Well, now we know. After 380 games, 35,000 odd minutes this year and over more than 10 seasons - it is official. Derby are the worst team to ever play in the top flight.
They mustered a meagre 20 goals all season, while conceding nine more than Man U scored. More damning still, they won just one game. Cloughie must be spinning on his celestial bar stool.
So poor are they that Reading, needing an 8-0 away win to avoid relegation themselves, could reasonably entertain the prospect. Sadly for men of the Madejski stadium they only managed four.
Birmingham, despite an impressive 4-1 win against a more than able Blackburn side, join Reading and Derby in the Championship next season. Their players will now cross the Midlands and join West Brom's relegation dogfight for next season.
Fulham won the final day up of the relegation battle, more through luck than design, as they were facing the favourites for the FA Cup – who for the first time in years were mid-table nobodies and had nothing to play for. A 1-0 win against Pompey reserves keeps them in the top flight for another season and the first team in caviar and Viagra for the summer at least.
In the race for that all important "best of the rest" fifth place, Everton triumphed thanks to a 3-1 win over Newcastle. Keegan, no doubt, is currently penning a rant about the unbelievable boringness of a top five that is set in stone and demanding £300 million in transfer money to try and break into it.
West Ham finish a creditable 10th (despite spending the proverbial £300 million on players of proven Champions League form such as Belamy, Parker and Ljungberg), drawing 2-2 with "second best of the rest" Aston Villa.
The result of the day has to go to the troubled Teesiders at Boro, with an 8-1 romp against Man City. Once Richard Dunne had been sent off, this fit and proper team decided to tackle no one all game to try and hold onto their back door into Europe via the fair play league. Alfosno Alves, confronted with the marking he was used to in Holland, proceeded to score a hat-trick, Downing knocked two in and even Aliadiere managed to net for the reds.
Arsenal rounded off their season with a 1-0 thrashing of Sunderland, Sunderland were already safe and the Gunners had secured Champions League football for their sparkly new stadium for the next year at least. Maccums can look forward to a summer Roy Keane will spend hunting the fields of Ireland and Mellwood for new recruits, while Arsene Wenger will live up to his reputation as an Alsacian and patrol the grounds of the Emirates attacking anyone carrying a chequebook.
Liverpool gave Spurs a lesson in the ways they need to improve to break into the upper echelons of the league. Buy Torres and care about the result even slightly. A 2-0 win sees the reds finish 11 points clear of the rest of the pack and lets them try and qualify for the group stages of the Champions league.
I'm now off to bathe in an ice-bath to try and prepare myself for the summer of implacable rain that will surely follow this sunny May.
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109 comments:
Premco,
please don't get your brain frozen by surrounding up your season in an ice-bath, we need more of your insights next season.
Thanks for the threat.
Premco promises to be back, for at least one more post, to round up the season - team by team.
Alas Spurs really didn't much care about the result. The biggest noise of the day came when Keane was awarded the fans' player of the season as the team came out to parade our cup.
Every final day of the season, I kick myself for not wagering £5 on ten impossible results at 100/1. You always get a version of 8-1, the trouble is covering the possibilities (and I wouldn't have picked that, though I might have gone with 0-4+ for Derby vs Reading at, what, 33s?)
I'm looking forward to the round-up PremCorr.
premcorr,
thanks for a good season!
Nice to see you keeping your cool all the way - I thought for a fleeting moment you might be about to mention Manchester United...
Thanks Prem - always good for yet another way of untangling and still not understanding the details of the ups and downs of the marginers.
Still I've enjoyed the ramblings and the many fun pieces but to be honest, I still don't understand the importance of where a team ends up if they are not one of us.
And I don't understand the awfulness at the bottom! Did Reading go down? Does it matter?
Garglegarglegargle *spit*
Well done, gg, I'm pleased for you. Genuinely.
Mimi,
of course Reading matters, as do Riting and Rithmetic.
offy,
(wiping face clean of frogspit) Gee, thanks!
Er, having cooled off suitably I should point out that any mention of a certain so-called top two would only encourage them.
I, grudgingly, post this as a good summation of the events I might have neglected to mention.
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport/sport-headlines/millionaires-win-stuff-20080512945/
no, seriously. OK, there are very few end-of-game sights that I prefer to C Ronaldo bawling, but I am pleased for you, if not for him.
Does "bawling" mean "crying"? I thouhgt it did. Until I had a doubt.
offy,
"bawl" is more "cry out" than "cry", I think.
When I cried loudly just to get my way, my mother would say "Stop thi bawlin' - th'art gettin' nowt!"
"Take my hand, and dry your tears, babe
(...)
For its stupid to laugh and its useless to bawl
About a rusty tin can and an old hurley ball"
From http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yuy-viF-7Yw
Hence my unforgiveable linguistic confusion. That's what happens when you learn your English with Shane MacGowan.
I'll go put in a voluntary night shift at the Pakalolo Institute for pennance.
offy,
Jermaine Pennance?
Who, exactly, is wearing the night shift?
you may learn your english with my french accent but it will cost you a bundle.
Don't be disenheartened my linguistically-gifted French friend – bawling is frequently used for crying. However where a silent tear might slide down the face of a proud parent as their child heads off to big school for the first time, bawling typically implies a far more angry combination of sobs and screams – more typical of a tantruming two-year-old.
Does being "disenheartened" mean having your heart torn out? Or are yous all trying to confuse me?
It's my language, and I'll abuse it as I like.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=disenheartened
You can abuse any language you like, I've got my night shift on already (see-through, of course).
Good night!
Breakfast reading for tomorrow, Offie: about abusing words and such.
Maybe Cristiano should stop crying - I hear someone's offered 100 million for him!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcUmPbt0-ek
Look after the sense and the sounds will look after themselves. I just stumbled onto this page through the link Zeph posted. Lots of time to be wasted here .
Ebren, "typical of a tantruming two-year-old" - then it is the perfect word for what Cristiano does.
Zeph,
"Il était grilheure ; les slictueux toves
Gyraient sur l'alloinde et vriblaient...
Thanks.
Oh, very good. Especially 'slictueux', Christiano Ronaldo is pretty slictueux if you ask me.
Yeah, too much hair gel makes you slictueux. Not that I should know.
"the perfect word for what Cristiano does" is
"score".
To score slictueusement.
Football is almost over. Tonight will be strange here as there will not be a soul on the streets. Half the village has decamped to Glasgow, and the rest will be in the pub.
Happily, for some of us, this gives plenty of time for other sports. England "kick off" tomorrow at Lords for the first of three Tests against NZ, and the wonderful Mark Cavendish continues on in the Giro, having taken the stage win yesterday.
Time for you football diehards to open your minds and enjoy British success this summer. Doesn't matter you're not in Euro 2008 - there's lots to enjoy!
Hi all, hope you still remember me.....I'd like to congratulate professor greengrass for another manu trophy. It was very well deserved, and for the sake of positive attacking football I'm sincerly glad they won it and not Chelsea, so sincerly hope they win the champions as well.
Pipita,
thanks for congratulations and future
support - here's hoping Cristiano can slithy in a goal or three in Moscow!
Mimi,
are those 3 villagers in the pub watching the bike bloke or the Test previews? Are they Orange or Green? Will there be a fight?
mimi, you have to understand that football gives this blog some semblance of structure. It allows for at least a handful of sport-related comments before offie and gg begin their babbling. Now we face an entire summer of them egging each other on to ridiculous heights of meaninglessness.
If I didn't love them so much, I'd cut my eyes out.
Who's that bloke with the funny accent? No, not Andrew, the other one.
Ah greengrass, those chaps have read my latest at the other place and are wondering if I will wear the orange and lemon frock.
Ha- foiled them! I am wearing the pink frock. Specially purchased in a small town in Australia for a special person.
Who is no longer in my life, so I will wear my frock on Rangers night, to go to book group where we will be talking of the Biafran war.
Such is life.
Mimi -
Dog in Heaven, you really get about!
If there are 3 villagers in Glasgae and the other 3 are in the pub, who is left to admire your frock?
If I were there, I'd opt for the book group, particularly if the meetings are held in the pub.
Hey Offie
Suppose I'm "the other one" your referring to. Come to think of it, I certtainly must have a peculiar english accent. Was truly cockney until I was nine but then it kind of argentinized, so you can imagine......
gg,
I am reluctantly teaming-up with Pipita for the congratulatory message regarding manu-
ridiculous heights of meaninglessness....ha, ha, ha finally the truth came out, we are busted.
Hola Pipita, I think I do remember you after all. Glad you could drop by.
Do you know if the other Pipita (the French one) will be on Domenech's list for this summer?*
*(this is a sports-related comment to humour Andy).
Ha ha Offie I managed to call your attention after all this time, my tactic worked...As for the real pipita, dunno actually. I can ask his dad, pipa higuain, who usually plays five-a-side in the same sports center I play on wednesday evenings, therefore today. However, don't think his son even knows what a croissant is.......
Croissant? Yes please. Not quite lunchtime here so I could do with another breakfast. And a coffee break.
When do we get to read your update on the Argentine league?
pipita,
show the youngster a picture of a melon; if he says "Thierry!", he'll be fine.
guitou,
aw, thanks!
OK, lads & lasses, just off to explore the depths of meaningfulness: the barrel of Slith Prize Ale needs changing in the cellar, and Gretchen has kindly consented to give me a hand.
Offie, Guitou
Have a hunch I may have referred to this subject here before, but re croissants, I always thought they are somewhat overrated when compared to our medialuna. Don't mean to be chsauvinistic here, but I find our version much more tastier.
My argentine league update will depend on the fate of my beloved river plate in their last six matches. All the same, if things go wrong for us there, I'll try and come up with something else.
Hmm, if you'd like my informed opinion on medialunas, please send a box, nay, crate to:
offside
P.O box 3338
Temae, Teavaro
98728 Moorea
French Polynesia
Gracias
Hummmm don't think thats such a good idea offie...I mean, by the time they reach polynesia their crunchy essence will no doubt have vanished and they will taste all gumy instead, therefore the comparison with the french polynesian croissant will be unfair
Well, you could always come and visit and bring some with you. In which case, they will only be one day old, which is good enough to judge.
Dog, you've made me hungry now and Mrs O is not finished preparing the "poisson cru". It's a long morning...
Pipita you may stop by L.A on your way to moorea, i'll be happy to throw my two cents on the media luna-croissant contest.(objective
as always, of course).
Nice try, Guitou, but forget it, they're mine.
Now, now lads no need to fight over some medialunas. I suggest the both of you come over to Buenos Aires instead. We can go to the Cafe Tortoni and try out some medialunas "de manteca", or "de grasa" whilst we enjoy some late afternoon tango session. In the meantime here's a picture of the authentic argentine croisszant, or medialuna rather, so you can start getting the idea
http://fotosrecetas.blogspot.com/2006/08/medialunas.html
An even better picture of medialunas de manteca on this site. Can't seriously believe that there are in fact medialuna blogspots.....
http://www.arteyfotografia.com.ar/5083/fotos/62961/
Pipita, these pictures are just cruel. And at breakfast time, too. Sheer torture.
offie
Just imagine spreading some butter and jam on them, or even dipping them in a cup of coffee......
Hombre, no tienes verguenza?
Medialunas at Buenos Aires,not a bad idea offie,we could have a chance to go finally to a Bocca game, I am sure Pipita will join us as the perfect host he can be.
Vergüenza?? Pourquoi mon ami?? Its common practice here to wet medialunas in one's coffee...
"Bocca game", very funny Guitou,you'll have to coordinate that with Marcela...or probably you are referring to our most well known ballet dancer Julio Bocca
Pourquoi? For making me drool all over my keyboard, voilà pourquoi.
I'm not going to ballet, and that's final.
Okay offie, I'll relieve you from that. Guitou can watch the ballet, and I'll take you to a River game instead
offie, even this ballet?
http://www.spiegel.de/fotostrecke/0,5538,PB64-SUQ9Mjg2MTgmbnI9OQ_3_3,00.html
Deal.
I'm up for the tango, though (to watch and listen, not to dance).
munni, this one probably even less, but thanks for the invitation all the same.
Munni
I'd be the one on the stretcher
Offie
Same here, watching tango dancing pretty much bores me, let alone attempt to dance it myself...
Pshhh - tango's great to dance. WAY better than foxtrot, jive, waltz, or quickstep.
Salsa confuses me. Never tried ballet.
Although it's been a while since I've done anything except the "bounce around like a lunatic" or the "walk around slowly holding onto each other". So things might have moved on since my day.
Ahhhha so Lord Ebren turns out to be a tango dancer!!!!I say...You definetly should come over to the pampas then. I share your rejection for salsa, I had the misfortune to study in england when almost everyone there became convinced that it was the coolest thing. Caribbeans and Colombian students became tremendously popular
Anyone got filmic evidence of Lord Ebren bouncing around like a lunatic?
Please?
In an advanced stage of inebriation, preferably. Shouldn't be too hard to find.
Please?
what shall we do now the football's over...??
zeph, i actually decided to post a comment because your link to the master among masters, monsieur carroll is most lovely.
but great to see that the globalization of the medialuna is taking over and that pipita still believes river may... oh, never mind.
i join him in congratulating our mufc friends - maybe more congratulations will still be due their way next week.
and for those who didn't win this season... i guess there's always next season, eh.
round and round
Marcela,
what do you mean, the football is over? It's about to begin for good.
on the island they don't like to talk about what they're not involved in... :)
oh. you mean the argentina squad in the olympics. of course. it's only just beginning.
before is after. the circle game... efectivamente just as i said
Hopefully a tremor from the Tibetan plateau will raze the Olympic Stadium to the ground. Material damages only, of course, I wouldn't want anyone to get hurt.
Tibet rocks!
my internet connection, my phone line and now my satellite doggamit have all been on the blink for the past three days. only got some of it fixed this pm so have gone slightly manic on-line. now i know that off-line can just go on and on every little window of opportunity counts.
orsay, my friend, i must depart now, but if you have not already done so would you check out the little film i posted on mimi-s pome in Other Stuff. it's a gem and it won't corrupt your machinery.
croissants de grasa for all in the morning, i'm sure. football rocks
PS pipita: did you notice carlitos had an argentina flag wrapped around his neck as a premiership celebration? i was on air with victor hugo talking about the season and forgot to mention that rather charming touch... wondered if much was made of it.
carlitos rocks:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6RaAe2zi6A
Marcela,
I well understand your error; our Carlo was in fact celebrating his birthplace, Salford, by wearing the flag of the Lower Broughton Liberation Front.
pipita,
I am so naive, thinking that you could join Offside and myself to a wonderful visit at the bonbonera, cheer Palermo, buy few Bocca souvenirs and paraphinelias, that was a real thrill. May be a picture of the three of us wearing Bocca's jersey at last ?
aaah.....we'll never forget.
ps,
gg just emailed, he would be willing to join the party. The 4 of us wearing the be the best of the world team jersey! I bet Marcela is willing to get the photo autographed by Diego for an added value. C'mon Pipita.
Don't tempt me guys - I have 11 days of holiday to take before June 31...
best time to tango Ebren.
I fear my tangoing days are behind me (with the exception of the odd fizzy drink).
My partner was the only reason I looked competent, and realising she was far too good for me, moved to Glasgow.
I am reliably informed it had nothing to do with the incident when I finally got into her bedroom only for her to throw up - killing the mood as effectively as a parent walking in carrying a life-size poster of Maggie Thatcher.
wake up Maggie I think I got something to say to you,
you stole my heart and my tango dancer,
I'm all alone in my pseud's corner.
That's a heartbreaking tale, Ebren. here's a quiet thoughtful song for you...
Marcelita querida how nice to encounter you here again!!Off course I saw Carlitos with the argie flag at Wigan. In spite of his bostero past I'm all admiration for him at the moment...Were you really on the radio with VH?? I sense the level of homsickness you are at present experiencing with my sole mention of the medialuna. Get the franchutes and comandante atahualpa GG, and why not tango man lord ebren as well, to come over here. I'll even go with you to the effing bombonera...See how open minded I am Guitou......
Ebren, that's very sad.
Marcela, that clip rocks. Carlitos looks about 12 years old and completely out of his depth, I want to hug him.
Offie, I'm not about to get political in the taproom, but the Olympics may ironically be a good thing for Tibet, lots of media attention making it harder for rest-of-world to ignore the situation, etc.
guitou,
either someone has mailed masquerading as my good self, or you are the very best kind of liar - the kind that lies to make life better.
If we are into a virtual gathering, I'm in! If it's for real, can't be sure: Elvis gigs might get in the way, and I'm not certain I would survive a tango with Marcelita in warm climes, so equatorial Buenos Aires could be the death of me.
What a way to go!
gg, right now we're heading into the depths of winter down here, so there's a small chance you'll survive.
If we're planning a trip to Buenos Aires, can we have it during the local summer? For one thing, the evenings are longer, and the other thing is, I don't actually own any clothes... or shoes.
Exactly camarada atahualpa gg, it's practically winter time here now, usually get 0 to 12 celsisus during june-august period, so no excuses for you. Plus, your Elvis thing might attract decent crowds here. We've got a couple of argentine Beatles covers groups who manage to attract crowds of three/four thousand...You can't chicken out
Pipita,
I am impressed,
the plan is to book gg for an Elvis gigs during half-time-at the bonbonera-
Liar moi? must be an impersonator of Elvis impersonator who emailed,
probably File, again.
BTW - i may know when i've been tangoed but i don't actually tango myself...
so pipita is your dancing partner, all of you. i will be found in the terraces of the bombonera (la doce) with a coffee and a croissant and a fag.
local summer. why cross the atlantic in search of cold rain when london offers it so readily all year round?
munni, glad you enjoyed the clip. doesn't he look like he doesn't even know the words?
orsay - "don't own any clothes..." c'mon. who you trying to fool? we know you own at least one high quality cotton t-shirt :)
Guitou
Fantastic idea. I suggest GG adopt an appropriate bandname for the ocasion, something like "La Elvis pastoverde band" and he can appear on stage wearing swedish flag motiffs, which after all are the origin of Boca's ghastly stip.
Marce
Dancing partner moi?? Like hell I will...Anyway, thanks for relieving me from the bombonera excursion. No, I suggest I take the Pseuds gang on a tour of tango clubs such as La Viruta, Bar Canning, El Sunderland, etc, but no dancing please
Well, let me put it this way, I'm not facing the Buenos Aires winter in a cotton t-shirt, loincloth and flip-flops.
Although the flip-flops are good for tap(room) dancing.
bailando tango,here we go again, Carlos Gardel or Astor Piazzola must be going nuts in their grave. Marcela and Pipita why you don't join me for a last tango in Paris ?
I was tempted to post the clip, but
it's too early.
Well, probably "la elvis pastoverde band" should actually stage a warm-up gig before the bombonera show. I think this tango club might be an ideal venue for that
http://www.torito.nl/tango/fotos/buenosaires/milongas/sunderland/index.html
Please click on Sunderland
offie,
I have an old indian blanket in my garage, reversible too and by night you may sleep in it;
Zeph,
I had a look at that clip you posted for Ebren, the music is unbearable. How do you even know about this?
gg playing at Sunderland? I say that's a guaranteed three - nil win for the away side.
Offie
No, not playing at sunderland, gg would be playing at El sunderland
Pipita,
Thanks, great site of Tango places-
La Tangera , the show, is having a big success here in Paris.
La Catedral looks nice, I like the old floorboards. La trastienda tambien, and one of those outdoor ones.
So, that's the tango clubs sorted. Now, restaurants and bars...
Glad you liked those tango places Guito, Im sure you'd enjoy visiting them. Suppose you checked out "La Ideal" which in fact reminds me quite a bit of the cafe where they shot the last scene of Last Tango, nest pas??
ahh... the golden gone days of trottoirs. tango in paris indeed.
pipita - thank dog for public internet forums, eh? how else would we ever communicate :) do please cast a glance at your e-mails before you leave the office though as i am typing huge request for information right now.
offie in his loin cloth, almost brings back as many memories as the trottoir days.
would the pseuds gang tangoing in buenos aires be a bit like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjvB3tKX1_I
or more like this i wonder:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSJ92YnxOPo&feature=related
Offie, were can I start....Here go a few of my personal preferences
restaurants
Steak: Munich Recoleta, La Dorita, Rioalba, Happening
Pasta: Il Materello, La Parolaccia, Guido's
Lamb: Oviedo
Pizza: La Guitarrita, Filo, Guerin, Banchero
Bars
El Tortoni
Confitería Ideal
La Biela
Las Violetas
Marcelita
Check your mails...First clip you sent is really nice
Offie - you didn't like that music? I thought the hairstyle was... interesting.
Here are Lord Ebren's special bodyguards in training.
Thanks for that clip, Zeph. Was feeling a bit melancholy tonight and watching that reminded me of this: which cheered me up no end
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8W9sQJaAdM
And even more cheered when searching youtube for "my" Michael Clark" the ballet dancer, turned up this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCHjNj6lF_4
Love it!
pipita,
medialuna si, sylvina luna si, si, si.
Thanks for the clip, Zeph - having seen that, I finally understand the offside rule.
Dog above, Pipita, is it really that cold in Argentina around then?
I'm mini gapping in South America late June to August, I think I might have to find a better sleeping bag... though will be mainly further north so warmer in theory.
Is weird associating north and warmth!
Ah Pasta - you are getting the picture. Today north was warm and sunny and south was rain and no cricket!
pastagobbler,
"mimi gapping" sounds intriguing; please explain the rules. How is the sleeping bag employed?
gg,
mimi-gapping? Ah well, you had to be around in the 60's to fully understand. Some say the answer can be found between Moll's Gap and the Gap of Dunloe. Others will tell you that the truth is closer to the Pali Gap:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgIaLL-iP0Y&feature=related
The 60's?
Aye, the generation gap prevents all these youngsters from fully understanding the joys of pink clothes, preposterous hats and interminable, smoke-ridden guitar solos.
Peace!
i thought the mimi gap was the difference between mimi and these who are not understanding the details of cricket, bike, motorbike, and swiming among surfers in australia....but mimi gap could also be a gap store selling pink lycra and fluffy stuff.
guitou,
I am unreliably informed that the Mimi Gap is the distance between Ian Bell's bat and pad.
Ah - Bell jokes on a football thread.
How cosmic! And pink and fluffy!
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