Who is that driving away from Craven Cottage? – PremCorrespondent

A white Fiat, Bob Hoskins, and a bloke who once had breakfast in the same café as Prince Philip but claims he never met him. All these and more have been blamed for Fulham’s relegation this season.

Their insane owner and put upon manager declared the Premier League a terrible conspiracy and called for an inquest into the ludicrous claims of an idiot minority that they are not yet relegated.

However, the Metropolitan Police said that the points had in fact been taken perfectly legitimately by an Irish maniac who frightens his own team, and who was last seen driving a happy Sunderland towards mid-table obscurity.

The Police also made a statement on recent claims that Derby were not really dead, and had been spotted on a trailer park near Memphis. The reports were quickly refuted, the police said, when the side was exhumed and beaten 1-0 by a tired and bored Everton side looking forward to another few European games next season.

And completing the book of the damned, Bolton showed clubs the terror that could result if they lose the only good manager likely to take their helm for the next fifty years. Quick action by brave locals ensured that only a handful of innocent trotters were hurt by the 4-0 terror attack at Aston Villa, who hinted afterwards that the Irish might have been to blame.

Higher up the table, Sir Alex Fergusson threw away two easy points just so people pay attention while he wins another title. The Italian Mafia are being investigated following claims that they fixed the match that saw Man U. slip to comfortably top. The club responded that they were rested on the pretence that a midweek Champion’s League walkover of a home leg mattered more than Boro.

And by comfortably ahead, I do of course mean ahead of Avram Grant’s Blue Army. Dissent in the ranks has seemingly ceased during his run of recent victories. And reports that high profile failures in big games were used as a distraction while the club secretly funnelled enriched resources into a title bid were strongly denied.

That said, a 2-0 win over Manchester City did a disservice to the lighter shade of blue, who deserved a six nil hammering for such an inept display. They looked like a team that has won just one in their last sixteen, and frankly you have to question how the one came about.

Arsene Wenger doesn’t seem to understand conspiracy. He kidded no one anywhere when he told the lie that his side could still win the league after a 1-1 draw against Liverpool’s reserves. However, the interweb is awash with taxi drivers who drove Rafa home only to be told he’d made a bundle with some Malaysian’s by repeating the Champion’s League first leg result.

Elsewhere

West Ham lost to Portsmouth who strenuously denied both that their manager was in any way dodgy, or that their FA Cup Final place was thanks to tediously dull football.

And Newcastle beat Reading while Spurs drew with Blackburn in games I don’t have time to write about because two men in sunglasses and raincoats have just knocked at my door.