a substantial audience in Britain who can't get to see a game because of ticket prices, a lack of sufficient seats, or ludicrous kick-off times that don't coincide with transport schedules.
Strangely the concern for these people has drawn no response. Ticket prices have not fallen and Sky's kick off times still don't correspond to railway timetables. But, hey, no doubt those changes are in the pipeline.
They want to use the games abroad as a "development tool" in Africa and Asia. Now I couldn't say that with a straight face if I was tricky Dicky Scudamore himself. I would have to be protected by a black curtain with a hole for my eyes and mouth so people couldn't see me cringe. But that's what they say so it must be true. Likewise no corporate ticket sales will be allowed, and this is in no way just an effort to make yet more money for people who by any reasonable standards have too fucking much already.
Now let's finish with some unjustified sexual metaphors. Perhaps that will help.
This scheme is rampant, it is a right old goer - in three days it has threatened to perform the most unspeakably saucy acts on the sorry arses of the fans' understandable yet foolhardy belief that they might have a chance of getting a ticket for a home game.
It has swaggered into the living-room in a pair of knee-high leather boots and proclaimed its desire to shaft the whole League fixture system up its battered old ring. It has pranced around in edible lingerie taunting inhabitants of Third World countries with the promise of a sizzling Wigan-Reading in their boudoir.
If the pole dancing stripper that is the English game is being lunged at by her despicable and power drunken audience made up of Sky and clammy chairmen, then us fans must be the bouncers. We grew wary and failed as they lingered too long when stuffing bills in her garter. We let the lewd degrading suggestions slide because they were drunk on power. But now the perverts have climbed onto the podium by men unfastening their belts and thus breaking the one rule that matters most.
DON'T TOUCH THE MERCHANDISE!
So this has to stop here. Not because you couldn't make an argument for the scheme on its own. But because it must be viewed in the context of 15 years of total disregard and disrespect for the people who put these bastards where they are and without whom the EPL would still be the old Football Combination, albeit with knobs on.
So make your protests heard. enough is enough.
Down Shep !
A strange atmosphere of pointlessness hangs over the whole thing. For the bigger players in particular there really isn't much to play for, except perhaps not being seen too visibly sulking. That remains the first choice centre-forward's job after all. Otherwise it's the same as a normal game. You still leap up involuntarily if your team scores, and you can still negotiate the purchase of a Balti Pie and some luke-warm German urine in a plastic glass at half time.
Reserve football is a top day out. But, in practice at least, your club is really no more than this. It is no more than four or five teams playing at different levels in the same colour shirts, all backed up with a couple of history books. It is only the support that really makes the otherwise rather empty framework of a football club come to life, and with that it becomes… pass the sickbag… a "brand". Support is the essence of a club.
How did the brand of your club come into existence? Was it in 1992 when an assortment of good spin fairies and marketing witches invented the Premiership product? Amazingly no. Whatever Scudamore and his evil minions might like to pretend, the Premiership and the assorted club chairmen over the years have "just" developed and profited from their brands. These were instead created over the course of a hundred years or so by the exploits of players, managers, and above all the unfailing support of their core support.
Fans' relationships with their club are profound and tribal, informed by location, family history and psychology, love, dreams, irrationality, nerdiness, and quite probably psychosis. Over the last 15 years, these poor saps have been squeezed for every last penny, every cubic millimetre of their seemingly ridiculous and outdated loyalty has been market-researched and exploited to within an inch of its sorry life.
They have seen ticket prices rise to Royal Opera House levels as attendances at some grounds slumped. They buy a new shirt for their kids every year now, instead of every two years as was the tradition. And they can only watch most live games on pay TV at home or in pubs.
Indeed don't think Match of the Day will stay free forever. Here in France the recent bidding for TV rights has seen the national "free" channels lose out to Canal Plus (pay) and Orange (mobile phones) with the result that anyone who doesn't subscribe will see just one and half minutes per weekend of football on the news. All of this, we have learned to live with and, masochistically, even find ways of quite enjoying. We have been sold back at a phenomenal price what was actually ours for almost nothing. We're loving it.
The soaring TV revenues have lead to even quite average footballers earning in a week what a doctor might in a year. Understandably the behaviour has become correspondingly ludicrous. Rich comedy is afforded by the antics of Cashley Cole or Jermain Defoe but every now and again your laughter inevitably turns sour and bilious.
There was the recent rape allegation at Manchester United's Christmas party where top comedian Rio Ferdinand wheeled in a couple of busloads of would be WAGs while the players left their poor old Eileens at home. We see John Terry, our national captain, scream at some unfortunate referee week after week. We see the amazing mathematical hazard that lets the top four play each other on the same day twice a season. We see the Tevez fiasco. We see a decision not to allow Spurs and West Ham to cancel an illness stricken game made and announced on the Highbury touchline. And worst of all we see England's national team play.
We see, chew over, swallow, and digest all of this, washed down with a vintage bottle of Britain's saving grace, our supposed ability to laugh at ourselves and "get on with it". Yet if we ignored a weekend's action and took to sheepdog trials instead, the "product" would have little more value than the reserve games mentioned above. Of course we'd have to import a few aircraft carriers filled with sheepdogs from the Falkland Isles, but you take my point.
This brings us to the Premier League's recent cock-eyed proposal to play a 39th game in far-flung world cities. This must serve as the final straw. We have swallowed all of the above because of our deep and passionate ties with the clubs we love. If you'll pardon my French, the piss has not just been taken, it has been ripped out, processed, put in dinky bottles with a picture of the club mascot on the front, and sold back to us with a prawn sandwich.
An outrageous amount of metaphorical laughing and pointing at fans' gullibility has no doubt quite rightly been done in the game's boardrooms. This time however a line has been crossed. It is quite possible with this scheme that Spurs-Arsenal will be played in Miami and a Manchester United-Manchester City will take place in Beijing. And this will apparently provide "travel opportunities".
If you need help following why that is plain WRONG then I will draw you a proverbial diagram. For the first time in 120 years, the perfectly even field that League teams compete upon will be shat on from on high. Your club can draw Chelsea three times while your neighbours get three against Watford. There is absolutely no further argument required to explain why this is WRONG and cannot work.
I must say now that I would actually quite look forward to seeing Sir Alex or Wenger's reaction to such a fixture-based injustice. But, oh no, silly me, even that subtle and rare delight will be denied us because they will be SEEDED! They won't have to play another "top four" team three times., and thus when the league campaign starts, all teams will no longer be deemed equal under the rules of the game.
And why are we doing this? Because apparently "90%" of the potential audience can't get to see a game. Well this may come as a surprise to Scuddy, but there is also a substantial audience in Britain who can't get to see a game because of ticket prices, a lack of sufficient seats, or ludicrous kick-off times that don't coincide with transport schedules.
Strangely the concern for these people has drawn no response. Ticket prices have not fallen and Sky's kick off times still don't correspond to railway timetables. But, hey, no doubt those changes are in the pipeline.
They want to use the games abroad as a "development tool" in Africa and Asia. Now I couldn't say that with a straight face if I was tricky Dicky Scudamore himself. I would have to be protected by a black curtain with a hole for my eyes and mouth so people couldn't see me cringe. But that's what they say so it must be true. Likewise no corporate ticket sales will be allowed, and this is in no way just an effort to make yet more money for people who by any reasonable standards have too fucking much already.
Now let's finish with some unjustified sexual metaphors. Perhaps that will help.
This scheme is rampant, it is a right old goer - in three days it has threatened to perform the most unspeakably saucy acts on the sorry arses of the fans' understandable yet foolhardy belief that they might have a chance of getting a ticket for a home game.
It has swaggered into the living-room in a pair of knee-high leather boots and proclaimed its desire to shaft the whole League fixture system up its battered old ring. It has pranced around in edible lingerie taunting inhabitants of Third World countries with the promise of a sizzling Wigan-Reading in their boudoir.
If the pole dancing stripper that is the English game is being lunged at by her despicable and power drunken audience made up of Sky and clammy chairmen, then us fans must be the bouncers. We grew wary and failed as they lingered too long when stuffing bills in her garter. We let the lewd degrading suggestions slide because they were drunk on power. But now the perverts have climbed onto the podium by men unfastening their belts and thus breaking the one rule that matters most.
DON'T TOUCH THE MERCHANDISE!
So this has to stop here. Not because you couldn't make an argument for the scheme on its own. But because it must be viewed in the context of 15 years of total disregard and disrespect for the people who put these bastards where they are and without whom the EPL would still be the old Football Combination, albeit with knobs on.
So make your protests heard. enough is enough.
Down Shep !
Friday, February 8, 2008
Leaky week - Premcorrespondent
It's been a bad week over in the correspondent household.
The dishwasher’s on the blink again and the sunroof in the Kermit-coloured Rover 25 is now leaking. Unfortunately, since Rover went the way of domestic fixtures in the Premier League, the only way to get a new one is from the scrapheap. I now know how Harry Redknapp feels. Currently we are being kept water-tight with vaseline. I now know how [editor steps in with massive pair of snipping scissors].
In the meantime the Scudamore and his wonderful band of league schedulers slipped in a second round of fixtures midweek. Midweek games. Joy.
Anyway, as I was sayin...No I CAN'T go on..... EFFING BALSHAW!! You unredeemable arse. WHY, WHY!!!!. No, DON'T give a penalty away there! YOU'RE RIGHNT IN FRONT OF THE POSTS!!!! SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!!! Now Tindal's hurt as well! Kick it, Just KICK IT. NOW! Oh sweet Jesus WHY!!!!
[Next few sentences unreadable due to tear stains]
I'm okay now. I think. Back to the action in a game where England can probably still beat Wales. At home. Maybe.
It's been a tight few games in the race for the Champions League slots.
Villa and Blackburn drew 1-1, Liverpool lost 1-0 to West Ham. Everton drew with Spurs. Chelsea then decided to enter the mix sneaking past Reading 1-0 then drawing with Portsmouth.
Liverpool improved midweek - with a 3-0 win over Sunderland, but then West Ham went and embarrassed them by losing to a Kilbane goal at Wigan. So that means Liverpool are worse than Wigan then. Villa then fell a little behind the pack, losing 2-1 to Fulham - who it turns out do have a player who can score late winners, he's just been injured for the past year or so.
Blackburn and Everton then faced off in the race for fourth, drawing 0-0. Man City, meanwhile, seem to be determined to prove us right for thinking Sven was punching above his weigh with Ulrika, sorry, England. Throwing away their undefeated home record to Arsenal is one thing, but drawing with Derby?
As it stands there are six teams within six points of fourth place and the glamour that goes with being knocked out of the European Cup in the final qualifying round then making a half-arsed attempt at reaching the Fairs Cup semis. And West Ham aren't that far off joining the pack.
At the top of the table, Arsenal are proving remarkably durable, with six goals scored and one conceded from their games against Newcastle and City, while Man U are being dragged into contention through Ronaldo's attempt to lay the ghost of George Best to rest and write a new chapter in the history of the red 7 shirt. Ferguson is ignoring his heavy over reliance from goals coming from a winger, and decided that benefitting from an own-goal in the 94th minute after being played off the park by a rejuvenated Spurs was, in fact, down to the referee booking 7 of his players. The Gunners are now two points clear.
At the foot of the table - and a nice brass Griffin clawed-foot it is, with a little wheel attached - games were played. Reading lost 2-0 to Bolton, Sunderland won by the same scoreline at Birmingham. Derby and Birmingham drew one all (seeing Derby get two points from two, quite a result for them).
Wigan lost to Birmingham 1-0 to go with their 1-0 win over West Ham, while Bolton and Fulham both failed to score and got a point each for their ineptitude.
The remaining game saw the Geordie nation on the march again, after scoring their first goal under returning legend Kevin Keegan. Robert Huth then equalised for Boro.
Derby are still well out of it (nine points from 25 games does not survival make), while Boro, Bolton, Wigan, Sunderland, Reading, Birmingham and Fulham are all within two losses of the relegation zone or one win from leaving it. The race avoid the drop is tighter than ever with any two of those seven teams looking like they could spend next season visiting Barnsley, Burnley and Blackpool in the Championship.
That's all for now, I'm off to vaseline the roof.
The dishwasher’s on the blink again and the sunroof in the Kermit-coloured Rover 25 is now leaking. Unfortunately, since Rover went the way of domestic fixtures in the Premier League, the only way to get a new one is from the scrapheap. I now know how Harry Redknapp feels. Currently we are being kept water-tight with vaseline. I now know how [editor steps in with massive pair of snipping scissors].
In the meantime the Scudamore and his wonderful band of league schedulers slipped in a second round of fixtures midweek. Midweek games. Joy.
Anyway, as I was sayin...No I CAN'T go on..... EFFING BALSHAW!! You unredeemable arse. WHY, WHY!!!!. No, DON'T give a penalty away there! YOU'RE RIGHNT IN FRONT OF THE POSTS!!!! SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!!! Now Tindal's hurt as well! Kick it, Just KICK IT. NOW! Oh sweet Jesus WHY!!!!
[Next few sentences unreadable due to tear stains]
I'm okay now. I think. Back to the action in a game where England can probably still beat Wales. At home. Maybe.
It's been a tight few games in the race for the Champions League slots.
Villa and Blackburn drew 1-1, Liverpool lost 1-0 to West Ham. Everton drew with Spurs. Chelsea then decided to enter the mix sneaking past Reading 1-0 then drawing with Portsmouth.
Liverpool improved midweek - with a 3-0 win over Sunderland, but then West Ham went and embarrassed them by losing to a Kilbane goal at Wigan. So that means Liverpool are worse than Wigan then. Villa then fell a little behind the pack, losing 2-1 to Fulham - who it turns out do have a player who can score late winners, he's just been injured for the past year or so.
Blackburn and Everton then faced off in the race for fourth, drawing 0-0. Man City, meanwhile, seem to be determined to prove us right for thinking Sven was punching above his weigh with Ulrika, sorry, England. Throwing away their undefeated home record to Arsenal is one thing, but drawing with Derby?
As it stands there are six teams within six points of fourth place and the glamour that goes with being knocked out of the European Cup in the final qualifying round then making a half-arsed attempt at reaching the Fairs Cup semis. And West Ham aren't that far off joining the pack.
At the top of the table, Arsenal are proving remarkably durable, with six goals scored and one conceded from their games against Newcastle and City, while Man U are being dragged into contention through Ronaldo's attempt to lay the ghost of George Best to rest and write a new chapter in the history of the red 7 shirt. Ferguson is ignoring his heavy over reliance from goals coming from a winger, and decided that benefitting from an own-goal in the 94th minute after being played off the park by a rejuvenated Spurs was, in fact, down to the referee booking 7 of his players. The Gunners are now two points clear.
At the foot of the table - and a nice brass Griffin clawed-foot it is, with a little wheel attached - games were played. Reading lost 2-0 to Bolton, Sunderland won by the same scoreline at Birmingham. Derby and Birmingham drew one all (seeing Derby get two points from two, quite a result for them).
Wigan lost to Birmingham 1-0 to go with their 1-0 win over West Ham, while Bolton and Fulham both failed to score and got a point each for their ineptitude.
The remaining game saw the Geordie nation on the march again, after scoring their first goal under returning legend Kevin Keegan. Robert Huth then equalised for Boro.
Derby are still well out of it (nine points from 25 games does not survival make), while Boro, Bolton, Wigan, Sunderland, Reading, Birmingham and Fulham are all within two losses of the relegation zone or one win from leaving it. The race avoid the drop is tighter than ever with any two of those seven teams looking like they could spend next season visiting Barnsley, Burnley and Blackpool in the Championship.
That's all for now, I'm off to vaseline the roof.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Superbowl XLII - the Velvet Bear
In the end, it was a day for the weak to become heroes.
Well, perhaps not the weak, but certainly the underrated. Who would’ve thought that the course of NFL history would be turned by a rookie defensive lineman, an Englishman, the little brother and a wide receiver from so far down the depth chart he needed an aqualung?
Changed it was, though. No-one but a fool would accuse the Patriots of being overly complacent, but they certainly did pick the wrong week to hit a bad patch. The Giants took full advantage to pull off one of the biggest Superbowl shocks of all time with a 17-14 win.
From the outset it was clear what the Giants’ tactics would be: Play it safe, play it simple, keep the ball on the pitch and run down the clock. Their opening drive was a Superbowl record 18 plays and 11 minutes long. But when they only came away with a field goal, everyone thought that the other half of the game, the defensive battle, was easily going to go to the Pats.
At the end of the quarter, that view was reinforced. The Patriots had a 3rd and 10 from the Giants’ 17 yard line. Tom Brady tossed a speculative pass to Benjamin Watson in the end zone. Antonio Pierce, for some reason, chose to knock Watson aside instead of the ball. With the penalty being in the end zone, that put the ball on the Giants’ one yard line and, with the first play of the second quarter, Laurence Moroney steamed over the line.
There was no score in the rest of the second quarter. There was no score at all in the third. But a change was coming over the game. Never had the Patriots looked less like scoring. Brady was under more pressure than he had been all season, as the offensive line failed to hold up to the Giants’ defense. Left tackle Matt Light, so solid all season, was frightened out of his wits by London-born Osi Umenyiora, to the point where he was twice penalised for jumping offside in an effort to get to the marauding defensive end. Inside Umenyiora, rookie Justin Tuck was having the game of his life, finding holes where no-one had found them all season. With Michael Strahan and the rest of the Giants coming from the other side of the line, Brady never looked anything other than harassed.
Meanwhile, when he did have the ball in relative peace and quiet, he had no-one to throw to. Unlike other teams in this post-season, the Giants didn’t just look to shut down his long routes to Randy Moss and Donte’ Stallworth, they also looked to hammer his slot receivers, Wes Welker and Jabar Gaffney. At times it was as if he simply had nowhere to go.
Injuries certainly played a part in all of this. Brady himself, despite the claims to the contrary, was clearly still hampered by the ankle he had injured a fortnight previously. Kevin Faulk, who had been his go-to man in that AFC Championship game, injured a leg early in the second quarter and played little after then.
At the same time, the Giants were performing heroics when they did have the ball. Eli Manning was far from immaculate, but his offensive line played themselves into the ground to keep the famed Patriots rush defense away from him. Behind the line, fullback Madison Hedgecock had an immense game, acting as the sixth or seventh lineman. When he was out of the game, giant running back Brandon Jacobs took over the role. In all, they gave up only three sacks, one fewer than the Patriots.
The Giants had injury problems, too. Wideout Plaxico Burress had hardly practised all week, with a long standing ankle problem and a brand new knee one. The result was that he only made two catches, one of them on that opening drive. In his place, the rest of the receiving corps had to step up and did so. Whilst most plays saw Jacobs or Ahmad Bradshaw blasting up the middle of the pitch, when Manning had to throw, he had safe hands to look for. Rookie receiver Steve Smith, fit after missing 11 games to injury, ran the Patriots secondary ragged. Amani Toomer was, as usual, the safest hands on the park. Even Hedgecock had a rare reception.
Then we hit the fourth quarter. Manning took the Giants on another long drive downfield, starting with a 45 yard pass, his longest of the day, to tight end Kevin Boss. At the 5 yard line, he found the unheralded David Tyree for a touchdown. Tyree, who had slowly risen to fourth on the Giants’ depth chart, wandered into the end zone almost as un-noticed as the rest of his career had been.
There were still over 11 minutes to play. After a holding penalty, New England started from their own 11 yard line. For once, Brady managed to get some momentum going, only for the move to fizzle out. Then the Giants went nowhere on their next possession and Brady started again from the Pats’ 20. Over the next five minutes he drove them to the Giants’ six yard line, Welker on the way collecting a Superbowl record 11th pass. You can guess what happened next. From the shotgun, Brady flipped a short pass to Randy Moss for a touchdown and a 14-10 lead.
But the game was far from over. From the kickoff, Manning rushed the Giants downfield, burning all of their timeouts as he went. With just over a minute left, he stood on his own 44 yard line, third down and still five yards to go. The Patriots brought an almighty rush and in front of him the offensive line, for once, crumpled. Bodies drove towards him. Manning stepped calmly out of the front of the melee, shook off a hand grasping at his facemask and hurled the ball 32 yards. On the Patriots 24 yard line, Tyree leapt between two defenders, pinned the ball to his helmet with one hand before gathering it and falling backwards under the challenge of the Patriots’ Rodney Harrison. It was a remarkable play, probably one of the most remarkable seen in a Superbowl.
A timeout for the Giants and then more drama, as Manning was sacked by Adalius Thomas almost on the line of scrimmage. A failed pass to Tyree left 3rd and 11. This time it was Smith who rose to the challenge, making 12 yards to give the first down and at the same time get out of bounds to stop the clock. Then, with 39 seconds left, Manning lofted a looping, lazy throw over the head of cornerback Ellis Hobbs. Behind him, Burress took his other catch of the evening and the Giants were back in front.
It might not sound much, 39 seconds, but it is quite a long time when you’ve got three timeouts left. The Patriots were not done and dusted yet. But 14 seconds later they were, as yet another rookie, nose tackle Jay Alford, burst through the line to sack Brady for a ten yard loss. Two hopelessly speculative long passes in the direction of Moss later and it was all over.
Manning won the MVP award, like his brother the year before. In truth, it could easily have gone to any Giant I have mentioned. In fact, it should’ve gone to a man not even on the pitch, first year defensive co-ordinator Steve Spagnuolo, the man who finally worked out how to contain the Patriots.
Next weekend sees the season finale, the Pro Bowl out in sunny Hawaii. Last weekend also saw the appointments to the Hall of Fame for this year. The first is always something of a travesty. This year they both were. I’ll tell you why next week.
Well, perhaps not the weak, but certainly the underrated. Who would’ve thought that the course of NFL history would be turned by a rookie defensive lineman, an Englishman, the little brother and a wide receiver from so far down the depth chart he needed an aqualung?
Changed it was, though. No-one but a fool would accuse the Patriots of being overly complacent, but they certainly did pick the wrong week to hit a bad patch. The Giants took full advantage to pull off one of the biggest Superbowl shocks of all time with a 17-14 win.
From the outset it was clear what the Giants’ tactics would be: Play it safe, play it simple, keep the ball on the pitch and run down the clock. Their opening drive was a Superbowl record 18 plays and 11 minutes long. But when they only came away with a field goal, everyone thought that the other half of the game, the defensive battle, was easily going to go to the Pats.
At the end of the quarter, that view was reinforced. The Patriots had a 3rd and 10 from the Giants’ 17 yard line. Tom Brady tossed a speculative pass to Benjamin Watson in the end zone. Antonio Pierce, for some reason, chose to knock Watson aside instead of the ball. With the penalty being in the end zone, that put the ball on the Giants’ one yard line and, with the first play of the second quarter, Laurence Moroney steamed over the line.
There was no score in the rest of the second quarter. There was no score at all in the third. But a change was coming over the game. Never had the Patriots looked less like scoring. Brady was under more pressure than he had been all season, as the offensive line failed to hold up to the Giants’ defense. Left tackle Matt Light, so solid all season, was frightened out of his wits by London-born Osi Umenyiora, to the point where he was twice penalised for jumping offside in an effort to get to the marauding defensive end. Inside Umenyiora, rookie Justin Tuck was having the game of his life, finding holes where no-one had found them all season. With Michael Strahan and the rest of the Giants coming from the other side of the line, Brady never looked anything other than harassed.
Meanwhile, when he did have the ball in relative peace and quiet, he had no-one to throw to. Unlike other teams in this post-season, the Giants didn’t just look to shut down his long routes to Randy Moss and Donte’ Stallworth, they also looked to hammer his slot receivers, Wes Welker and Jabar Gaffney. At times it was as if he simply had nowhere to go.
Injuries certainly played a part in all of this. Brady himself, despite the claims to the contrary, was clearly still hampered by the ankle he had injured a fortnight previously. Kevin Faulk, who had been his go-to man in that AFC Championship game, injured a leg early in the second quarter and played little after then.
At the same time, the Giants were performing heroics when they did have the ball. Eli Manning was far from immaculate, but his offensive line played themselves into the ground to keep the famed Patriots rush defense away from him. Behind the line, fullback Madison Hedgecock had an immense game, acting as the sixth or seventh lineman. When he was out of the game, giant running back Brandon Jacobs took over the role. In all, they gave up only three sacks, one fewer than the Patriots.
The Giants had injury problems, too. Wideout Plaxico Burress had hardly practised all week, with a long standing ankle problem and a brand new knee one. The result was that he only made two catches, one of them on that opening drive. In his place, the rest of the receiving corps had to step up and did so. Whilst most plays saw Jacobs or Ahmad Bradshaw blasting up the middle of the pitch, when Manning had to throw, he had safe hands to look for. Rookie receiver Steve Smith, fit after missing 11 games to injury, ran the Patriots secondary ragged. Amani Toomer was, as usual, the safest hands on the park. Even Hedgecock had a rare reception.
Then we hit the fourth quarter. Manning took the Giants on another long drive downfield, starting with a 45 yard pass, his longest of the day, to tight end Kevin Boss. At the 5 yard line, he found the unheralded David Tyree for a touchdown. Tyree, who had slowly risen to fourth on the Giants’ depth chart, wandered into the end zone almost as un-noticed as the rest of his career had been.
There were still over 11 minutes to play. After a holding penalty, New England started from their own 11 yard line. For once, Brady managed to get some momentum going, only for the move to fizzle out. Then the Giants went nowhere on their next possession and Brady started again from the Pats’ 20. Over the next five minutes he drove them to the Giants’ six yard line, Welker on the way collecting a Superbowl record 11th pass. You can guess what happened next. From the shotgun, Brady flipped a short pass to Randy Moss for a touchdown and a 14-10 lead.
But the game was far from over. From the kickoff, Manning rushed the Giants downfield, burning all of their timeouts as he went. With just over a minute left, he stood on his own 44 yard line, third down and still five yards to go. The Patriots brought an almighty rush and in front of him the offensive line, for once, crumpled. Bodies drove towards him. Manning stepped calmly out of the front of the melee, shook off a hand grasping at his facemask and hurled the ball 32 yards. On the Patriots 24 yard line, Tyree leapt between two defenders, pinned the ball to his helmet with one hand before gathering it and falling backwards under the challenge of the Patriots’ Rodney Harrison. It was a remarkable play, probably one of the most remarkable seen in a Superbowl.
A timeout for the Giants and then more drama, as Manning was sacked by Adalius Thomas almost on the line of scrimmage. A failed pass to Tyree left 3rd and 11. This time it was Smith who rose to the challenge, making 12 yards to give the first down and at the same time get out of bounds to stop the clock. Then, with 39 seconds left, Manning lofted a looping, lazy throw over the head of cornerback Ellis Hobbs. Behind him, Burress took his other catch of the evening and the Giants were back in front.
It might not sound much, 39 seconds, but it is quite a long time when you’ve got three timeouts left. The Patriots were not done and dusted yet. But 14 seconds later they were, as yet another rookie, nose tackle Jay Alford, burst through the line to sack Brady for a ten yard loss. Two hopelessly speculative long passes in the direction of Moss later and it was all over.
Manning won the MVP award, like his brother the year before. In truth, it could easily have gone to any Giant I have mentioned. In fact, it should’ve gone to a man not even on the pitch, first year defensive co-ordinator Steve Spagnuolo, the man who finally worked out how to contain the Patriots.
Next weekend sees the season finale, the Pro Bowl out in sunny Hawaii. Last weekend also saw the appointments to the Hall of Fame for this year. The first is always something of a travesty. This year they both were. I’ll tell you why next week.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Superbowl head-to-head – The Velvet Bear
Interesting question, isn’t it? On the one hand, you have the New England Patriots, unbeaten all season, going for their fourth Superbowl win in 7 years. On the other, you have the New York Giants, massive underdogs, but on a huge roll, having won three playoff games no-one (myself included) thought they would get close to winning. It should be a walkover. But will it? Let me do something that they never do in the US media, but which happens all the time in the UK, and compare the two teams like for like:
QUARTERBACKS
Unless you’ve been living in a hole for the past few months, you’ll know what a stellar season Tom Brady has had. You’ll also know that, in the past few weeks, Eli Manning has gone from being everyone’s second favourite figure of fun (sorry, Rex Grossman, you won that title again this year) to everyone’s favourite underdog.
Before this season, the question on everyone’s lips was “How good will Brady be now that he has some decent receivers to throw the ball to?”. Unfortunately, the receivers have turned out to be so good, no-one knows if it is them making Brady look great or the other way around. Moreover, Brady has had a decidedly shaky playoff campaign, throwing needless interceptions in the last two games and generally looking more harassed than he has all season. Oh, and he’s spend most of the past 10 days with his leg in a protective cast, having picked up a high ankle sprain in the AFC Championship game against the Chargers.
Manning, on the other hand, has barely put a foot wrong. The pressure of the playoff games seems hardly to have affected him (and, whatever you say, it got to Big Brother Peyton last year. Big time.) and the Giants have turned the ball over only once. He’s also held the side steady through the narrow overtime win against the Packers. It does seem that the more the spotlight falls on him, the more he feels able to be himself.
The clinching factor could be that Brady has been here before, three times. But he hasn’t since 2005. And whilst Manning has never played in a Superbowl, he did have the advantage of playing in the game in London in October, with all the attention that generated (if you don’t believe how much that meant, listen to the excited squawks coming out of New Orleans and San Diego, both of whom are supposed to be coming this year). I don’t see this being the walkover for Brady that everyone thinks it is.
Verdict: TIE
WIDE RECEIVERS
We already mentioned the Patriots receiving corps. Randy Moss, Donte Stallworth, Wes Welker and Jabar Gaffney. Hell, even Grossman would look good throwing to these guys. Moss broke the record for number of receiving touchdowns in a season, Welker was, for me, the player of the season, Stallworth gives you extreme pace and if you can stop those three they’ll bring in Gaffney, too.
Against this, the Giants have Plaxico Burress, Amani Toomer, Steve Smith and their own Moss, Sinorice. Burress has played all season with a dodgy ankle and at times has hardly practised, but you can bet he’ll be working his socks off down in Arizona this week. He will cause huge problems for the Patriots, because at 6’5” he just towers above most defensive backs. It the ball is thrown anywhere near him, he’ll catch it. The same is true of Toomer, who has the safest hands in the NFL bar none. What they don’t have is the pace of the Patriots receivers, nor do they have the strength in depth – Smith is a rookie with much to learn, Sinorice Moss isn’t a rookie and doesn’t seem to have learned very much anyway.
Verdict: PATRIOTS
RUNNING BACKS/TIGHT ENDS
The running back equation is almost too tight to call. The Patriots have Laurence Moroney and Kevin Faulk, the Giants Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw. Both teams will be looking to run with the ball a lot – the Giants to try and take some pressure off of Manning, who will be targeted by the Patriots defensive line, the Patriots because the Giants will be covering all the deep position, trying to keep tracks of the four receivers. That said, the Patriots would love to have a monster like the 6’4”, 264 pound Jacobs to run at an opponent instead of Moroney, who is efficient but nothing more. The real challenge is how the sides cope with the third down specialists, Faulk and Bradshaw. Faulk is a long time veteran who saves his best for the big games. He can catch, too, as anyone who saw his stunning dive catch against the Colts will testify. Bradshaw is 5’9” in every direction and very hard to tackle when he gets going.
Where the Patriots edge it is in the tight ends. Ben Watson and Kyle Brady can catch, run, do everything but throw. The Giants lost Jeremy Shockey, one of their star men, with a broken leg in early December and can only field the rookie Kevin Boss. Boss had an outstanding game against the Patriots in the last week of the regular season, catching two touchdown passes, but he’s lost that element of surprise now.
Verdict: PATRIOTS
OFFENSIVE AND DEFENSIVE LINES
The Patriots have two of the best offensive linemen around in Logan Mankins and Matt Light. Against them, two of the best defensive lineman, Michael Strahan and London’s own Osi Umeniyora. This is going to be one hell of a clash. Three of the four have been selected to the Pro Bowl the following week, so you really do have the makings of a classic battle. I’m going to pick the Giants to win this one, as Strahan (the one not going to Hawaii) plays on the opposite side of the line to the other three and should make mincemeat of his opponents, Nick Kazcur and Steve Neal.
On the other hand, the Giants’ offensive line will have serious problems protecting Manning. Not only do they face the Patriots’ legendary Richard Seymour, they are also up against the man who is officially the NFL’s dirtiest player, Vince Wilfork. He picked up his fourth fine of the season for foul play only this week, and in fact has two fines in the last three weeks. The Giants’ line has played better than they could ever have hoped for, but I think they are going to struggle.
Verdict: TIE
SECONDARY
The Giants’ secondary are going to spend their game running backwards, trying to cover the Patriots’ receivers. Whilst the likes of Antonio Peirce, Sam Madison and Kawika Mitchell are notorious harassers of quarterbacks, they are going to be needed to drop back and help further down the pitch, rather than joining in the fun up front with Strahan and Umeniyora. Whilst cornerback RW McQuarters will be hoping to add to his three playoff interceptions, if he is on the pitch at all it will indicate that the Giants either are under serious pressure, or that they’ve lost another starting back to injury.
By contrast, the Patriots have Adalius Thomas, Tedy Bruschi, Mike Vrabel, Rodney Harrison and Asante Samuel, all of whom have had fairly easy rides for the last month and all of whom will be champing at the bit to get into the Giants’ offense. Their big worry is that they will be badly burned by Burress. I suspect that they will be told to put that out of their minds, secure in the knowledge that they have the beating of the Giants’ front five and that, if they don’t, they have other, more deadly receivers of their own.
Verdict: PATRIOTS
SPECIAL TEAMS
There’s little to choose between the two sides on the kicking and punting side of the game. Neither side has terrifically good returners of a football. Jeff Feeley, the Giants’ punter, has finally made a Superbowl after 20 years in the game. His opposite number, Chris Hanson, is officially the most underworked man in the NFL, having had less time on the pitch than any other starter this season. He’ll be hoping not to do much on Sunday, either.
The worst thing for the game would be overtime, because neither team has a top quality kicker. Stephen Gostkowski of the Patriots has had a good post-season, but can be nervy and unreliable. Lawrence Tynes is aiming to be only the second British-born Superbowl winner and showed with that last kick against the Packers that he has some nerve. The last thing the game needs is 15 minutes of these two missing goals in front of a primetime audience. If it comes down to it, I back Tynes.
Verdict: GIANTS
There you have it. If it is a kicking game, I expect the Giants to win. Anything else, though, and the Patriots will win by a clear 14 points.
QUARTERBACKS
Unless you’ve been living in a hole for the past few months, you’ll know what a stellar season Tom Brady has had. You’ll also know that, in the past few weeks, Eli Manning has gone from being everyone’s second favourite figure of fun (sorry, Rex Grossman, you won that title again this year) to everyone’s favourite underdog.
Before this season, the question on everyone’s lips was “How good will Brady be now that he has some decent receivers to throw the ball to?”. Unfortunately, the receivers have turned out to be so good, no-one knows if it is them making Brady look great or the other way around. Moreover, Brady has had a decidedly shaky playoff campaign, throwing needless interceptions in the last two games and generally looking more harassed than he has all season. Oh, and he’s spend most of the past 10 days with his leg in a protective cast, having picked up a high ankle sprain in the AFC Championship game against the Chargers.
Manning, on the other hand, has barely put a foot wrong. The pressure of the playoff games seems hardly to have affected him (and, whatever you say, it got to Big Brother Peyton last year. Big time.) and the Giants have turned the ball over only once. He’s also held the side steady through the narrow overtime win against the Packers. It does seem that the more the spotlight falls on him, the more he feels able to be himself.
The clinching factor could be that Brady has been here before, three times. But he hasn’t since 2005. And whilst Manning has never played in a Superbowl, he did have the advantage of playing in the game in London in October, with all the attention that generated (if you don’t believe how much that meant, listen to the excited squawks coming out of New Orleans and San Diego, both of whom are supposed to be coming this year). I don’t see this being the walkover for Brady that everyone thinks it is.
Verdict: TIE
WIDE RECEIVERS
We already mentioned the Patriots receiving corps. Randy Moss, Donte Stallworth, Wes Welker and Jabar Gaffney. Hell, even Grossman would look good throwing to these guys. Moss broke the record for number of receiving touchdowns in a season, Welker was, for me, the player of the season, Stallworth gives you extreme pace and if you can stop those three they’ll bring in Gaffney, too.
Against this, the Giants have Plaxico Burress, Amani Toomer, Steve Smith and their own Moss, Sinorice. Burress has played all season with a dodgy ankle and at times has hardly practised, but you can bet he’ll be working his socks off down in Arizona this week. He will cause huge problems for the Patriots, because at 6’5” he just towers above most defensive backs. It the ball is thrown anywhere near him, he’ll catch it. The same is true of Toomer, who has the safest hands in the NFL bar none. What they don’t have is the pace of the Patriots receivers, nor do they have the strength in depth – Smith is a rookie with much to learn, Sinorice Moss isn’t a rookie and doesn’t seem to have learned very much anyway.
Verdict: PATRIOTS
RUNNING BACKS/TIGHT ENDS
The running back equation is almost too tight to call. The Patriots have Laurence Moroney and Kevin Faulk, the Giants Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw. Both teams will be looking to run with the ball a lot – the Giants to try and take some pressure off of Manning, who will be targeted by the Patriots defensive line, the Patriots because the Giants will be covering all the deep position, trying to keep tracks of the four receivers. That said, the Patriots would love to have a monster like the 6’4”, 264 pound Jacobs to run at an opponent instead of Moroney, who is efficient but nothing more. The real challenge is how the sides cope with the third down specialists, Faulk and Bradshaw. Faulk is a long time veteran who saves his best for the big games. He can catch, too, as anyone who saw his stunning dive catch against the Colts will testify. Bradshaw is 5’9” in every direction and very hard to tackle when he gets going.
Where the Patriots edge it is in the tight ends. Ben Watson and Kyle Brady can catch, run, do everything but throw. The Giants lost Jeremy Shockey, one of their star men, with a broken leg in early December and can only field the rookie Kevin Boss. Boss had an outstanding game against the Patriots in the last week of the regular season, catching two touchdown passes, but he’s lost that element of surprise now.
Verdict: PATRIOTS
OFFENSIVE AND DEFENSIVE LINES
The Patriots have two of the best offensive linemen around in Logan Mankins and Matt Light. Against them, two of the best defensive lineman, Michael Strahan and London’s own Osi Umeniyora. This is going to be one hell of a clash. Three of the four have been selected to the Pro Bowl the following week, so you really do have the makings of a classic battle. I’m going to pick the Giants to win this one, as Strahan (the one not going to Hawaii) plays on the opposite side of the line to the other three and should make mincemeat of his opponents, Nick Kazcur and Steve Neal.
On the other hand, the Giants’ offensive line will have serious problems protecting Manning. Not only do they face the Patriots’ legendary Richard Seymour, they are also up against the man who is officially the NFL’s dirtiest player, Vince Wilfork. He picked up his fourth fine of the season for foul play only this week, and in fact has two fines in the last three weeks. The Giants’ line has played better than they could ever have hoped for, but I think they are going to struggle.
Verdict: TIE
SECONDARY
The Giants’ secondary are going to spend their game running backwards, trying to cover the Patriots’ receivers. Whilst the likes of Antonio Peirce, Sam Madison and Kawika Mitchell are notorious harassers of quarterbacks, they are going to be needed to drop back and help further down the pitch, rather than joining in the fun up front with Strahan and Umeniyora. Whilst cornerback RW McQuarters will be hoping to add to his three playoff interceptions, if he is on the pitch at all it will indicate that the Giants either are under serious pressure, or that they’ve lost another starting back to injury.
By contrast, the Patriots have Adalius Thomas, Tedy Bruschi, Mike Vrabel, Rodney Harrison and Asante Samuel, all of whom have had fairly easy rides for the last month and all of whom will be champing at the bit to get into the Giants’ offense. Their big worry is that they will be badly burned by Burress. I suspect that they will be told to put that out of their minds, secure in the knowledge that they have the beating of the Giants’ front five and that, if they don’t, they have other, more deadly receivers of their own.
Verdict: PATRIOTS
SPECIAL TEAMS
There’s little to choose between the two sides on the kicking and punting side of the game. Neither side has terrifically good returners of a football. Jeff Feeley, the Giants’ punter, has finally made a Superbowl after 20 years in the game. His opposite number, Chris Hanson, is officially the most underworked man in the NFL, having had less time on the pitch than any other starter this season. He’ll be hoping not to do much on Sunday, either.
The worst thing for the game would be overtime, because neither team has a top quality kicker. Stephen Gostkowski of the Patriots has had a good post-season, but can be nervy and unreliable. Lawrence Tynes is aiming to be only the second British-born Superbowl winner and showed with that last kick against the Packers that he has some nerve. The last thing the game needs is 15 minutes of these two missing goals in front of a primetime audience. If it comes down to it, I back Tynes.
Verdict: GIANTS
There you have it. If it is a kicking game, I expect the Giants to win. Anything else, though, and the Patriots will win by a clear 14 points.
Friday, January 25, 2008
One perfect night – Margin
For football fans the inevitable pain and suffering visited on us by our teams is made bearable by the prospect of a perfect moment. This is the story of one such match.
Standing on the cracked concrete of the back yard, Spurs fans sang with their heads held high, getting wet by the rain as they drank their beers. Inside we got wet by the beers we spilt as we jumped arm in arm, singing and chanting and enjoying the night.
That was the Bell and Hare - an hour before kick off.
I’d ridden up on the rush hour train after work, and no commuter could have been left in doubt that Spurs were on the move. I don’t know what those heading to Bishop’s Stortford made of the constant chants of ‘Yid Army’ throughout the carriage. Nor do I care.
When the time came, those heading home squirmed to make space for the alighting supporters who could now be joined in their chorus by comrades from other carriages.
‘We are Tottenham – Super Tottenham – We are Tottenham – From the Lane’ announced the blatantly obvious as we, in Spurs shirts, hats, coats, gloves and scarves, surged down White Hart Lane station’s metal stairway onto White Hart Lane.
Cars slowed to a crawl as the marching crowd took to the roads, and programme quickly in hand I slipped into the familiar yellow glow of City Kebabs. At a table with fellow fans - there were no strangers tonight - I gorged on the best doner in town, washed it down with a beer, and made haste to the pub.
The Bricklayer’s was heaving. So too the Coach and Horses. The Corner Pin, its windows permanently boarded up, was audibly full. But the Bell and Hare was groaning under the weight of revelry.
The manic sweaty throng was united in its expectation. No talk of tactics. No fretting at results. No pondering likely line ups. Just singing, dancing, jumping, shouting, drinking and glory for one and all.
A few brandies and a Guinness necked, the pub emptied. The whole crowd as one had passed into the High Road which was ablaze with bright jackets of a wary police force, and ringing to the sound from seemingly miles around, “Spuuuuurs are on their way to Wemb-ley.”
Passing by the away fans entering their corner of the Park Lane, one large drunk behind me shouted “You’re going out you c*nts!” No more need be said.
Twenty minutes to go and the ground was almost full. The atmosphere had started to build and when the players marched on the announcer could barely be heard.
Kick off triggered a giant roar lasting so long that when Jenas sauntered into the box for the early opener we had no higher volume with which to mark it.
“Hark now hear - the Tottenham sing – the Arsenal run away.”
Soon after Denilson went down, seemingly injured by walking about. The signal came from the bench and he got back up again. Then after fifteen minutes another signal was offered. This time he stayed down to cover his manager’s embarrassment at changing the team in an act of early panic.
“Now we know you’re wooorrieeeed.”
The second goal went in and all heaven broke loose. People toppled over plastic chairs. Men hugged each other like long lost brothers. Children were hoisted high into the air. There was more jumping, more shouting, and a delight that no one knew how best to express.
“Ramos – Give us a wave – Ramos, Ramos, Give us a wave.”
Berbatov hit the post. Spurs dominated but couldn’t score. Fabregas gave the ball away cheaply time and time again. And then the interval.
Fans shook hands, grinned knowingly, and universally expressed the view that we were finally going to do it.
Keane opened the second half with our third and the contest was all over. We cheered again, we hugged again, and we marvelled at just how many we might score.
“Aaaalll I want is a team of Robbie Keanes – Team of Robbie Keanes – Team of Robbie Keanes.”
Now there was nothing left to do but celebrate. When Lennon scored we cheered again and revelled in the humiliation of our rivals. But by then the ground was already singing in full voice about the win.
“Que Sera Sera – Whatever will be will be – We’re going to Wem-ber-ley – Que Sera Sera!”
And to top it off, at that point, our wonderful Spanish manager took off Berbatov, Keane, and soon after Lennon. He was resting them for the big game at the weekend. No goal count, no chant, no other gesture, and no score line could have better insulted our opponents than that. Although by then many of their fans had gone home.
“Weee can see you – weeee can see you – weeee can see you sneaking out”
The rest of the match barely mattered. Arsenal players started fighting each other. Adebeyor scored what was barely a consolation goal. And Malbranque concluded matters with a last second fifth.
And during all of that time the Spurs fans combined in a universal spine tingling slow rendition of “Ohhhhhh Wheeeeen theeeee Spurrrrrrss – Goooo Maaaaarrrcchiiiing iiiiiiin - Ohhh Wheeen theee Spurrrss Go Maaar-chhiing iiiin – Iiiii Waaannaaa Beeeeeeeee Iiiin thaaaat Numbeeerrr – Oh When the Spuuuurrrs Goooo Maaaaaar-chiiiing iiiin.”
Standing on the cracked concrete of the back yard, Spurs fans sang with their heads held high, getting wet by the rain as they drank their beers. Inside we got wet by the beers we spilt as we jumped arm in arm, singing and chanting and enjoying the night.
That was the Bell and Hare - an hour before kick off.
I’d ridden up on the rush hour train after work, and no commuter could have been left in doubt that Spurs were on the move. I don’t know what those heading to Bishop’s Stortford made of the constant chants of ‘Yid Army’ throughout the carriage. Nor do I care.
When the time came, those heading home squirmed to make space for the alighting supporters who could now be joined in their chorus by comrades from other carriages.
‘We are Tottenham – Super Tottenham – We are Tottenham – From the Lane’ announced the blatantly obvious as we, in Spurs shirts, hats, coats, gloves and scarves, surged down White Hart Lane station’s metal stairway onto White Hart Lane.
Cars slowed to a crawl as the marching crowd took to the roads, and programme quickly in hand I slipped into the familiar yellow glow of City Kebabs. At a table with fellow fans - there were no strangers tonight - I gorged on the best doner in town, washed it down with a beer, and made haste to the pub.
The Bricklayer’s was heaving. So too the Coach and Horses. The Corner Pin, its windows permanently boarded up, was audibly full. But the Bell and Hare was groaning under the weight of revelry.
The manic sweaty throng was united in its expectation. No talk of tactics. No fretting at results. No pondering likely line ups. Just singing, dancing, jumping, shouting, drinking and glory for one and all.
A few brandies and a Guinness necked, the pub emptied. The whole crowd as one had passed into the High Road which was ablaze with bright jackets of a wary police force, and ringing to the sound from seemingly miles around, “Spuuuuurs are on their way to Wemb-ley.”
Passing by the away fans entering their corner of the Park Lane, one large drunk behind me shouted “You’re going out you c*nts!” No more need be said.
Twenty minutes to go and the ground was almost full. The atmosphere had started to build and when the players marched on the announcer could barely be heard.
Kick off triggered a giant roar lasting so long that when Jenas sauntered into the box for the early opener we had no higher volume with which to mark it.
“Hark now hear - the Tottenham sing – the Arsenal run away.”
Soon after Denilson went down, seemingly injured by walking about. The signal came from the bench and he got back up again. Then after fifteen minutes another signal was offered. This time he stayed down to cover his manager’s embarrassment at changing the team in an act of early panic.
“Now we know you’re wooorrieeeed.”
The second goal went in and all heaven broke loose. People toppled over plastic chairs. Men hugged each other like long lost brothers. Children were hoisted high into the air. There was more jumping, more shouting, and a delight that no one knew how best to express.
“Ramos – Give us a wave – Ramos, Ramos, Give us a wave.”
Berbatov hit the post. Spurs dominated but couldn’t score. Fabregas gave the ball away cheaply time and time again. And then the interval.
Fans shook hands, grinned knowingly, and universally expressed the view that we were finally going to do it.
Keane opened the second half with our third and the contest was all over. We cheered again, we hugged again, and we marvelled at just how many we might score.
“Aaaalll I want is a team of Robbie Keanes – Team of Robbie Keanes – Team of Robbie Keanes.”
Now there was nothing left to do but celebrate. When Lennon scored we cheered again and revelled in the humiliation of our rivals. But by then the ground was already singing in full voice about the win.
“Que Sera Sera – Whatever will be will be – We’re going to Wem-ber-ley – Que Sera Sera!”
And to top it off, at that point, our wonderful Spanish manager took off Berbatov, Keane, and soon after Lennon. He was resting them for the big game at the weekend. No goal count, no chant, no other gesture, and no score line could have better insulted our opponents than that. Although by then many of their fans had gone home.
“Weee can see you – weeee can see you – weeee can see you sneaking out”
The rest of the match barely mattered. Arsenal players started fighting each other. Adebeyor scored what was barely a consolation goal. And Malbranque concluded matters with a last second fifth.
And during all of that time the Spurs fans combined in a universal spine tingling slow rendition of “Ohhhhhh Wheeeeen theeeee Spurrrrrrss – Goooo Maaaaarrrcchiiiing iiiiiiin - Ohhh Wheeen theee Spurrrss Go Maaar-chhiing iiiin – Iiiii Waaannaaa Beeeeeeeee Iiiin thaaaat Numbeeerrr – Oh When the Spuuuurrrs Goooo Maaaaaar-chiiiing iiiin.”
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Long live King Kev - PremCorrespondent
Visiting St James’ Park is a bit like a trip to theatre-land down south. Or so says Kevin Keegan, referring presumably to the quiet spectators, over priced tickets, and acting on display.
Were it not for the third coming, Newcastle v Bolton was surely the least interesting game of the season. It was dull throughout, the football was turgid, and the ending was inconsequential.
Bolton have dragged their form out of the doldrums and Newcastle probably can’t fall as far as 17th. So good luck to the great hairy one. Lets hope he returns some vague interest to this amateur dramatic production of ‘A Ferret Ate My Hat’.
Staying with entertainment and funny wigs, Coco-the-Bramble managed the best ‘slip on a banana while wearing silly boots’ moment of the weekend.
The comedy signing for soon-to-be relegated Wigan attempted a pass back under very little pressure, fumbled it into the path of Andy Johnson, and by the time the fans stopped laughing Liverpool’s big four club had secured the three points.
Liverpool’s second team meanwhile, waited two days before failing to make up ground on their more illustrious rivals.
Amid fan protests at the owners for not buying them the title, and fears that Mascherano will leave because he’s not valued at £17million, only a late gem by Peter Crouch denied Villa a well deserved three points.
That’s Aston Villa by the way, who along with impressive form, a talented bunch of young English players, and a nerdy looking manager, are supported from afar by Tom Hanks - because they have a silly sounding name.
Further up the table the title challenge took an unspectacular lack of twists.
Arsenal comfortably beat relegated Fulham three nil, suggesting that the African Cup of Nations can rob you of key players with little ill effect if you only have to play rubbish sides.
Chelsea slightly less comfortably beat lowly Birmingham City by a goal to nil, showing that the African Cup of Nations can rob you of key players with little ill effect if you only have to play rubbish sides.
And Manchester United uncomfortably beat an energetic Reading by two goals to nil, showing that the African Cup of Nations can’t rob you of Portuguese wingers.
In other games no one much worried about…
Pompey strolled to a 3-1 win over Derby County, who might as well not have come up this season, thanks to a Benjani hat trick.
Blackburn had the ineptitude of the Boro front line to thank for their one-all draw. Had the North East side had a striker better than last night’s Chicken korma then this would have been a rout.
And Manchester City scored a dodgy sixteenth minute equalizer against West Ham to effectively end the contest at Eastlands with over seventy minutes to go.
So as the final curtain comes down, take a bow Robbie Keane. In an age when any old mercenary can hop between clubs like Wolves, Leeds, Coventry and Inter, it takes praiseworthy loyalty to stay in one place long enough to score 100 goals for your side.
His goal in a two-nil win against Sunderland made him Spurs’ fifteenth century scorer. And I can’t help but wonder as I raise my can of wife beater to him, how Spurs get so lucky that the top clubs decide time and again that they don’t want what has become a near goal-a-game Irishman.
Were it not for the third coming, Newcastle v Bolton was surely the least interesting game of the season. It was dull throughout, the football was turgid, and the ending was inconsequential.
Bolton have dragged their form out of the doldrums and Newcastle probably can’t fall as far as 17th. So good luck to the great hairy one. Lets hope he returns some vague interest to this amateur dramatic production of ‘A Ferret Ate My Hat’.
Staying with entertainment and funny wigs, Coco-the-Bramble managed the best ‘slip on a banana while wearing silly boots’ moment of the weekend.
The comedy signing for soon-to-be relegated Wigan attempted a pass back under very little pressure, fumbled it into the path of Andy Johnson, and by the time the fans stopped laughing Liverpool’s big four club had secured the three points.
Liverpool’s second team meanwhile, waited two days before failing to make up ground on their more illustrious rivals.
Amid fan protests at the owners for not buying them the title, and fears that Mascherano will leave because he’s not valued at £17million, only a late gem by Peter Crouch denied Villa a well deserved three points.
That’s Aston Villa by the way, who along with impressive form, a talented bunch of young English players, and a nerdy looking manager, are supported from afar by Tom Hanks - because they have a silly sounding name.
Further up the table the title challenge took an unspectacular lack of twists.
Arsenal comfortably beat relegated Fulham three nil, suggesting that the African Cup of Nations can rob you of key players with little ill effect if you only have to play rubbish sides.
Chelsea slightly less comfortably beat lowly Birmingham City by a goal to nil, showing that the African Cup of Nations can rob you of key players with little ill effect if you only have to play rubbish sides.
And Manchester United uncomfortably beat an energetic Reading by two goals to nil, showing that the African Cup of Nations can’t rob you of Portuguese wingers.
In other games no one much worried about…
Pompey strolled to a 3-1 win over Derby County, who might as well not have come up this season, thanks to a Benjani hat trick.
Blackburn had the ineptitude of the Boro front line to thank for their one-all draw. Had the North East side had a striker better than last night’s Chicken korma then this would have been a rout.
And Manchester City scored a dodgy sixteenth minute equalizer against West Ham to effectively end the contest at Eastlands with over seventy minutes to go.
So as the final curtain comes down, take a bow Robbie Keane. In an age when any old mercenary can hop between clubs like Wolves, Leeds, Coventry and Inter, it takes praiseworthy loyalty to stay in one place long enough to score 100 goals for your side.
His goal in a two-nil win against Sunderland made him Spurs’ fifteenth century scorer. And I can’t help but wonder as I raise my can of wife beater to him, how Spurs get so lucky that the top clubs decide time and again that they don’t want what has become a near goal-a-game Irishman.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
NFL Divisional Championship Games - the Velvet Bear
That’s that settled, then. The 2008 Superbowl will be between (to no-one’s surprise) the New England Patriots and (to everyone’s surprise) the New York Giants.
In truth, both Divisional Championship games were grim affairs, played out by four teams who were not only wary of taking any chances whatsoever, but who were also being frozen to the marrow. The game between the Patriots and the San Diego Chargers was played in a temperature of 9 degrees. Fahrenheit. That’s -13 Centigrade. And that was the warm game! Later, in Green Bay, the Giants and the Packers endured the third coldest NFL game ever, playing in -1F (-18C).
The first game - the AFC Championship - was decided more by the defenses than the much vaunted offenses. On the Chargers’ side of the ball, this was not much of a surprise, as QB Philip Rivers needed arthroscopic surgery on his injured knee to play at all, tight end Antonio Gates was still playing with a dislocated toe and running back LaDanian Tomlinson managed exactly three plays before going off injured again. This meant that, on the three occasions that they managed to get inside the Patriots 20 yard line, they only managed three field goals. By comparison, on the four visits that the Patriots made to the other end of the pitch, they came away with three touchdowns.
It tells you something about the game that the biggest news was that Tom Brady threw three interceptions, including one intended touchdown pass, the first time he’s been picked off in the end zone since 2005.
A fairly easy 21-12 win for the Patriots, marred only by allegations of foul play against defensive end Richard Seymour, although most rugby players would be surprised that being accused of ‘stomping on feet, slapping heads and elbowing people in the back’ was worthy of comment at all. (And why would you slap the head of someone wearing a helmet anyway?)
The game in Green Bay was so dull that it is hardly worth devoting any time to at all. Two very evenly matched sides slugged it out for the full 60 minutes to finish 20-20 at full time. It shouldn’t have been like that, as the Giants’ Scottish kicker Lawrence Tynes managed to miss two very kickable field goals which would’ve won the match for them in normal time, including one with the last play of the fourth quarter.
The drama all came during overtime, the fifteen minute period of extra time where the first score wins. Green Bay started out with the ball, but Brett Favre threw an interception. The Giants failed to obtain a first down and were left with the choice of punting the ball away, or attempting a 47 yard field goal. A lot of people are talking about how brave Giants coach Tom Coughlin was to take the latter option, especially considering Tynes’ earlier misses. In fact, a 47 yard field goal means that the ball starts on the opposition’s 32 yard line, as the kick is normally from a point 15 yards behind the point where the ball is ‘spotted’ at the end of the previous play. It is almost impossible to punt from so close to the goalline, so the options were to try again for a first down and risk handing the ball over on the 32 if you fail, or try for a field goal and risk handing the ball over on the 32 if you fail. In first-score-wins overtime, what are you going to do? Tynes nailed the kick and the Giants won 23-20.
So little Eli Manning gets to go to the Superbowl, just one year after his big brother finally got there. Moreover, he goes with a better record than Peyton did - Manning Snr being the first player to go to a Superbowl having thrown more interceptions than touchdowns. Who will win? Come back next week and I’ll tell you.
Meanwhile:
- Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy has confirmed that he is, after all, going to stay with the team for one more season;
- Buffalo Bills’ player Antony Hargrove will be taking next year, off, though, after being suspended without pay for twelve months, having clocked up his third breach of the NFL’s anti-drugs policy. He was suspended for four games earlier this season for his second breach and the year ban is automatic for a third offence;
- Speaking of banned players, some good news at last for Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones - the latest woman to accuse him of assault has withdrawn her complaint;
- Finally, four players have been nominated for the Walter Payton Man of the Year award. Named after the legendary Chicago Bears running back, who died of a rare liver condition ten years ago, the award recognises players for their contribution to the community. Hines Ward, Jason Taylor, Jason Witten and Brian Waters are the four, and you can read more about their respective foundations here:
In truth, both Divisional Championship games were grim affairs, played out by four teams who were not only wary of taking any chances whatsoever, but who were also being frozen to the marrow. The game between the Patriots and the San Diego Chargers was played in a temperature of 9 degrees. Fahrenheit. That’s -13 Centigrade. And that was the warm game! Later, in Green Bay, the Giants and the Packers endured the third coldest NFL game ever, playing in -1F (-18C).
The first game - the AFC Championship - was decided more by the defenses than the much vaunted offenses. On the Chargers’ side of the ball, this was not much of a surprise, as QB Philip Rivers needed arthroscopic surgery on his injured knee to play at all, tight end Antonio Gates was still playing with a dislocated toe and running back LaDanian Tomlinson managed exactly three plays before going off injured again. This meant that, on the three occasions that they managed to get inside the Patriots 20 yard line, they only managed three field goals. By comparison, on the four visits that the Patriots made to the other end of the pitch, they came away with three touchdowns.
It tells you something about the game that the biggest news was that Tom Brady threw three interceptions, including one intended touchdown pass, the first time he’s been picked off in the end zone since 2005.
A fairly easy 21-12 win for the Patriots, marred only by allegations of foul play against defensive end Richard Seymour, although most rugby players would be surprised that being accused of ‘stomping on feet, slapping heads and elbowing people in the back’ was worthy of comment at all. (And why would you slap the head of someone wearing a helmet anyway?)
The game in Green Bay was so dull that it is hardly worth devoting any time to at all. Two very evenly matched sides slugged it out for the full 60 minutes to finish 20-20 at full time. It shouldn’t have been like that, as the Giants’ Scottish kicker Lawrence Tynes managed to miss two very kickable field goals which would’ve won the match for them in normal time, including one with the last play of the fourth quarter.
The drama all came during overtime, the fifteen minute period of extra time where the first score wins. Green Bay started out with the ball, but Brett Favre threw an interception. The Giants failed to obtain a first down and were left with the choice of punting the ball away, or attempting a 47 yard field goal. A lot of people are talking about how brave Giants coach Tom Coughlin was to take the latter option, especially considering Tynes’ earlier misses. In fact, a 47 yard field goal means that the ball starts on the opposition’s 32 yard line, as the kick is normally from a point 15 yards behind the point where the ball is ‘spotted’ at the end of the previous play. It is almost impossible to punt from so close to the goalline, so the options were to try again for a first down and risk handing the ball over on the 32 if you fail, or try for a field goal and risk handing the ball over on the 32 if you fail. In first-score-wins overtime, what are you going to do? Tynes nailed the kick and the Giants won 23-20.
So little Eli Manning gets to go to the Superbowl, just one year after his big brother finally got there. Moreover, he goes with a better record than Peyton did - Manning Snr being the first player to go to a Superbowl having thrown more interceptions than touchdowns. Who will win? Come back next week and I’ll tell you.
Meanwhile:
- Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy has confirmed that he is, after all, going to stay with the team for one more season;
- Buffalo Bills’ player Antony Hargrove will be taking next year, off, though, after being suspended without pay for twelve months, having clocked up his third breach of the NFL’s anti-drugs policy. He was suspended for four games earlier this season for his second breach and the year ban is automatic for a third offence;
- Speaking of banned players, some good news at last for Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones - the latest woman to accuse him of assault has withdrawn her complaint;
- Finally, four players have been nominated for the Walter Payton Man of the Year award. Named after the legendary Chicago Bears running back, who died of a rare liver condition ten years ago, the award recognises players for their contribution to the community. Hines Ward, Jason Taylor, Jason Witten and Brian Waters are the four, and you can read more about their respective foundations here:
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Anil and his Winning Shades - Chanelle
(dutifully transcribed by Zephirine)
“Well as my Dad would say, fall about in my back yard. Australia have lost a Test match.
Those of you who are not into cricket right will be saying like yeah and?
Let me explain it for you yeah they were on a winning streak of 16 having not lost a Test match since way back in 2005 when they were beaten by England yeah hard as that may now be to believe.
Australia have done this before right under their previous captain the legendary Steve Waugh they reached 16 unbeaten in 2001 yeah so the less legendary Ricky Ponting has been obviously like busting to beat the record but 17 was not to be. Tough shit Ricky lol.
So I was trying to explain the impact of this to Karl and I’m like, it’s as if you woke up and found Man U, Liverpool, Arsenal and Chelsea were all halfway down the Premier League right but he was like, that’s a physical impossibility and a ridiculous hypothesis so I was like, ooh pardon me for breathing. Football freaks eh?
Seriously it is a great result yeah because the Aussies winning all the time in the Tests was quite dull and also there have been like questions raised about their style of play under the not quite legendary Ricky and if the Indians can be their like nemesis it can only be good for the game yeah.
Thing is yeah the Australians play using a lot of sledging which is basically like verbal abuse and the sort of thing you or I would get thrown off the bus for but well to be fair everybody does it a bit in cricket well the men anyway because hey they are basically standing about in a field for a very long time yeah and most men would swear in this situation. Though it is more like insults and there are famous examples that everybody like sniggers about yeah to do with who has been seeing to whose wife etc etc you can use your imaginations. As far as I know women cricketers don’t sledge much right but I bet they swop the odd remark yeah like about how the batswoman made a big mistake choosing that hair colour with her skin tone lol.
But there has been a feeling right that the Australians employ psychological aggression like to excess yeah and this ended in nasty scenes in the 2nd Test match at Sydney which I am not even going to start to discuss right because a thousand trolls will descend on this site from Australia and India and will scream at each other endlessly causing noise pollution in cyberspace life is too short. But we can say that some iffy umpiring didn’t exactly help yeah and also we must admit that the Indian Cricket Board does a bit of psychological aggression of its own yeah consisting of waving its very big cheque book and saying like argue with us if you dare.
So this 3rd and latest match has been played in Perth right and there the Indians have won by 72 runs and nobody has got into any fights yeah and the spirit of cricket is safe and well for a while longer hooray and hurrah and everybody is happy except the Aus team. Even some of the Aussie supporters don’t mind yeah because they were getting like pretty bored, win win win win yawn.
And this is very nice for Anil Kumble right who is the Indian captain but only after years of waiting for the job and he is one of those people that just like does what he does really well and gets on with it yeah and nobody notices much and now suddenly right everyone realises he has taken over 600 wickets in his career which is the third highest ever since the dawn of the game right so cheers for Anil. He also wears very cool shades which are probably from a sponsor but they are chicly smart.
The other person to talk about right is Ishant Sharma who is only 19 and very tall and skinny with long hair and looks like the sort of boy who just loafs about at home smoking lots of weed yeah but that would be like the wrong impression of all time because he is a seriously like seriously good bowler : )) He managed to get the almost legendary Ricky P like totally rattled and got him out right so that is like an achievement and a half for a 19 year-old guy. So the same as our own tall skinny and cute Stuart Broad yeah we must hope he avoids injury and also doesn’t like go mysteriously off the boil for ever like too many of the English bowlers sigh.
Now there is one Test left because they are only playing four which is kind of stupid right so India can only level the series yeah but clearly the sparks are flying now and everybody is looking forward to it. And this shows that it is the like unpredictability of sport that we love yeah nobody wants to watch a match knowing in advance what the result would be right and perhaps we will love the Aussies more now they have been beaten hmm though I think we in England will only truly love them when they have been beaten by us.”
“Well as my Dad would say, fall about in my back yard. Australia have lost a Test match.
Those of you who are not into cricket right will be saying like yeah and?
Let me explain it for you yeah they were on a winning streak of 16 having not lost a Test match since way back in 2005 when they were beaten by England yeah hard as that may now be to believe.
Australia have done this before right under their previous captain the legendary Steve Waugh they reached 16 unbeaten in 2001 yeah so the less legendary Ricky Ponting has been obviously like busting to beat the record but 17 was not to be. Tough shit Ricky lol.
So I was trying to explain the impact of this to Karl and I’m like, it’s as if you woke up and found Man U, Liverpool, Arsenal and Chelsea were all halfway down the Premier League right but he was like, that’s a physical impossibility and a ridiculous hypothesis so I was like, ooh pardon me for breathing. Football freaks eh?
Seriously it is a great result yeah because the Aussies winning all the time in the Tests was quite dull and also there have been like questions raised about their style of play under the not quite legendary Ricky and if the Indians can be their like nemesis it can only be good for the game yeah.
Thing is yeah the Australians play using a lot of sledging which is basically like verbal abuse and the sort of thing you or I would get thrown off the bus for but well to be fair everybody does it a bit in cricket well the men anyway because hey they are basically standing about in a field for a very long time yeah and most men would swear in this situation. Though it is more like insults and there are famous examples that everybody like sniggers about yeah to do with who has been seeing to whose wife etc etc you can use your imaginations. As far as I know women cricketers don’t sledge much right but I bet they swop the odd remark yeah like about how the batswoman made a big mistake choosing that hair colour with her skin tone lol.
But there has been a feeling right that the Australians employ psychological aggression like to excess yeah and this ended in nasty scenes in the 2nd Test match at Sydney which I am not even going to start to discuss right because a thousand trolls will descend on this site from Australia and India and will scream at each other endlessly causing noise pollution in cyberspace life is too short. But we can say that some iffy umpiring didn’t exactly help yeah and also we must admit that the Indian Cricket Board does a bit of psychological aggression of its own yeah consisting of waving its very big cheque book and saying like argue with us if you dare.
So this 3rd and latest match has been played in Perth right and there the Indians have won by 72 runs and nobody has got into any fights yeah and the spirit of cricket is safe and well for a while longer hooray and hurrah and everybody is happy except the Aus team. Even some of the Aussie supporters don’t mind yeah because they were getting like pretty bored, win win win win yawn.
And this is very nice for Anil Kumble right who is the Indian captain but only after years of waiting for the job and he is one of those people that just like does what he does really well and gets on with it yeah and nobody notices much and now suddenly right everyone realises he has taken over 600 wickets in his career which is the third highest ever since the dawn of the game right so cheers for Anil. He also wears very cool shades which are probably from a sponsor but they are chicly smart.The other person to talk about right is Ishant Sharma who is only 19 and very tall and skinny with long hair and looks like the sort of boy who just loafs about at home smoking lots of weed yeah but that would be like the wrong impression of all time because he is a seriously like seriously good bowler : )) He managed to get the almost legendary Ricky P like totally rattled and got him out right so that is like an achievement and a half for a 19 year-old guy. So the same as our own tall skinny and cute Stuart Broad yeah we must hope he avoids injury and also doesn’t like go mysteriously off the boil for ever like too many of the English bowlers sigh.
Now there is one Test left because they are only playing four which is kind of stupid right so India can only level the series yeah but clearly the sparks are flying now and everybody is looking forward to it. And this shows that it is the like unpredictability of sport that we love yeah nobody wants to watch a match knowing in advance what the result would be right and perhaps we will love the Aussies more now they have been beaten hmm though I think we in England will only truly love them when they have been beaten by us.”
Saturday, January 19, 2008
How to win leagues without cash – Ebren & Margin
I've just finished reading Moneyball. If you haven't read it - do. Do it now. Borrow my copy.
The book sets out how any sporting side can boost their chances of winning by looking at the defining characteristics of victory and focusing exclusively on the things that increase its chances winning .
No matter how ugly, slow, old, injured or unfavourable a reputation a player might have, and no matter how bad that player might be at things that don't improve your chances of winning - if he increases your chances of success you sign him.
In Moneyball this leads the Oakland As to remarkable success in Major League Baseball.
That success is also a result of another lesson that Moneyball teaches. You see any isolated sport that relies on insiders to run things is vulnerable to attack by outsiders. Those within "the club" can tell outsiders that "you're not one of us so you don't know what you're talking about" but leave themselves open to being beaten by those outsiders with good data, facts and objectivity.
This allowed Oakland to identify that many of the most expensive players in baseball added little by way of value to a team in terms of wins. The most valued draft players, often picked on the basis of how far they hit the ball, were often not particularly good at hitting it, and some attributes generally deemed valuable turned out to have little bearing on winning baseball games.
But the secret of doing it without money [as Oakland As had to in the book] is to look at which of the attributes that lead to success are least valued by others, and then focus on these (focus on the same attributes as rich teams and their money means you will lose). And you can make money by exploiting other people's misconceptions to sell on players you can replace at a massive profit.
To do this you first have to examine your sport in the minutest detail (first lesson: the naked eye and watching games - even all the home games in a season - is useless to you).
But this is a problem in my beloved football.
We all know what wins football games - goals. More specifically scoring more goals than the opposition.
So the next question is how do you score more goals than the opposition?
In the 1980s the theory was most goals are scored in the opposition final third. So get the ball there as fast as possible. And so was born Graham Taylor's Watford. Which had great success in the league but could not cut it at international level (although Egil Olsen had more success with Norway). The 1970s Ajax system, contrary to popular belief, was also an effort to score in the most efficient manner (you swapped positions, because rather than running from left back to left wing, and back again, it was easier to run to left wing, swap with the left wing, then swap back – 70 yards less running, same defensive shape).
But in football no one ever successfully broke the mould and brought in outsiders to ditch the unqualified football men. Too many remain without good reason to justify the job they are in with anything other than “I used to play, y’know”. And too few compete with other people on the exact job skills needed for the managerial posts that now pay them in millions.
Not many football managers would survive true scrutiny. Certainly not most of the ex-players that get top-flight jobs the first time they try. Some of them work out. The vast majority don't. But in the next 12 months I guarantee another ex-player with no CV will get a top job (one in the top two divisions). It's nuts.
And that means the first people to successfully exploit this imbalance in the market will have success. Now in Taylor, Allardyce, Robson, Ferguson, O'Neil and Clough managers have succeeded in consistently beating huge piles of cash with intelligence.
But have they done the stats? Have they really ever looked at exactly what makes a team win on the pitch with academics running the numbers? Spirit, pride, passion, "game breakers", "that bit of magic", "there's just something about him". How often do you here these phrases from people paid to analyse the game?
Numbers game
So goals mean games. Score them and stop them.
But more than that - to take the Moneyball example - which stats correlate to victories most closely. And what are the secondary stats that lead to these stats.
To be subjective for a moment, let's look at some misconceptions.
Territory. Possession. Goals. Clean sheets. Shots. Distance covered. Tackles. Cards, red and yellow.
These are the stats people see, quote, and argue about.
I'll take them one by one.
Territory. Meaningless. Utterly, uttelry meaningless. Beckham scored from his own half. So did Alonso. 1% of a game in a final third is enough to score quite a few goals. And then look at Leeds Chelsea in December 1997. Leeds had nine men, Chelsea eleven. Chelsea camped in the opposition half, won 14 corners to none, and never looked like scoring. 0-0. England Argentina 2002? The socreline is not dependent on territory.
Possession. Do you know how often you need to touch the ball to win 3-0. Once. At your kick off (either at 0 or 45 mins). You can't score without the ball and they can't score if you have it. Fair enough the wise heads nod. But it's bollox really. Germany had more possession in 2001, 1-5 England. In 1972 England had more possession and territory – 1-3 Germany at Wembley.
Goals. Fine, more goals means you win. But how much of a goal is luck, and how much is skill? Deflections, own goals, cock ups, idiots, bad refereeing calls. Goals alone are not a reliable stat - the stats alone are so flawed.
Clean sheets. As above. With a large dollop of opposition ineptitude included. Their cock ups lead to your success. Actually, that applies to goals as well.
Shots. As the 2006 World Cup quarter finals approached, Frank Lampard had taken as many shots in that competition as Argentina. Argentina had scored 10 goals. Lampard hadn't. All shots are not equal, and treating them as such is deeply flawed logic.
Distance covered by a player. I can run 10k in 57 minutes. About the same as most Premiership players in 90. Players run more in England than in other leagues. Does that mean the league is better? Frankly, I would guess the average distance covered in the Championship is higher than in Serie A or La Liga as well.
Tackles. Right, don't get me started here. Tackles are fundamentally reactive. They are also something you do when other things have failed and the opposition is threatening. Just no.
Cards. Do they mean anything to a result? - is there any evidence that a team with "worse discipline" perform worse than a comparable team with better discipline? If there is I will shut up about this. But Arsene Wenger's shocking long term red card record at Arsenal suggests not, and Juande Ramos has seen his players collect three at Spurs, in matches resulting in one win, one draw, and one defeat.
What it all means
Without stats we can't know these things are irrelevant, but with such clear exceptions and with no figures to back up conventional wisdom, there is no reason to believe they are.
So what makes you win and lose games? Well, goals. What leads to goals, chances (note - not shots, you do not need a shot to have a chance, as evidenced by Theo Walcott's recent equalizer against Spurs last week, and a shot is often not a chance at all). Specifically finished chances. So what you need is chance conversion rate from a striker. Scrap that - two stats, chances created, and chances finished. The ratio between them needs to be established.
Chances come from for the team - the process that leads to a goal is key. Increasing your chances of creating chances. Decrease the opposition’s chances of creating chances. Increase your chances of finishing chances and vice-versa for the opposition.
For example, do crosses result in chances more often than a simple pass inside? Is the chance conversion better on crosses? What about crosses from deep as opposed to from corner of the box? And how does a cross from the left compare to a cross from the right?
A pet theory is possession won within 30 yards of the opposition goal is a key stat. Win possession there do chances nearly always ensue? If so who's best at winning possession there? Have we just stumbled upon the point of Kevin Davies? A corollary of that is how often possession is surrendered in the final third – how often is a defender caught with the ball? If it happens a lot does it undermine the benefits of that same defender's excellent heading or pace?
We need facts and stats.
Focus on this, evaluate the more and less valuable contributions to this. For example - which players contribute the most to the goals scored and conceded? If a goalkeeper worth ten goals a season is half the price of a striker worth 20 goals a season, can we spend the money saved on a striker worth at least eleven goals a season? If so, let’s exploit it (buy strikers cheap, and sell them to fund better keepers- have Reading already read this?).
But let's do it properly, test the damn theory properly. There is no reason not to do this. In fact, others not doing it is a Very Good Reason to do it indeed.
Some have tried - pipe down Boothroyd, you don't count. McClaren put prozone down and stop grinning.
Some stats are more than numbers, some stats can tell you something, they have the power of language. Others are just numbers, it is working out what counts, and not counting, that matters.
Here begins the search for new football knowledge.
The book sets out how any sporting side can boost their chances of winning by looking at the defining characteristics of victory and focusing exclusively on the things that increase its chances winning .
No matter how ugly, slow, old, injured or unfavourable a reputation a player might have, and no matter how bad that player might be at things that don't improve your chances of winning - if he increases your chances of success you sign him.
In Moneyball this leads the Oakland As to remarkable success in Major League Baseball.
That success is also a result of another lesson that Moneyball teaches. You see any isolated sport that relies on insiders to run things is vulnerable to attack by outsiders. Those within "the club" can tell outsiders that "you're not one of us so you don't know what you're talking about" but leave themselves open to being beaten by those outsiders with good data, facts and objectivity.
This allowed Oakland to identify that many of the most expensive players in baseball added little by way of value to a team in terms of wins. The most valued draft players, often picked on the basis of how far they hit the ball, were often not particularly good at hitting it, and some attributes generally deemed valuable turned out to have little bearing on winning baseball games.
But the secret of doing it without money [as Oakland As had to in the book] is to look at which of the attributes that lead to success are least valued by others, and then focus on these (focus on the same attributes as rich teams and their money means you will lose). And you can make money by exploiting other people's misconceptions to sell on players you can replace at a massive profit.
To do this you first have to examine your sport in the minutest detail (first lesson: the naked eye and watching games - even all the home games in a season - is useless to you).
But this is a problem in my beloved football.
We all know what wins football games - goals. More specifically scoring more goals than the opposition.
So the next question is how do you score more goals than the opposition?
In the 1980s the theory was most goals are scored in the opposition final third. So get the ball there as fast as possible. And so was born Graham Taylor's Watford. Which had great success in the league but could not cut it at international level (although Egil Olsen had more success with Norway). The 1970s Ajax system, contrary to popular belief, was also an effort to score in the most efficient manner (you swapped positions, because rather than running from left back to left wing, and back again, it was easier to run to left wing, swap with the left wing, then swap back – 70 yards less running, same defensive shape).
But in football no one ever successfully broke the mould and brought in outsiders to ditch the unqualified football men. Too many remain without good reason to justify the job they are in with anything other than “I used to play, y’know”. And too few compete with other people on the exact job skills needed for the managerial posts that now pay them in millions.
Not many football managers would survive true scrutiny. Certainly not most of the ex-players that get top-flight jobs the first time they try. Some of them work out. The vast majority don't. But in the next 12 months I guarantee another ex-player with no CV will get a top job (one in the top two divisions). It's nuts.
And that means the first people to successfully exploit this imbalance in the market will have success. Now in Taylor, Allardyce, Robson, Ferguson, O'Neil and Clough managers have succeeded in consistently beating huge piles of cash with intelligence.
But have they done the stats? Have they really ever looked at exactly what makes a team win on the pitch with academics running the numbers? Spirit, pride, passion, "game breakers", "that bit of magic", "there's just something about him". How often do you here these phrases from people paid to analyse the game?
Numbers game
So goals mean games. Score them and stop them.
But more than that - to take the Moneyball example - which stats correlate to victories most closely. And what are the secondary stats that lead to these stats.
To be subjective for a moment, let's look at some misconceptions.
Territory. Possession. Goals. Clean sheets. Shots. Distance covered. Tackles. Cards, red and yellow.
These are the stats people see, quote, and argue about.
I'll take them one by one.
Territory. Meaningless. Utterly, uttelry meaningless. Beckham scored from his own half. So did Alonso. 1% of a game in a final third is enough to score quite a few goals. And then look at Leeds Chelsea in December 1997. Leeds had nine men, Chelsea eleven. Chelsea camped in the opposition half, won 14 corners to none, and never looked like scoring. 0-0. England Argentina 2002? The socreline is not dependent on territory.
Possession. Do you know how often you need to touch the ball to win 3-0. Once. At your kick off (either at 0 or 45 mins). You can't score without the ball and they can't score if you have it. Fair enough the wise heads nod. But it's bollox really. Germany had more possession in 2001, 1-5 England. In 1972 England had more possession and territory – 1-3 Germany at Wembley.
Goals. Fine, more goals means you win. But how much of a goal is luck, and how much is skill? Deflections, own goals, cock ups, idiots, bad refereeing calls. Goals alone are not a reliable stat - the stats alone are so flawed.
Clean sheets. As above. With a large dollop of opposition ineptitude included. Their cock ups lead to your success. Actually, that applies to goals as well.
Shots. As the 2006 World Cup quarter finals approached, Frank Lampard had taken as many shots in that competition as Argentina. Argentina had scored 10 goals. Lampard hadn't. All shots are not equal, and treating them as such is deeply flawed logic.
Distance covered by a player. I can run 10k in 57 minutes. About the same as most Premiership players in 90. Players run more in England than in other leagues. Does that mean the league is better? Frankly, I would guess the average distance covered in the Championship is higher than in Serie A or La Liga as well.
Tackles. Right, don't get me started here. Tackles are fundamentally reactive. They are also something you do when other things have failed and the opposition is threatening. Just no.
Cards. Do they mean anything to a result? - is there any evidence that a team with "worse discipline" perform worse than a comparable team with better discipline? If there is I will shut up about this. But Arsene Wenger's shocking long term red card record at Arsenal suggests not, and Juande Ramos has seen his players collect three at Spurs, in matches resulting in one win, one draw, and one defeat.
What it all means
Without stats we can't know these things are irrelevant, but with such clear exceptions and with no figures to back up conventional wisdom, there is no reason to believe they are.
So what makes you win and lose games? Well, goals. What leads to goals, chances (note - not shots, you do not need a shot to have a chance, as evidenced by Theo Walcott's recent equalizer against Spurs last week, and a shot is often not a chance at all). Specifically finished chances. So what you need is chance conversion rate from a striker. Scrap that - two stats, chances created, and chances finished. The ratio between them needs to be established.
Chances come from for the team - the process that leads to a goal is key. Increasing your chances of creating chances. Decrease the opposition’s chances of creating chances. Increase your chances of finishing chances and vice-versa for the opposition.
For example, do crosses result in chances more often than a simple pass inside? Is the chance conversion better on crosses? What about crosses from deep as opposed to from corner of the box? And how does a cross from the left compare to a cross from the right?
A pet theory is possession won within 30 yards of the opposition goal is a key stat. Win possession there do chances nearly always ensue? If so who's best at winning possession there? Have we just stumbled upon the point of Kevin Davies? A corollary of that is how often possession is surrendered in the final third – how often is a defender caught with the ball? If it happens a lot does it undermine the benefits of that same defender's excellent heading or pace?
We need facts and stats.
Focus on this, evaluate the more and less valuable contributions to this. For example - which players contribute the most to the goals scored and conceded? If a goalkeeper worth ten goals a season is half the price of a striker worth 20 goals a season, can we spend the money saved on a striker worth at least eleven goals a season? If so, let’s exploit it (buy strikers cheap, and sell them to fund better keepers- have Reading already read this?).
But let's do it properly, test the damn theory properly. There is no reason not to do this. In fact, others not doing it is a Very Good Reason to do it indeed.
Some have tried - pipe down Boothroyd, you don't count. McClaren put prozone down and stop grinning.
Some stats are more than numbers, some stats can tell you something, they have the power of language. Others are just numbers, it is working out what counts, and not counting, that matters.
Here begins the search for new football knowledge.
Friday, January 18, 2008
January football and credit card bills - Premcorrespondent
In even numbered years, January can be a dull month for a football fan. There’s no meaningful international football until the summer, the Champions League is taking a break to count the money and in domestic football, teams are jockeying for position rather than staking claims. January used to host the two most romantic rounds of the most romantic Cup competition in the world, but a forward line of Paul Daniels, David Nixon and David Blaine couldn’t recapture the “Magic of the Cup” which is sadly a 20th century phenomenon.
Last weekend’s batch of games saw Manchester United refrain from scoring six in the first half against Allardyceless, clueless Newcastle, so they could ping in the half-dozen in the second period. A hat-trick for the Portuguese wonderkid, who could probably have had six himself if he’d wanted, illuminated a hideous mismatch. Newcastle will need saving if they are not to drop like a stone – where’s a Messiah when you need one? Oh… there.
Earlier in the day, Arsenal’s journey from sublime to, if not ridiculous, certainly a bit ordinary, continued with Garry O’Connor cancelling out Emmanuel Adebayor’s opener – the goalscorers’ names tell you all you need to know about the clubs. Dropping two midwinter points at home to the likes of Birmingham is dangerous for title contenders and Wenger will know that he can afford no more such slips. Arsenal slide to second. Fellow “Londoners” Chelsea showed how the spirit of Mourinho lives on, securing three points in an awkward fixture against resurgent Tottenham. The four points by which they trail the top duo is possibly one too many, but don’t be surprised to see Chelsea in the mix.
Speaking of which, the mix for the fourth CL spot looks very tight with four clubs level on points. Liverpool relied on Torres yet again to rescue a point at Middlesborough amidst boardroom strife – like Liverpool, Rafa is sinking. Two potential fourth placers faced off at Goodison, where Joleon Lescott;s goal suggested he could play centre-forward as well as full back and centre-half. Sven won’t be unduly concerned, as City’s home form remains strong. The other club in this mix is Aston Villa, which has been quietly, but purposefully built into a formidable team by Martin O’Neill. Their goals to see off Reading came from giant Scandanavian powerhouses, Laursen and Carew, but O’Neill has plenty of youthful pace to go with the brawn.
Elsewhere, it was business as usual as Fulham took the lead and lost, this time to West Ham, whose sensible manager should have a word with Dean Ashton’s barber; Derby conceded their usual late goal, this time to Wigan’s Sibierski, who doesn’t need a barber.
On Sunday, Roy Keane’s Sunderland showed that they have what it takes to pull away from the drop zone with two Keiron Richardson goals seeing off fading, African-free Portsmouth. The last game of the weekend was a curiously low-key derby between Blackburn and Bolton won by Jason Roberts’ late run and strike. Any club who acquires Gary Megson and loses Nicolas Anelka is probably asking for trouble, and that’s just what Bolton will get.
I’m off to pay my credit card – HOW MUCH?
Last weekend’s batch of games saw Manchester United refrain from scoring six in the first half against Allardyceless, clueless Newcastle, so they could ping in the half-dozen in the second period. A hat-trick for the Portuguese wonderkid, who could probably have had six himself if he’d wanted, illuminated a hideous mismatch. Newcastle will need saving if they are not to drop like a stone – where’s a Messiah when you need one? Oh… there.
Earlier in the day, Arsenal’s journey from sublime to, if not ridiculous, certainly a bit ordinary, continued with Garry O’Connor cancelling out Emmanuel Adebayor’s opener – the goalscorers’ names tell you all you need to know about the clubs. Dropping two midwinter points at home to the likes of Birmingham is dangerous for title contenders and Wenger will know that he can afford no more such slips. Arsenal slide to second. Fellow “Londoners” Chelsea showed how the spirit of Mourinho lives on, securing three points in an awkward fixture against resurgent Tottenham. The four points by which they trail the top duo is possibly one too many, but don’t be surprised to see Chelsea in the mix.
Speaking of which, the mix for the fourth CL spot looks very tight with four clubs level on points. Liverpool relied on Torres yet again to rescue a point at Middlesborough amidst boardroom strife – like Liverpool, Rafa is sinking. Two potential fourth placers faced off at Goodison, where Joleon Lescott;s goal suggested he could play centre-forward as well as full back and centre-half. Sven won’t be unduly concerned, as City’s home form remains strong. The other club in this mix is Aston Villa, which has been quietly, but purposefully built into a formidable team by Martin O’Neill. Their goals to see off Reading came from giant Scandanavian powerhouses, Laursen and Carew, but O’Neill has plenty of youthful pace to go with the brawn.
Elsewhere, it was business as usual as Fulham took the lead and lost, this time to West Ham, whose sensible manager should have a word with Dean Ashton’s barber; Derby conceded their usual late goal, this time to Wigan’s Sibierski, who doesn’t need a barber.
On Sunday, Roy Keane’s Sunderland showed that they have what it takes to pull away from the drop zone with two Keiron Richardson goals seeing off fading, African-free Portsmouth. The last game of the weekend was a curiously low-key derby between Blackburn and Bolton won by Jason Roberts’ late run and strike. Any club who acquires Gary Megson and loses Nicolas Anelka is probably asking for trouble, and that’s just what Bolton will get.
I’m off to pay my credit card – HOW MUCH?
NFL Divisional Playoffs - the Velvet Bear
Well, it’s a good job we had Superbowl XLI-andahalf back in November, because Superbowl XLII won’t be between the Patriots and the Colts.
In the surprise of the weekend, the Chargers overcame Indianapolis in Indianapolis by 28-24 and now go through to the AFC Championship game. It was quite some achievement by San Diego. They started the game with a half-fit Antionio Gates, who dislocated his toe last weekend. They lost star running back LJ Tomlinson with a knee injury less than halfway through the game. Then, to cap it all, quarterback Philip Rivers also picked up a knee injury.
The key to the Chargers’ success was just how well their back-ups performed. Michael Turner and Damien Sproules replaced Tomlinson and took it in turn to batter holes in the Colts’ defense. In fact, Rivers was injured throwing a short pass to Sproules, who then ran 53 yards for a touchdown. Even more remarkable was the play of backup QB Billy Volek, who had been so unreliable all year that he had only been on the field for ten plays in the entire season. What is more, he even threw an interception on his first series of plays, yet still came back to drive the team to victory, with a long, accurate, pass to Cris Chambers and then a one yard run of his own for the touchdown, thus completing the second most remarkable comeback of the weekend (we’ll get to the most remarkable one later).
The Colts themselves did little wrong. Peyton had two good passes bounce off the hands of receivers and into the waiting arms of Chargers players, but he also completed a sublime pass to tight end Dallas Clark for the game’s opening score, Clark spinning on his heel to shake off the last defender before running the ball home.
In retrospect, the Colts’ biggest mistake was probably to activate Marvin Harrison for this game. Harrison is a legend, one of the all time great wide receivers, another one who is a shoe-in for the Hall of Fame in due course. But you will notice that I haven’t mentioned him at all this season. That’s because he has been injured for half of it. And boy, did he play like a man who hasn’t been in a game for months. He only caught two passes all day and at least twice dropped catches which should’ve led to touchdowns. He clearly wasn’t ready for the game, no matter what Tony Dungy and his coaching staff felt.
The other surprise – although less of one – came in the NFC, where the Giants beat the Cowboys 21-17 in Texas Stadium. This really was a contest to find who had the least flaky quarterback. Eli Manning’s run of good, actually-I-really-can-play-like-a-franchise-quarterback form continues. Unfortunately for Dallas, so did Tony Romo’s run of I-don’t-want-to-do-this-I-have-a-sore-thumb-and-anyway-it’s-my-turn-to-have-sex-with-Jessica-Simpson form.
Basically, Romo had a stinker of a game. He completed on only 50% of his passes and never looked like the player he was, well, before he began dating Miss Simpson. At one point, he totally lost his cool with his offensive line in general and center Andre Gourode in particular – in the middle of a play. It is easy – and somewhat lazy – to draw parallels like that, but it is very coincidental that his play began going downhill the moment their relationship came to light and games like this will only further the cause of those who want to make such comparisons.
The game ended when the Cowboys, with only one timeout left and only 1.47 minutes on the clock, bizarrely went for two running plays and gained very few yards indeed. Romo then finally went for a pass, only to chuck the ball straight down the throat of the Giants’ replacement cornerback RW McQuarters. Game over. The Cowboys will forever wonder just how good this season could’ve been.
Most people had the Cowboys down as the only side who could beat the Patriots come February 3rd. If that is the case it should be a stroll for New England from now on. On Saturday night they took apart the Jacksonville Jaguars with such clinical precision, it was almost breathtaking. Jacksonville did everything, I mean everything, right. They played Randy Moss out of the game. They shut down the secondary (the deep part of the field, basically). They forced Tom Brady to throw short passes. They squeezed Laurence Moroney as he tried to run through the line of scrimmage. What did they get in return? Brady setting an NFL record for one game, by completing over 92% of his passes. Only twice did the ball go to ground, and one of those was when Wes Welker dropped a catch so simple, even Monty Panesar could’ve taken it.
I still can’t love the Patriots, but they are an awesome side to watch. I can’t see the Chargers having a prayer against them on Saturday, not unless they can get Gates, Rivers and particularly Tomlinson fit. Even then, the Patriots will have had one more day off between matches.
As an aside, 31 coaches across the NFL will be choking on their morning coffee when the league announces the Draft order for this year. The Draft is when the 32 NFL sides recruit the best college players of each year and I’ll be writing about it in much more detail nearer the time. The order in which teams pick is the reverse order in which they finish this season, with the worst team – the Dolphins, in other words – having the first pick and the Superbowl winners the 32nd.
This year, the Patriots lost their first round pick (there are seven rounds) as part of their punishment for spying on the Jets. Except that one of the ways teams trade players – there being no transfer market like in other sports – is by swapping or handing over draft picks. And, as a result of a trade made two years ago, the Patriots will have the seventh pick in the first round of the 2008 Draft. That’s right, they get the 7th best new player to enter the league. Quite where they will put him is anyone’s guess.
The final playoff game featured one of the best examples of a master demonstrating his art to his pupil that you will ever see. It also featured one of the gutsiest comeback performances that you will ever see.
Seattle Seahawks QB Matt Hasselbeck spent three years as Brett Favre’s understudy in Green Bay before moving to the west coast. Since then, he’s been in a losing Superbowl, been hailed as one of the best quarterbacks of his generation and almost been killed by a falling television camera. On Saturday evening, in Wisconsin, in a blizzard, Favre showed just how much he still has to learn. From the Packers’ first eight possessions, they scored touchdowns on 6. All of those six featured Favre leading them down the field from deep inside their own half. Strangely, though, it was what happened on the first two possessions that was interesting.
The Seahawks kicked off, so the Packers began with the ball. Favre passed to running back Ryan Grant, who promptly dropped the ball into the hands of a waiting Seahawk. One play later and Seattle were 7-0 up.
Green Bay again got the ball from the kick off. Favre entrusted the ball to Grant again, who this time had it stripped from his grasp. Seattle recovered the fumble, moved back up the field and went 14-0 up.
Cue Favre, as the ‘Hawks were kept to just two field goals in the rest of the match. Cue a 42-20 win for Green Bay. But also cue Ryan Grant, who came back from his disastrous opening to run for over 200 yards and score a hat-trick of tries. It was a formidable display, which overshadowed his Seahawk rival Shaun Alexander (another future Hall of Famer) – Alexander managed only 20 yards all game. Top marks to Grant for putting the early troubles behind him, but also to the Packers’ coaching staff for trusting him despite all that had gone before.
This weekend sees the Chargers visit the Patriots on Saturday and the Giants go to Green Bay on Sunday. And then the Superbowl hype can begin.
Not much other news this week, but:
- Word on the street is that both Seahawks’ coach Mike Holmgren and the Colts’ Tony Dungy are considering their futures now that their season is over. Dungy’s son has just enrolled in a high school in Texas, which is being taken as a sign that the first black coach ever to win a Superbowl may be about to step down. Holmgren goes through this ‘stay or go’ ritual every season, it seems, but rumour has it that this time, he is seriously thinking about moving on;
- The Packers have a safety named Atari Begby. Apparently his grandmother named him that. I’m wondering if he has brothers called Sinclair, Commodore and Oric;
- The Falcons have hired a new general manager (think ‘director of football’) without even meeting him. Thomas Dimitroff’s interview with owner Arthur Blank was conducted over a satellite link and apparently got him the role over the interviewees Blank did deign to meet.
In the surprise of the weekend, the Chargers overcame Indianapolis in Indianapolis by 28-24 and now go through to the AFC Championship game. It was quite some achievement by San Diego. They started the game with a half-fit Antionio Gates, who dislocated his toe last weekend. They lost star running back LJ Tomlinson with a knee injury less than halfway through the game. Then, to cap it all, quarterback Philip Rivers also picked up a knee injury.
The key to the Chargers’ success was just how well their back-ups performed. Michael Turner and Damien Sproules replaced Tomlinson and took it in turn to batter holes in the Colts’ defense. In fact, Rivers was injured throwing a short pass to Sproules, who then ran 53 yards for a touchdown. Even more remarkable was the play of backup QB Billy Volek, who had been so unreliable all year that he had only been on the field for ten plays in the entire season. What is more, he even threw an interception on his first series of plays, yet still came back to drive the team to victory, with a long, accurate, pass to Cris Chambers and then a one yard run of his own for the touchdown, thus completing the second most remarkable comeback of the weekend (we’ll get to the most remarkable one later).
The Colts themselves did little wrong. Peyton had two good passes bounce off the hands of receivers and into the waiting arms of Chargers players, but he also completed a sublime pass to tight end Dallas Clark for the game’s opening score, Clark spinning on his heel to shake off the last defender before running the ball home.
In retrospect, the Colts’ biggest mistake was probably to activate Marvin Harrison for this game. Harrison is a legend, one of the all time great wide receivers, another one who is a shoe-in for the Hall of Fame in due course. But you will notice that I haven’t mentioned him at all this season. That’s because he has been injured for half of it. And boy, did he play like a man who hasn’t been in a game for months. He only caught two passes all day and at least twice dropped catches which should’ve led to touchdowns. He clearly wasn’t ready for the game, no matter what Tony Dungy and his coaching staff felt.
The other surprise – although less of one – came in the NFC, where the Giants beat the Cowboys 21-17 in Texas Stadium. This really was a contest to find who had the least flaky quarterback. Eli Manning’s run of good, actually-I-really-can-play-like-a-franchise-quarterback form continues. Unfortunately for Dallas, so did Tony Romo’s run of I-don’t-want-to-do-this-I-have-a-sore-thumb-and-anyway-it’s-my-turn-to-have-sex-with-Jessica-Simpson form.
Basically, Romo had a stinker of a game. He completed on only 50% of his passes and never looked like the player he was, well, before he began dating Miss Simpson. At one point, he totally lost his cool with his offensive line in general and center Andre Gourode in particular – in the middle of a play. It is easy – and somewhat lazy – to draw parallels like that, but it is very coincidental that his play began going downhill the moment their relationship came to light and games like this will only further the cause of those who want to make such comparisons.
The game ended when the Cowboys, with only one timeout left and only 1.47 minutes on the clock, bizarrely went for two running plays and gained very few yards indeed. Romo then finally went for a pass, only to chuck the ball straight down the throat of the Giants’ replacement cornerback RW McQuarters. Game over. The Cowboys will forever wonder just how good this season could’ve been.
Most people had the Cowboys down as the only side who could beat the Patriots come February 3rd. If that is the case it should be a stroll for New England from now on. On Saturday night they took apart the Jacksonville Jaguars with such clinical precision, it was almost breathtaking. Jacksonville did everything, I mean everything, right. They played Randy Moss out of the game. They shut down the secondary (the deep part of the field, basically). They forced Tom Brady to throw short passes. They squeezed Laurence Moroney as he tried to run through the line of scrimmage. What did they get in return? Brady setting an NFL record for one game, by completing over 92% of his passes. Only twice did the ball go to ground, and one of those was when Wes Welker dropped a catch so simple, even Monty Panesar could’ve taken it.
I still can’t love the Patriots, but they are an awesome side to watch. I can’t see the Chargers having a prayer against them on Saturday, not unless they can get Gates, Rivers and particularly Tomlinson fit. Even then, the Patriots will have had one more day off between matches.
As an aside, 31 coaches across the NFL will be choking on their morning coffee when the league announces the Draft order for this year. The Draft is when the 32 NFL sides recruit the best college players of each year and I’ll be writing about it in much more detail nearer the time. The order in which teams pick is the reverse order in which they finish this season, with the worst team – the Dolphins, in other words – having the first pick and the Superbowl winners the 32nd.
This year, the Patriots lost their first round pick (there are seven rounds) as part of their punishment for spying on the Jets. Except that one of the ways teams trade players – there being no transfer market like in other sports – is by swapping or handing over draft picks. And, as a result of a trade made two years ago, the Patriots will have the seventh pick in the first round of the 2008 Draft. That’s right, they get the 7th best new player to enter the league. Quite where they will put him is anyone’s guess.
The final playoff game featured one of the best examples of a master demonstrating his art to his pupil that you will ever see. It also featured one of the gutsiest comeback performances that you will ever see.
Seattle Seahawks QB Matt Hasselbeck spent three years as Brett Favre’s understudy in Green Bay before moving to the west coast. Since then, he’s been in a losing Superbowl, been hailed as one of the best quarterbacks of his generation and almost been killed by a falling television camera. On Saturday evening, in Wisconsin, in a blizzard, Favre showed just how much he still has to learn. From the Packers’ first eight possessions, they scored touchdowns on 6. All of those six featured Favre leading them down the field from deep inside their own half. Strangely, though, it was what happened on the first two possessions that was interesting.
The Seahawks kicked off, so the Packers began with the ball. Favre passed to running back Ryan Grant, who promptly dropped the ball into the hands of a waiting Seahawk. One play later and Seattle were 7-0 up.
Green Bay again got the ball from the kick off. Favre entrusted the ball to Grant again, who this time had it stripped from his grasp. Seattle recovered the fumble, moved back up the field and went 14-0 up.
Cue Favre, as the ‘Hawks were kept to just two field goals in the rest of the match. Cue a 42-20 win for Green Bay. But also cue Ryan Grant, who came back from his disastrous opening to run for over 200 yards and score a hat-trick of tries. It was a formidable display, which overshadowed his Seahawk rival Shaun Alexander (another future Hall of Famer) – Alexander managed only 20 yards all game. Top marks to Grant for putting the early troubles behind him, but also to the Packers’ coaching staff for trusting him despite all that had gone before.
This weekend sees the Chargers visit the Patriots on Saturday and the Giants go to Green Bay on Sunday. And then the Superbowl hype can begin.
Not much other news this week, but:
- Word on the street is that both Seahawks’ coach Mike Holmgren and the Colts’ Tony Dungy are considering their futures now that their season is over. Dungy’s son has just enrolled in a high school in Texas, which is being taken as a sign that the first black coach ever to win a Superbowl may be about to step down. Holmgren goes through this ‘stay or go’ ritual every season, it seems, but rumour has it that this time, he is seriously thinking about moving on;
- The Packers have a safety named Atari Begby. Apparently his grandmother named him that. I’m wondering if he has brothers called Sinclair, Commodore and Oric;
- The Falcons have hired a new general manager (think ‘director of football’) without even meeting him. Thomas Dimitroff’s interview with owner Arthur Blank was conducted over a satellite link and apparently got him the role over the interviewees Blank did deign to meet.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Kerfuffle in the Kitchen at the Pakalolo
by Offgrass and Greenside
In the misty kitchen of our favourite hostelry, reindeer horns stick out of a giant boiling cauldron. A hatchet-faced, almost-Arsenic Pseuds XI boss (Offside) leans on the work bench, a bottle of absinthe beside him. Dressed in a bloody apron and chef’s hat, he expertly tests the sharpness of a meat cleaver. On the other side of the bench stands Greengrass in Santa Claus garb, nervously fumbling with his hat.
Offside: What can I do you for, GG?
Greengrass: Well, boss, it’s this Munni business...
Offside: Munni?
Greengrass: Yes, Munni. Here I am, the regular left-whinger in the Pseuds XI. That’s been my berth for years - never missed a game, except when I’ve been banned.
Offside: Oui - and...
Greengrass: Well, then this slip of a girl turns up and flashes her eyes at you, and you give her my place in the side. It’s not right, I mean...
Offside: GG, GG - take it easy. You’re not getting any younger, and I have to think about the future of the Pseuds XI. I just want to ease her into the squad, rotate her under your expert tutelage, sell a few shirts in Asia.
Greengrass: So I’m not being farmed out on loan to Accrington Stanley?
Offside: No way!
Greengrass: And I won’t be banished to the touchline with a sponge and some smelling salts and a little jar of Dog Fat ointment, ready to nip on and give her legs a rubbing if she gets hurt?
Offside (shudders): Dog above, no! As sure as Liverpool is the City of Culture (suddenly gets a frog in his throat and coughs it up, deftly slipping it into the cauldron) you will still be our main man on the left whinge. I’ll have Munni in the side for the Mickey Mouse Cup and a few games against the weaker teams.
Greengrass: I see.
Offside: Oui. I mean, if you insist on tiring yourself out by chasing 13-year-old Gooners all over the pitch, or if you’ve been away on international duty, you can go off to Bognor Regis for a weekend...
Greengrass: Blackpool, please!
Offside: ...or Blackpool. You can see the illuminations, gorge some cockles and candy floss, have a lie-in or two, get your fortune told, then come back to turn out in the big games - the Cup finals, the title deciders.
Greengrass: So I get to keep the number 11 jersey?
Offside: Oui.
Greengrass (leaving): Grand! Right - I’ll be off to get some training in, then. We’ve got a crib game tonight against the Wheel Tapirs. Will there be any grub on?
Offside (pensively stirring reindeer stew): Mmmm - so what IS Dog Fat?
Dear Reader,
we hope, with the aid of this virtual real-life scenario, to enlist your help in tackling some of the big issues facing top-level football today - ageism, sexism, slow-food fetischism, binge thinking, sheer greed and so on.
What do YOU think?
In the misty kitchen of our favourite hostelry, reindeer horns stick out of a giant boiling cauldron. A hatchet-faced, almost-Arsenic Pseuds XI boss (Offside) leans on the work bench, a bottle of absinthe beside him. Dressed in a bloody apron and chef’s hat, he expertly tests the sharpness of a meat cleaver. On the other side of the bench stands Greengrass in Santa Claus garb, nervously fumbling with his hat.
Offside: What can I do you for, GG?
Greengrass: Well, boss, it’s this Munni business...
Offside: Munni?
Greengrass: Yes, Munni. Here I am, the regular left-whinger in the Pseuds XI. That’s been my berth for years - never missed a game, except when I’ve been banned.
Offside: Oui - and...
Greengrass: Well, then this slip of a girl turns up and flashes her eyes at you, and you give her my place in the side. It’s not right, I mean...
Offside: GG, GG - take it easy. You’re not getting any younger, and I have to think about the future of the Pseuds XI. I just want to ease her into the squad, rotate her under your expert tutelage, sell a few shirts in Asia.
Greengrass: So I’m not being farmed out on loan to Accrington Stanley?
Offside: No way!
Greengrass: And I won’t be banished to the touchline with a sponge and some smelling salts and a little jar of Dog Fat ointment, ready to nip on and give her legs a rubbing if she gets hurt?
Offside (shudders): Dog above, no! As sure as Liverpool is the City of Culture (suddenly gets a frog in his throat and coughs it up, deftly slipping it into the cauldron) you will still be our main man on the left whinge. I’ll have Munni in the side for the Mickey Mouse Cup and a few games against the weaker teams.
Greengrass: I see.
Offside: Oui. I mean, if you insist on tiring yourself out by chasing 13-year-old Gooners all over the pitch, or if you’ve been away on international duty, you can go off to Bognor Regis for a weekend...
Greengrass: Blackpool, please!
Offside: ...or Blackpool. You can see the illuminations, gorge some cockles and candy floss, have a lie-in or two, get your fortune told, then come back to turn out in the big games - the Cup finals, the title deciders.
Greengrass: So I get to keep the number 11 jersey?
Offside: Oui.
Greengrass (leaving): Grand! Right - I’ll be off to get some training in, then. We’ve got a crib game tonight against the Wheel Tapirs. Will there be any grub on?
Offside (pensively stirring reindeer stew): Mmmm - so what IS Dog Fat?
Dear Reader,
we hope, with the aid of this virtual real-life scenario, to enlist your help in tackling some of the big issues facing top-level football today - ageism, sexism, slow-food fetischism, binge thinking, sheer greed and so on.
What do YOU think?
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Festive fatigue - Premcorrespondent
It seems fashionable nowadays for England's foreign imports to complain about the amount of football played in our sceptred isle over the Christmas period.
They come here - tempted by riches beyond the dreams of avarice - and then say they are cruelly parted from their families and made to play football.
Well, they should count themselves lucky. In the 11 days between December 22nd and January 2nd no Premier League player played more than four times - that's six hours or 360 minutes. In contrast, I have been forced to spend ten days, 240 hours or 14,400 minutes with the in-laws.
Cliff walks, dinners, breakfasts, lunches, coffees all accompanied by endless present exchanges with second cousin Ennis from Slapton, ex-sister-in-law Enid from Cullopmton, or Uncle Ned from Topsham and their broods - each infant thrusting out its grubby palm out in the expectation of "pwessies".
But there was - as ever - a bright side. Football, lovely, lovely football. 40 games. 122 goals.
Rather than take you thought the whole bally lot (and let's face it, sorting through cousin Ennis' sock draw for receipts to return his own interpretation of what a present should be is more appealing at the moment), I shall provide a team-by-team breakdown for the festive season.
Arsenal: points 10
A good Christmas for the Gunners. Two London derbies dispatched as if they were Derby, Everton swept aside, and the only points dropped against Pompey (the fourth draw in the last five games at Fratton Park for the Mr Wenger - and another joyous trip to the bookies resulting for your faithful correspondent).
But eight goals scored and only two conceded does not tell the full story. Against Everton, Spurs and Pompey the results could easily have gone the other way, and only once did Arsenal score in the first half (in their only comfortable win - against the Hammers).
Worryingly for the rest of the league, Eduardo and Adebayor have found form (with Bendtner chipping in) and a team that can successfully change things around while playing badly is the sort that wins things (see Chelsea in 04 and 05).
Arsenal come out of Christmas top, two points clear. They're going to win it aren't they...
Aston Villa: points 8
When Martin "I resemble a serial killer" O'Neil took over at Aston Villa I thought something might happen. A European Cup winner with Old Big Head as his manager. Making Leicester not only a Premier League fixture, but cup winners and then taking Celtic to multiple titles cups and a European final.
Finally it seemed the country's least ambitious "big" club had found the man to take them to success. And now things are happening in Brum.
Wins against Wigan and Spurs, and creditable draws away to Chelsea (well, 4-4 is more comedy than creditable) and top-4 club Man City, show real potential. Much like many of the young Englishmen in their side.
They're screwed aren't they? (7th in the table).
Birmingham: points 4
Mixed bag covers Birmingham's festive results about as well as a micro-skirt covers a hotel heiress getting out of a limo.
It all began very badly for those on the blue side of Brum, a 3-0 drubbing by fellow relegation candidates Bolton. Things then went from bad to almost exactly as good with a 3-0 drubbing of fellow relegation candidates Middlesbrough.
Having gone 1-0 down to fellow relegation candidates Fulham, they relaxed. In one of the most oft-quoted statistics of the year, Fulham have thrown away more leads than an incompetent dog-walker. At one point they were top of the table if the game lasted 45 mins and in the relegation zone at the end of 90. Needless to say Birmingham recovered from 0-1 down to draw 1-1.
Birmingham - having lost one, won one and drawn one without anyone noticing much - then proceeded to create the talking point of the festive season.
Losing 1-0 to Man U on New Year's Day was unremarkable, but Alex Ferguson getting annoyed about crowd noise in a routine victory has provoked comments every day since. Incidentally, St Andrew's - average decibels 122.7. Old Trafford, average decibels 117.5. Fergie should be quiet; the lack of atmosphere is more likely to unsettle opponents unused to it than his own players.
Birmingham finish two points and two places above the drop zone.
Blackburn: points 7
A good holiday period for a side looking like they are on the up (i.e. soon to hit the glass ceiling). And the way you make it to the top? Firepower. Santa Cruz and McCarthy are good at this and Bentley seems happy to supply ammunition.
A 1-0 win over Sunderland (McCarthy) a 2-1 over Derby (Santa Cruz and Bentley) might not have been too impressive - but were wins. By contrast the 2-2 away to the loud half of Manchester and a slender 0-1 defeat away to Chelsea were impressive performances - but yielded only one point.
Blackburn may be in 9th - but they are just three points of 6th and five behind Liverpool.
Bolton: points 6
Bolton's footballers, like Manchester's boxers, don't travel well.
Two good wins at home against Derby and Birmingham (any win is a good one when you have fewer points than fixtures played) were complimented by losses to Sunderland (plain embarrassing) and Everton (understandable).
Somehow - despite garnering just 20 points from 21 fixtures - Bolton are 14th in the table, three points from relegation, and have just lost their best player.
Chelsea: points 10.
Just when it seems to be a two horse race, Chelsea sneak a win here and a win there and, like Arnie in the Terminator, keep going forward. Despite crazy results like Boxing Day's game against Aston Villa (4-4 goals, 2-1 red cards), the team and its manager still possess all the charisma of a Terminator, which makes them easy to hate with your head (where the money comes from, how it's been spent, the impact on transfer fees etc) but hard to hate with your heart, as there just isn't enough there to get worked up about. I miss Jose.
The three wins came away at Blackburn and Fulham and at home to Newcastle, all by the single goal - Yawn. But in a turbulent season, they are just four points off Manchester United and six off Arsenal.
It's telling too that they have more points away from home than the other three of the Big Four, which shows that they have the stomach for the fight. Expect them to be closer to the top after 38 games than after 21, especially with Anelka filling an African Cup Of Nations shaped hole up front.
Derby: points 1.
Gone, Gone, Gone. But Paul Jewell is already making an impact, securing a point against a jammy Newcastle and succumbing to very late goals at home to Liverpool and away at Bolton.
Jewell's other match saw defeat by the odd goal at home to Blackburn (whose goals were scored by the Premier League's two form players over Christmas, Roque Santa Cruz and David Bentley). Jewell is already planning for the Championship 2009 and I expect him to do very well indeed in the second tier.
Cruel I know, and I wouldn't lose the Boxing Day match for the world, but with players visibly tired after so compressed a fixture list, would the Premier League be diminished by the absence of Derby (and, say, Fulham)? If that's the price for an 18 club League and 4 fewer fixtures with all that implies for the national team coach, the case is beginning to build
Everton: points 6.
Christmas revealed exactly where Everton stand: in the foyer, safe from the cold blast (and chip shop fires) outside, but not yet smartly turned out enough to be offered a seat in the Michelin starred restaurant.
At either end of the Christmas fixtures, Bolton and Middlesborough were despatched by two goals to nil with all the efficiency of an Audi cruising the empty motorways on Christmas Day. In between times, the Blues were more like Virgin Trains: things seemed to be going well vs Big Boys Manchester United and Arsenal, but all of a sudden the Pendolino Express had turned into a relief coach service and you were stuck behind an HGV somewhere near Spaghetti Junction, as United won 2-1 and the new Brazil won 1-4.
For that thank defensive errors by Pienaar vs Manchester United and Jagielka vs Arsenal, but, if truth be told, those clubs have better players and both will beat Everton 8 times out of 10. Everton are sixth which is about right.
Fulham: points 2.
For a man to look sound like Porky Pig may be regarded as a misfortune; to compound it by looking like Porky Pig appears careless. But Roy Hodgson has more than that on his mind as Fulham slip to 19th after a Christmas programme which brought just two points from draws at home to Wigan and away at Birmingham (those match-ups against fellow strugglers "count double" if you win them). Fellow Londoners, Chelsea and Tottenham, made it a miserable Christmas with a 5-1 walloping and a fortunate 1-2 victory, secured by the charming Michael Ballack's penalty after he went down "a little easily".
With two red cards (scary looking Haimar Bouazza and all-round nice guy Moritz Volz) further pressuring his thin squad, Porky has a lot of work to do if Fulham aren't to join Derby in getting detached in the basement.
Liverpool: points 8.
Read the Press recently? Hands up who thought Liverpool had a Ceausescuesque 1989 Christmas? Premcorr did, but there they are 8 points from 4 games and undefeated. But with the dream of a title fading for another season (how hollow are those t-shirts sported by Reds in 1991 with Terry Waite getting off a plane after his release from confinement saying, "What? The Mancs still haven't won the League.") Disquiet grows at Anfield.
The Christmas matches showed exactly why Liverpool are good enough to secure another CL qualifying place, but not good enough for the title, with an easy 4-1 seeing off of top half Pompey, a late goal to secure all three points against doomed Derby and draws against Sven's City and Wigan Athletic FFS. Again goals were a problem, with only Gerrard and Benayoun chipping in to support Torres.
Liverpool finish the period in fifth with a game in hand on fourth place Manchester City. Rafa is a medium term Torres injury away from Liverpool's worst season since the 7th place finish in 1999.
Manchester City: points 6
I always said seedy Sven was a genius - I remember it distinctly. Just like I've been banging on about the genius of Elano for years and saying how underrated he is and that he should be at a top-four side. Just like the rest of the footballing intelligencia.
City come through Christmas undefeated, despite games against three top sides and Newcastle. Draws with Liverpool, Blackburm and Villa were creditable, and showed a reliance that will stand them in good stead later on.
But that also explains why he never cut it as an England manager. Let's face it, three draws out of four games whenever facing a half-decent side was one more than was needed to knock England out of three tournaments. Only Pompey, Liverpool and Fulham have drawn more, If we had penalty shoot outs in the league expect City to be 8th. As it stands they are 4th. Only West Ham and Blackburn have a worse goal difference in the top half.
Manchester United: points 9
Every single year people look at what happened last season and predict that the same thing will happen again. Unless a team is hit by injuries (under performs) or buys in star names (will perform better). So Man U will logically win the league - just like Chelsea did last season and Arsenal went undefeated in 2005.
The problem with predicting success for the successful is that you are right more often than you are wrong, so generally have no idea why you are right and don't understand what's going on when it goes wrong. And yes, I am looking at you Lawro.
9 points is a decent return for Man U - but they were unconvincing against Birmingham, sneaked past Everton, and lost to West Ham. At the same time last year they won the league as an injury-hit Chelsea underperformed. Chelsea and Arsenal out-scored them this year. They are second in the table, they won't finish higher than that.
Middlesbrough: points 3
It is entirely possible Middlesbrough only exist in the minds of other clubs, and this Christmas was not exception.
They were a mere adjunct to the results of others according to most pundits. Everton's 2-0 defeat of them helped the blues edge closer to Europe, Birmingham's 3-0 victory against them moved them out of the relegation zone. West Ham's Ashton and Parker helped state their England credentials while beating them 2-0. And Portsmouth collapsed to a rare home defeat, denting their chances of getting a Uefa spot against them.
I would tell you they finished the festive season 15th - but let's be honest here, no one's reading this, you all skipped ahead to Newcastle.
Newcastle: points 1.
A triple helping of Christmas defeat cost Big Sam his job. Wigan on Boxing Day, Man City on New Years Day, and Chelsea in between all feasted on the black and white carcass. Drawing with Derby didn't help much either.
Plenty of money, international stars on the pitch, a new owner, and nothing changes. So the pragmatic miracle worker at Bolton went the way of the England, Barca, and Ipswich Legend. The same way as the Liverpool and Blackburn legend. And the same way as all others who have taken the job.
So Santa, another new manager? Or how about we check that list and move them to naughty from nice?
Newcastle are in 11th.
Portsmouth: points 4
Soon to be managerless Pompey had a mid-table Christmas.
A win at Reading, a home draw against Arsenal and away defeat to Liverpool. A 1-0 home loss to Boro emphasised the fact that while they can be good on their day, they don't have the consistency to really challenge for much in the league.
8th is about right, but they could freefall with the wrong man in charge. That said, there is not a lot of evidence the man they have in charge is any more than good enough to keep most sides in the top half of the table.
Reading: points 4
Reading are busy playing neat tidy football, comfortably above the relegation zone and nowhere near the European places.
So really, their fans are paying to watch pointless football.
But then if that's the position you are going to find yourself in you want to have fun doing it. 6-4. That'll cover it. A win against Sunderland and a draw away to West Ham and a loss to Pompey were the other results. But let's be honest here, the only one anyone remotely noticed was SIX-FOUR at Spurs.
I sometimes with I was a Reading fan.
Sunderland: points 3
Roy Keane likes to kick things, if he can't get a shot at opponents' legs as a manager it's chairs. The problem is, no matter how afraid of him the player are, most are simply not quite good enough.
Sunderland lost to Blackburn narrowly, Reading narrowly, Man U heavily and beat Bolton comfortably.
Three points from four games is relegation form, and the team finds itself in 18th. But the Maccums may well be saved this season due to the poverty of skill in the bottom half of the table. Sunderland may be in 18th, but there are four teams three points or fewer ahead of them. In fact the whole bottom half of the table is within three games of being in the relegation zone.
Tottenham: points 6
While Ramos was in Spain pundits prized one bet above all else. His games involved more than four goals so often that the occasional loss to the bookie meant nothing.
This Christmas the gift that keeps on giving is at Spurs. Five-one against managerless Fulham was a post-Christmas warm up that helped dull the pain of Robbie Keane's messed penalty in a 2-1 defeat to Arsenal. But there could be no preparation for the big Reading shaped package with the gold ribbon on and a post mark from Bulgaria.
Four goals for both Reading and Berbatov, along with one each from Malbranque and Defoe gave everyone a delight that still had heads spinning when the Lilywhites lost 2-1 to Villa on New Year's Day. Six points from nine is better than the old sock Spurs fans normally get.
Spurs are 12th, one place behind Newcastle.
West Ham: points 7
The Hammers are doing quite nicely for themselves, which is odd, because their players are anything but.
A team with Bellamy, Bowyer and Dyer is not one to be easily loved. Throw in an underwear model (Ljungberg) a Ferdinand brother and an Australian earning £70,000 a week, a foreign millionaire owner funding all the largess and a fan base known for a certain streak of nastiness and it's hard to see why they aren't hated more.
But they're not, and despite a Christmas fixture list containing Arsenal and Man U, they come away with seven points. Well, let's face it, they always beat Man U so that was no surprise. Neither was loss in the Emirates or a win at Boro. The Draw with Reading was more of a surprise.
West Ham are 10th and they should finish in the top half.
Wigan: points 5
Wigan have had a good Christmas under their new manager. But they needed one.
Five points was the second best return in the bottom half of the table, and means they climber out of the relegation zone (albeit on goal difference).
A draw against Liverpool a win against Newcastle and a draw against Fulham are where the points came from. And a 2-1 loss to Villa is hardly a bad result.
It seems making Mario Melchiot captain and Emile Heskey and Kevin Kilbane joint vice captain is what you need to do. Oh, and Titus Bramble scoring against Villa and then again at Anfield helped.
Wigan are 17th on goal difference, on this form they could end up a lot higher.
They come here - tempted by riches beyond the dreams of avarice - and then say they are cruelly parted from their families and made to play football.
Well, they should count themselves lucky. In the 11 days between December 22nd and January 2nd no Premier League player played more than four times - that's six hours or 360 minutes. In contrast, I have been forced to spend ten days, 240 hours or 14,400 minutes with the in-laws.
Cliff walks, dinners, breakfasts, lunches, coffees all accompanied by endless present exchanges with second cousin Ennis from Slapton, ex-sister-in-law Enid from Cullopmton, or Uncle Ned from Topsham and their broods - each infant thrusting out its grubby palm out in the expectation of "pwessies".
But there was - as ever - a bright side. Football, lovely, lovely football. 40 games. 122 goals.
Rather than take you thought the whole bally lot (and let's face it, sorting through cousin Ennis' sock draw for receipts to return his own interpretation of what a present should be is more appealing at the moment), I shall provide a team-by-team breakdown for the festive season.
Arsenal: points 10
A good Christmas for the Gunners. Two London derbies dispatched as if they were Derby, Everton swept aside, and the only points dropped against Pompey (the fourth draw in the last five games at Fratton Park for the Mr Wenger - and another joyous trip to the bookies resulting for your faithful correspondent).
But eight goals scored and only two conceded does not tell the full story. Against Everton, Spurs and Pompey the results could easily have gone the other way, and only once did Arsenal score in the first half (in their only comfortable win - against the Hammers).
Worryingly for the rest of the league, Eduardo and Adebayor have found form (with Bendtner chipping in) and a team that can successfully change things around while playing badly is the sort that wins things (see Chelsea in 04 and 05).
Arsenal come out of Christmas top, two points clear. They're going to win it aren't they...
Aston Villa: points 8
When Martin "I resemble a serial killer" O'Neil took over at Aston Villa I thought something might happen. A European Cup winner with Old Big Head as his manager. Making Leicester not only a Premier League fixture, but cup winners and then taking Celtic to multiple titles cups and a European final.
Finally it seemed the country's least ambitious "big" club had found the man to take them to success. And now things are happening in Brum.
Wins against Wigan and Spurs, and creditable draws away to Chelsea (well, 4-4 is more comedy than creditable) and top-4 club Man City, show real potential. Much like many of the young Englishmen in their side.
They're screwed aren't they? (7th in the table).
Birmingham: points 4
Mixed bag covers Birmingham's festive results about as well as a micro-skirt covers a hotel heiress getting out of a limo.
It all began very badly for those on the blue side of Brum, a 3-0 drubbing by fellow relegation candidates Bolton. Things then went from bad to almost exactly as good with a 3-0 drubbing of fellow relegation candidates Middlesbrough.
Having gone 1-0 down to fellow relegation candidates Fulham, they relaxed. In one of the most oft-quoted statistics of the year, Fulham have thrown away more leads than an incompetent dog-walker. At one point they were top of the table if the game lasted 45 mins and in the relegation zone at the end of 90. Needless to say Birmingham recovered from 0-1 down to draw 1-1.
Birmingham - having lost one, won one and drawn one without anyone noticing much - then proceeded to create the talking point of the festive season.
Losing 1-0 to Man U on New Year's Day was unremarkable, but Alex Ferguson getting annoyed about crowd noise in a routine victory has provoked comments every day since. Incidentally, St Andrew's - average decibels 122.7. Old Trafford, average decibels 117.5. Fergie should be quiet; the lack of atmosphere is more likely to unsettle opponents unused to it than his own players.
Birmingham finish two points and two places above the drop zone.
Blackburn: points 7
A good holiday period for a side looking like they are on the up (i.e. soon to hit the glass ceiling). And the way you make it to the top? Firepower. Santa Cruz and McCarthy are good at this and Bentley seems happy to supply ammunition.
A 1-0 win over Sunderland (McCarthy) a 2-1 over Derby (Santa Cruz and Bentley) might not have been too impressive - but were wins. By contrast the 2-2 away to the loud half of Manchester and a slender 0-1 defeat away to Chelsea were impressive performances - but yielded only one point.
Blackburn may be in 9th - but they are just three points of 6th and five behind Liverpool.
Bolton: points 6
Bolton's footballers, like Manchester's boxers, don't travel well.
Two good wins at home against Derby and Birmingham (any win is a good one when you have fewer points than fixtures played) were complimented by losses to Sunderland (plain embarrassing) and Everton (understandable).
Somehow - despite garnering just 20 points from 21 fixtures - Bolton are 14th in the table, three points from relegation, and have just lost their best player.
Chelsea: points 10.
Just when it seems to be a two horse race, Chelsea sneak a win here and a win there and, like Arnie in the Terminator, keep going forward. Despite crazy results like Boxing Day's game against Aston Villa (4-4 goals, 2-1 red cards), the team and its manager still possess all the charisma of a Terminator, which makes them easy to hate with your head (where the money comes from, how it's been spent, the impact on transfer fees etc) but hard to hate with your heart, as there just isn't enough there to get worked up about. I miss Jose.
The three wins came away at Blackburn and Fulham and at home to Newcastle, all by the single goal - Yawn. But in a turbulent season, they are just four points off Manchester United and six off Arsenal.
It's telling too that they have more points away from home than the other three of the Big Four, which shows that they have the stomach for the fight. Expect them to be closer to the top after 38 games than after 21, especially with Anelka filling an African Cup Of Nations shaped hole up front.
Derby: points 1.
Gone, Gone, Gone. But Paul Jewell is already making an impact, securing a point against a jammy Newcastle and succumbing to very late goals at home to Liverpool and away at Bolton.
Jewell's other match saw defeat by the odd goal at home to Blackburn (whose goals were scored by the Premier League's two form players over Christmas, Roque Santa Cruz and David Bentley). Jewell is already planning for the Championship 2009 and I expect him to do very well indeed in the second tier.
Cruel I know, and I wouldn't lose the Boxing Day match for the world, but with players visibly tired after so compressed a fixture list, would the Premier League be diminished by the absence of Derby (and, say, Fulham)? If that's the price for an 18 club League and 4 fewer fixtures with all that implies for the national team coach, the case is beginning to build
Everton: points 6.
Christmas revealed exactly where Everton stand: in the foyer, safe from the cold blast (and chip shop fires) outside, but not yet smartly turned out enough to be offered a seat in the Michelin starred restaurant.
At either end of the Christmas fixtures, Bolton and Middlesborough were despatched by two goals to nil with all the efficiency of an Audi cruising the empty motorways on Christmas Day. In between times, the Blues were more like Virgin Trains: things seemed to be going well vs Big Boys Manchester United and Arsenal, but all of a sudden the Pendolino Express had turned into a relief coach service and you were stuck behind an HGV somewhere near Spaghetti Junction, as United won 2-1 and the new Brazil won 1-4.
For that thank defensive errors by Pienaar vs Manchester United and Jagielka vs Arsenal, but, if truth be told, those clubs have better players and both will beat Everton 8 times out of 10. Everton are sixth which is about right.
Fulham: points 2.
For a man to look sound like Porky Pig may be regarded as a misfortune; to compound it by looking like Porky Pig appears careless. But Roy Hodgson has more than that on his mind as Fulham slip to 19th after a Christmas programme which brought just two points from draws at home to Wigan and away at Birmingham (those match-ups against fellow strugglers "count double" if you win them). Fellow Londoners, Chelsea and Tottenham, made it a miserable Christmas with a 5-1 walloping and a fortunate 1-2 victory, secured by the charming Michael Ballack's penalty after he went down "a little easily".
With two red cards (scary looking Haimar Bouazza and all-round nice guy Moritz Volz) further pressuring his thin squad, Porky has a lot of work to do if Fulham aren't to join Derby in getting detached in the basement.
Liverpool: points 8.
Read the Press recently? Hands up who thought Liverpool had a Ceausescuesque 1989 Christmas? Premcorr did, but there they are 8 points from 4 games and undefeated. But with the dream of a title fading for another season (how hollow are those t-shirts sported by Reds in 1991 with Terry Waite getting off a plane after his release from confinement saying, "What? The Mancs still haven't won the League.") Disquiet grows at Anfield.
The Christmas matches showed exactly why Liverpool are good enough to secure another CL qualifying place, but not good enough for the title, with an easy 4-1 seeing off of top half Pompey, a late goal to secure all three points against doomed Derby and draws against Sven's City and Wigan Athletic FFS. Again goals were a problem, with only Gerrard and Benayoun chipping in to support Torres.
Liverpool finish the period in fifth with a game in hand on fourth place Manchester City. Rafa is a medium term Torres injury away from Liverpool's worst season since the 7th place finish in 1999.
Manchester City: points 6
I always said seedy Sven was a genius - I remember it distinctly. Just like I've been banging on about the genius of Elano for years and saying how underrated he is and that he should be at a top-four side. Just like the rest of the footballing intelligencia.
City come through Christmas undefeated, despite games against three top sides and Newcastle. Draws with Liverpool, Blackburm and Villa were creditable, and showed a reliance that will stand them in good stead later on.
But that also explains why he never cut it as an England manager. Let's face it, three draws out of four games whenever facing a half-decent side was one more than was needed to knock England out of three tournaments. Only Pompey, Liverpool and Fulham have drawn more, If we had penalty shoot outs in the league expect City to be 8th. As it stands they are 4th. Only West Ham and Blackburn have a worse goal difference in the top half.
Manchester United: points 9
Every single year people look at what happened last season and predict that the same thing will happen again. Unless a team is hit by injuries (under performs) or buys in star names (will perform better). So Man U will logically win the league - just like Chelsea did last season and Arsenal went undefeated in 2005.
The problem with predicting success for the successful is that you are right more often than you are wrong, so generally have no idea why you are right and don't understand what's going on when it goes wrong. And yes, I am looking at you Lawro.
9 points is a decent return for Man U - but they were unconvincing against Birmingham, sneaked past Everton, and lost to West Ham. At the same time last year they won the league as an injury-hit Chelsea underperformed. Chelsea and Arsenal out-scored them this year. They are second in the table, they won't finish higher than that.
Middlesbrough: points 3
It is entirely possible Middlesbrough only exist in the minds of other clubs, and this Christmas was not exception.
They were a mere adjunct to the results of others according to most pundits. Everton's 2-0 defeat of them helped the blues edge closer to Europe, Birmingham's 3-0 victory against them moved them out of the relegation zone. West Ham's Ashton and Parker helped state their England credentials while beating them 2-0. And Portsmouth collapsed to a rare home defeat, denting their chances of getting a Uefa spot against them.
I would tell you they finished the festive season 15th - but let's be honest here, no one's reading this, you all skipped ahead to Newcastle.
Newcastle: points 1.
A triple helping of Christmas defeat cost Big Sam his job. Wigan on Boxing Day, Man City on New Years Day, and Chelsea in between all feasted on the black and white carcass. Drawing with Derby didn't help much either.
Plenty of money, international stars on the pitch, a new owner, and nothing changes. So the pragmatic miracle worker at Bolton went the way of the England, Barca, and Ipswich Legend. The same way as the Liverpool and Blackburn legend. And the same way as all others who have taken the job.
So Santa, another new manager? Or how about we check that list and move them to naughty from nice?
Newcastle are in 11th.
Portsmouth: points 4
Soon to be managerless Pompey had a mid-table Christmas.
A win at Reading, a home draw against Arsenal and away defeat to Liverpool. A 1-0 home loss to Boro emphasised the fact that while they can be good on their day, they don't have the consistency to really challenge for much in the league.
8th is about right, but they could freefall with the wrong man in charge. That said, there is not a lot of evidence the man they have in charge is any more than good enough to keep most sides in the top half of the table.
Reading: points 4
Reading are busy playing neat tidy football, comfortably above the relegation zone and nowhere near the European places.
So really, their fans are paying to watch pointless football.
But then if that's the position you are going to find yourself in you want to have fun doing it. 6-4. That'll cover it. A win against Sunderland and a draw away to West Ham and a loss to Pompey were the other results. But let's be honest here, the only one anyone remotely noticed was SIX-FOUR at Spurs.
I sometimes with I was a Reading fan.
Sunderland: points 3
Roy Keane likes to kick things, if he can't get a shot at opponents' legs as a manager it's chairs. The problem is, no matter how afraid of him the player are, most are simply not quite good enough.
Sunderland lost to Blackburn narrowly, Reading narrowly, Man U heavily and beat Bolton comfortably.
Three points from four games is relegation form, and the team finds itself in 18th. But the Maccums may well be saved this season due to the poverty of skill in the bottom half of the table. Sunderland may be in 18th, but there are four teams three points or fewer ahead of them. In fact the whole bottom half of the table is within three games of being in the relegation zone.
Tottenham: points 6
While Ramos was in Spain pundits prized one bet above all else. His games involved more than four goals so often that the occasional loss to the bookie meant nothing.
This Christmas the gift that keeps on giving is at Spurs. Five-one against managerless Fulham was a post-Christmas warm up that helped dull the pain of Robbie Keane's messed penalty in a 2-1 defeat to Arsenal. But there could be no preparation for the big Reading shaped package with the gold ribbon on and a post mark from Bulgaria.
Four goals for both Reading and Berbatov, along with one each from Malbranque and Defoe gave everyone a delight that still had heads spinning when the Lilywhites lost 2-1 to Villa on New Year's Day. Six points from nine is better than the old sock Spurs fans normally get.
Spurs are 12th, one place behind Newcastle.
West Ham: points 7
The Hammers are doing quite nicely for themselves, which is odd, because their players are anything but.
A team with Bellamy, Bowyer and Dyer is not one to be easily loved. Throw in an underwear model (Ljungberg) a Ferdinand brother and an Australian earning £70,000 a week, a foreign millionaire owner funding all the largess and a fan base known for a certain streak of nastiness and it's hard to see why they aren't hated more.
But they're not, and despite a Christmas fixture list containing Arsenal and Man U, they come away with seven points. Well, let's face it, they always beat Man U so that was no surprise. Neither was loss in the Emirates or a win at Boro. The Draw with Reading was more of a surprise.
West Ham are 10th and they should finish in the top half.
Wigan: points 5
Wigan have had a good Christmas under their new manager. But they needed one.
Five points was the second best return in the bottom half of the table, and means they climber out of the relegation zone (albeit on goal difference).
A draw against Liverpool a win against Newcastle and a draw against Fulham are where the points came from. And a 2-1 loss to Villa is hardly a bad result.
It seems making Mario Melchiot captain and Emile Heskey and Kevin Kilbane joint vice captain is what you need to do. Oh, and Titus Bramble scoring against Villa and then again at Anfield helped.
Wigan are 17th on goal difference, on this form they could end up a lot higher.
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