Keeping a stiff upper lip - premcorrespondent

Over the decades of England has developed a great reputation on the world stage.

Never let it be said that we will compete in a tournament we consider unworthy of our great talents (recent Olympics, pre-in-50 World Cups, post 1970 World Cups, finals of major tournaments).

Never let it be said that we are not generous in giving stepping out of the spotlight to letter smaller teams shine (America 1950, Austria 1979, Wales 1980, Australia 2003)

But perhaps the greatest tradition in all England is our history of Great Goalkeepers - from Fatty Foulkes to Rotund Robbo.

And this weekend the skills of the English glovesman were once again on display.

Paul Robinson and Robert Green - England's numbers three and four (of five or six depending on whether Ben Foster and Chris Kirkland are fit) faced off in a London derby.

Both performed exquisitely, with a string of saves (one from a penalty - and we all know how accomplished English strikers are at taking those). But both were let down by Jonny Foreigners in their defence to concede. Nevertheless it is fair to say both men made their point, and earned one each for their teams.

It was therefore left to English numbers one and two to outdo them.

Duly David James calmly added to his record tally of clean sheets as Portsmouth won comfortably 2-0 against Birmingham, while the current wearer of the iconic England No 1 shirt Scott Carson let nothing past him as his Aston Villa side beat Middlesbrough (with their inferior Australian keeper) 3-0 away.

Another clean sheet went to Carl Cuddich at Chelsea - a keeper vastly improved since he qualified to play for England (although he remains behind Foster in the standings) - his heroic performance saw the blues record a good 2-0 win, despite some temperamental foreigner in his side being sent off.

Over in Manchester, Bolton managed to overcome their lack of a bulldog between the posts with some traditional English tackling against the clever continentals at Manchester United. With Yeoman Kevin Davis showing that flouncing Frenchy Patrice Evra what it means to play the game like a man. Evra was luck to stay on after petulantly kicking out at the stout-hearted Englishman - but his effete foreign kick missed like a cannon aimed at the Victory. Bolton duly won 1-0.

Our inferior Celtic cousins saw the error of their ways as well at Goodison Park. Lazy, stupid Oirishman Roy Keane (probably drunk on Guinness) lacked the wherewithal to defeat Everton captain Phil Neville's stout English hearts - with the blues pulverising Sunderland (which is suspiciously close to the Scottish border) 7-1. Goalkeeper Craig Gordon was busy looking for coins that had been dropped near the goal area for four of the goals and was enjoying a dram of whisky for the other three.

Down in London Celtic the complexions of Welshman Mark Hughes and the Northern (the good bit) Irish Laurie Sanchez showed their tactical naivety - both managers letting their side let two goals in, and failing to win. But things are harder in the Premier League than managing a bunch of second division "international" players. However, they are allowed to pick from the flower of English youth now, and duly both Warnock and Murphy scored for their side before having their good work undone by unreliable allies.

England's Sven Goran Eriksson showed the lack of judgement that saw him hounded from Every Single Manager's Dream Job by keeping English keeper Joe Hart on the bench. His side therefore let a goal in. Fortunately greasy and cowardly Italian Steve Coppello had picked an American to keep goal, and despite being allowed to use his hands (much like in the colonial's own version of the beautiful game) he let two balls into the "endzone". Sven's England connections assuring another domestic triumph.

Decorated Englishman Steven Gerrard scored the first, then set up colleagues for two more - displaying our Great National Qualities of modesty and fair-mindedness - as another Hapless Irish Keeper was beaten three times and Liverpool defeated (suspiciously close to the Scottish border) Newcastle 3-0 to round off truly another spiffing week for the Nation that gave birth to the beautiful game.

See you all at 2008, where our superiority will once again be demonstrated to massed ranks of awed spectators as we defend our crown as greatest footballing nation on earth.

What?

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