Premcorrespondent, the kepab and the neighbours

Ha! thought l'd forgotten didn't you.

No - not I. Instead your faithful scribe spent the weekend avidly glued to the porcelain throne after an ill advised trip to the local kepab (sic) palace at something o'clock on Friday left me abed and requiring the tender ministrations of Mrs Correspondent all weekend.

But fear ye not, although I was unable to take my customary place in the press boxes of the Premier League, no stone has been left unturned in my quest to find a stand in.

And my search bore fruit, because, as I raised my head from another dry heave in the direction of the U-bend - I found the following scrawled on the torn-out pages of a year-9 textbook that had been thrust under the lavatory door.

Yes! Lovingly transcribed from Match of the Day in exchange for "gi'za" fags (I assume that is a number lower than 20) and a can of Belgian's finest is next-door's teen daughter's account of the goings on in the league.

Forgive me, for I must now bid thee adieu - I have somewhat rushed my recovery and a move from the safety of dry toast and plain water in the direction of a cheese sarni has initiated a chain of events that are rather pressing.

Wot append in the futty
bi [illegible]

Cordin to the big eerd wun - this wuz the big noos this weekend. Cos, y see, theese to red teams got beet.

Wun got beet right at the start ov the games, that's Livapule - my mate Darren likes them, funni coz iz sisters mates saz he fancies Colette and she ates Livapule because this wun time she saw someone in a livapule shirt and he was well gros, and he totally fancied her, but she was like - whatever. Even tho he had a car and stuff.

Right, but, livapule got beet right. Which ain't normal, specialy as it was this shit team - Redin - wot beet them.

And this other team got beet too. Asnorl. Right, see them lot lost n all. They got beet but, it was like confisin, coz on the telly the team in red - which I rekond was Asnorl right, they scored twice. But they was full of mingers. So they weren't Asnorl right, they was anova teem in red. Called Buruh or summin. From Newcasle. Coz Arsnorl has fit players like Thierry Henry and Freddie Ljungberg and Cesc Fabregas (god hes fit - I definately wud), but nun of them woz playin so I rekon thats why they lost. But they was still way fitter than the other teem.

But Chels wun - which is cule, coz there ace. They beet sum utha teem from Newcasle who play in red and white with that sexy irish one wot my bro saz used to pla for Man U whuse in charge. He's well fit. Since Joses gone, he's like the fittest bloke not playing (not as fit as Cesc, but like pretty fit for an old guy. Chelle reckons hes fitter than Cesc, but I meen, wots that about - hes well old - and like has she seen Cesc in that new nike ad - he's like fit AS).

An its ace Chels wun, cos now with the red teems losin, they is well close to winnin the leeg again. Like they used to in the old days. But Man U wun and that meens there still up on Chels, but not for long, coz Chels is the best. But this week Man U beet Darby, natch, coz whose herd of derby.

And even tho thats all the teams mi mates no, there woz loads of utha stuff on. And - coz I'm like respectabel like and did the deel fare and skware - I like rote stuf down bout them games to.

Rite, B'burn lost to West Ham but it woz a well shit game. With like wun goal and thats it. Wigan lost to Bolton - wich iz a bit of a joke, right, coz there both losers, gettit?

Spurs, who my mate Jef reckons are gud so must be shit, they beet Man City and Newcasle (the ones in black and wite) beet Birminninlhnim or summit 2-1.

And like, even tho there woz loads of games already there woz like still more.

And they woz well weerd names - like Action Villa and Evertun. But yeah, they woz in different games, rite, so the Action teem lost to Portsmuth 3 -1 and the Evertun wun 3 to nufink at Fulam.

Wot all that meen is the gud teems (Well Fit Asnorl, Man U, super-Chels and Liverpule) theys at the top (duh), even though like two were like losers, and the shit teems (Wigan Darby and that lot wiv the fit irish wun that lost to my Chels) there at the bottom. And theres loads of utha teems in the middle, rite, but like whatever.